What's the proper way to deal with flaky girls? How do you NOT get angry?

[U1987]

I don't know if guys have always had this problem; I'm in my early 20s and maybe this is just a generational thing, but if anyone can relate, I'd appreciate. I feel like to many girls are flaky (as in unreliable; promising to call or text back but not doing it, making date but showing up late or not at all, giving phone numbers out but not picking up or writing back when you try to reach them)

 

It's an understatement to say that this is "annoying" to me. It really, really gets to me. It really bothers me when a girl does this, but I have no idea what's the proper way to respond to a situation like this.

 

I've had girls do all that to me and I've either ignored them and never talked to them again, told them off or acted like nothing them and tried to ask them out again. Giving them the cold shoulder or trying again never worked; they never called back or they flaked again and we never had our date.

 

On the other hand, telling them off actually worked with 2 ex-girlfriend; they flaked (they chronically no-showed) and I directly told them that I wasn't okay with that; that it was rude and that it was a waste of my time and that I was this-close to cutting them out of my life for it. They apologized, straightened up and we actually got together afterwards.

 

I then thought that was the appropriate way to respond but the girls I've been confronting over flaky behavior haven't been biting or responding (concerning the last few girls who pulled this who I tried to go out with)

 

I was supposed to meet a girl tonight at 10:00. It wasn't even a date; she was the sister of a girl I tried to go out with but rejected me, but me and the sister were cool with each other and became okay casual acquaintances with.

 

I texted her early in the morning saying that we haven't seen each other in forever, happy late new year and that we should hang out and catch up. I wanted to do it just as friends; I had no ulterior motives. I wasn't trying to date her or hook up with her or anything.

 

She said yeah we should and that she "might" be going to this bar late at night. I told her I'd be up for it. Later in the evening I texted asking if she definitely would show up (since she had said "might") and that she would be there at 10:00. I told her I'd show up.

 

I show up a little before 10:00 and she's nowhere to be found. I texted her at 10:30 reminding her that I'm there. She asks "Is it crowded?" I responded that it's getting there. She texts me back at 11:00 telling me she's on her way. I know for a fact that she only lives a couple of blocks away, but by 11:30 she's still no where. I text her "Hey. Think are you close by?" She texts that she'll be there in 15 minutes, but 12:00 rolls by and she's still nowhere. I call her and she doesn't respond, and I don't bother to leave a voicemail. I left at 12:15

 

I'm still really annoyed at this situation. Like I said, it wasn't even a date. I wasn't trying to go out or hook up with her; I just wanted to catch and hook up, but she no showed. I drove a long way, paid for cover and for a drink and she didn't show up.

 

I'm at a loss for words really. I'm really upset about this. I really want to tell her off, but I'm holding back right now. I'm just tired of this happening. I don't understand why it's so difficult for some girls to keep their commitments, even if they're just small ones.

 

But when it does happen, how should a guy respond? What's the proper thing to do right now?

[mo mo]

walking away would be the best response

[Leigh 87]

Do not bother with people, women or men, who say they will meet you several times, but are unable to do it; it shows a weakness in character that I would not want the people I hang out with the have.

 

Don't bother with people like that. It stupid of her to tell you she will " be there soon", I mean, she could easily have made it on time, but she was obviously doing something else that caused her to keep putting off meeting you.

 

People with good social skills know that it is not socially acceptable to say you will meet some one several times, and keep on standing them up; it is not THAT HARD to meet a person on time ; you even gave her a chance to be later once, and she STILL did not bother.

 

She is either too stupid to know how to walk out of her house to meet you on time, or she has terrible manners; I would guess it is the latter.

 

SERIOUSLY. why BOTHER with people like that!? It is selling yourself short.

[Analeigh]

In my experience, that kind of flaking means one of two things.

 

1. She's not really that interested, but too immature to know how to say that outright or she wants to keep you around "just in case."

 

2. She is extremely rude and fairly stupid, to think that kind of behavior is acceptable.

 

I would go with a combination. Tell her exactly how rude it is, and then cut her off. Neither of those options make good relationship material.

[KraftDinner]

This type of behaviour is definitely not exclusive to women. It upsets me a lot too. It's totally annoying and intolerable in a friendship, and a complete dealbreaker in a romantic relationship.

 

I am so untrusting by nature, I pretty much assume EVERYONE is like this UNTIL they prove me wrong. That may sound paranoid, but since I started using that attitude, the caliber of people that I associate with has increased significantly. I found trusting and waiting for them to ruin my trust was painful and time-consuming.

 

Now, everyone in my life is trustworthy and reliable. EVERYONE.

[sally4sara]

No matter what relationship you're dealing with, friendship, business, or romantic, flaky people will try your patience.

 

You need a clear idea of the kind of treatment that makes you feel respected and considered and what kind of treatment makes you feel a lack of respect and consideration.

 

And this is where standards come in. It doesn't matter how hot the person is. It doesn't matter how fun they might be in those rare moments they are not pissing you off, the overall tone has you upset.

 

You tell them it bothers you. You tell them how you'd rather be treated. ONE TWO THREE strikes and you're out. Don't look back, don't bother wondering if there was something you could have done to make them realize they made you feel bad. Move on to better associations.

 

We teach people how to treat us by the worst we will put up with. If you keep coming back for more of what has you upset, they have no incentive to change. And really, they don't have to change. They can find someone else who will tolerate it.

[Knittress]

How do you not get angry? Dude, you SHOULD be angry. This is entirely disrespectful of you and your time and you should communicate that you deserve better by not hanging around for a second serving of bs.

 

There have been a lot of people in my life who've done this to me, guys and girls, romantic and platonic, and it totally pisses me off to no end. What's even worse is that the people who tend to pull this crap have a tendency to disappear like smoke when you (calmly, non-confrontationally) tell them that you're not cool with something they're doing. And then you're sitting around wondering what's wrong with YOU that nobody wants to stick around.

 

How do I deal with this? I spend a lot of time ranting on the phone to my mother.

[dispatch3d]

I was supposed to meet a girl tonight at 10:00. It wasn't even a date; she was the sister of a girl I tried to go out with but rejected me, but me and the sister were cool with each other and became okay casual acquaintances with.

 

I texted her early in the morning saying that we haven't seen each other in forever, happy late new year and that we should hang out and catch up. I wanted to do it just as friends; I had no ulterior motives. I wasn't trying to date her or hook up with her or anything.

 

She said yeah we should and that she "might" be going to this bar late at night. I told her I'd be up for it. Later in the evening I texted asking if she definitely would show up (since she had said "might") and that she would be there at 10:00. I told her I'd show up.

 

I show up a little before 10:00 and she's nowhere to be found. I texted her at 10:30 reminding her that I'm there. She asks "Is it crowded?" I responded that it's getting there. She texts me back at 11:00 telling me she's on her way. I know for a fact that she only lives a couple of blocks away, but by 11:30 she's still no where. I text her "Hey. Think are you close by?" She texts that she'll be there in 15 minutes, but 12:00 rolls by and she's still nowhere. I call her and she doesn't respond, and I don't bother to leave a voicemail. I left at 12:15

 

I'm still really annoyed at this situation. Like I said, it wasn't even a date. I wasn't trying to go out or hook up with her; I just wanted to catch and hook up, but she no showed. I drove a long way, paid for cover and for a drink and she didn't show up.

 

I'm at a loss for words really. I'm really upset about this. I really want to tell her off, but I'm holding back right now. I'm just tired of this happening. I don't understand why it's so difficult for some girls to keep their commitments, even if they're just small ones.

 

But when it does happen, how should a guy respond? What's the proper thing to do right now?

 

Why ask her if she's definitely going to be there? To me it makes her showing up seem too important, but maybe that sort of thing is a good idea. I don't really know.

 

When she texted you after being 30 minutes late "Is it crowded?". If you had set a specific time for her to be there - 10 pm - then when she's 30 minutes late she starts asking questions like that I would seriously wonder. Pretend this happens. Instead of it being some girl your dating, you are instead meeting your mom for dinner. If she sent a text 30 minutes after she was supposed to be there how would you respond? I think the response should be similar, but slightly toned down. If some chick decides to text me that after being 30 minutes late and we have a solid time set, then I'm sorry but she ****ed up lol. I wouldn't be rude or angry or anything towards her. I'd just send her a text saying something to the effect of it's rude to say you're going to go somewhere then flake out. I'd just leave it at that. If she shows up good, if she doesn't better (lol).

 

People are responding to this problem like they are making friends. Quite honestly dating it's completely different. Women, honestly you have no idea how unpleasant it can be to date you. The reasons are in this post.

 

Fwiw I feel the same way. I find a lot of women's behaviour while dating being very disrespectful to me. I'm not going to tell anyone off (I don't think you have the right, and what's the point), but at the same time I'm not going to play nice when they pull this crap.

[Banker Chick]

How do you deal with it? You don't allow yourself to be put in a position where it's going to escalate to the point you're angry. Meaning ... walk away when you can still just look at it as dodging a bullet. If you're to the point where you've gotten angry, then you've allowed yourself to become too invested. First off, you have to get to the point where you approach the situation thinking she may not show up. You have to be prepared to have a good time anyway; have a back up plan. This way, if she doesn't show you won't be disappointed and can still have a good time. Next, don't bother calling. The fact she didn't show up on time told you all you needed to know at that point and calling her just gave her a level of importance that wasn't warranted. And lastly, don't even bother getting angry and telling them how you feel. Not only will they not care, you'll just validate to them everything they were already thinking about you. Just walk away.

 

And for the record, men do this too

[youngskywalker]

I'm at a loss for words really. I'm really upset about this. I really want to tell her off, but I'm holding back right now. I'm just tired of this happening. I don't understand why it's so difficult for some girls to keep their commitments, even if they're just small ones. But when it does happen, how should a guy respond? What's the proper thing to do right now?

 

You'll learn that when a girl does this either they are low quality women that you don't want anyway or she's not even remotely interested. In both instances you just simply launch her and go your way.

 

So how do you respond? Simple, you don't. Write her off and move on. She stood you up. Why even give her the satisfaction of telling her off?

[BobSacamento]

It is a defense mechanism.