I was the Dumper...Now Regret

[precious1]

Hi, I'm new here and hoping that I can gain some insight on my situation

 

Long story short I broke up with my boyfriend 8 months ago because I had some reservations about our different religious beliefs. During the first couple of months of our breakup we were still pretty close (talked/ hung out daily). We are both 21 in school working on our graduate degrees and each other's first real loves (together for 2.5 yrs).

 

3 months after the breakup, I realized that I loved him too much for religious differences to even matter. I truly wanted him, all of him, just the way he is. In order to fix the situation I talked to him about getting back together (told him he was the love of my life, that I was truly sorry, that I regretted letting him down, and that life just was not the same without us). He turned me down. He said he was at a good place and his feelings for me had changed and that he did not know if he still loved me. But he made sure I knew that he forgave me. He also said he didn't want to be with me now but did not know what the future holds. I told him I understood, that the ball was in his court and I have not mentioned getting back together ever since then.

 

Needless to say I was pretty devastated. We have been LC since then, with an occasional text. I still see him around at school (we live in the same building also) and try to remain as polite as possible. I am struggling daily with my decision to end things with him but I am even more confused because 11 months into the relationship he broke up with me for 3 horrible months. I went through the crying, pleading, begging and just when I finally met a new guy, he came back and I took him back. Our relationship during the first couple of months back together was pretty rocky, but we were eventually able to bounce back stronger than ever.

 

While I was not expecting him to jump right back into my arms when I tried to get back together, I did not expect his response because I thought he would understand since he had put me in the same position before.

 

How do I deal with the guilt/regret of messing up our relationship? I know I truly hurt him and just wanted a chance to make things right. I feel like I lost my best friend. And do I consider myself the dumper or dumpee in this situation? Maybe he was expecting me to fight harder for him? Should I go NC or stay LC? I just don't know what to do. I want to move on with my life and not live with the "what ifs". A part of me still holds on to some hope because during the first breakup when he was the dumper, he told me that there was no hope for us and still came back eventually.

 

I would really appreciate any advice, comments, insight.

Edited January 7, 2011 by precious1

[Keridan]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Any break up is rough, no matter which side you are on.

 

Unfortunately, the best advice I could give is to go NC and try to move on. If he is unsure of his feelings or not willing to get back together, there is very little you can do and keeping the wound open will keep you stuck in this place that is hurting you. You may never get satisfactory answers to your what ifs and such.

 

I really think your best option right now is to work on you and making yourself happy. Focus on school and whatever hobbies you really like. Spend time with friends. If you are interested in meeting someone else, you can get out and look a little, but that shouldn't really be a priority either. Get your mind on other things and you will feel better sooner.

 

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish ya luck!

[Keridan]

Dang thing double-posted for some reason

Edited January 7, 2011 by Keridan
Double post

[precious1]

Thank you so much for your advice Keridan. I was afraid no one was going to respond. I guess NC it is then. I was afraid of walking away/ shutting the door for good because a part of me felt like there was still something I could do to change the situation. But life goes on now I guess.

[Leandro]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Any break up is rough, no matter which side you are on.

 

Unfortunately, the best advice I could give is to go NC and try to move on. If he is unsure of his feelings or not willing to get back together, there is very little you can do and keeping the wound open will keep you stuck in this place that is hurting you. You may never get satisfactory answers to your what ifs and such.

 

I really think your best option right now is to work on you and making yourself happy. Focus on school and whatever hobbies you really like. Spend time with friends. If you are interested in meeting someone else, you can get out and look a little, but that shouldn't really be a priority either. Get your mind on other things and you will feel better sooner.

 

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish ya luck!

I agree with Keridan.

 

Even though you're a dumper. I don't have anything against you. You dumped for a much better reason than most of us here. I respect your religious beliefs as well. I wish you the best.

 

Good luck out there.

[SimonSerenade]

I'd say you've done all the damage to be done, I'm all for religion and respecting it and all that but to let it come inbetween a relationship is just silly, Putting all that aside, I'd write all your feelings down on a page and send them to him, Let it all out, Hold nothing back then go no contact and if he comes back it was meant to be and he dosen't then its just one of those unfortunate things in life.

[Chi townD]

I agree with Simon,

 

I have two friends that are married and they are on total opposites on religion. He's Catholic and she's Jewish. They get along great and are very happy. They respect each others customs in their religions as well. For instance, they had a Christmas tree in their down stairs family room and had a menorah on the dining room table. The in-laws weren't hip on her marrying my friend, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And hers wanted him.

 

I might think that you may have to chalk this up to lessons learned for the future. I think that too much damage is done here. Sorry.

[precious1]

Thank you guys for your replies. I have contemplated reaching out to him one more time but I don't know if it is even relevant to him after 8 months apart. When he broke up with me (due to a case of GIGS) I took him back. But now that the tables have been turned he won't even hear me out. I'm afraid to reach out again. In spite of everything, I know that I was a goood girlfriend to him overall. I was hoping that he would at least look at the good and consider us again. Guess I can't expect him to or blame him for not wanting to

[Graceful]

Sorry for the confusion and sadness you are feeling.

 

This is a cautionary tale, however: every situation cannot be healed, people do fall out of love, and you cannot control the outcome of any relationship, even based on past behavior (ergo, he took you back in the past).

 

This really was the second break, he broke up with you once, then you ended it with him. So from his side, this might have told him all he needed to know about how well the two of you got along. It wasn't working for him.

 

And it does make me wonder if you would really be compromising with your religious beliefs, just b/c right now you miss him. I don't know if I'm convinced some where down the road you would go back to resenting or feeling pangs of discomfort being with him.

 

It's been eight months. Stay the course. There is absolutely nothing worse than regrets in this life, so tell yourself you did what you thought was right, and what's done is done. You can't fight for someone's love, you can't fight to get them back. If anything, the lighter the touch, the more likely someone is to come back on their own. If you have to "convince" someone they should be with you, it can never work.

 

Go NC. Stop holding out hope. He's not the only guy in the world. Think hard about your priorities for your next relationship. If religion is a big thing for you, try to find the right match. If you now feel you could make compromises, then you've learned a valuable lesson.

 

You sound very nice. You're going to be okay, just believe that yourself.

 

 

How do I deal with the guilt/regret of messing up our relationship? I know I truly hurt him and just wanted a chance to make things right. I feel like I lost my best friend. And do I consider myself the dumper or dumpee in this situation? Maybe he was expecting me to fight harder for him? Should I go NC or stay LC? I just don't know what to do. I want to move on with my life and not live with the "what ifs". A part of me still holds on to some hope because during the first breakup when he was the dumper, he told me that there was no hope for us and still came back eventually.

[precious1]

Thank you for your reply Graceful. Your advice pretty much resonates with what friends and family have been telling me since they know us both very well. I just needed to hear from someone on the outside looking in. I will officially be going NC,and leave it up to fate/God/ the universe to guide me down my path. As for the regrets, I've poured out my heart to him, apologized, gone out of my way to show him I care even after the breakup to no avail. Its up to me to make my peace with his decision now. Thank you again.