Husband wants to quit taking antidepressants

[ShatteredReality]

So my H told me today that he wants to go off his meds. We've been married over 10yrs now and he's been on medication for the last 2 and a half. It took 8 years to convince him he needed to do something about his depression. He admitted to having depression and anxiety issues, but wanted to "tackle one thing at a time". He started with his ADD about 3 yrs ago and progressed quickly to meds for the depression. Any time in this time that he's changed meds (which has been frequent though this last time it's been about 6 mo) things have gone south very quickly at home. I am suddenly not attentive enough. I don't love him enough. He loses patience with me and with the kids more...to the point where I cannot be in the same room as he yells and screams at me about anything that sets him off....and it truly can be anything. The last blow up was in the summer when he switched from one med to this current one and in transition was on a very low pretty much nonexistent step down dose...I didn't get him the right mayonaise and I think we were out of white bread - only had wheat or something? Well either way - he wanted to make himself some soup and a sandwich, but I hadn't gone to the store yet (I work during the week and this was a Sunday - so perhaps I should have gone the day before? But I didn't...I was actually going to go an hour later, already told him I was going in an hour before this)...well anyways, so he couldn't make what he wanted, said he'd opt for spaghetti instead, but we only had the whole wheat and not the semolina and we didn't have the right kind of sauce (we had sauce - just not the kind he likes) and he FLIPPED. Went ballistic. Kicked the fridge, called me names...completely lost it....kind of manic behavior. I just sat on the couch thinking, thank goodness the kids aren't here (they were at grandmas) and trying not to cry cause I didn't want to feel like a giant baby for crying because he called me names. I wasn't successful, I cried quietly, hiding my face and trying not to move my shoulders...but he came out and saw me anyway. The next day he brought me two new books, a special kind of coffee, some candy, and an I'm Sorry card. If this were the only instance like this in our marriage I'd say whatever, toughen up...but it isn't...it's been a long and difficult road (for us both) with lot's of big bumps like that...some worse, some not so bad.

 

Anyhow...I am scared out of my mind that if he goes off his antidepressants completely he will become this monster that I cannot live with. The kids are old enough now that they understand what is going on...and he cannot hide it from them...a new hole appears in a wall or door and they will know how it got there...it hasn't happened for a long time like that...but....do I have a right to be scared like this? Or am I just being a baby and I should just suck it up? Through sickness and health and all that good stuff....lord knows he's forgiven me for not being the greatest wife at times...I suck at housework and obviously I fall behind in the shopping at times...I have done things to hurt him before and vice versa...mostly we hit a wall two years ago where we said anything before that was in the past....I don't bring up the things that happened before that...Maybe I just need to vent, but I'm nervous about this decision he's making that I don't have much say in....

 

Why he's going off them this time - he says they numb his emotions and make him not feel as much...I am not negating or downplaying what he says...just trying to figure out if the trade off is worth it...don't know if I can survive a regression in behavior from him...maybe that makes me weak.

[WonderingWhatIf]

I could have written this post myself a couple of years ago. Your husband sounds exactly like my ex-husband right down to punching holes in the wall. You need to be very straight forward and speak with him. Let him know exactly what you are thinking and feeling. Is he getting any type of counseling? My ex refused to do so. Things escalated .....and I couldn't take it anymore. So, we ended up divorcing.

 

If you don't want to end up divorced (and it wasn't a bad thing for me.. I ended up remarrying a wonderful man), then insist that he get counseling and continue to see a doctor. He definitely has anger issues, and when they go off their meds it can really escalate. My ex made the same comments about feeling numb. He stated several times to me that he wanted to "be himself"...... Now, I am dealing with two teenage boys that have witnessed this type of behavior all their lives. That was my mistake.. for letting them continue to see this stuff.

 

Hugs to you.

[ShatteredReality]

He knows I am nervous about this decision. I already told him at the very least he needs to consider natural remedies...Vitamin D and such...but getting him to take them regularly is another story altogether...I am just terrified that he will become the man he once was...and since I've had this time with the man he can be...I can't live with that other guy again...and I can't put my kids through it. He sees a mental health Dr, but no therapist...not anymore...he felt he learned what he could from the guy and has moved on, it's been fine, so long as he's medicated. Does that sound awful? That I want him medicated? I want him to be able to feel...I do...I don't want him to feel so much that he explodes and cannot handle it though!

[WonderingWhatIf]

He really needs to discuss this with his doctor. He will have to be really careful when stopping any antidepressants that he has been on. My ex did this several times, and there can be horrible side effects ... ones that will bring the anger on very easily. It is hard.

 

Additionally, I am not sure what other natural remedies you are thinking about, but vitamin D is not going to have the same affect as the antidepressants that he is currently taking.

 

No, it doesn't sound awful that you prefer him on the meds. It is because he doesn't have the short fuse and is probably much more agreeable to be around. I lived the same thing. It is like their egos cannot accept that they have a problem and need medication. It should be no different than anyone that needs medication for any other type of disorder. I have to take synthroid every day so that I can be healthy and function. It is not any different, in my opinion. I just wished my ex would have realized this. He was on and off the meds for years with empty promises in between It killed off my love .. bit by bit

 

Be there and provide support, but make sure that you look after yourself and your children. Don't accept the abuse that spills forward (if that happens) when he stops the meds.

[WonderingWhatIf]

Also, I wanted to let you know that his behavior is not manic. His behavior is abusive. I hope he realizes that. No matter what, you don't deserve it. Also, be very careful with your children. Unfortunately, my boys witnessed these outbursts from their father for years. And, now I am dealing with a teenage boy that also has anger issues I pray every night for me to be forgiven for keeping him in this situation for years (always thinking it is going to be better). And, I pray that he will not be like this when he is older.

[Feelin Frisky]

Could he be bi-polar? People who are bi-polar often want to ditch their meds because they dig the mania. Who can blame them. It's great to feel great. But stopping meds comes at the cost of low lows. Has he been stable all along on his meds? If so, he's probably isn't bi-polar. It's just the idea of wanting to be more emotional that makes me wonder. I take anti-depressants and have for 15 years. I don't feel emotionally short-changed.

[ShatteredReality]

Sorry - checked out for a long and busy weekend...LOL - OK, first off Wonder - I know his actions are abusive. It just sounds better to say manic. Unfortunately. I have made it clear to him that I cannot regress...he used to be much worse and since he's been "getting help" he's been much better. He's acknowledged his behavior is wrong, which for about 8yrs he claims he had no idea he was being abusive or that his actions were wrong, and he is trying very hard to keep on the upward swing and not backpedal. He's been doing much better...we've gone from only one good week for three bad ones to not even a whole bad week followed by at least 3-5 good ones...so he's trying and I must give him credit for that.

 

We spoke over the weekend and I voiced my fears. He promised not to make any rash decisions or do anything without speaking with his Dr first....so that's a plus. He's come strides, there was a time he'd have done it despite how I felt about things. I feel much better now, having spoken to him in length on Sunday night about it...I also told him the kids deserve better than what comes out of him when he's depressed and he agreed. So we're good there.

 

Frisky - my sister in law (his sister) is Bi-Polar...she's also got a whole slew of other issues too, so he did bring it up to his Dr some time ago and he said most likely he isn't Bi-Polar. I am not sure what the Dr did or observed to make that assessment...but he's not being treated for it and we haven't had many problems...just so long as he is on his meds we're good. He really liked the Celexa - but it gave him horrible headaches, so he spent more time alone in bed with the door closed and the lights out...so now he's on...Lexapro?...Yes that's it....seems to be much better for him, but as he said, he feels like he just can't be sad...if our dog died tomorrow he says he'd miss her, but he doesn't think he would be capable of feeling sad about it...that's where his issue is. He likes the whole spectrum of emotion...just doesn't want it to be so strong all the time.