scatterd Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I feel for the wife she is in pain she wants answers which thats the least that can be done.She was wronged and some of you are acting as she was the wrong person.Men and woman lie all the time when they cheat and to me it sounds like she wants the truth.It does not feel good to sit and wonder what happened and if she is doing the right thing by staying with her husband something is not adding up to her.Let her hear the truth maybe she will leave and get the help she needs if she had a problem or has a problem with drinking this would make her drink more.We can all assume what she will do but the right thing to do is tell the truth no matter how long its been.I hope you go by your gut feeling and tell her what more can she do that she already has done.At least if you tell you know you did what was right and I would not talk to her husband about it he has already thrown you under the bus and thats why she is so angry with you.If she does not believe you thats on her but tell her if she is told she is to back off.Big hugs
2themoon&back Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 dreamingoftigers...The interesting part of the folks who echo this statement is the fact that they seem to have the BS's motives all lined up. They know exactly why she is doing what she has done. You are right....I have no idea why the W is acting in such a way to Blizzard at this time. I can only go by what Blizzard herself has told us and the tone of the situation does not sound like IMO, it is favorable for Blizzard. If H is acting any way other than open and honest with W, this is not Blizzards problem to fix and if she just needs information or closure then like someone said before she needs to approach her differently. Honey vs. Vinegar? scatterd I feel for the wife she is in pain she wants answers which thats the least that can be done.She was wronged and some of you are acting as she was the wrong person.Men and woman lie all the time when they cheat and to me it sounds like she wants the truth.It does not feel good to sit and wonder what happened and if she is doing the right thing by staying with her husband something is not adding up to her.Let her hear the truth maybe she will leave and get the help she needs if she had a problem or has a problem with drinking this would make her drink more.We can all assume what she will do but the right thing to do is tell the truth no matter how long its been.I hope you go by your gut feeling and tell her what more can she do that she already has done.At least if you tell you know you did what was right and I would not talk to her husband about it he has already thrown you under the bus and thats why she is so angry with you.If she does not believe you thats on her but tell her if she is told she is to back off.Big hugs I feel for the W as well and she does have rights and a need for resolve, but this is not her thread, so to support Blizzard in the only way I know how is from my own experience with an outraged BS. In the end it is Blizzard's decision. I do agree with you though if Blizzard tells whatever she needs to hear-the truth- then she does need to back off after that.
Woman In Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Long story short. I got involved with an old friend that was supposingly divorcing. Considering the fact that he blatantly LIED to you right up front about his REAL status, you don't owe this lying loser jacksh*it. When the wife reached out to you during D-Day and you learned that he'd been dishonest all along about the REAL status of his marriage, you should have sung like a canary for her. I sure would have. Something tells me you didn't tell her anything because even then, knowing what a dirtbag he was, you were still secretly hoping he'd come back to you and you didn't want to burn any bridges by telling her the truth. I don't think you kept quiet out respect for her, I think it was more for self-serving reasons. Go ahead - tell her the truth now. Are you really surprised that this guy downplayed your worth to him, and made you look like some psycho stalker who was out to get him? They ALL tell their wives that. LOL.
SunsetRed Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Wow, Blizzard, I feel sorry for you and admire you at the same time. I feel sorry that you were lied to and deceived. You didn't set out to wreck a home or steal a man away from his wife. You, like many of us, thought that his marriage (aside from the paperwork) was over. When your ex threw you under the bus, you handled it well. I so admire you for going 8 months no contact. I doubt if I'll make it that far. Now it's 8 months later and the wife is contacting you again? I'd ignore her completely and if you have to, get a harassment or restraining order on her. Change all of your contact info and do what you can to block her. She's probably contacting you because the marriage isn't working once again. He could be on his way to moving out again and she wants someone to blame because she doesn't want to look at herself. You must've been the closest target she had to put the blame on. Stay strong and avoid contact with either one of those toxic people. Some people are made for each other, and others deserve each other.
awkward Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 My advice is to delete your facebook and open a new private one for your friends and family. I'm sure if they have seen the posts that they will all understand. Also, block their email addy's when you do. I think you should stay NC with them. In hindsight I'm sure you wish you had protected yourself instead of him, but there isn't anything you can do about that now. Your story to his wife isn't going to make her hate you less. In fact it may even fuel her fire. As much as I wish that the other woman here would have an honest conversation with the BS, I think for you personally it is a bad idea. That ship sailed when you ignored her email after D-day. ((blizzard))
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Considering the fact that he blatantly LIED to you right up front about his REAL status, you don't owe this lying loser jacksh*it. When the wife reached out to you during D-Day and you learned that he'd been dishonest all along about the REAL status of his marriage, you should have sung like a canary for her. I sure would have. Something tells me you didn't tell her anything because even then, knowing what a dirtbag he was, you were still secretly hoping he'd come back to you and you didn't want to burn any bridges by telling her the truth. I don't think you kept quiet out respect for her, I think it was more for self-serving reasons. Go ahead - tell her the truth now. Are you really surprised that this guy downplayed your worth to him, and made you look like some psycho stalker who was out to get him? They ALL tell their wives that. LOL. See, the guessing everyone else's motives thing looks just as bad on the other side of the equation. (Not saying that I haven't been guilty of this in the past).
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Here's something. How do you know for sure it's the MM's wife? Just a thought...... WW, it is nowhere near in his personality to act that way. I had ppl texting and calling me asking me if that was really him...that it wouldn't be something he would do. He is a liar. And a coward. But not mean in that way. When we said our goodbyes, before hanging up, he told me cared so much about me...and he loved me, to believe it...but obviously not enough.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I had this thought too, that he had another OW.... hmm. well, you bring up another good point that I did fail to mention. my stbx did a study on xMM man and said he was seeing someone else besides me. i blew it off, and thought it was a revenge statement on stbx half. after dday, stbx had harsh words. a big argument. he was chastising me...saying xMM dumped me, chose his wife, and kept the other woman that worked with him at his side job. and later, in a txt war between stbx and i he stated that xMM was lying to this OM as well, that his wife would soon find out about her. So I was scratching my head, trying to figure how he knew so much about xMM. Lightbulb moment. Stbx bestfriend grew up in the same city, went to highschool there. In addition, both guys share the same hobby and used the same facility....hence the bestfriend probably still has good friends there. So maybe there is some truth. I also found this weird, I live in a small community...and was apart of a competition...I later discovered one of the women involved in it was someone that xMM worked closely with! she traveled here to be apart of some dinky event after our dday? she was one of xMM instructors! Maybe she was phishing? It was all sort of weird.
greengoddess Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 If you're here, then your H probably is not the pillar of honesty either. Don't try and tell me anything about my R, you don't know me or him, honey. He had no reason to even tell me the story since it was TEN years before me. Go on with your bitter self. No wonder your spouse cheated on you. GEL sheesh read about the poster you said that to. She married her mm and yes she could possibly be bitter now since she has since divorced him.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Isn't that what an affair did to her though? Is that not what you did to her? You involved yourself with her whole family when you chose to have an affair with her husband. You directly involved the people she loved but you expect her to keep your secret so the people you love don't find out. She doesn't have children. The teen stepchild lives 6 hours away...they bascially spend zilch time with her. I know that for a fact. What she did was use her husbands name so that his kid, who is also on fb and shares friendship with him, could read the crap she wrote. Embarrassing her. Hurting her as well. His mom. His relatives...distant and far. Not to mention, all of the other ppl that could view his status as well. Stupid thing to do in my opinion. And yes I do. The people I love had nothing to do with his lies...his pursuit and my poor decision. The people that are too young to understand. That love their mom more than anyone in the world and can't fathom her mistakes because they are too young to wrap their heads around it. We are grown ups in an ugly grown up world...we deal the ugly, kids don't.
greengoddess Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 She doesn't have children. The teen stepchild lives 6 hours away...they bascially spend zilch time with her. I know that for a fact. What she did was use her husbands name so that his kid, who is also on fb and shares friendship with him, could read the crap she wrote. Embarrassing her. Hurting her as well. His mom. His relatives...distant and far. Not to mention, all of the other ppl that could view his status as well. Stupid thing to do in my opinion. And yes I do. The people I love had nothing to do with his lies...his pursuit and my poor decision. The people that are too young to understand. That love their mom more than anyone in the world and can't fathom her mistakes because they are too young to wrap their heads around it. We are grown ups in an ugly grown up world...we deal the ugly, kids don't. geeez so she doesn't have kids so her loved ones are inconsequential since it's an adult world.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I feel for the wife she is in pain she wants answers which thats the least that can be done.She was wronged and some of you are acting as she was the wrong person.Men and woman lie all the time when they cheat and to me it sounds like she wants the truth.It does not feel good to sit and wonder what happened and if she is doing the right thing by staying with her husband something is not adding up to her.Let her hear the truth maybe she will leave and get the help she needs if she had a problem or has a problem with drinking this would make her drink more.We can all assume what she will do but the right thing to do is tell the truth no matter how long its been.I hope you go by your gut feeling and tell her what more can she do that she already has done.At least if you tell you know you did what was right and I would not talk to her husband about it he has already thrown you under the bus and thats why she is so angry with you.If she does not believe you thats on her but tell her if she is told she is to back off.Big hugs thank you scattered. he did pursue me...during the worst time of my life...during a dying marriage. he told me to have faith in him when i had none. to trust him with my heart...that he was really leaving. when i wanted to walk away, he gave me more promises. he told me everything he could be that my stbx wasn't. he wanted a life with my kids. I take so much blame for being so naive...for believing him. i have never been unfaithful, nor do i chase mm. he knew just what i was missing from my marriage and took the opportunity. he was a trusted friend. a family friend. i never would have thought... he gave me hope. showing me love and tenderness that i had never received in my marriage. not passion. not excitement. just love.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 geeez so she doesn't have kids so her loved ones are inconsequential since it's an adult world. not inconsequential... Everyone is significant. But I believe kids should not be accountable for their parents screw up. I have hurt them enough... she supposingly hates her mom too... ?
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 See, the guessing everyone else's motives thing looks just as bad on the other side of the equation. (Not saying that I haven't been guilty of this in the past). I wasn't feeling that yet. I didn't have that kind of hope yet. I honestly felt like he told me was "dying." Because that is what it felt like. My head was still spinning over our relationship, the promises of the past two years...and then in less than hour he did a complete switch. I didn't tell her because I was afraid. I was seperated. We were discussing divorce, custody, etc at that time. Stbx knew I was seeing xMM and he was livid...b/c legally we weren't divorced. He was threatening to have xMM subpeona, and to take custody. He was the one that sent or had someone send the anonymous email to BS. Though I never neglected my kids to see xMM, and I am home every night and take great care of them...not a drug user thank God...I am a great mom...I was still so scared! xMM said she would ruin my life...which I considered she would involve my stbx even more. xMM said he was "protecting" me and the kids by covering up the affair. So I didn't tell. Stbx did say that she emailed him. That he hadn't replied "yet." Now that time has passed, I understand xMM was more than likely protecting himself.
greengoddess Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 not inconsequential... Everyone is significant. But I believe kids should not be accountable for their parents screw up. I have hurt them enough... she supposingly hates her mom too... ? I bet this is something you should not know and could possibly make you feel better. Why?
awkward Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) Blizzard, I agree that your children shouldn't be exposed to this. That is one of the reasons I suggested a complete deletion of your profile. I'd do it ASAP. I'm curious as to what was written on the wall. Was it just a random status update that said something like she was the one chasing my husband or did it say something like she was the one chasing me? Could others on his page believe he made the update? Also, was it in response to anyone else's post or just totally random where some might not even know who "she" is. I am just wondering where it came from. Given the information you posted about an OOW are sure "she" isn't her or were you named specifically. BS might be triggering about something. I think your ex was right about an OOW. Also, the BS might not realize that there is a new woman involved and thinks it is you. If you are comfortable providing more information about the status update, I think that it could help. If she thinks you are the OOW, I don't know maybe you should send her an email telling her you are willing to answer her questions in a civil manner but only if she agrees to go complete NC. Either way though, I'd still delete that profile to protect your children. Edited January 9, 2011 by awkward
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice. You all have been so supportive. I really don't know what to do. I am praying about it. I just want to do what's right...not out of spite, or revenge or hope...not to hurt her again. I just want peace knowing it is out there. As scattered said, it has to be torment trying to repair a marriage and still questioning the truth. I now believe that she had to have read something on my page and maybe took it in the wrong context...nothing on my page is directed to her or her husband in the least bit...but i could see where maybe if i were in her shoes I could possibly... I just don't know. Maybe it's the New Year? She isn't asking for answers. But it may be in opportunity to give her some. For those of you that said tread lightly, I will. I don't forsee a RO on his part...but with her who knows. If she gets nuts I will just let it rest. Fortunately, we live hours away from each other. I am still thinking it over. I have come a long way but I am not completely healed from the hurt. But I am healed from wanting him in my life. No way.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I bet this is something you should not know and could possibly make you feel better. Why? geezzzz, I was being tongue n cheek about her mom. Look, we will agree to disagree. How she handled her anger was wrong. It is a mature matter. Little ones don't need to know how their mom was called #%#! over a social network. Nor do they need ppl pitying them b/c of their mom's stupidity. They are kids in a kids world...of innocence. Why would one degrade some little kids mom for them to know about it? I hurt them. All of them. But not blatantly. As I have said, if she is angry direct it at me.
Author blizzard Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Blizzard, I agree that your children shouldn't be exposed to this. That is one of the reasons I suggested a complete deletion of your profile. I'd do it ASAP. I'm curious as to what was written on the wall. Was it just a random status update that said something like she was the one chasing my husband or did it say something like she was the one chasing me? Could others on his page believe he made the update? Also, was it in response to anyone else's post or just totally random where some might not even know who "she" is. I am just wondering where it came from. Given the information you posted about an OOW are sure "she" isn't her or were you named specifically. BS might be triggering about something. I think your ex was right about an OOW. Also, the BS might not realize that there is a new woman involved and thinks it is you. If you are comfortable providing more information about the status update, I think that it could help. If she thinks you are the OOW, I don't know maybe you should send her an email telling her you are willing to answer her questions in a civil manner but only if she agrees to go complete NC. Either way though, I'd still delete that profile to protect your children. Thanks awkward, I have fixed the profile It is on lock down. I would rather not say what it said...because I kiss my kids:) But, it was a reply to my post. A random post. I now see where maybe she could have in the "smallest" way associated with what happened. As I said, if I were in her shoes maybe... But it honestly had nothing to do with him or her. She is visiting my page though. I didn't think she would. He deactivated his acct. And she never uses hers. So he says. I actually deactivated mine up until two months ago. So I am not sure what sparked her sudden curiousity to look me up. Because before Nov you couldn't have found me. Maybe he isn't putting his whole- heart into reconciling. Esp if he is busy with OOW. She could blame me for his behavior... not knowing another is in the pic.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I wasn't feeling that yet. I didn't have that kind of hope yet. I honestly felt like he told me was "dying." Because that is what it felt like. My head was still spinning over our relationship, the promises of the past two years...and then in less than hour he did a complete switch. I didn't tell her because I was afraid. I was seperated. We were discussing divorce, custody, etc at that time. Stbx knew I was seeing xMM and he was livid...b/c legally we weren't divorced. He was threatening to have xMM subpeona, and to take custody. He was the one that sent or had someone send the anonymous email to BS. Though I never neglected my kids to see xMM, and I am home every night and take great care of them...not a drug user thank God...I am a great mom...I was still so scared! xMM said she would ruin my life...which I considered she would involve my stbx even more. xMM said he was "protecting" me and the kids by covering up the affair. So I didn't tell. Stbx did say that she emailed him. That he hadn't replied "yet." Now that time has passed, I understand xMM was more than likely protecting himself. Honestly had a wave of tired come over me, so couldn't read the above blah, just to say that I meant that everybody guessing at everyone else's motivations was kind of fruitless. (except MM, they seem to be pretty similar, sorry to say).
SunsetRed Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 So he now has another OW?? Wow. The W must feel like sh*t. Getting rid of you couldn't keep him faithful because you were not the toxic part of their relationship...he was. One day you'll wonder how a low life like him could ever have the power to hurt someone as wonderful as you.
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Hang in there Blizzard, God will show you what to do, and even if you make the wrong decision, He'll fix it:) You got my thoughts and prayers, and please keep up updated:)
Author blizzard Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you pure...that's what I needed I hear. And thank you for the prayer. I have been so busy wanting her to know the truth in order for us both to move forward that I didn't consider that she may go to my stbx. He knows an affair happened...and that it was EA/PA but he didn't want the low down facts. We sort of swept it under the rug. Giving him the gory may disturb him...it will give him hard evidence...and the chance for him to build a case against me during the divorce. It's like I am back at square one when dday occurred happened. This is insane.
Author blizzard Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) So he now has another OW?? Wow. The W must feel like sh*t. Getting rid of you couldn't keep him faithful because you were not the toxic part of their relationship...he was. One day you'll wonder how a low life like him could ever have the power to hurt someone as wonderful as you. I don't have "proof" but it is suspected. You are right. I now see how toxic he really is. That he has issues. While we were plutonically involved, he told me that in his midtwenties his gf became pregnant and they married. Five years or so later he cheated on her. He said she was caught cheating, so while the cards were out he would play his...and come clean about his affair. She freaked. She kicked him out and took everything he had. This clearly doesn't sound rational now. Sounds like he cheated and got caught. He said he would never go through that again...he wouldn't tread those waters with his present wife. And he did... it happened again. But she in turn has decided to hang onto him. His exwife despises his current wife which tells me even more that he was more than likely the only one that cheated I see them as both immature about marriage (If what he discussed with me was true). Jealousy was rampant. The alcohol. I see them as one of the couples that fight all the time, then make up. Only to fight again the next day. Love hate thing. Oddly enough, her parents recently divorced after 35 yrs of marriage. Maybe that is why she can't walk away. One day you'll wonder how a low life like him could ever have the power to hurt someone as wonderful as you I am going to put this someplace special...along with pure's. It's powerful...Thank you. Sometimes it helps to be reminded. Edited January 10, 2011 by blizzard
donnamaybe Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Quite frankly anyone can get a temporary restraining order, whether the complaint is true or not. Some people like to live in la la land about what happens in the legal realm. And threatening the OP is definitely a legitimate complaint. GELHA HAAAA! I WORK in criminal justice, so come on out of your own la la land.
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