BS harassing me

[BB07]

Blizzard I respect you taking the time to decide on what the right thing to do for you is, but there is only one thing I would caution you on........do NOT let him know of it. If he is like most mm he will do whatever he thinks is required to lesson the damage he thinks it will cause him. If you tell him, he could very well take out an RO on you to keep you quite.

 

Let him deal with her..........after the fact if you decide to talk with her.

[blizzard]

He threw you under the bus, and chose his wife, that's the bottom line.

 

She is bothering you and a few days ago you wished for this opportunity. Now it's presented itself. What does your gut say? Ignore her and continue to go on with your life? Or do you feel giving her your side of things, answering her questions would help you and her let go and heal? Don't be concerned about their marriage or what you might say will affect him and her. That damage has been done and she isn't stupid, she knows there's more to the story and is looking for answers. Remember too, you only know what he has told you and I'm sure even though he told you he minimized the affair, you really have no idea exactly word for word what he told her.

 

Whatever you decide, stick to it. If you tell, be honest and answer everything she needs to know. Or, ignore her and go on with your life. Whatever you do, do NOT call him and give him a heads up. You owe him nothing.

I think she has to have some suspicians by now that he downplayed us. After dday occurred and called him for closure...he said she was crazy...that she didn't know if he could forget me...that she sees that he misses me. That she felt as if he would always compare her to me.

[blizzard]

Tread lightly here, xMM's BS did ruin my life and how.

 

She did know all the truth and she wanted to make me suffer in a big way and I have and still do and she is still telling lies about me to people that know me, but I have chosen to keep records and may file a complaint with the Police to have on record in case she contacts me again.

 

I closed my fb account so she could not check me out there or have her friends try to befriend me there. I have always been honest with her and respected her request but she will always blame me and she has a right to, but if I cannot get all bunny boiling neither can she, there is a point when ok enough is enough and after 8 months NC should give you some creditability IMO and she cannot bang you up emotionally at her whim.

 

Think this out looking at all angles before you act please.... him telling you he minimized it for the reasons he gave you may be the one honest thing he told you.

 

Good Luck and be safe :bunny:

 

I go back and forth with that...was he really protecting me? or himself? He said she was crazy screaming...screaming at him. Screaming that she was going to ruin my life. He blamed the anonym email on my ex trying to stir up trouble...grrrrrrrrrrrr.

[blizzard]

Personally i would not respond. You coming clean? Im not sure about that. Its been 8 months youve come a long way, i dont think you should revisit that chapter in your life, like you said just move on. Forget about them, she wont believe you anyway.

 

My biggest fear. She won't believe. But I can least feel as though I tried.

[blizzard]

Hmmm so she does not have a right to make snide remarks, words only, on a facebook page but blizzard has a right to sleep with her husband, not words physical? So the BS should have approached Blizzard nicer for answers? Would it not have been better if Blizzard had aprroached the bs about her intentions of sleeping with her husband before she had done so?

 

Double standards always astound me. The bs is always held to much higher standards than the ow why is that?

 

I understand. But in posting she isn't just hurting me...I have family and friends...children.

Find me. Say things that will hurt me. Get in my face with profanity. But don't involve the people that love me.

[jwi71]

Do NOT contact her.

 

She will NOT believe you no matter what you say since you "lied" to her before.

 

And considering all she has posted on FB...do you think a phone call is going to change her mind - cure the venom you injected into her? NO - it won't.

 

You are simply fighting the fire with gasoline.

 

If the goal is to end the FB postings then block her, contact FB support, close your account...whatever. Problem solved.

 

Actually...what is YOUR goal here?

[blizzard]

I think this is very good advice and makes the most sense.

Dreamingtigers- I liked it too. well written. very matter of fact.

[blizzard]

I'm surprised that no one brought this up, but it's very possible that she's drinking again which is why you see the sporadic rage. It would be about the right time frame for that to happen.

 

What you do and don't tell her is your business, but I do find it odd that you were praying about this just days before this started up again. Perhaps God or the universe or whatever you believe in is sending you the answer. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what that answer would be (only you can interpret that). Could be the doors of communication are open so you can/should tell her, and then again, it could be a warning (her behavior) that it's best left alone. What does your gut tell you about it?

 

THAT is EXACTLY what I was thinking. I think that this has all been so tough. I have been battling with so many inner conflicts. One of which is regret for not speaking my mind. I just sort of crawled off for the sake of them repairing their marriage. And I struggle. Because something just doesn't feel right about not coming forth. It's as if all was left open and unsettled. And yet, I didn't want to intrude or hurt her anymore. I have been torn about all of it. What to do. Now, it's like it fell into my lap.

[BB07]

Do NOT contact her.

 

She will NOT believe you no matter what you say since you "lied" to her before.

 

I disagree with the above.......you don't know that as fact. There is no way to know how it will go.

The BS in my situation believed me........and yes every word I told her was the truth and you can bet I was not someone who was on her favorite people list. By the end of the day of our first conversations, her and I both realized what a lying asshat we had been dealing with. It was quite enlightening for both of us.

[blizzard]

pureinheart

 

 

 

I know this may sound crazy but he did take responsibility all 4 ddays. He told her loved me from the 1st DDay till the last and on the 4th DDay he went to the attorneys office and signed over his part of everything, all their assets, their home, their accounts, everything and admitted to the lawyer he loved me and wanted a divorce. He told my xH that he loved me and wanted to be with me as well, I may be under the bus now but I was not the whole time.

 

I do not know really what changed over the course of a week or two and I guess I never will but it has and I have respected the NC no matter how much pain it has caused me since July and she chooses to still focus on me, I have told her all the truths, she has called me at home, at work, called my boss, my friends, had her friends try to befriend me on fb, tried to do me physical harm, vandalize my car, emailed me pretending to be someone else, rode past my house and the list goes on and on, this is a cause of concern and it is called stalking and harassment and I have documented all of it and kept copies and I am sure the Police will not laugh this out of the station because I have already contacted them and they found no humor in it, no matter what I did with her husband. In my state infidelity is not illegal but stalking and harassment are!

 

They did ask me why I felt the need to do this now and I said because it has all started up again, so they said yes I needed to file the compliant. DONE !!!

 

I know not all BS’s are the same just like all AP’s are the same but bad behavior is just that---bad behavior no matter how justified and at some point we quit reacting and start choosing this behavior.

 

And thank you pure for all the well wishes.

 

I too hope blizzard is careful and does what is best for her.

 

Somewhat the same here. He had a lease. Didn't care who found out about us anymore. Budgeting money. Working on finances. Etc. Fortunately, we have a little distance between us so I don't worry so much as being physically harassed.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks.

 

I have come to believe in my old age () that character has more to do with you and how you act, then how other's re-act.

 

If she does go nuts or doesn't believe you, that is still her problem. If she starts to bug you, then you have recourse.

 

If you don't do something about it, it seems that it will weigh on you.

 

Btw, if MM wanted to protect you from crazy, he wouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place. That would have been actually protecting you. And if he thought she was completely out to lunch, he would have dropped her a long time ago, if he had any guts.

 

He did put her at risk by cheating on her (not saying that you specifically are a risk).

[blizzard]

I also want to add that this was actually the 2nd time she used fb as an attack. The first happened when dday occurred. She went onto his account and went nuts on my page.

 

I have read through most posts and it seems that telling her is in favor. But calling him is not.

 

I have a family. And I am going through an in house seperation still ...with divorce ahead. xMM felt he was protecting me b/c he knew divorce was ahead and worried that my stbx would subpeona him and try to fight for full custody. Now, I don't see that happening. My stbx are in different places now...at peace but still divorcing. And I don't think legally now that he could use infidelity against me. So much time has passed.

 

Do you think she will try to cause problems in this situation? They do not have children together. He has an older teen. She doesn't have children. He said in their 7yrs of marriage, she didn't want to have kids. She enjoys travel. He said kids would tie her down. He deemed her selfish...not wanting to give up drinking to have kids. Who knows.

[blizzard]

Do NOT contact her.

 

She will NOT believe you no matter what you say since you "lied" to her before.

 

And considering all she has posted on FB...do you think a phone call is going to change her mind - cure the venom you injected into her? NO - it won't.

 

You are simply fighting the fire with gasoline.

 

If the goal is to end the FB postings then block her, contact FB support, close your account...whatever. Problem solved.

 

Actually...what is YOUR goal here?

 

Peace is my goal. I want peace for me. For her. And if she feels such an urge to follow my fb 8 mts later, then post crap, she is not at peace. I sense she wants a response from me. Remember. She came to me. I don't know what talking would solve. Maybe nothing. But at least I know I tried...layed it out there to where she can take it or leave it. He cheated on his first wife. If BS cannot fathom he would do it again...and to her...then God bless her. I guess I am liar then.

[pureinheart]

Not true. BTDT with physical threats against my life.

 

Is there differences in the states? I'll call the cop shop here to verify, although here I think anyone can file a R/O and get the temp until the judge sees it...I know we are in different states, so that could be the difference.

 

SIT, that is way uncool, I am so sorry....

 

Blizzard, please be careful. There have been many people, places and things that I really thought was God, and found out later it was anything but God.

 

I agree with JW, there is a good chance she won't believe you.

 

To this day I really don't know what went on with exDM, his family knew about me also, he threw me in there faces, I am beginning to think now that I have more info.

 

He left my email up that said, "YOU ARE MARRIED", (I can't remember the rest, although I am sure I told him to leave me alone also).

 

That is how they all got my info. Also it was like he let them know to go ahead and mess with me. You see, by breaking it off I hurt him...now it was his turn...you just never know what is going on in peoples minds these days...what if he has been gaslighting her severely...you might be the one all of this gets taken out on.

 

Please keep in mind, if she is a binge drinker, they also have blackouts too.

 

Sorry about the dramatic wording, I am sincerely scared for you right now.

[desertIslandCactus]

Peace is my goal. I want peace for me. For her. And if she feels such an urge to follow my fb 8 mts later, then post crap, she is not at peace. I sense she wants a response from me. Remember. She came to me. I don't know what talking would solve. Maybe nothing. But at least I know I tried...layed it out there to where she can take it or leave it. He cheated on his first wife. If BS cannot fathom he would do it again...and to her...then God bless her. I guess I am liar then.

 

Blizzard, it seems diff posters have already offered how to take care of the FB situation, at least for now - with changing it - or diff blocks, etc.

 

I know you want peace, but she has to calm down. I wouldn't offer her anything until she can be good. It shouldn't happen because she is harrassing you. I would wait longer.

[pureinheart]

Blizzard, it seems diff posters have already offered how to take care of the FB situation, at least for now - with changing it - or diff blocks, etc.

 

I know you want peace, but she has to calm down. I wouldn't offer her anything until she can be good. It shouldn't happen because she is harrassing you. I would wait longer.

 

A rational person takes things for what they are. I know there was a point in my life where I let too much build up and I was explosive..I was on the edge for a few years, anything would set me off.

 

Think about it Desert, and yes this could be form my own experience, although let's say she's calmed down and Blizzard does talk to her and tells her the truth...MM has been lying to her...it could totally freak her out, anything could happen at this point, and to top it off she now has MM to deal with also...what will he do? Too many factors that are the unknown.

[jwi71]

Peace is my goal.

 

Peace from what?

What can you do to get YOUR peace?

 

For her.

 

Here is what I think you aren't getting.

 

YOU WILL NEVER BRING HER PEACE.

 

Not after what you did to her (cause her immense and nearly immeasurable emotional pain). You, least of all people, can HELP her.

 

And if she feels such an urge to follow my fb 8 mts later, then post crap, she is not at peace.

 

Not your problem. I do NOT believe you can poison her deliberately, repeatedly and intentionally then say "I'm sorry". I'm not attacking you but I do not think you are seeing this through HER eyes: YOU are the villain. You are the destroyer of her world. She doesn't want forgiveness, she wants to hurt you as badly as you hurt her.

 

A simple "Im sorry" does nothing for her of yourself. And lets face it thats all you have to offer.

 

Remember. She came to me

.

 

I know. But she isn't calming asking you for the truth. She tried that and got...not that. She isn't after peace if she were, she would realize she cannot get it from you or her lying PoS H. It comes from within herself. She either forgives, heals and they move forward or not. Given the tone and method, she is NOT looking for that. She wants revenge and she gets it. On FB.

 

Declaw her by getting off FB.

 

I don't know what talking would solve. Maybe nothing.

 

My money is on this simply escalates things. If you want peace for yourself and that peace is tied to no more FB postings...get off FB. OR...announce your role as OW publicly on FB. That would also take away her power.

 

This can go away simply (get off FB) or you can draw this out...your life, your choice.

 

But at least I know I tried...layed it out there to where she can take it or leave it

.

 

Just walk. You can't help her. You're the last person on Earth who can offer her help.

 

B...just walk. Re-engaging does NO good.

[desertIslandCactus]

A rational person takes things for what they are. I know there was a point in my life where I let too much build up and I was explosive..I was on the edge for a few years, anything would set me off.

 

Think about it Desert, and yes this could be form my own experience, although let's say she's calmed down and Blizzard does talk to her and tells her the truth...MM has been lying to her...it could totally freak her out, anything could happen at this point, and to top it off she now has MM to deal with also...what will he do? Too many factors that are the unknown.

 

I meant when or if the W would come down to earth - approaching Blizzard in a peaceful manner, and asking questions.

 

I wouldn't want to deny that person the truth, if asked.

 

Two members (that I know of) have shared their stories with the BSs. There could be other OWs on here, who have as well.

[desertIslandCactus]

Peace from what?

What can you do to get YOUR peace?

 

 

 

Here is what I think you aren't getting.

 

YOU WILL NEVER BRING HER PEACE.

 

Not after what you did to her (cause her immense and nearly immeasurable emotional pain). You, least of all people, can HELP her.

 

 

 

Not your problem. I do NOT believe you can poison her deliberately, repeatedly and intentionally then say "I'm sorry". I'm not attacking you but I do not think you are seeing this through HER eyes: YOU are the villain. You are the destroyer of her world. She doesn't want forgiveness, she wants to hurt you as badly as you hurt her.

 

A simple "Im sorry" does nothing for her of yourself. And lets face it thats all you have to offer.

 

.

 

I know. But she isn't calming asking you for the truth. She tried that and got...not that. She isn't after peace if she were, she would realize she cannot get it from you or her lying PoS H. It comes from within herself. She either forgives, heals and they move forward or not. Given the tone and method, she is NOT looking for that. She wants revenge and she gets it. On FB.

 

Declaw her by getting off FB.

 

 

 

My money is on this simply escalates things. If you want peace for yourself and that peace is tied to no more FB postings...get off FB. OR...announce your role as OW publicly on FB. That would also take away her power.

 

This can go away simply (get off FB) or you can draw this out...your life, your choice.

 

.

 

Just walk. You can't help her. You're the last person on Earth who can offer her help.

 

B...just walk. Re-engaging does NO good.

 

No. I don't think Blizzard can bring the W peace either.

 

But it is reaching out and filling in the puzzle for the W, with all the known pieces.

 

The peace itself (and possible completion), would be for Blizzard.

[2themoon&back]

jwi71

If you want peace for yourself and that peace is tied to no more FB postings...get off FB. OR...announce your role as OW publicly on FB. That would also take away her power.

 

This can go away simply (get off FB) or you can draw this out...your life, your choice.

 

.

 

Just walk. You can't help her. You're the last person on Earth who can offer her help.

 

B...just walk. Re-engaging does NO good.

 

Blizzard

 

I did both of these things, first the announcement on fb = lost my job!!!

 

Second removed myself = Peace!!!

 

jwi71 is right ... walk away, no run away from this situation.

 

What good is the truth when it is already tainted by lies!

 

Her intent is not to reconnect with you in anyway, it is to validate to her H what a lying ______ ever you are, nothing good will come from this for you…. nothing. IMO

 

And about calling him do not do it, my xMM went to the police because we passed each other on the road ONCE since July and because of work I had to call his office ONCE since July, and at his W's direction told him to tell the police I was stalking him, the police did laugh him out of the station, but now she has used this to validate her lies and messy behavior.

 

Just FYI, I could not be stalking anybody I have not been able to leave my house since July… I only worked 6 days since then and now do not have a job and am in a deep depression, so let her do her thing and you look out for you, the truth will come to the light it always does in its own time!!!!

 

I do not know why I feel the need to keep telling you all this but I will stop ... good luck and I hope you for you all will turn out alright !!

[dreamingoftigers]

I also want to add that this was actually the 2nd time she used fb as an attack. The first happened when dday occurred. She went onto his account and went nuts on my page.

 

I have read through most posts and it seems that telling her is in favor. But calling him is not.

 

I have a family. And I am going through an in house seperation still ...with divorce ahead. xMM felt he was protecting me b/c he knew divorce was ahead and worried that my stbx would subpeona him and try to fight for full custody. Now, I don't see that happening. My stbx are in different places now...at peace but still divorcing. And I don't think legally now that he could use infidelity against me. So much time has passed.

 

Do you think she will try to cause problems in this situation? They do not have children together. He has an older teen. She doesn't have children. He said in their 7yrs of marriage, she didn't want to have kids. She enjoys travel. He said kids would tie her down. He deemed her selfish...not wanting to give up drinking to have kids. Who knows.

 

If she doesn't know that you slept with him then her mental state will be altered. After I found out about my husband, there was trauma BUT living with someone that was all over the place, moody, constantly critical without sense or warrant and lying constantly was far more brutal. You can bet that this woman has been through the ringer. You can also bet that you have not gotten an accurate picture.

 

I did go nuts with yelling at him, crying and grieving very hard. I wouldn't trade it in for not knowing what I was living with. There is no true joy in living with an illusion. I always used to say that if I found a spouse cheating that it would kill things because it would mean that the person that I fell in love with never really existed. (although at this point things are not necessarily killed, but mutated). Perhaps this is why in the Bible you can divorce for adultery.

 

This weight of inappropriate behaviour does seem to have affected you and you cannot cover it up as easily as other APs that pop up on this board. Conflict-avoidance tends to be a trait of people that cheat and the people they choose to cheat with. In the case of this woman, she broke "no contact," make sure that you set no contact as rule number 1 for letting her know her answers. In fact maybe tell her to think about what she wants to ask you beforehand because she gets one shot. You want to put this behind you forever and not look back.

[dreamingoftigers]

Peace from what?

What can you do to get YOUR peace?

 

 

 

Here is what I think you aren't getting.

 

YOU WILL NEVER BRING HER PEACE.

 

Not after what you did to her (cause her immense and nearly immeasurable emotional pain). You, least of all people, can HELP her.

 

 

 

Not your problem. I do NOT believe you can poison her deliberately, repeatedly and intentionally then say "I'm sorry". I'm not attacking you but I do not think you are seeing this through HER eyes: YOU are the villain. You are the destroyer of her world. She doesn't want forgiveness, she wants to hurt you as badly as you hurt her.

 

A simple "Im sorry" does nothing for her of yourself. And lets face it thats all you have to offer.

 

.

 

I know. But she isn't calming asking you for the truth. She tried that and got...not that. She isn't after peace if she were, she would realize she cannot get it from you or her lying PoS H. It comes from within herself. She either forgives, heals and they move forward or not. Given the tone and method, she is NOT looking for that. She wants revenge and she gets it. On FB.

 

Declaw her by getting off FB.

 

 

 

My money is on this simply escalates things. If you want peace for yourself and that peace is tied to no more FB postings...get off FB. OR...announce your role as OW publicly on FB. That would also take away her power.

 

This can go away simply (get off FB) or you can draw this out...your life, your choice.

 

.

 

Just walk. You can't help her. You're the last person on Earth who can offer her help.

 

B...just walk. Re-engaging does NO good.

 

The interesting part of the folks who echo this statement is the fact that they seem to have the BS's motives all lined up. They know exactly why she is doing what she has done.

 

I find this odd. My H has been with me for 6 years, the first 3 years we spent literally 24 hours a day together. The last 1.5 years has been similar. He still can't instantly figure out "why" I do what I do.

 

Guessing why she is asking what she is asking is foolish and unproductive. For all you know, she thinks that you are IMing her husband again because she is finding out of place messages when he might have a new OW. Honesty isn't exactly his strong suit.

[pureinheart]

The interesting part of the folks who echo this statement is the fact that they seem to have the BS's motives all lined up. They know exactly why she is doing what she has done.

 

I find this odd. My H has been with me for 6 years, the first 3 years we spent literally 24 hours a day together. The last 1.5 years has been similar. He still can't instantly figure out "why" I do what I do.

 

Guessing why she is asking what she is asking is foolish and unproductive. For all you know, she thinks that you are IMing her husband again because she is finding out of place messages when he might have a new OW. Honesty isn't exactly his strong suit.

 

I had this thought too, that he had another OW....

[thissecretgirl]

I've read about OW and BS's who have had restraining orders brought against them with ZERO validity to the complaint. And even enforced without evidence.

 

And personally an XGF of my H brought a TRO against him with no validity for the claim. She even offered sex to him after the hearing, in the elevator. (WAAAYYYY before me or his XW.) The court guard thought she was a nut job, too.

 

TRO's can be brought up in court with ZERO evidence. It's the way the legal realm goes.

 

BTDT may apply to you, but it doesn't apply across the board. And if you're being stalked, use the law to it's fullest extent.

 

GEL

 

This is what happened to me. They applied for a violence restraining order and at that point I had sent one email exposing the affair. This email was as painless as I could try and make something as painful as exposure to be.

 

Seriously, you never know what you are dealing with.

 

Hindsight is a marvelous thing. I would definitely think twice about coming clean if I had that choice again. Yes, now, the truth is out there, but to what end? From my point of view was it worth what has happened to me over the last few months after the exposure?

 

Absolutely not.

[greengoddess]

I understand. But in posting she isn't just hurting me...I have family and friends...children.

Find me. Say things that will hurt me. Get in my face with profanity. But don't involve the people that love me.

 

 

Isn't that what an affair did to her though? Is that not what you did to her? You involved yourself with her whole family when you chose to have an affair with her husband. You directly involved the people she loved but you expect her to keep your secret so the people you love don't find out.