GreenPolicy Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I guess i'm just upset that she just moved forward with her life while I picked up the pieces. However, I realize that this happened because I am a healthy individual who is trying to become a better person every day on this earth and she just jumps from relationship to relationship, raising the stakes each time. That's how I feel. The unfairness of it all. My ex and I had made plans to marry. She made a lot of gestures with me she hadn't done with any guy she'd ever dated before. Then right as I began to move forward with plans to get formally engaged, she bolted. It's been almost 3 months, so I assume she is involved in a rebound thing at this point. Meanwhile, I have been in a world of pain trying to process my grief and get past this. My ex has intimacy/commitment issues, so she will try to bury all of the uncomfortable feelings and emotions of burning a guy that she still loves and has feelings for by drowning them in a rebound relationship most likely. I've said it here before but I remember walking down the block and running into her ex boyfriend. You could see that he looked upset and I got myself ready to maybe just say a brief hello and keep walking. Instead, she wanted me to hug her tighter right in front of him. One of the many warning signs that I ignored. My ex just turned 31, is very beautiful, single and never married when we met. I wondered how somebody this gorgeous had not been locked down yet. She told me she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. I naively took that to mean that she just hadn't met the right person yet, and lo and behold, I was shown the door two weeks shy of our first anniversary. Maybe i'll go back into therapy to get past this. I just really don't want to think about this anymore. She was a toxic person, it was a toxic situation and I dodged a bullet. i just have to make this my mantra and repeat it over and over again.... I am in therapy because I need to get past this. And like you, I don't want to think about her anymore. I have been told by all my family and friends that I dodged a bullet and am lucky. I guess the problem is that our hearts remember the good times and the good qualities of our exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Yeah, get some help if you're having trouble accepting the situation. The only thing you have to lose is however much it costs. I'm curious. Have you told how you feel about this to the girl you are with? Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Going to use this as a little bit of log. I woke up this morning after a long night out and stared at the celing for about 5 minutes, thinking about the news. My mind is starting to go around and around like a washing machine again. I guess i'm just upset that she just moved forward with her life while I picked up the pieces. However, I realize that this happened because I am a healthy individual who is trying to become a better person every day on this earth and she just jumps from relationship to relationship, raising the stakes each time. I've said it here before but I remember walking down the block and running into her ex boyfriend. You could see that he looked upset and I got myself ready to maybe just say a brief hello and keep walking. Instead, she wanted me to hug her tighter right in front of him. One of the many warning signs that I ignored. Maybe i'll go back into therapy to get past this. I just really don't want to think about this anymore. She was a toxic person, it was a toxic situation and I dodged a bullet. i just have to make this my mantra and repeat it over and over again.... Oh, Dusty It makes me very sad to hear you aren't doing well! I do agree with Duck, i'm wondering if you have talked to your current girlfriend about this? Also, I can't help but come back to the same question. Are you sure you are ready to be in a relationship with another person, when you still have unresolved emotions from a past relationship? It is ok to feel the way you are feeling Dusty. Especially after all that you have gone through, and learned. I do agree that therapy may be the best thing to help you sort through what you cannot sort through alone. If it is any consolation, she must be crazy for passing up a guy like you. You are a wonderful man capable of giving the world to anyone who is deserving. Fortunately (for you), she is not deserving of your emotions or time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DustySaltus Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Yeah, get some help if you're having trouble accepting the situation. The only thing you have to lose is however much it costs. I'm curious. Have you told how you feel about this to the girl you are with? No i haven't told her. She knows that I was engaged though. It would be pretty awkward to tell her, 'Hey, if i'm in a bad mood it's because I just found out my ex get married. Hope you understand..." I just left it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DustySaltus Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Oh, Dusty It makes me very sad to hear you aren't doing well! I do agree with Duck, i'm wondering if you have talked to your current girlfriend about this? Also, I can't help but come back to the same question. Are you sure you are ready to be in a relationship with another person, when you still have unresolved emotions from a past relationship? It is ok to feel the way you are feeling Dusty. Especially after all that you have gone through, and learned. I do agree that therapy may be the best thing to help you sort through what you cannot sort through alone. If it is any consolation, she must be crazy for passing up a guy like you. You are a wonderful man capable of giving the world to anyone who is deserving. Fortunately (for you), she is not deserving of your emotions or time. Thanks Erica I thought I was ready to be in a new relationship and I was doing all the right things. This situation just dug up a bunch of old feelings. I care about my current gf enough that I waited until I really thought I was ready. I'm in a tough spot, because I don't want to lose her or make her feel like she's inferior. It's an issue that I need to get out of alone. Am I being selfish here? I just can't believe it, less than a year and she's married wow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DustySaltus Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 My ex just turned 31, is very beautiful, single and never married when we met. I wondered how somebody this gorgeous had not been locked down yet. She told me she had only two previous relationships that lasted as long as a year. I naively took that to mean that she just hadn't met the right person yet, and lo and behold, I was shown the door two weeks shy of our first anniversary. It's amzaing how we get so blinded by the excitement that we forget all the warning signs. Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks Erica I thought I was ready to be in a new relationship and I was doing all the right things. This situation just dug up a bunch of old feelings. I care about my current gf enough that I waited until I really thought I was ready. I'm in a tough spot, because I don't want to lose her or make her feel like she's inferior. It's an issue that I need to get out of alone. Am I being selfish here? I just can't believe it, less than a year and she's married wow. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did the best you could, given the situation at hand. You actually learned from the experience with your ex, and when you thought you were ready, went into a new relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. I have been single for 10 months now, and although I am not ready to date quite yet, when I do... I will not regret it. Because I actually put effort into my healing, just as you did. So please, do not feel guilty about that. I don't think you are being selfish what so ever. Actually, I think what you are doing is very commendable (as i've previously said). You are acknowledging these feelings, as opposed to just deciding to live with them, even though you have this new girlfriend. I would, however, consider you selfish if these feelings continued, and you did not talk to your current girlfriend about them. She does have a right to know where your head is. At the very least, she has a right to know whether you are fully committed to your relationship, without harboring feelings for any past relationships. As far as your ex being married, is it really that much of a surprise? Not to sound harsh, but she didn't seem like the type of person to be very 'together' so to speak. I feel bad for her. She will never understand what it truly feels like to be happy. Happy alone, and with oneself. To be in a healthy, committed relationship. You, on the other hand, have that option. Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hey Dusty Hang in there,and please dont think that your ex has this happily ever after written all over it. People live by pattern she does to you she'll do to someone else. At least thats how i see with mine. He'll screw the girl over,not just screw her! Your best bet really is to talk to a good counselor,get into therapy,it doesnt hurt at all to do so,its something you are doing for yourself. We can get all the,youre better off,you've dogded a bullet,but our hearts,our inner being doesnt work that way. Theres a guy whom i do need to forget,whose so wrong for me just one word of my story people will roll their eyes and say oh forget him. It just doesn't work like that,maybe he can switch on and off like a lightbulb and go about his bussiness. doesnt matter whom he hurts and live happily ever after. Though I wouldnt know this at all,thank goodness,since it was a long ago LDR. I still have to work to forget him,people can come in and leave an imprint in your heart,even if they are heartless themselves. Good luck and work on you,i suggest going into counseling first before you tell your current girl how you feel. Talking to someone first is always helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DustySaltus Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 people can come in and leave an imprint in your heart,even if they are heartless themselves.[/QUOTE] Thanks Selena. This ^ really hits home for me. I'm working on processing everything and then i'll take the next step. Still hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
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