IT happened!!! Got the (dreaded) email after 2 months NC!

[mmiller5373]

Let me be honest about why I'm on the fence about what to do. I have been in her shoes. I have already learned the lesson she is about to learn. That the grass is NOT always greener. That sometimes when something seems TOO right, and you are not ready for the commitment, you will self-destruct the relationship as a way out of the pressure. I have done this, I have learned, and I have been changed ever since. It was one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned in my dating life, and I feel the same will happen to her. I have no desire for reconciliation now, and I WILL NOT wait for her. But if she learns, grows, and realizes her error in a year or 24 months down the road, and I happen to still be single, I would welcome a real apology and possible reconciliation. I know people who have done this and are now happily married with families. I think it's foolish to permanently close a door on a person you claimed to love unconditionally. If lessons are learned, and the stars align in the future, why not?

 

This I agree with. Years from now, I would accept an apology from my ex as well. But she would have to have grown, matured, and realized that she made a mistake. I wouldn't take anything other than her bothering the hell out of me in order to get back with her. It would have to be a differnet relationship... like starting over. Nobody's perfect, but you and I would both need the truth in order to trust again.

 

Still, man... I wouldn't send a thing back. At this point, she doesn't deserve your time. Let her realize (if she ever does) that she made the mistake. Not you. You want revenge? Even though you care, act like you don't. Move on. That'll get her.

[bl22]

Damn thats harsh. Kinda simarlar to what happened to me, I find out she was secretly telling him 'i really like you more than a friend but im with someone' then she'd come home to me and act like nothing was wrong. Hurts

 

 

Lets look at it this way though -

 

You reply:

 

It MAY spark an argument. She may reply with something very hurtful puasing your healing such as 'Well if you didnt do this n that then I wouldnt have gone off with someone else' ...I never got that with my ex but Im sure she could play that card...it could get very nasty and fast.

She may look at you being bitter, maybe even making things up. The new guy will deny sending an email to you and she may think you've been snooping on her. At best you will make her feel like **** but will that bring her back...not right now nope. If you are hoping for an apology, it will only be sincere if she gives you 1 without you calling her up on it. This way it would proove she has really bottled up the guilt for too long, and she really does MEAN it.

When you first called her up on the new guy, her reply was more a 'please dont remember me in a bad light! your amazing our relationship was amazing, if i keep being nice right now will you not think bad of me'

 

Its ALL about her. If you do it again she may think **** it, I cba being nice anymore, go **** yourself, I dont care what you think now.

 

 

You dont reply:

 

No more nastiness, you carry on with your healing, she dwells on her guilt, you appear strong and self respectful, she remembers you as a nice guy who considered her feelings and never forced guilt onto her. She will wonder always about you, she will become curious over time and will most likely feel moments of guilt with her new guy (i can only guess at this 1, I kinda hope its the case for me if ever she is reminded of me whilst with him, i imagine she'd go very quiet and he not understand why) She possibly contacts you asking why you are not replying, trying to get some attention.

 

 

Sup to you, at the end of the day its hard to take what shes done but it happens all the time ive learned.

[Movingthrough]

Damn thats harsh. Kinda simarlar to what happened to me, I find out she was secretly telling him 'i really like you more than a friend but im with someone' then she'd come home to me and act like nothing was wrong. Hurts

 

 

Lets look at it this way though -

 

You reply:

 

It MAY spark an argument. She may reply with something very hurtful puasing your healing such as 'Well if you didnt do this n that then I wouldnt have gone off with someone else' ...I never got that with my ex but Im sure she could play that card...it could get very nasty and fast.

She may look at you being bitter, maybe even making things up. The new guy will deny sending an email to you and she may think you've been snooping on her. At best you will make her feel like **** but will that bring her back...not right now nope. If you are hoping for an apology, it will only be sincere if she gives you 1 without you calling her up on it. This way it would proove she has really bottled up the guilt for too long, and she really does MEAN it.

When you first called her up on the new guy, her reply was more a 'please dont remember me in a bad light! your amazing our relationship was amazing, if i keep being nice right now will you not think bad of me'

 

Its ALL about her. If you do it again she may think **** it, I cba being nice anymore, go **** yourself, I dont care what you think now.

 

 

You dont reply:

 

No more nastiness, you carry on with your healing, she dwells on her guilt, you appear strong and self respectful, she remembers you as a nice guy who considered her feelings and never forced guilt onto her. She will wonder always about you, she will become curious over time and will most likely feel moments of guilt with her new guy (i can only guess at this 1, I kinda hope its the case for me if ever she is reminded of me whilst with him, i imagine she'd go very quiet and he not understand why) She possibly contacts you asking why you are not replying, trying to get some attention.

 

 

Sup to you, at the end of the day its hard to take what shes done but it happens all the time ive learned.

 

Good advice, the reality is, it will probably start a little back and forth thing which you dont want. I understand wanting to call her out though.

 

I just read your earlier posts and it really amazes me. I had almost the same thing happen. I hate to talk trash about females, but i have read on here a hundred times about them pushing it to something serious and then pulling out. They have no idea how much that jacks us up, it is not easy for a guy to open that door with feelings for them just to close it.

 

Sometimes i feel this is all a lot easier then we make it out to be, and i have posted this many of times. Someone else comes along, they have something attractive about them, and the other person says well let me try this out, even though what they have now is good. The only thing i can come up with when it comes to females is they have some sort of issue with you at some point but push things in hopes the problem will go away, then last minute they get cold feet and pull out. No lie every guy i know who has been a dumpee had the same situation as you and me.

 

I know how you feel, and everyday i wake up (im about a month NC) i feel like im talking to her in my head saying how could you say what you say then break it off? I hate that it sounds so common, and im not being a woman hater but im a guy so i only see this side.

 

Its really interesting to me though how it seems like NC 90% of the time ends in the dumpee contacting back, its almost a gimmie.

 

If i was you i would not respond, only because you are in a AWESOME position now, if you dont respond you can be sure you will hear from her again and at that point maybe she would have matured. You have been professional and mature during the whole thing, didnt make all the mistakes most of us did.....dont start now.

[Graceful]

You know Sudden, from the time I read your post, and all the responses in your thread, I did a complete 180 on the advice I decided to give you.

 

Know why?

 

The email your ex sent was the most self-centered, ridiculous, lame, half-azzed piece of text I have seen in a long time. All she did was make it abundantly clear that she wants to be absolved of her feeling that you don't think well of her and that you don't look back on your relationship with fondness. She's all tied up in knots that she made herself look bad. It's not guilt. She is not worried how you feel. Her only concern is making herself look good. So to that I say, tough luck, sister.

 

Now for you.

 

Your goal in all this is to give yourself PEACE OF MIND. That to me, is your ultimate goal. You want to feel better about everything, and I don't blame you.

So how do you accomplish this goal?

 

Silence. Maintain radio silence and you will be golden. Trust me on this, if you were to send her a message, the second you hit the <send> key, you would kick yourself, and you would not be able to take it back. Just knowing how I would kick myself (and I know I would) would make the decision to be silent an easy one.

 

If you really want to keep the door open a crack, and that's certainly up to you, then this would also be the way to do it. I'm not sure I understand that part, but you get two for the price of one when you keep your silence!

 

And finally, in keeping your silence, you don't even have to think about forgiveness right now, as you are probably not ready. You shouldn't force yourself to make a gesture that looks or feels in any way as though you are forgiving her, so why do it?

 

Silence. It's a beautiful thing.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Graceful

[SeriousBob12]

I'm gonna agree with the rest, especially after reading the story.

 

She really could have said so much more, and a true admission of wrong is NOT coming up with excuses to your actions.

 

We have al messed up in the past, but I have found the most sincere way to forgiveness is ADMITTING YOU WERE WRONG FOR WHAT YOU DID, AND JUST THAT!

 

Not "...but it was because of this, because of that, and this, but you're great!"

 

As others have said, you're in a good spot, but this shouldn't be a game. This girl doesn't deserve a response. I didn't really get that she feels bad for her mistake, just wants to paint the dark picture that surrounds her with butterflies and roses. Most people are under the impression that if you schmooze and compliment those that you've done wrong, it makes everything okay. Notice how she constantly said how great the memories she had with you were?

 

Stick to NC and quite frankly stick not thinking about this girl at all. You've handled this well. She's a grown girl, and has to deal/live with her regret/mistakes.

[suddendumpee]

If i was you i would not respond, only because you are in a AWESOME position now

 

Just curious. People keep saying this. What makes this position so awesome? I do feel like I'm regaining some power, but at the same time, her contacts have been a setback for me.

[SeriousBob12]

That's a given mate. THey also know this when they contact you.

 

It's obvious she wants her guilt eased...Let her come to terms with her guilt on her own. With all that you've told us, there is no reason why YOU should give her the easy road.

 

The power lies in that you have the control to do this or not.

[D78]

I agree with WTRanger. She's trying to validate her decision and she still couldn't face it honestly. Actually when I read the following part, I was kind of angry, because she's blaming you, insinuating that you were being inconsiderate in the relationship. This is evil.

 

I thought the same thing.

[Graceful]

If i was you i would not respond, only because you are in a AWESOME position now

Just curious. People keep saying this. What makes this position so awesome? I do feel like I'm regaining some power, but at the same time, her contacts have been a setback for me.

I would respectfully say this another way. Saying you're in an awesome position is inferred, but my response and many others put it another way.

 

We're all telling you to take advantage of the situation.

 

I prefer to say the ball is in your court now. If you respond, the ball is in her court. So in essence, hold onto the ball.

 

You'll maintain NC, and you (hopefully) put this to rest. That's the way to feel at peace. No response will give you peace, and that should be your goal.

 

Bottom line: she does not get to use you to feel better about herself. You've had to work hard to recover on your own. She has to do the same, on her own, with no help from you.

[mmiller5373]

Bottom line: she does not get to use you to feel better about herself. You've had to work hard to recover on your own. She has to do the same, on her own, with no help from you.

 

This is exactly what all of us are talking about. She moved on to another guy without you, so you can move on without her. Choose staying NC and it could make her feel even more guilty that you didn't respond. She'll have to deal with it on her own.

[Movingthrough]

Just curious. People keep saying this. What makes this position so awesome? I do feel like I'm regaining some power, but at the same time, her contacts have been a setback for me.

 

Basically, that message was her saying i feel bad. Well, you have felt hurt too so no point in responding. All i keep thinking about is how if you respond being the adult and mature, she is going to read it and think phewww i feel so much better. Ahh, she doesnt deserve that, let her deal with her guilt while you move on.

[Ajax]

I would respectfully say this another way. Saying you're in an awesome position is inferred, but my response and many others put it another way.

 

We're all telling you to take advantage of the situation.

 

I prefer to say the ball is in your court now. If you respond, the ball is in her court. So in essence, hold onto the ball.

 

You'll maintain NC, and you (hopefully) put this to rest. That's the way to feel at peace. No response will give you peace, and that should be your goal.

 

Bottom line: she does not get to use you to feel better about herself. You've had to work hard to recover on your own. She has to do the same, on her own, with no help from you.

 

Graceful has a point, but allow me to take that a step further. Yes the ball is in your court, and you hold the power. What if you sent the ball back to her court with the implication that you don't even want her to send it back to yours. I'll probably be ripped apart for this, but maybe even turning the tables on her and telling her that she needs to get over it and move on with her life would be just condecending enough to lay things to rest.

[SeriousBob12]

Graceful has a point, but allow me to take that a step further. Yes the ball is in your court, and you hold the power. What if you sent the ball back to her court with the implication that you don't even want her to send it back to yours. I'll probably be ripped apart for this, but maybe even turning the tables on her and telling her that she needs to get over it and move on with her life would be just condecending enough to lay things to rest.

 

The thing is, in the long run she doesn't care about the whole situation much at all.

 

I can tell you from experience - and I'm sure others can agree - once she gets her guilt relief she'll vanish just like that. It's not like she's going to have some sudden profound moment, and make a conscious effort to be apart of his life.

The same way he chooses not to respond, and run away with the ball, trust me she'll do the exact same thing if he returns it to her court.

 

Furthermore she's going to run away with the ball, feeling that ease of her guilt and that everything is okay. Clearly our OP has suffered, and something tells me that if he resonds he's still going to have invested feelings in the situation. It seems like she has moved on and just feels bad. Let her deal with her errors on her own. Giving her the easy road and letting her run away on it, will not justify the pain and hurt our OP has gone through.

 

Just my two cents.

[suddendumpee]

How about just:

 

"Thanks babe. I was having a bad day and needed that laugh. You've always been there for me at the right times Kisses."

 

Haha. Kidding of course....maybe

[NeNinja]

How about just:

 

"Thanks babe. I was having a bad day and needed that laugh. You've always been there for me at the right times Kisses."

 

Haha. Kidding of course....maybe

 

That would be hilarious and it would definitely invite more contact from her, but probably not in a good way.

 

Here are my two cents:

 

When you two broke up you went about things the 'right' way. You made moves to resolve your feelings and come to terms with things.

 

She went about things the 'wrong' way. She suppressed her feelings about the breakup. She pushed them down instead of dealing with them. She rushed into something else that probably wasn't everything she had hoped and dreamed...

 

Now you're both reaping what you've sown.

 

You've started to move on and accept things. You've invested time in moving on an improving yourself. You're feeling pretty good. You've crossed the starting line and are well on your way to the finish.

 

She is where you were when this whole thing started. She may be in even worse shape knowing that you have begun moving on in a healthy way while she is just now settling into the starting blocks.

 

Misery loves company and she woud love to have you join her back at the starting line. She wants you to justify her actions and help her feel better about what she did. This will move her two steps forward and you a step back. Don't make that sacrifice. If you do decide to contact her make sure you let her know how well you are doing.

[usagi]

OP - My ex who broke up with me in a similar way to yours did with you; i.e. other man "just after" we broke up etc, etc... I went no contact. 4 years. After the 4 years we met on a job together and had to talk. We are now friends again even though she is with the guy she left me for....however....on a drunken night out together (3 years ago, we've been friends again for 3 years) she admitted to me that she had spent every day thinking of me and regretting the way she treated me over those 4 years of NC.

 

Like I say we are friends again now and I am broken hearted over someone else. She is insecure in her relationship. Just saying.

[mmiller5373]

OP - My ex who broke up with me in a similar way to yours did with you; i.e. other man "just after" we broke up etc, etc... I went no contact. 4 years. After the 4 years we met on a job together and had to talk. We are now friends again even though she is with the guy she left me for....however....on a drunken night out together (3 years ago, we've been friends again for 3 years) she admitted to me that she had spent every day thinking of me and regretting the way she treated me over those 4 years of NC.

 

Like I say we are friends again now and I am broken hearted over someone else. She is insecure in her relationship. Just saying.

 

So she's been with that guy for 7 years? Jeez. If she was thinking about you everyday for 4 years, why didn't she contact you? Why'd she stay with him?

[usagi]

So she's been with that guy for 7 years? Jeez. If she was thinking about you everyday for 4 years, why didn't she contact you? Why'd she stay with him?

 

Well we were engaged, owned a house together etc... The break up caused massive repercussions in her life, friends, family, especially as she left for someone else. That and when I go NC I'm like a stealth ninja:cool:

 

That same drunken night she did proposition me but I declined. I've never really seen myself as 'the other man' for a relationship or a one nighter. Like I say she's insecure...and I'm guessing still with him because she wants kids and she feels time has kind of run out to start a new relationship all over again.

 

It could be these or a thousand other reasons, I don't pretend to know or care as I made my peace with that relationship break up years ago...it's the current one that brought me to these boards.

[Banker Chick]

Graceful has a point, but allow me to take that a step further. Yes the ball is in your court, and you hold the power. What if you sent the ball back to her court with the implication that you don't even want her to send it back to yours. I'll probably be ripped apart for this, but maybe even turning the tables on her and telling her that she needs to get over it and move on with her life would be just condecending enough to lay things to rest.

I agree with this. I think a response insinuating that you appreciate her response but unfortunately you were provided with information that makes what she's said untrue (withouth expounding on this information) and that it's best to just both let it go at this point and move on and you wish her the best of luck.

 

This allows you to call bull**** on her email but at the same time giving her the impression that it no longer really bothers you (since you didn't go into excrucating detail about what you know). I imagine it'll bother her and she'll want to continue the dialogue to find out what you know but at that point your silence will be understandable to her (while driving her crazy).

 

Yes, you could go complete no contact now but you were the one that initiated the conversation and placed all this importance on respecting a friendship and doing the right thing.

[suddendumpee]

I agree with this. I think a response insinuating that you appreciate her response but unfortunately you were provided with information that makes what she's said untrue (withouth expounding on this information) and that it's best to just both let it go at this point and move on and you wish her the best of luck.

 

This allows you to call bull**** on her email but at the same time giving her the impression that it no longer really bothers you (since you didn't go into excrucating detail about what you know). I imagine it'll bother her and she'll want to continue the dialogue to find out what you know but at that point your silence will be understandable to her (while driving her crazy).

 

Yes, you could go complete no contact now but you were the one that initiated the conversation and placed all this importance on respecting a friendship and doing the right thing.

 

 

This is what I was originally thinking as well, but I'm not sure it's the right move. I feel like any response gives her a bit of closure. If I respond positively, with forgiveness and understanding, I am releasing her guilt and making her feel better about the situation.

 

If I respond like you recommended above, then she gets the closure knowing that I read the message, and that I have made up my mind about closing the door on her because I think she is lying.

 

Bottom line is that I DO NOT KNOW FOR A FACT that she had a physical relationship with this guy before we ended. I do know that she minimized her interaction with him to me, and was vague about who she was spending time with. This obviously wreaks of guilt, but she also could have just been feeling out the situation. My VERY EDUCATED guess, as probable as it may be, is still just that.

 

We know that people have a hard time admitting in such a thing as "emotional" cheating. If she did not get physical, then I'm sure she has justified to herself that she did nothing wrong. I think an e-mail to the contrary may only irritate her and piss her off if she is justifying her actions this way. Where no response still keeps her in limbo as to what I am thinking about her.

 

Thoughts?

[GreenPolicy]

NC. Responding gets you tempted to engage in a tit for tat exchange. Also you are obviously still obsessing over this to a certain degree. Leave it be and let her stew in this.

[Movingthrough]

Listen suddendumpee, i kind of consider us friends now since we always comment on the same **** lol. Dont respond. Like i said on my other post, if you respond you are releasing her from that guilt and she can say ahhhh he is good now. Someone else posted that the minute you relieve them of the guilt they will disappear. Dont be in that position, let her feel it.

 

If she was thinking about you everyday for 4 years, why didn't she contact you?

 

I would love for a female to chime in on this, i have heard so many woman say things like they always think about this or that person but they never make an effort to tell the other person. My ex before i went NC was willing to meet up with me and hang out (she was with another guy). I told her that i didnt think it was a good idea and that i thought her mind was already made up that she didnt want me in her life or future (i didnt say it exactly like that but thats what i was hinting). She cut me off and paused, it was really hard for her to say and she even sounded half choked up, she told me she thinks of me everyday and im always on her mind, that it was just something that was always there and its like a physical pain that wont go away.

 

Now, i know people reading this are like yeahhh give me a break, screw her. But i know her and i know it wasnt BS, it was hard for her to say. But i have always wondered how a girl can say that yet do nothing about it. This is my million dollar question...

[0hpenelope]

I would love for a female to chime in on this, i have heard so many woman say things like they always think about this or that person but they never make an effort to tell the other person.

 

To be fair, it goes both ways, too. I've heard from guy friends who regret treating their ex in this way and that and when I ask them if they've reached out to that ex, they usually respond with "No... I don't think she (or he) wants to hear from me." Not very many people like my blunt side, but when it comes out it's not tactless and it only speaks the truth. So I don't "baby" my guy friends. I tell them "Yeah, you're most likely right. I just wanted you to admit that outloud to yourself."

 

I told her that i didnt think it was a good idea and that i thought her mind was already made up that she didnt want me in her life or future (i didnt say it exactly like that but thats what i was hinting). She cut me off and paused, it was really hard for her to say and she even sounded half choked up, she told me she thinks of me everyday and im always on her mind, that it was just something that was always there and its like a physical pain that wont go away.

 

Now, i know people reading this are like yeahhh give me a break, screw her. But i know her and i know it wasnt BS, it was hard for her to say. But i have always wondered how a girl can say that yet do nothing about it. This is my million dollar question...

 

I think the million dollar question is how people, men or women, can say that they've been thinking of a particular person and not do anything about it? I think if we strip it down to the basics, it really has to do with feeling too embarrassed, too ashamed, and/or too prideful to get in touch with the hurt individual, especially the dumpers. I've heard of some wanting a second chance with an ex, even though they told the ex that they don't have feelings anymore, can't see a future with them, etc.; but the dumpers don't act on it because they feel too ashamed or not confident that they can come back when they were the ones who left. I feel bad for them, too.

[Movingthrough]

To be fair, it goes both ways, too. I've heard from guy friends who regret treating their ex in this way and that and when I ask them if they've reached out to that ex, they usually respond with "No... I don't think she (or he) wants to hear from me." Not very many people like my blunt side, but when it comes out it's not tactless and it only speaks the truth. So I don't "baby" my guy friends. I tell them "Yeah, you're most likely right. I just wanted you to admit that outloud to yourself."

 

 

 

I think the million dollar question is how people, men or women, can say that they've been thinking of a particular person and not do anything about it? I think if we strip it down to the basics, it really has to do with feeling too embarrassed, too ashamed, and/or too prideful to get in touch with the hurt individual, especially the dumpers. I've heard of some wanting a second chance with an ex, even though they told the ex that they don't have feelings anymore, can't see a future with them, etc.; but the dumpers don't act on it because they feel too ashamed or not confident that they can come back when they were the ones who left. I feel bad for them, too.

 

Yeah i didnt mean to base it all off of woman, but im a guy so thats all i deal with lol, i do think it can go both ways.

 

Thats a really good point with the whole embarrassment thing. Sometimes i want to break NC just to say "look it is what it is, hope all is well with you." Bury the hatchet so i dont keep thinking about it. Problem is, if any feelings are still there it can re-erupt and i dont want round three of this crap.

 

PM sent to suddendumpee

[Ajax]

 

I would love for a female to chime in on this, i have heard so many woman say things like they always think about this or that person but they never make an effort to tell the other person. My ex before i went NC was willing to meet up with me and hang out (she was with another guy). I told her that i didnt think it was a good idea and that i thought her mind was already made up that she didnt want me in her life or future (i didnt say it exactly like that but thats what i was hinting). She cut me off and paused, it was really hard for her to say and she even sounded half choked up, she told me she thinks of me everyday and im always on her mind, that it was just something that was always there and its like a physical pain that wont go away.

 

Now, i know people reading this are like yeahhh give me a break, screw her. But i know her and i know it wasnt BS, it was hard for her to say. But i have always wondered how a girl can say that yet do nothing about it. This is my million dollar question...

 

So what happened, did you two meet up?

 

I've known so many girls (and I'm sure there are guys out there too that do this) that leave someone they really care about, then get with another guy who they don't really care about, but stay with them to save face. They refuse to admit to themselves, former lover, and family that they made the wrong choice. So they would rather remain miserable than admit they were wrong.