Having Cold Feet and Girlfriend has given Ultimatum for Marriage

[rajcs25]

I know my Girlfriend from around 6 Months. She used to live in a different town and now moved to my town as we together decided on our long term relationship. We both are in our Mid 30's. We both have broken up in relationships with someone else in the past. In beginning of our relationship we had too many quarrels, it started with love, than lot of quarrels, we resolved that so we felt more love, but some of those quarrels and some of her attitudes, led me to a lot of compromise in order to get the relationship going. I dont mind compromising. I know i will have to compromise with one person or another in certain ways. I have also given up a lot of the personal choices i had in the past in order to get married and get settled. But I feel that while i am mature enough, my girlfriend is not mature enough. She often lives in her own world. She is extremely worried about her career, her job, her finances always. She cares for me sometimes, but she is very egoistic. Again if i am marrying i know i have to keep my eyes open while entering into the marriage that lot of these things are not going away. But i want to make sure of the basics that drive life. We already talked about children and both agree on that part. She has given me ultimatum that get married or else we part and stop talking with each other. I told her i completely understand your situation and cant keep you waiting so you can talk with other guys until i am undecided. I need some time and the day i am decided, i will marry with you immediately and even i dont want to take longer but i want to sit down and talk with you about important confusion and issues that drives our life together in the future. She does not like that. She feels insecure and feels that even if she discusses with me if i dont like answers i will leave her. I have done so many things for her in the past and helped her so much and she has admitted several times she loves me very much and she cant live without me

 

I completely understand her situation that she cant wait for me rest of her life, i have to make decision some day, but what my fears are 'I dont want our marriage to end in divorce'. There are ups and downs in life, but i dont want a daily quarrel and unhappy domestic life after marriage.

 

The reason i have doubts about this is because 'She is very career oriented and she think about herself her career, her fame etc. often and dont worry about me all the times. She is one person sometimes and different person sometimes. When she cares, she cares about me, but more often she is more into her career and what she needs to do and i have a doubt she wants to get married to get settled but is not entering into marriage with her eyes open. I want to make sure we talk about important issues about resolving conflicts, her loyalty and commitment to me etc...

Whereas she says, expect me the way i am or else i cant wait any further. She tells me you should have asked all this in last 6 months.

 

I tried to ask, but she has mood swings when asked a tough question, yes she is not very bold to face complex questions, she gets a lot of ego when i ask those complex questions and starts walking away. She has lots of positives too.

 

I am very confused and dont know what to do.

 

I need help. Please advise what should i do, what should i tell her? Should i even put efforts to marry her or what else is best for my happiness?

[Keridan]

I think that if you have questions and serious concerns, you need to address them before signing up for the rest of your life. She shouldn't be forcing you into it or it will just make things rough in the long run.

 

I think seeing some sort of therapist would be a good idea. There are many great programs for premarital counseling that would help you get some of those questions answered. If you are Christian, you can look for a program at your church. Otherwise, any counselor will be able to provide some insight. The key is to be in a moderated forum where you can address the questions you have. You might even try some private counseling for anything you need to work out yourself.

 

Don't let her push you into marriage. That is the worst possible option. Marriage is something that shouldn't be forced or pushed or hurried. You want to make that decision properly. It's a long time to be stuck with someone you aren't compatible with. Especially if you have children.

 

Tell her you aren't running away, but you need to do it right and that you hope for her support. Hopefully she will understand that. Otherwise you might be better off letting her walk away.

 

Good luck! I hope you find a good solution!

[rajcs25]

Thank you very much for your help. I tried to tell her i need time and want to do it right, but she said, you got 6 months, its enough now, she said she wants to get settled, she will find a guy if i am not ready to get married soon and she has given me ultimatum. I told her i want to do it right and resolve all issues, she is saying "i should have thought about that before giving her commitment".

[TigerCub]

You've been with this girl for 6 months, and she's already giving you the marriage ultimatum? Really?

 

and on top of it you say:"but i want to sit down and talk with you about important confusion and issues that drives our life together in the future. She does not like that. She feels insecure and feels that even if she discusses with me if i dont like answers i will leave her." ..... THAT is HUGE!!

 

She's showing that she's not even willing to talk about important things that need to be discussed before marriage

AND she's worried about showing you her TRUE self because she's afraid you'd leave her - HUGE RED FLAGS!!

 

Don't get bullied into getting married!

 

You say you don't want to get married and end up divorced, but what do you think is going to happen if you're being given ultimatums (and soooooo soon into this, its not like she's wasted 12 years with you and is waiting for a ring, she's only been with you for 6 months!!)

And she doesn't like discussing important issues with you - sorry but that certainly doesn't sound like a dream relationship that will lead to a happy/fulfilling marriage.

 

...but, that's just my view on it...

 

oh, and from the sound of it - watch out, this girl seems like the "I'll get pregnant and bind him to me forever - that'll fix everything" type

 

btw - this response is coming from a female - and I'm telling you to be very careful.

[rajcs25]

Thank you very much for your response. And being a female, i heartily respect you very much for your honest opinion. Thank you again

 

Now if i tell her no i still need time, what is the best way to tell her, and most important is what do i think, how do i make up my mind that this was good for me, and i did right thing and i will not regret later and i stay happy. Also she says if i am not ready, she wont even talk with me, is there any better words to tell her the "We can still be friends"? Any better way to convince her in that part

 

Thanks again

[Smoky Day]

There is probably no way you can just peacefully refuse engagement and break it off while still being friends, and without any kind of scene. You could do that with some people, maybe, but not with this girl. She sounds like a piece of work.

 

She's being extremely controlling and manipulative, and this is at the stage when she's supposedly trying to win you over. She's likely to get worse once she's got you where she really wants you, think about that.

 

It's been SIX MONTHS. What is her hurry? I am a woman, and I would never, ever consider marrying someone I'd only known for six months, especially if they were trying to strongarm me into it and refusing to talk rationally like adults. She sounds immature and selfish. I would really, really think hard about committing to marriage with somebody like this if I were you. It seems like a recipe for misery and disaster.

[denise_xo]

I know my Girlfriend from around 6 Months. She used to live in a different town and now moved to my town as we together decided on our long term relationship. We both are in our Mid 30's. We both have broken up in relationships with someone else in the past. In beginning of our relationship we had too many quarrels, it started with love, than lot of quarrels, we resolved that so we felt more love, but some of those quarrels and some of her attitudes, led me to a lot of compromise in order to get the relationship going. I dont mind compromising. I know i will have to compromise with one person or another in certain ways. I have also given up a lot of the personal choices i had in the past in order to get married and get settled. But I feel that while i am mature enough, my girlfriend is not mature enough. She often lives in her own world. She is extremely worried about her career, her job, her finances always. She cares for me sometimes, but she is very egoistic. Again if i am marrying i know i have to keep my eyes open while entering into the marriage that lot of these things are not going away. But i want to make sure of the basics that drive life. We already talked about children and both agree on that part. She has given me ultimatum that get married or else we part and stop talking with each other. I told her i completely understand your situation and cant keep you waiting so you can talk with other guys until i am undecided. I need some time and the day i am decided, i will marry with you immediately and even i dont want to take longer but i want to sit down and talk with you about important confusion and issues that drives our life together in the future. She does not like that. She feels insecure and feels that even if she discusses with me if i dont like answers i will leave her. I have done so many things for her in the past and helped her so much and she has admitted several times she loves me very much and she cant live without me

 

I completely understand her situation that she cant wait for me rest of her life, i have to make decision some day, but what my fears are 'I dont want our marriage to end in divorce'. There are ups and downs in life, but i dont want a daily quarrel and unhappy domestic life after marriage.

 

The reason i have doubts about this is because 'She is very career oriented and she think about herself her career, her fame etc. often and dont worry about me all the times. She is one person sometimes and different person sometimes. When she cares, she cares about me, but more often she is more into her career and what she needs to do and i have a doubt she wants to get married to get settled but is not entering into marriage with her eyes open. I want to make sure we talk about important issues about resolving conflicts, her loyalty and commitment to me etc...

Whereas she says, expect me the way i am or else i cant wait any further. She tells me you should have asked all this in last 6 months.

 

I tried to ask, but she has mood swings when asked a tough question, yes she is not very bold to face complex questions, she gets a lot of ego when i ask those complex questions and starts walking away. She has lots of positives too.

 

I am very confused and dont know what to do.

 

I need help. Please advise what should i do, what should i tell her? Should i even put efforts to marry her or what else is best for my happiness?

 

Hi there,

I agree with a lot of what others have said here and I think the bits in bold are serious red flags. You sound like you're taking a mature approach to this and some of the issues bolded WILL set serious obstacles for a healthy marriage. LIke TC said, if she can't discuss important issues in a relationship that's a bit of a recipe for disaster.

 

In terms of how to talk to her, I think you should just say a version of what you've said to us here - that you see many positive things about her, but that her incapacity to deal with important discussions is a red flag for you and you worry that this will have very negative consequences for your relationship in the long term. Tell her that you need her to work on herself and SHOW you changes in this area before you are willing to commit to a marriage, and that you are not happy with being given an ultimatum of this sort after only six months. Maybe offer her to go to MC if you'd be willing to do that, if she finds it difficult to address these issues by herself.

 

If she doesn't understand those IMO very legitimate concerns, then I'd have severe hesitations taking this further if I were you.

 

Good luck and don't take any more crap from this woman.

[Fight4Me]

I can guarantee you that with marriage, even the smallest of problems will magnify themselves exponentially. In other words, you haven't seen anything yet!

 

Anyone who places a marriage ultimatum on the table after only six months of dating has some very serious issues. She needs to find herself a Chia Husband where all she has to do is watch it grow. But seriously, something is wrong when a woman is as insecure as yours is. Forget the divorce, she'll put you into an early grave.

 

I'm also a woman (if that helps), and I say RUN!

[Duckduckgoose]

You mentioned that she is not willing to sit down and seriously discuss the relationship. She is giving you an ultimatum after 6 months?

 

Your concerns are very valid and from what you said she seems very controlling. No, these issues will not get better with marriage. In fact, I fear for you that if she gets you to marry her she will only get worse (like haha I got him now! kind of thing) and when you have finally had enough she will take you for everything you've got.

 

Try more to discuss the issues with her, don't just try once and give up, really put a good effort into it. If she still can't see what is going on, then leave her.

[rajcs25]

How do i still keep her talking with me, even if we are not getting married, of course, until she finds someone else whom she is serious with, than its completely her choice?

 

how do i make my mind in all this? and i divert myself and i dont get in any sort of depression? how to resolve this so that she stays friends with me if not ready to give me more time? or she gives me more time? is there anything better i can do?

[Duckduckgoose]

Don't keep her on the line if she is checking out of the relationship.

 

Communication issues I think are #1 cause of divorce. Someone else suggested a counselor for the two of you. That is a good idea.

 

What do you need more time for? To decide if you want to marry her? Right now it seems you are unsure that you want to marry her. If doesn't agree to a counselor and keeps blowing off your concerns while still keeping you to the ultimatum then you need to make an ultimatum of your own: Sit down and listen to me so we can work this out or this relationship is over.

 

I am not sure there is anything better you can do. It seems like you are trying to talk to her. If need be, set up an appointment in counselling for yourself only (independent counselling) and ask that counselor if maybe your communication styles are different? I find that an objective 3rd party helps a lot.

[Distant78]

I stopped at the part where you said you've only known her for 6 months. I would be on her side if she at least gave you the ultimatum if that 6 months was a year or more. She sounds controlling. Please dump her before she gets more angrier and cheat.

[TigerCub]

Thank you very much for your response. And being a female, i heartily respect you very much for your honest opinion. Thank you again

You're very welcome

 

Now if i tell her no i still need time, what is the best way to tell her, and most important is what do i think, how do i make up my mind that this was good for me, and i did right thing and i will not regret later and i stay happy. Also she says if i am not ready, she wont even talk with me, is there any better words to tell her the "We can still be friends"? Any better way to convince her in that part

 

Thanks again

 

I think you just need to be honest with her.

If you love her, tell her that you love her and you hope that you guys will get married someday (soon), but it has to be when you're both ready for it. Tell her that you don't intend to string her along for years, but you'd at least like to get to know her for more than a year.

You'd like to see how the both of you can deal with whatever issues that may come up in your lives.

 

Also, if you stress to her that you VALUE marriage and you never will marry thinking that a quick divorce is the solution to anything, that means that you also need to be SURE of your decision to marry and that you don't take that lightly.

 

You should probably also tell her that her resistance to discussing things with you (because she's afraid you wont like what you hear) is a great concern for you because if you marry someone it needs to be someone that you truly know well, trust, and love.

 

Simply tell her that marriage is not something you take lightly and the person you wish to marry one day, will understand that and feel the same way, they wont be a person giving you ultimatums and starting off a life long bond based on threats.

Make sure you stress the fact that you will not string her along, but that you need to be sure of your relationship, and how it develops.

 

If you tell her all that, and she doesn't like it, honestly, you'd be better off if she walked away. That's just my personal opinion, but its because I wouldn't jump into something so serious with someone when I'm not ready, and simply because they tried to bully me into it, that's not a real relationship.

 

Also, if she's giving you ultimatums now, what do you think she's gonna do later when you're married? she's going to threaten separation and divorce anytime you're not willing to let her have her way - don't trap yourself.

[rajcs25]

Hi TigerCub,

This weekend again she pressured me for answer, and saying she will stop talking if i dont answer. However i got sick so she took good care of me and did not bother much. On and off she got very upset and remembered her ultimatum and kept expecting the answer and did not talk nicely, but than after a while became nice. I completely understand where she is coming from:- "If i put myself in her shoe, if i like someone very much and i have given some time and especially if i have personal wishes to get married and get settled ASAP, i would do everything i can to seek that person. When we met, i liked her, so i went above and beyond and did a lot and made trip to different state where she used to live to meet her every single weekend, speding almost 500$ avg. for a weekend. But over a time i realized, that while she can be a good company, a good mother to my kids( i am of course compromising 1000's of her bad habits, as i might also have bad habits, which only others can point out), but my biggest concern is she should not threaten me for divorce. You brought up a very good point about her resistance to discuss. She did discuss things with me, however, when i brough certain things up, she immediately gets upset, reacts and tells me "Find someone else", than i convince her and explain her "wait dear, lets talk", so she would happily answer things that she likes, but give up on things that she dont like. Please help me understand, am i wrong? is this normal? or is she wrong? Nobody is perfect and lots of things dont happen in a perfect way? But even to drive life, is what she is doing good? or its a red flag?

 

 

You're very welcome

 

 

 

I think you just need to be honest with her.

If you love her, tell her that you love her and you hope that you guys will get married someday (soon), but it has to be when you're both ready for it. Tell her that you don't intend to string her along for years, but you'd at least like to get to know her for more than a year.

You'd like to see how the both of you can deal with whatever issues that may come up in your lives.

 

Also, if you stress to her that you VALUE marriage and you never will marry thinking that a quick divorce is the solution to anything, that means that you also need to be SURE of your decision to marry and that you don't take that lightly.

 

You should probably also tell her that her resistance to discussing things with you (because she's afraid you wont like what you hear) is a great concern for you because if you marry someone it needs to be someone that you truly know well, trust, and love.

 

Simply tell her that marriage is not something you take lightly and the person you wish to marry one day, will understand that and feel the same way, they wont be a person giving you ultimatums and starting off a life long bond based on threats.

Make sure you stress the fact that you will not string her along, but that you need to be sure of your relationship, and how it develops.

 

If you tell her all that, and she doesn't like it, honestly, you'd be better off if she walked away. That's just my personal opinion, but its because I wouldn't jump into something so serious with someone when I'm not ready, and simply because they tried to bully me into it, that's not a real relationship.

 

Also, if she's giving you ultimatums now, what do you think she's gonna do later when you're married? she's going to threaten separation and divorce anytime you're not willing to let her have her way - don't trap yourself.

[denise_xo]

She did discuss things with me, however, when i brough certain things up, she immediately gets upset, reacts and tells me "Find someone else", than i convince her and explain her "wait dear, lets talk", so she would happily answer things that she likes, but give up on things that she dont like. Please help me understand, am i wrong? is this normal? or is she wrong? Nobody is perfect and lots of things dont happen in a perfect way? But even to drive life, is what she is doing good? or its a red flag?

 

It's a red flag, and it's kind of big.

[TigerCub]

Hi TigerCub,

This weekend again she pressured me for answer, and saying she will stop talking if i dont answer.

That's very immature. I just can't see myself wanting a relationship with someone that acts like that. If she's so quick to say that she wont talk to you or that she will leave you, that simply means that she's not that committed to you.

 

BTW - how old is she?

 

However i got sick so she took good care of me and did not bother much.

Ok, that's sweet and thoughtful, but it doesn't take away from the rest of the crap she's pulling.

 

I completely understand where she is coming from:- "If i put myself in her shoe, if i like someone very much and i have given some time and especially if i have personal wishes to get married and get settled ASAP, i would do everything i can to seek that person.

Call me crazy, but it would take a lot more than "liking someone very much" to want to commit the rest of my life to them.

 

Again, I'm curious about her age, because on the one hand she's in a HUGE rush to get married (and I"m assuming start a family), but on the other hand, she's acting very childish and immature.

 

As for the rest of what you said: Yes, if you like someone very much and you even think about marriage, you would do what you can to seek that person, but would you threaten them in order to make them commit to you?

Would you ever want a person to make a commitment to you (that they obviously seem doubtful about) just because you bullied them into it?

I'm just speaking for myself, but that's big H_LL NO!!!

 

When we met, i liked her, so i went above and beyond and did a lot and made trip to different state where she used to live to meet her every single weekend, speding almost 500$ avg. for a weekend. But over a time i realized, that while she can be a good company, a good mother to my kids( i am of course compromising 1000's of her bad habits, as i might also have bad habits, which only others can point out),

That may be true, but honestly, she seems like the type that would use those same kids as pawns to get whatever she wants from you.

 

You've shown her that you will do a lot of stuff to accomodate her, (which is really good), but in a good relationship that has to go both ways, and from what you're saying, it doesn't seem like she's willing to play it that way, instead, she's just expecting more from you while all she gives you are threats and ultimatums and showing that she'll walk away as soon as you stop giving her what she wants.

 

 

but my biggest concern is she should not threaten me for divorce. You brought up a very good point about her resistance to discuss. She did discuss things with me, however, when i brough certain things up, she immediately gets upset, reacts and tells me "Find someone else",

Very good/important concerns. You really should be worried about all that.

 

than i convince her and explain her "wait dear, lets talk", so she would happily answer things that she likes, but give up on things that she dont like.

That's where you're going wrong, you keep positively reinforcing her crappy attitude by chasing after her and sweet talking her in hopes that she'll come around and act like a mature person - you need to stop that. Its certainly not working because she thinks that you'll always do that.

 

If you get married to her, you guys will not be partners.

You'll take on the parent role and she'll be the child that threatens to run away when they don't get what they want

 

Ask yourself, do you really want that?

 

Please help me understand, am i wrong? is this normal? or is she wrong? Nobody is perfect and lots of things dont happen in a perfect way? But even to drive life, is what she is doing good? or its a red flag?

Yes and Yes to both questions in bold.

 

I know you like her, but honestly, if it were me, the next time they say "go find someone else", I'd say "That's exactly what I'm going to do, good luck to you and don't call me ever again"

 

but again...that's just me.

 

I think you know what's right and what's wrong, but you like this girl.

Just sit down for a while and imagine what your life with her will be like if things stay the way they are - then you'll have your answer on how you should go on from here.

[rajcs25]

Thanks again Tigercub,

 

Her age is 31. Yes i believe she is very immature than her age.

 

You are absolutely right. I dont know if you are therapist, but you perfectly analyzed how i am thinking and the situations. I love her and miss her when she is away so try to chase her all the time, but this cant go on for long. She has to take responsibilities. She gets up from table whenever we are discussing, so i am really afraid and want her to grow so that she takes this whole marriage thing seriously. She tells me she will never tell that after marriage, but should i trust her despite of all these experiences?

 

Also i told her i will not see anyone else, but you can see, still she is not willing to even talk with me, continue communication with me. Is there any better way to convince her on that?

 

That's very immature. I just can't see myself wanting a relationship with someone that acts like that. If she's so quick to say that she wont talk to you or that she will leave you, that simply means that she's not that committed to you.

 

BTW - how old is she?

 

 

Ok, that's sweet and thoughtful, but it doesn't take away from the rest of the crap she's pulling.

 

 

Call me crazy, but it would take a lot more than "liking someone very much" to want to commit the rest of my life to them.

 

Again, I'm curious about her age, because on the one hand she's in a HUGE rush to get married (and I"m assuming start a family), but on the other hand, she's acting very childish and immature.

 

As for the rest of what you said: Yes, if you like someone very much and you even think about marriage, you would do what you can to seek that person, but would you threaten them in order to make them commit to you?

Would you ever want a person to make a commitment to you (that they obviously seem doubtful about) just because you bullied them into it?

I'm just speaking for myself, but that's big H_LL NO!!!

 

 

That may be true, but honestly, she seems like the type that would use those same kids as pawns to get whatever she wants from you.

 

You've shown her that you will do a lot of stuff to accomodate her, (which is really good), but in a good relationship that has to go both ways, and from what you're saying, it doesn't seem like she's willing to play it that way, instead, she's just expecting more from you while all she gives you are threats and ultimatums and showing that she'll walk away as soon as you stop giving her what she wants.

 

 

 

Very good/important concerns. You really should be worried about all that.

 

 

That's where you're going wrong, you keep positively reinforcing her crappy attitude by chasing after her and sweet talking her in hopes that she'll come around and act like a mature person - you need to stop that. Its certainly not working because she thinks that you'll always do that.

 

If you get married to her, you guys will not be partners.

You'll take on the parent role and she'll be the child that threatens to run away when they don't get what they want

 

Ask yourself, do you really want that?

 

 

Yes and Yes to both questions in bold.

 

I know you like her, but honestly, if it were me, the next time they say "go find someone else", I'd say "That's exactly what I'm going to do, good luck to you and don't call me ever again"

 

but again...that's just me.

 

I think you know what's right and what's wrong, but you like this girl.

Just sit down for a while and imagine what your life with her will be like if things stay the way they are - then you'll have your answer on how you should go on from here.

[TigerCub]

Thanks again Tigercub,

 

Her age is 31. Yes i believe she is very immature than her age.

Thanks for telling me her age.

ok, so she's 31 and most likely a lot of her friends are married or getting there.

She's probably feeling the panic and thinking that she's running out of time is she wants to get married and start a family and have babies.

 

I think that's probably the driving force behind her craziness and rushing into all that. Plus, like most girls, I'm sure she gets some "I hope you get married soon and give me some grandkids" talk from her parents (most likely mom )

I'm not saying all of them apply pressure, but moms in general make these comments (even in a lighthearted way).

 

These are my guesses, and I think that's what's driving her urgent need to get married and stuff, HOWEVER, that does not excuse it. It doesn't excuse the way she's behaving at all, because, here's the funny thing - if this girl relaxed and showed you a happy year or so together without stress and drama, you might be the one thinking about marriage without her even having to bring it up. But she's making a huge issue of it, and busting out with ultimatums (sooooooooooo not the way to go about it).

 

You are absolutely right. I dont know if you are therapist, but you perfectly analyzed how i am thinking and the situations.

Haha, thanks, I just call it like I see it

 

I love her and miss her when she is away so try to chase her all the time, but this cant go on for long. She has to take responsibilities. She gets up from table whenever we are discussing, so i am really afraid and want her to grow so that she takes this whole marriage thing seriously. She tells me she will never tell that after marriage, but should i trust her despite of all these experiences?

If she can control herself and not tell you that she's walking away whenever you disagree, then why can't she do it now?

What will change that will make her grow up and not tell you these things after marriage?

 

That is her personality. Acting like a childish spoiled kid is how she deals with things, so why would she stop it after you get married (especially if it was effective enough to make you marry her in the first place).

 

I wouldn't believe that promise AT ALL.

 

Tell her to start acting that way now (ie. like a mature adult that's willing to stop the tantrums and discuss anything that needs to be discussed). See how that goes...my guess is that she'll throw a tantrum at your suggestion.

 

Also i told her i will not see anyone else, but you can see, still she is not willing to even talk with me, continue communication with me. Is there any better way to convince her on that?

 

Unless you're willing to be her pushover, there is no point in trying to convince her of anything.

I know you like her, but I really don't understand why you're trying so hard to keep someone like her in your life.

 

She's showing you that your concerns, your doubts, your needs, your timeline doesn't mean anything when compared to hers, that's not a person worth marrying. (not IMO anyways).

 

You know all this, so if you do marry her, don't be surprised and all sad that things didn't change because you'd only have yourself to blame for going through with it.

 

I honestly think you need to call her on her bluff.

When she tells you she's leaving, let her leave, and DON'T chase after her. If she really wants you, she might make adjustments and take your needs into consideration, if she doesn't she'll go out and try to find someone that will be dumb enough to want to marry her after a few months.

 

That's not you...I hope

[Ms. Joolie]

I think you have to ask yourself what you really want.

 

1) Do you want to get married?

You already said yes to this one.

 

2) Do you love her? Does she love you?

If you are certain with no doubt in your love for each other, then begin to be open to the possibility of marriage with this woman.

 

 

It is like she pulled the carpet out from under your feet, though. Ask yourself how you really want things to go from here and then let her know. See if she listens to your needs or is just demanding about hers.

[rajcs25]

Also to everyone responding to add to details, in case it matters

 

"I already proposed her sometime back and she said yes"

"Culture we both come from, usually we make decisions faster, so we already accepted we will get married some day, just not decided on wedding plans or other stuff".

 

From above two statements, i know most of people could side by her, or may be i am wrong. But its important that i share these two details with you.

I am not saying her "I dont want to marry you". But she wants it within few weeks" . That's what i can't accept right now.

 

Due to all the behaviour i saw in her, i want to take a step back and take time to think and resolve those issues rather than both having an unhappy life together. I am thinking more maturely and want to take time and make wise decision of actually legally tying a knot.

 

Now please advise, am i wrong or is she wrong. What should i do now?

 

I think you have to ask yourself what you really want.

 

1) Do you want to get married?

You already said yes to this one.

 

2) Do you love her? Does she love you?

If you are certain with no doubt in your love for each other, then begin to be open to the possibility of marriage with this woman.

 

 

It is like she pulled the carpet out from under your feet, though. Ask yourself how you really want things to go from here and then let her know. See if she listens to your needs or is just demanding about hers.

[rajcs25]

TigerCub,

 

You are right.

 

She throws a lot of tantrum and gets offended too quickly. Many people do, but i told her several times that dont do that while discussing serious issues. She tells me go find someone else and than again when i convince her, she is ready to talk

 

 

Also, you are right, if she would have been nice(forget about all bad living habits, i dont put any emphasis on that), if she would have been nice of a person, i would have happily accepted the proposal. But even after i proposed her and she accepted, she told me several times on several issues, that go find another girl etc.. etc..

 

and she did not hesitate to make quick decision in leaving me.

 

So my biggest fear is "What if she makes so quick immature decision in leaving me after we legally tie knot"?

 

 

Yes her parents influence her a lot in starting family faster and all her friends are also married so that's pushing her too

 

She also mentioned, she can compromise a lot and get settled with a person faster to get married faster, i dont understand when she likes me, at least to an extent that she is legally ready to tie knot with me in few weeks, why she does not behave nice with me and give me that confidence rather than starting it over with another person all over again...

 

I am too confused what to do

Thanks for telling me her age.

ok, so she's 31 and most likely a lot of her friends are married or getting there.

She's probably feeling the panic and thinking that she's running out of time is she wants to get married and start a family and have babies.

 

I think that's probably the driving force behind her craziness and rushing into all that. Plus, like most girls, I'm sure she gets some "I hope you get married soon and give me some grandkids" talk from her parents (most likely mom )

I'm not saying all of them apply pressure, but moms in general make these comments (even in a lighthearted way).

 

These are my guesses, and I think that's what's driving her urgent need to get married and stuff, HOWEVER, that does not excuse it. It doesn't excuse the way she's behaving at all, because, here's the funny thing - if this girl relaxed and showed you a happy year or so together without stress and drama, you might be the one thinking about marriage without her even having to bring it up. But she's making a huge issue of it, and busting out with ultimatums (sooooooooooo not the way to go about it).

 

 

Haha, thanks, I just call it like I see it

 

 

If she can control herself and not tell you that she's walking away whenever you disagree, then why can't she do it now?

What will change that will make her grow up and not tell you these things after marriage?

 

That is her personality. Acting like a childish spoiled kid is how she deals with things, so why would she stop it after you get married (especially if it was effective enough to make you marry her in the first place).

 

I wouldn't believe that promise AT ALL.

 

Tell her to start acting that way now (ie. like a mature adult that's willing to stop the tantrums and discuss anything that needs to be discussed). See how that goes...my guess is that she'll throw a tantrum at your suggestion.

 

 

 

Unless you're willing to be her pushover, there is no point in trying to convince her of anything.

I know you like her, but I really don't understand why you're trying so hard to keep someone like her in your life.

 

She's showing you that your concerns, your doubts, your needs, your timeline doesn't mean anything when compared to hers, that's not a person worth marrying. (not IMO anyways).

 

You know all this, so if you do marry her, don't be surprised and all sad that things didn't change because you'd only have yourself to blame for going through with it.

 

I honestly think you need to call her on her bluff.

When she tells you she's leaving, let her leave, and DON'T chase after her. If she really wants you, she might make adjustments and take your needs into consideration, if she doesn't she'll go out and try to find someone that will be dumb enough to want to marry her after a few months.

 

That's not you...I hope

[TigerCub]

Also to everyone responding to add to details, in case it matters

 

"I already proposed her sometime back and she said yes"

"Culture we both come from, usually we make decisions faster, so we already accepted we will get married some day, just not decided on wedding plans or other stuff".

 

From above two statements, i know most of people could side by her, or may be i am wrong. But its important that i share these two details with you.

I am not saying her "I dont want to marry you". But she wants it within few weeks" . That's what i can't accept right now.

 

Due to all the behaviour i saw in her, i want to take a step back and take time to think and resolve those issues rather than both having an unhappy life together. I am thinking more maturely and want to take time and make wise decision of actually legally tying a knot.

 

Now please advise, am i wrong or is she wrong. What should i do now?

 

I didn't know you already proposed to her!!

hmmm, that kinda changes things a bit, but not a whole lot.

 

She's still refusing to discuss things that matter before marriage and she's still acting childish.

 

I'm guessing that since you mentioned the culture and stuff, that both sides of the family are aware that you proposed and that she said yes - correct? Then I still don't see the huge rush.

 

you all seemed to agree to get married - why does it have to be in a matter of weeks?

 

The main thing I don't like about the situation with this girl is her "quick giver upper" attitude (ie. that she keeps threatening to leave at the drop of a hat) & that she doesn't want to discuss certain things with you. If you guys can't talk openly to each other, I just can't see a marriage, or even a normal dating relationship working out in the long run.

[TigerCub]

 

She also mentioned, she can compromise a lot and get settled with a person faster to get married faster,

I don't know what that means.

She's not showing you any compromise. I just don't get it.

 

This girl wants to get married for the sake of getting married, she's not getting married because she's so in love with you and the live you share together, because you two have a great time together and you make each other happy, she just wants to get married as a means of reaching a goal.

 

That also explains why she's so quick to say that she's walking away.

 

What about you?

What would you want to get married for?

To simply reach a goal of being married? or to share your life with someone that you love, and trust, someone that understands you and knows that compromise, loyalty, respect, love are a 2 way street?

 

If its simply to reach a goal - go ahead marry her.

 

If its for option #2, then I'm sorry to break it to you, but that's not the girl for you.

[rajcs25]

You are correct, parents know about it and all that has been discussed and you are absolutely right about her giver upper attitude, should that have not been the case and should she have shown enough maturity and ability to stand problems, i would have been more positive.

I didn't know you already proposed to her!!

hmmm, that kinda changes things a bit, but not a whole lot.

 

She's still refusing to discuss things that matter before marriage and she's still acting childish.

 

I'm guessing that since you mentioned the culture and stuff, that both sides of the family are aware that you proposed and that she said yes - correct? Then I still don't see the huge rush.

 

you all seemed to agree to get married - why does it have to be in a matter of weeks?

 

The main thing I don't like about the situation with this girl is her "quick giver upper" attitude (ie. that she keeps threatening to leave at the drop of a hat) & that she doesn't want to discuss certain things with you. If you guys can't talk openly to each other, I just can't see a marriage, or even a normal dating relationship working out in the long run.

[rajcs25]

TigerCub- Are you really a marriage cousellor or therapist? I have a strong feeling

 

She put Getting Married as 2010-2011 Goal in her personal Goals and she told me last year when we started talking that she want to get married this year...

I don't know what that means.

She's not showing you any compromise. I just don't get it.

 

This girl wants to get married for the sake of getting married, she's not getting married because she's so in love with you and the live you share together, because you two have a great time together and you make each other happy, she just wants to get married as a means of reaching a goal.

 

That also explains why she's so quick to say that she's walking away.

 

What about you?

What would you want to get married for?

To simply reach a goal of being married? or to share your life with someone that you love, and trust, someone that understands you and knows that compromise, loyalty, respect, love are a 2 way street?

 

If its simply to reach a goal - go ahead marry her.

 

If its for option #2, then I'm sorry to break it to you, but that's not the girl for you.