My Boyfriend is buying a place...without me.

[Analeigh]

So, I have a situation that I would really like some input on from you LSers. My boyfriend is currently looking at buying a condo/apartment here in our city. He just decided to do this after his last lease ran out in November and he decided that he was tired of paying rent. The search has gone quickly and he has already narrowed it down to three places. All are high-rise units in the range of $100-115k. He has not asked me to come look at any places with him, he has just used a realtor and taken his parents.

 

At the beginning I gave him input and even found quite a few places I thought were good deals, but when he got a realtor he jumped from the 60k price range to the 100k price range. I stopped and let him know gently that I thought he was going to be paying too much in this market and I haven't actively helped him since.

 

Some background: he is 27, I am approaching 26. We have only been together for about 6 months. He hasn't dated seriously in a while, I was on the verge of an engagement this time last year (completely over and feel good about the end of that one). I own a small house a little outside of the city and he has been staying with me about 3-4 nights a week since his lease ended, he did not move in with me though. We both travel for work 1-3 days a week.

 

Probably my biggest concern in this is the housing market. There is almost 0 market for condos, especially high-rise ones and analysts predict the market for them won't return for at least 10 years. So basically, once you buy it you are pretty much stuck with it for a long time. He does not want a house at all, only a condo with little/no upkeep.

 

What does this whole situation say? I am very concerned with WHY he wants to buy a place at this time! We are getting more and more serious. We travel together. We have talked about the fact that we both want marriage and kids in the future, we have not talked about "us" getting married or having kids. But still! I own a place already. If he gets stuck with this place it will be very hard for both of us to unload them if we end up getting married in 2-3 years. And I will NOT want to get married and give up my house to live in an apartment!

 

I hate to just give up on the relationship because of this. There are no other red flags anywhere. He treats me very well, I do the same and I make a conscious effort to be my best around him. His family adores me and we have traveled together and have several upcoming trips. At the same time, this really worries me. I am not the type to sit around and wait 3-5 years for someone I love to want to marry me. As amazing as he is, if he buys a place and we continue status quo for many years I will want out.

 

Thanks for letting me get this all out, this has been weighing on me for six weeks or so. Any input as to how I should take this, and where I should go from here?

[sally4sara]

Its been 6 months. They guy is perfectly within his right to invest in any property he decides is worth the investment whether he is single or not.

You have your home that matches your living arrangement tastes. His taste is different than your taste.

 

A condo can be rented out. So can a house.

 

Relax. Live. Enjoy life. You have no idea of where life will take either of you this early into the relationship; not even if you're going to be in the house you're currently living in. If the relationship lasts and turns more serious, you two will be able to sort this out or find you're not compatible enough to move in together/get married.

[zengirl]

It's 6 months in, and, really, you can rent it out or something can be done. I don't think you have a right to worry about the other person's investments that early.

[KraftDinner]

You have only been together 6 months... he can do what he wants, I think. Hey, maybe it even bugs him that you own property and he doesn't. But irrespective of the reasons, you two haven't been together long enough to buy property together (that is my opinion only, of course) so he should buy if he wants.

[Confusedalways]

OP, I totally see your point-- it sounds like you're not really concerned that he's buying a place without you, but moreso the why and what's going to happen to his property if the 2 of you get married.

 

Honestly, it seems to me that men are more like:

1. need a condo

2. want a condo

3. getting a condo.

 

I don't really think he is thinking anything about the implications. It sounds to me like you're an over analyzer, and are trying to find some concrete reason as to why he would make this less than stellar [in your opinion] purchase. From one over analyzer to another, this really doesn't sound like anything to get upset about. It is clearly his decision, and as others have pointed out, if/when you get more serious, you will be able to do something with it.

 

Try not to worry-- all you can do is offer advice. Maybe it would make you feel better if he took you to see them? That would honestly bug me more than the actual purchase of the condo would, I would want to go along and see. Then maybe you will have a better understanding of his need/want of a condo

[catgotyourtongue]

OP

I think it is just too soon to have the expectation he will be considering you in the process. You are both young and have only been dating 6 months. That's not a long time, and men often don't think as far down the road as women do. He does a right to want to buy and to buy property. If you had been together longer, and talked about being serious, being together for long haul, I think it would be more of an issue.

 

I understand your concerns and fears, but men don't think the women do, just don't. Also, I hate to point this, really do, but perhaps he is not as serious as you are, or thinking that far ahead. Is he staying with you for convenience, or love? I am sure he cares for you, but I just think you are making perhaps too many assumptions about where he is or should be at this stage with you. I have had sinus infections that lasted 6 months. lol. 6 months is just not enough time to expect he will consider an entire future with you.

[Analeigh]

OP, I totally see your point-- it sounds like you're not really concerned that he's buying a place without you, but moreso the why and what's going to happen to his property if the 2 of you get married.

 

I don't really think he is thinking anything about the implications. It sounds to me like you're an over analyzer, and are trying to find some concrete reason as to why he would make this less than stellar [in your opinion] purchase. From one over analyzer to another, this really doesn't sound like anything to get upset about. It is clearly his decision, and as others have pointed out, if/when you get more serious, you will be able to do something with it.

 

Thank you for this. I feel jumped all over, maybe it was how I came off in my OP. I am a fairly regular poster but decided to change my username for privacy, and I haven't been jumped like this on LS before. I think you are right and I am over analyzing. I come from a financial background so I tend to look at $$ very strongly.

 

And it is exactly that! I should have clarified that I don't want to buy it with him! It is more that is is buying it without any input or consideration of me at all. I know that I don't have a "right" to say what he does with his money or how he invests it. I'm not trying to control him or dissuade him from buying something. I do want to know if I am out of line for thinking this kind of thing, if this is a sign that maybe something is wrong in the background that I can't see.

[Analeigh]

I understand your concerns and fears, but men don't think the women do, just don't. Also, I hate to point this, really do, but perhaps he is not as serious as you are, or thinking that far ahead. Is he staying with you for convenience, or love? I am sure he cares for you, but I just think you are making perhaps too many assumptions about where he is or should be at this stage with you. I have had sinus infections that lasted 6 months. lol. 6 months is just not enough time to expect he will consider an entire future with you.

 

I do appreciate you pointing that out. I think that is a big fear of mine, that this indicates his big actions aren't necessarily following his words and day-to-day actions. Men do think very differently then we do and that's why I wanted some outside perspective on this since I can't seem to be too objective.

 

He doesn't stay with me for convenience. He splits his non-travel days between my house and a friend's until he gets this sorted out. His friend lives a lot closer to his work than I do, and so do his parents, who he could also stay with. We work different hours and even days this spring, but he goes out of his way to see me as much as possible. He does have a key to my place and knows he can use it if I'm not here, but he never does. It's almost exactly like it was before he moved.

[Confusedalways]

Thank you for this. I feel jumped all over, maybe it was how I came off in my OP. I am a fairly regular poster but decided to change my username for privacy, and I haven't been jumped like this on LS before. I think you are right and I am over analyzing. I come from a financial background so I tend to look at $$ very strongly.

 

And it is exactly that! I should have clarified that I don't want to buy it with him! It is more that is is buying it without any input or consideration of me at all. I know that I don't have a "right" to say what he does with his money or how he invests it. I'm not trying to control him or dissuade him from buying something. I do want to know if I am out of line for thinking this kind of thing, if this is a sign that maybe something is wrong in the background that I can't see.

 

I don't think you're wrong at all-- if my boyfriend wanted to buy a condo I definitely would want to give my input, even if I didn't think buying it was the most sound decision . But you said yourself- there aren't any other red flags. I think although it kind of sucks that you don't want him to have it, you're within your boundaries to be miffed that he hasn't taken you along with him.

 

I don't think it makes any implications- good or bad-- about your relationship or future of the relationship.

[KraftDinner]

I apologize if it seemed like I jumped on you as I definitely didn't mean to sound that way.

 

As for the investment aspect, I too come from a financial background so I know what you mean. I guess it's not so bad as it's not like he's gambling money away at the track or whatever but it's still worth looking at. But real estate can be a big mistake too, a money pit, so maybe that's what you are worried about.

 

I think I'd be sort of concerned that the realtor managed to bump his range up from $60K to $100K, but at the same time, this is still a very reasonable amount for property (of course, I don't know where you live so maybe I'm wrong... but where I live $60K won't even buy a trailer in a trailer park).

 

I understand your concern on the financial end, but maybe since the market is low it's a good time to buy, and then keep the property as a long-term investment.

[Analeigh]

I just think that he could make a little bit better decisions price-wise and timing wise. There are a lot of apartments to be found in our city for around 50-75k, which percentage wise is considerably less than 100. He has said before that he wants kids within 10 years, and I'm sure that wouldn't be ideal in the long run.

 

It's not that I don't want him to have it, or to have his own place. I just kind of wish he would rent for another six months or so. Not only would he have more time to look and not make a rush decision, but we'd know better at that point where we were headed. I know, I am being selfish.

[creighton0123]

I would say this:

 

Depending on the size of his downpayment and income, the 90-110k range for an apartment is very conservative. If he's making between the 60k-80k range for income and has no car payment, it is very conservative.

 

Consider it an asset. If he chooses wisely, upgrades the place appropriately ensuring only the inclusion of upgrades that will net gain on equity, the possession of a property or two in and surrounding an urban area can become a great source of income.

 

He was planning on buying this home. If he makes a good income, he's not overreaching, and it will become a solid source of rental income/equity in the future.

 

Think about it. If he closes on a place in the beginning of '10, he'll have at least 30% of it paid off by this time next year if taking into account a 20% down payment, 110k purchase price, and 1100/month mortgage payment. If he pays it off liberally, he'll have it bought in 3 to 4 years and you'll have a property just... sitting there... where you have to pay a small amount in property insurance, property tax, condo fees that you can rent out for an amount much higher than you pay for upkeep.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Analeigh,

 

It does concern me that he seems to have shut you out of his decision-making, at least from the way you have described it. This, to me, is a large red wavy flag: it seems to indicate someone who either (a) does not see you in his future, (b) does not respect your opinion, and/or © has decided to ignore your opinions (were you at any point offering unsolicited advice? if so, did he perceive you as trying to control his decision-making and therefore shut you out? If so, see (a) or (b) above).

 

Honestly, I would be less concerned with whether he's making a good financial decision right now, and more concerned about whether and how he is communicating about it with you. How someone communicates about the important stuff is an incredibly important characteristic to pay attention to...

 

Good luck!

[catgotyourtongue]

Sorry you feel jumped on, in these replies, and I think it might be in how you phrased your question. But after reading your reply to another poster, I can totally understand your "financial" fears behind this if you are one of those people who really makes solid financial decisions, I get that. I tend to get all freaky around that topic too, since I am really careful about money. Even if it's not your problem or responsibility (his buying a condo) it sure could impact you later if you wind up together, I get that. I still think it's just too early to get into his head about it. Even though you spend a lot of time together, I have seen a lot of men seem head over heels, and all into something, only to walk away or have it be way more casual in their minds. I hate that crap. Women do it too.

 

You do spend a lot of time together, which seems serious in nature, but without having been together longer, or having actual discussions about you two being together on a more permanent basis, I guess it's just hard to get that far ahead....and know one way or others. Granted there might be mixed messages too, as often happens. Him having a key and you all partially living together, at least temporarily is a big thing, for some, and not for others. FOR me that would be huge, since I don't move too fast nor give me key or heart out too soon, it takes a lot. So perhaps you just need to have a larger conversation about future or possible future and expectations. Never easy.

 

I empathize with your feelings, and hope it turns out okay.

((hugs))

 

 

 

 

I do appreciate you pointing that out. I think that is a big fear of mine, that this indicates his big actions aren't necessarily following his words and day-to-day actions. Men do think very differently then we do and that's why I wanted some outside perspective on this since I can't seem to be too objective.

 

He doesn't stay with me for convenience. He splits his non-travel days between my house and a friend's until he gets this sorted out. His friend lives a lot closer to his work than I do, and so do his parents, who he could also stay with. We work different hours and even days this spring, but he goes out of his way to see me as much as possible. He does have a key to my place and knows he can use it if I'm not here, but he never does. It's almost exactly like it was before he moved.

[creighton0123]

Hi Analeigh,

 

It does concern me that he seems to have shut you out of his decision-making, at least from the way you have described it. This, to me, is a large red wavy flag: it seems to indicate someone who either (a) does not see you in his future, (b) does not respect your opinion, and/or © has decided to ignore your opinions (were you at any point offering unsolicited advice? if so, did he perceive you as trying to control his decision-making and therefore shut you out? If so, see (a) or (b) above).

 

He could simply know exactly what he wants, for what price, and in what area. He may bring his parents along who are helping with the down payment or cosigning.

[donnamaybe]

OP, it seems like he hasn't involved you in this at all, considering he hasn't even taking you to look at the place and get your opinion. Is that what's the most troubling? That aspect of it would bother me.

[catgotyourtongue]

good points

 

Hi Analeigh,

 

It does concern me that he seems to have shut you out of his decision-making, at least from the way you have described it. This, to me, is a large red wavy flag: it seems to indicate someone who either (a) does not see you in his future, (b) does not respect your opinion, and/or © has decided to ignore your opinions (were you at any point offering unsolicited advice? if so, did he perceive you as trying to control his decision-making and therefore shut you out? If so, see (a) or (b) above).

 

Honestly, I would be less concerned with whether he's making a good financial decision right now, and more concerned about whether and how he is communicating about it with you. How someone communicates about the important stuff is an incredibly important characteristic to pay attention to...

 

Good luck!

[Analeigh]

I would say this:

 

Depending on the size of his downpayment and income, the 90-110k range for an apartment is very conservative. If he's making between the 60k-80k range for income and has no car payment, it is very conservative.

 

Consider it an asset. If he chooses wisely, upgrades the place appropriately ensuring only the inclusion of upgrades that will net gain on equity, the possession of a property or two in and surrounding an urban area can become a great source of income.

 

He was planning on buying this home. If he makes a good income, he's not overreaching, and it will become a solid source of rental income/equity in the future.

 

Think about it. If he closes on a place in the beginning of '10, he'll have at least 30% of it paid off by this time next year if taking into account a 20% down payment, 110k purchase price, and 1100/month mortgage payment. If he pays it off liberally, he'll have it bought in 3 to 4 years and you'll have a property just... sitting there... where you have to pay a small amount in property insurance, property tax, condo fees that you can rent out for an amount much higher than you pay for upkeep.

 

This is some logic I can definitely relate to thank you, lol. He does not make that, closer to the 50k range, but has no car payment and no loans. Your other figures are pretty much spot-on and he would be on track to pay it off in approx. 5 years. Well, that was when it was a 60k purchase, and not a 110k, so it may be closer to a 8-9 year payoff.

 

That's what I love about LS, I can come in here all freaked out and being a typical girl, and I get different advice that helps me see things more rationally. Now I'm less worried about what this says and how it might impact me financially, and pretty much just worried about the emotions/commitment aspects of it.

[Kamille]

I'm trying to understand your concerns. The way I see it, there is two potential explanations for why this issues bothers you:

1) It either indicates that when it comes to financial matters and planning for the future, you two are quite different, possibly incompatible.

Or, alternatively

2) You wonder if this means he isn't as serious about your relationships as you thought he was.

 

Either way, I'm left wondering if you've communicated any of your concerns about the increase in in market value (60 vs 100) or the stagnation of the condo market to him? If not, why not?

[Analeigh]

Sorry you feel jumped on, in these replies, and I think it might be in how you phrased your question. But after reading your reply to another poster, I can totally understand your "financial" fears behind this if you are one of those people who really makes solid financial decisions, I get that. I tend to get all freaky around that topic too, since I am really careful about money. Even if it's not your problem or responsibility (his buying a condo) it sure could impact you later if you wind up together, I get that.

 

I think it was my own fault. I sat down to post and everything I was feeling kind of poured out, without much self-editing. Financial things are a big deal for me. I have seen a friend of mine get played hard by a gold digger, so I have worked hard to always earn my own money and be smart with my finances so that no one could ever accuse me of that. In doing so I have also had to learn to avoid the guys that can't get a handle on their own finances. My previous serious boyfriend and I were on the verge of getting engaged last year when I ended it. After I did he went crazy with his money, spending 100% of his paycheck on living it up and buying pointless stuff, and I am so glad I avoided that pit.

 

You do spend a lot of time together, which seems serious in nature, but without having been together longer, or having actual discussions about you two being together on a more permanent basis, I guess it's just hard to get that far ahead....and know one way or others. Granted there might be mixed messages too, as often happens. Him having a key and you all partially living together, at least temporarily is a big thing, for some, and not for others. FOR me that would be huge, since I don't move too fast nor give me key or heart out too soon, it takes a lot. So perhaps you just need to have a larger conversation about future or possible future and expectations. Never easy.

 

I empathize with your feelings, and hope it turns out okay.

((hugs))

 

It is kind of in that weird in-between stage. I don't usually give them access this early either, so it has almost created a false sense of security. This is the major reason I wish he wasn't rushing into this purchase, so both of us could have more time to kind of feel out where exactly we are. Thank you for the ((hugs)), much appreciated

[Analeigh]

I think I'd be sort of concerned that the realtor managed to bump his range up from $60K to $100K, but at the same time, this is still a very reasonable amount for property (of course, I don't know where you live so maybe I'm wrong... but where I live $60K won't even buy a trailer in a trailer park).

 

I understand your concern on the financial end, but maybe since the market is low it's a good time to buy, and then keep the property as a long-term investment.

 

That was a concern of mine as well. Initially he and I both looked around and came up with a list of 20 or so properties ranging from 40 to 75k. Since the realtor has "helped," he has only looked at one of those as she is naturally pushing him towards a higher price range. We live in a major city, the metro area is top 10 for population in the US. The economy is good here, not booming but certainly not like Detroit, etc. Houses are a lot more expensive here, even my small one outside of the city was around 200. So 100k for a condo is certainly not staggering, but with recent foreclosures, etc. places can be found for a lot less that will eventually be worth a lot more.

 

He could simply know exactly what he wants, for what price, and in what area. He may bring his parents along who are helping with the down payment or cosigning.

 

He doesn't, they aren't. He looked in about 5 areas at around 15 places and has a top 3 that he is looking at making an offer on.

 

I'm trying to understand your concerns. The way I see it, there is two potential explanations for why this issues bothers you:

1) It either indicates that when it comes to financial matters and planning for the future, you two are quite different, possibly incompatible.

Or, alternatively

2) You wonder if this means he isn't as serious about your relationships as you thought he was.

 

Either way, I'm left wondering if you've communicated any of your concerns about the increase in in market value (60 vs 100) or the stagnation of the condo market to him? If not, why not?

 

Both of those are what bothers me, primarily the second one. In most other financial aspects we agree. We don't lease cars or buy ones we make payments on, we have savings accounts and investments, and we are conservative in our daily purchases. Buying something so quickly seems out of character for him though.

 

I did communicate both of those to him. The condo market I talked to him about when he first started looking, which is why the initial price range was so low. I showed him exactly what he could get for his dollar. Real estate is something I am quite apt at and I have helped quite a few friends along with making several purchases myself. Today I finally got the guts to tell him that I think the realtor is only concerned with how much commission she will make and that he is missing out on a lot by not looking at things in a lower price range. He was receptive to that idea but also said "She is a friend of my family's, I don't think she would steer me wrong".

[catgotyourtongue]

I drink from this kool aid too! lol. The "post everything without much self editing". I completely get your financial fear and conservatism. I subscribe to that thinking, behavior too and can't seriously date people who have a totally different philosophy.

 

As for the false sense of security, I can see where that has entered the relationship with you two. I guess it was good that you posted, as you are getting to see things from lots of other angels through several responders. THIS IS THE BEST PART OF LS working. Nice to be part of a non heated thread (so far) for a while, with good advice, kind help and real advice, thoughts without the bashing. AMEN to that.

 

I think it was my own fault. I sat down to post and everything I was feeling kind of poured out, without much self-editing. Financial things are a big deal for me. I have seen a friend of mine get played hard by a gold digger, so I have worked hard to always earn my own money and be smart with my finances so that no one could ever accuse me of that. In doing so I have also had to learn to avoid the guys that can't get a handle on their own finances. My previous serious boyfriend and I were on the verge of getting engaged last year when I ended it. After I did he went crazy with his money, spending 100% of his paycheck on living it up and buying pointless stuff, and I am so glad I avoided that pit.

 

 

 

It is kind of in that weird in-between stage. I don't usually give them access this early either, so it has almost created a false sense of security. This is the major reason I wish he wasn't rushing into this purchase, so both of us could have more time to kind of feel out where exactly we are. Thank you for the ((hugs)), much appreciated

[Star Gazer]

I think after only 6 months, at such a young age, he would be foolish to be making real estate decisions based on the potential of where your relationship might be YEARS from now.

[AverageJoe]

I have to be honest here and give you a different perspective. Frankly put he doesn't need your approval to purchase a big ticket item.

 

If it is his money, he can choose to do with it as he pleases. End of story.

 

After only a six month period of dating if you were to approach me with what you posted here. I would be very inclined to break it off.

 

In less than six months you are already trying to decide this guy's future, and financial future for him. That is just the beginning and would seriously make me question what could possibly be coming next.

 

Six months is chump change in the dating arena.

 

You have your place, he is about to have his place. Why ruin a good thing?

[Analeigh]

While both of us may be relatively young, we are not babies. We both have long since graduated from college, have stable and successful careers, I own a home, and we both have investments and savings. I realize that's not how most people in their mid-20s are these days, but both of us are hard workers and planners. We have both had our share of previous relationships, serious and not.

 

We have discussed how long we have seen others date before marriage and agree that while it should be at least a year or two, neither of us would let it go more than that. He has friends that are not married after 5+ years and as he says, "If you don't know by then, you will never know." He doesn't date anyone for more than a few weeks unless he sees serious long-term potential, consequently I am the first woman his family has met in years. To me, this has all the indications of a LTR.