Having Cold Feet and Girlfriend has given Ultimatum for Marriage

[rajcs25]

on top of telling me i will not talk with you she also tells me "why did you waste me time, if you were not going to make up your mind like this"? Isnt it selfish? or am i thinking in a wrong way?

I don't know what that means.

She's not showing you any compromise. I just don't get it.

 

This girl wants to get married for the sake of getting married, she's not getting married because she's so in love with you and the live you share together, because you two have a great time together and you make each other happy, she just wants to get married as a means of reaching a goal.

 

That also explains why she's so quick to say that she's walking away.

 

What about you?

What would you want to get married for?

To simply reach a goal of being married? or to share your life with someone that you love, and trust, someone that understands you and knows that compromise, loyalty, respect, love are a 2 way street?

 

If its simply to reach a goal - go ahead marry her.

 

If its for option #2, then I'm sorry to break it to you, but that's not the girl for you.

[Ms. Joolie]

Due to all the behaviour i saw in her, i want to take a step back and take time to think and resolve those issues rather than both having an unhappy life together. I am thinking more maturely and want to take time and make wise decision of actually legally tying a knot.

 

Now please advise, am i wrong or is she wrong. What should i do now?

 

No one is wrong here, you just have to work out what you really want. If you need time to make a wise decision, tell her by when you will have that decision made. You can share with her what's holding you back even, and you can both discuss it. You can say something like, "I got that you want to get married this year. I want to get married, too. Let's talk about it."

 

If marriage was already on the table, and she now wants marriage, you are going to have to think quick and be confidant in what you want from here.

 

 

She is going to have to give you space now, though, and stop being so demanding. If you are really the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, she will work with you on this.

[rajcs25]

Thats why i am being too nice and giving her all benefits of doubts

 

But if either partner has a slighest doubt and concern that marriage will survive, i believe that other partner should give confidence rather than showing back and walking away from the deal. I have not doubted her character. If that be the case, of course anyone would walk away, even myself. Its a doubt on Longetivity of our relationship and daily happiness and ability to workout things. Do you think i have right to get a proper attention from her and time to resolve this in my mind to make up a decision?

 

No one is wrong here, you just have to work out what you really want. If you need time to make a wise decision, tell her by when you will have that decision made. You can share with her what's holding you back even, and you can both discuss it. You can say something like, "I got that you want to get married this year. I want to get married, too. Let's talk about it."

 

If marriage was already on the table, and she now wants marriage, you are going to have to think quick and be confidant in what you want from here.

 

 

She is going to have to give you space now, though, and stop being so demanding. If you are really the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with, she will work with you on this.

[TigerCub]

TigerCub- Are you really a marriage cousellor or therapist? I have a strong feeling

haha - hardly!

Considering my experiences, I should be the last person to give relationship advice.

 

But, when I was 23-24. I was in a relationship and I really wanted to get married, we loved each other (but we had problems), but I really wanted marriage, and when we broke up (for different reasons), and I had a chance to grow on my own and just grow up, I realized that I wanted marriage at that time just to reach some goal in my head.

 

I mean, how could I realistically want marriage when we already had some problems?

 

but those were things I realized as I matured and had various experiences.

 

Now, I know that I'd rather be happy with someone than "legally" married to them, its all about the experiences you share, not the piece of paper (but that's just me) - I know that not everyone feels that way, and I do understand that different cultures and religions put a different emphasis on marriage.

 

But you just need to be happy with that person you marry, otherwise what's the point? what kinda goal is it if its just leading to problems and dissatisfaction?

 

 

She put Getting Married as 2010-2011 Goal in her personal Goals and she told me last year when we started talking that she want to get married this year...

I think its fine to have some kinda goal like that, but she needs to be flexible on the date (give or take a few months), she needs to want marriage for the right reasons, want marriage with the right person, etc...

 

If she doesn't, well that's her choice. You still have one - and yours could be to just rid yourself of all this drama.

 

You never answered my question about what you want out of marriage?

[Ms. Joolie]

Thats why i am being too nice and giving her all benefits of doubts

 

But if either partner has a slighest doubt and concern that marriage will survive, i believe that other partner should give confidence rather than showing back and walking away from the deal. I have not doubted her character. If that be the case, of course anyone would walk away, even myself. Its a doubt on Longetivity of our relationship and daily happiness and ability to workout things. Do you think i have right to get a proper attention from her and time to resolve this in my mind to make up a decision?

 

 

Your biggest concerns then are the survival of the marriage, your daily happiness with each other and the ability to work things out. This is normal. This is a part of what everyone is concerned about with marriage. These concerns are real, but they are going to be present with anyone, not just in your marriage with her.

 

You have to make up your mind and choose if this is the woman you want to take that journey with. She's not going to give you confidence about this. YOU have to have confidence about this.

 

You have every right to get the proper attention from her and the time you need to resolve this for yourself. She is going to have to listen to you on this if you want to work it out.

 

The survival of your relationship now, your happiness now and your ability to work things out together now are what really matter here.

Edited January 10, 2011 by Ms. Joolie

[TigerCub]

on top of telling me i will not talk with you she also tells me "why did you waste me time, if you were not going to make up your mind like this"? Isnt it selfish? or am i thinking in a wrong way?

 

I think you need to sit her down and ask her to just listen, ask her not to interrupt or walk away or anything and just listen to what you have to say:

 

Then go on to tell her the truth about your feelings.

tell her that you're not comfortable committing to someone that refuses to discuss issues and understand you.

 

tell her that you wanted to marry her, but it doesn't have to be 3 weeks from now, but you also don't intend to drag it out to 2 years from now either.

 

tell her you didn't mean to waste her time, but that's how she feels, she's free to go. It would suck, but she needs to do what she needs to do, as do you.

[TigerCub]

forgot to add:

 

In your little speech with her, ask her what she wants out of marriage.

Ask her how she pictures married life to be, and see from her response if its just a "goal"

 

Ask her if it matters to her that she marry someone that she knows well, and loves, or if she just wants to get married for the sake of achieving a goal.

[rajcs25]

Here is what i want out of the marriage

 

1) Happy Family Life, where we both mutually respect each other, understand each other, progress together, live a joyous life with comforts, face challenges together, get respect from the society and respect the society, educate our kids and a prosperous life.

 

haha - hardly!

Considering my experiences, I should be the last person to give relationship advice.

 

But, when I was 23-24. I was in a relationship and I really wanted to get married, we loved each other (but we had problems), but I really wanted marriage, and when we broke up (for different reasons), and I had a chance to grow on my own and just grow up, I realized that I wanted marriage at that time just to reach some goal in my head.

 

I mean, how could I realistically want marriage when we already had some problems?

 

but those were things I realized as I matured and had various experiences.

 

Now, I know that I'd rather be happy with someone than "legally" married to them, its all about the experiences you share, not the piece of paper (but that's just me) - I know that not everyone feels that way, and I do understand that different cultures and religions put a different emphasis on marriage.

 

But you just need to be happy with that person you marry, otherwise what's the point? what kinda goal is it if its just leading to problems and dissatisfaction?

 

 

 

I think its fine to have some kinda goal like that, but she needs to be flexible on the date (give or take a few months), she needs to want marriage for the right reasons, want marriage with the right person, etc...

 

If she doesn't, well that's her choice. You still have one - and yours could be to just rid yourself of all this drama.

 

You never answered my question about what you want out of marriage?

[TigerCub]

Here is what i want out of the marriage

 

1) Happy Family Life, where we both mutually respect each other, understand each other, progress together, live a joyous life with comforts, face challenges together, get respect from the society and respect the society, educate our kids and a prosperous life.

 

Do you think that this girl will give you these things?

It doesn't seem like she's doing good at the stuff in bold already.

Maybe she could mature and become a little more flexible on them, but she's 31. She is who she is at this point, its not going to change much. But that's just how I see things....

[rajcs25]

She is good at times, but she is selfish

 

If she is under her parents' influence especially her mom, she will strongly get those feelings about being career oriented etc. etc. and she will try to go in her own direction. We love each other, but often we have unaddressed issues which we are not able to sort out, this does not mean we dont sort out all the issues, but we remain with some issues unsorted, i fear sometimes discussing openly with her as than she shows her tantrums, i dont know how can we live life like this

 

thats why i told her i need time to think, and she says she gave me enough time, but i am feeling miserable here as "what does she mean by enough time"? During this time, when i say something which i dont like, she always has tantrums and yes at 31, if she is not mature now, when will she be mature? i dont know what to do and what to think. may be someone can help me

Do you think that this girl will give you these things?

It doesn't seem like she's doing good at the stuff in bold already.

Maybe she could mature and become a little more flexible on them, but she's 31. She is who she is at this point, its not going to change much. But that's just how I see things....

[TigerCub]

rajcs,

 

You keep asking for the same thing on this thread.

You hope that someone will help you. I'm happy to give you my view on things, but there is really nothing else anyone can do for you. We're all telling you what we think.

 

You have doubts, you're being bullied into getting married before you're ready, your wife to be is immature and selfish, what more do you need?

 

What are you looking for here?

 

You love her, she loves you (that's fantastic), but a relationship can't survive on that alone (yes its very important), but if you're going into this feeling rushed and noticing that she's selfish, only resentment would grow out of that. Also, I'm guessing she wants kids sooner than later, that means, be prepared for her to be more moody (at least during pregnancy), be prepared to no longer have any disposable income, or much sex, and just have this demanding wife and great responsibilities that you really didn't want at this time in your life.

 

That's what you have.

 

You can either choose to go along with it all and sign up for a lifetime of that, or you could just put your foot down and demand more time (as long as the time frame is reasonable), or, finally, you can walk away and hope that the next girl is more suitable for you.

 

You know all this, I just think that you're afraid to choose and to do what's right for you.

 

I'm sure these types of decisions are very difficult, but doing it while 'the clock is ticking' is only making it worse.

 

I hope you choose wisely.