sunshinegirl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I have to be honest here and give you a different perspective. Frankly put he doesn't need your approval to purchase a big ticket item. If it is his money, he can choose to do with it as he pleases. End of story. After only a six month period of dating if you were to approach me with what you posted here. I would be very inclined to break it off. In less than six months you are already trying to decide this guy's future, and financial future for him. That is just the beginning and would seriously make me question what could possibly be coming next. Six months is chump change in the dating arena. You have your place, he is about to have his place. Why ruin a good thing? Despite my earlier post, I do agree with this, to a point. I don't think her BF has any *obligation* to consult/include her in this decision. But if she's thinking about the long-term with this guy (which she is), she should note that his behavior and choices do not match up with someone who is currently thinking the same way. (((hugs))) OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 To me, this has all the indications of a LTR. Sure, not arguing with you there. But those are only indications. He's talked about wanting to get married, someday. But not necessarily to YOU. Until/unless he actually intends on marrying you or inviting you to live with him in the very near future, I really don't believe it's fair to expect him to include you on his investment decisions. Say you needed to buy a new car, and wanted a sporty 2-door Audi and he came to you and said you needed to get an SUV or a minivan because if your relationship is going anywhere it means you'll be having kids in 3 years and a car seat won't fit in the Audi. Wouldn't your jaw just drop?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Analeigh Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 I don't think her BF has any *obligation* to consult/include her in this decision. But if she's thinking about the long-term with this guy (which she is), she should note that his behavior and choices do not match up with someone who is currently thinking the same way. (((hugs))) OP. Thank you. This hurt badly to hear but was needed. I may need to back away from him emotionally until I know for sure we are on a level playing field. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 OP, if I was buying even another rental and was dating a woman, she'd be involved if only for her unique perspective and another set of eyes and ears. More information is nearly always good information. Even in the midst of divorce, my exW and I worked together to buy her a new house. She respected my vast knowledge of construction and real estate. I wanted her to get a good house I bought my first house at about your age many years ago. I wasn't dating anyone. If I had been, of course they would have been part of the process. It's a wonderful time and a blast to share with someone. Well, that's one man's perspective. If this man is sticking his penis in you, you're a part of his life and shouldn't be compartmentalized away. That's my opinion. I'd watch this carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 Despite my earlier post, I do agree with this, to a point. I don't think her BF has any *obligation* to consult/include her in this decision. But if she's thinking about the long-term with this guy (which she is), she should note that his behavior and choices do not match up with someone who is currently thinking the same way. (((hugs))) OP. He could very well have long-term HOPES with her, but do you think it's wise that he include her on such a huge decison based on mere hope? Btw... I'm really jealous that you live somewhere where such cheap real estate even exists. If I wanted a tiny condo I'd be looking at at least $300K. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I don't think it means he's not interested in a LTR or even eventual marriage with you. I mean, I have no idea, but I don't think it's the sign you think it is. Most men I know who own houses/condos look at it like, "Houses or condos can be leased or sold." And he may not want to wait for when you all have hammered all this out because it's something he wants to do before he's in that place. A lot of men I know have things they want to do before they get married, and own their own property (whether it is the one they stay with or not) is not unusual on the list. I mean, unless he's moving to an area that's really inconvenient for you or buying houses in a neighborhood you're uncomfortable sleeping over or something, I don't think his not including you tells you that much. He may have no intention of keeping it as his primary home after he gets married, to you or anyone else. He may just not think about that, feeling it's a sound investment anyway. It just doesn't seem like men think about the future and all the little "what ifs" the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I was reading this post from the OP to gain some relationship insight and the though occurred to me that the boyfriend appears very attentive and loving with the small things but this thing, this apartment/condo thing is a big thing, a 'man' thing and perhaps, emotionally, for him, not something the little lady should be involved in. Cognitively, it doesn't make sense, as she's already a homeowner and wise about such things, but, emotionally, it's a separation of gender. Tell me, OP, what culture is your boyfriend? I've seen this schism more prevalent in certain cultures where the males are more 'traditional'. It might be nothing but it caught my radar so I figured I'd throw it out there. Congrats on your financial savvy. You've done well Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I was reading this post from the OP to gain some relationship insight and the though occurred to me that the boyfriend appears very attentive and loving with the small things but this thing, this apartment/condo thing is a big thing, a 'man' thing and perhaps, emotionally, for him, not something the little lady should be involved in. Cognitively, it doesn't make sense, as she's already a homeowner and wise about such things, but, emotionally, it's a separation of gender. Tell me, OP, what culture is your boyfriend? I've seen this schism more prevalent in certain cultures where the males are more 'traditional'. It might be nothing but it caught my radar so I figured I'd throw it out there. Congrats on your financial savvy. You've done well Are you serious about all of this?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 All of it. My exW had other cultures in her extended family and I saw the males in action. Pretty scary stuff, to me. Also, much as I appreciate your legal savvy and female opinions, you're not a man, were never socialized like a man nor have the emotions and intellect of a man. I'm giving the OP the perspective of a man, one old enough to be her and your father. She can do with it what she chooses. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 this apartment/condo thing is a big thing, a 'man' thing and perhaps, emotionally, for him, not something the little lady should be involved in. Cognitively, it doesn't make sense, as she's already a homeowner and wise about such things, but, emotionally, it's a separation of gender. She shouldn't be involved at all in my opinion. I myself, I would never make financial investments of any kind together with a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 OP, clarify.... you are wanting to be included in the *process* only. You're not pushing to actually invest and become joint tenants/tenants in common, right? There's a big difference between walking through and discussing floorplans, lighting, views, pricing etc (this is being involved in the process) and buying the property jointly. My suggestions were regarding being involved and I feel and did feel as a young man that such was part of 'being together' with an intimate partner, even if dating. I would counsel against buying property jointly as unmarried people. Apparently, the OP's BF feels more like Joe. Up to the OP how she wants to handle that. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Also, much as I appreciate your legal savvy and female opinions, you're not a man, were never socialized like a man nor have the emotions and intellect of a man. I'm giving the OP the perspective of a man, one old enough to be her and your father. She can do with it what she chooses. Seriously. Wow. As I woman I don't have the intellect of a man? Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 My close friends and I talk to eachother etensively about things as simple as changing cell phone plans ! As someone with a real estate license, who has owned and managed many rental properties, I would have no problem with my guy wanting to invest in a place, and ALL real estate is essentially an investment. But if I'm best friends/having sex with this guy/he has a key to my home and he doesn't even involve me in the " shopping experience" ? That would weird me out big time. Dating for two weeks a guy asked me to help clean out his closets/update his wardrobe. I stayed with an ex for a few weeks last summer and helped him furnish his new place from soup to nuts. If my steady BF was taking his parents house shopping and not me I would feel like we had a pretty un-friendly, un-close relationship. Of course ultimatley I would want him to find what works for HIM, as I would any client, but this seems hinky to me. I'm sorry, maybe he's just weird in this one small way and everything else is great. I'm just big on sharing my life and eperiences with the person I share my bed with and like them to do the same.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Wow. As I woman I don't have the intellect of a man? Wow. Give it a rest counselor. You're just arguing now. You know what I meant. We think *differently*. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 But if I'm best friends/having sex with this guy/he has a key to my home and he doesn't even involve me in the " shopping experience" ? That would weird me out big time. Dating for two weeks a guy asked me to help clean out his closets/update his wardrobe. I stayed with an ex for a few weeks last summer and helped him furnish his new place from soup to nuts. If my steady BF was taking his parents house shopping and not me I would feel like we had a pretty un-friendly, un-close relationship. Of course ultimatley I would want him to find what works for HIM, as I would any client, but this seems hinky to me. I'm sorry, maybe he's just weird in this one small way and everything else is great. I'm just big on sharing my life and eperiences with the person I share my bed with and like them to do the same.... By that logic he should bang his parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Banker Chick Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I just think some guys feel/think differently about things. As a woman, I would also already be planning out a "potential future" ... especially considering I'm a type A personality and a control freak. But, I dated a guy for over a year and he was also "in between" living situations and wanted a place of his own badly so I could finally come hang out with him more, even considering I already had my own place. I NEVER went with him to look at places, nor did he ask my opinion on any of the financial matters although I work in banking and have an MBA. It wasn't until after he closed and moved in that I actually went over to visit. I didn't let this bother me one bit. I figured it's his money and his investment and he can do whatever he wants. He even decorated without my input About a year later this guy asked me to marry him (I turned him down) so his lack of involving me apparently had nothing to do with what he saw in his future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Analeigh Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 To clarify, I am NOT looking to buy a place with him. I don't want to be listed on any property, put any of my money in, be a joint tenant, share a bank account...heck, I don't even want to live with him unless we were engaged. I agree that financial intermingling and joint ownership before marriage can be a huge problem. OP, clarify.... you are wanting to be included in the *process* only. You're not pushing to actually invest and become joint tenants/tenants in common, right? OP, if I was buying even another rental and was dating a woman, she'd be involved if only for her unique perspective and another set of eyes and ears. More information is nearly always good information. Even in the midst of divorce, my exW and I worked together to buy her a new house. She respected my vast knowledge of construction and real estate. I wanted her to get a good house I bought my first house at about your age many years ago. I wasn't dating anyone. If I had been, of course they would have been part of the process. It's a wonderful time and a blast to share with someone. Well, that's one man's perspective. If this man is sticking his penis in you, you're a part of his life and shouldn't be compartmentalized away. That's my opinion. I'd watch this carefully. Carhill, your advice and viewpoint is always appreciated and valued. I think you are one of the most reasonable and smart posters on LS. I tend to agree with you on this point. It IS a fun process, it can be a fairly stressful one and I also think it's good to have additional inputs. Before I closed on my house, a friend of mine had his brother and father come over to look at it since they are an architect and a builder. They were helpful with their input. I do feel that since I have done this before and since I look at properties fairly regularly, I would also have some valuable input for my BF. I was reading this post from the OP to gain some relationship insight and the though occurred to me that the boyfriend appears very attentive and loving with the small things but this thing, this apartment/condo thing is a big thing, a 'man' thing and perhaps, emotionally, for him, not something the little lady should be involved in. Cognitively, it doesn't make sense, as she's already a homeowner and wise about such things, but, emotionally, it's a separation of gender. Tell me, OP, what culture is your boyfriend? I've seen this schism more prevalent in certain cultures where the males are more 'traditional'. It might be nothing but it caught my radar so I figured I'd throw it out there. Congrats on your financial savvy. You've done well He is very attentive otherwise. He is not perfect by any means, and I don't have that illusion. We have had a communication issue here or there when our expectations are a little different. He is fully American, I would nearly call him a WASP. His ancestry is from Eastern Europe but his family has been here for 3-4 generations. You are right in the fact that his parents seem to have very traditional gender roles, with his mother a little flighty and depending on his father. His father is a strong, masculine male who seems to handle all finances, important decisions, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Analeigh Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Something fairly interesting happened tonight. I went to dinner with my BF and his parents. They talked a little about the places they saw yesterday and they think he hasn't found the right place yet. My boyfriend left for a few minutes to get something out of the car and they asked me what I thought about what he should be spending. -His mother thinks that he should spend more and get something nicer. She thinks it will be easier to resell if it's more expensive to begin with. She wants him to pay more, even over 100k, to get the newest place possible. -His father thinks that he should go for a cheaper one. He can pay it off faster and not have to worry if he is stuck with it down the road. He could also use some $$ from the savings to put into updating it if it needs a little refreshing. My BF came back in while we were discussing this and his mother said the SAME thing I have been thinking. That she thinks he won't want to be living there in 10 years. She said "When he is 37 I am sure he will be married and have children and he won't want to live there." He didn't protest this - didn't really say anything about it, just nodded. If I knew for sure that he was going into this knowing all the risks and possible consequences, and that I was some sort of consideration in it, I would be more comfortable. I'd like to know that he fully realizes he MAY be stuck with it for 5 years, 10, or more and that he has a plan for that possibility. If he would involve me in the process and honestly care for my opinion or help, I would feel so much better. But I am not going to bring it up or push towards that. I may seem to be rushing it in this thread, which is why I am keeping it all in my head and not going all "OMG I need a proposal now" crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 JMO.. Why be soooo controlling ?... What makes you think he will want to live in your house and not want one that you both picked out ? Why not let him make the decision about what is right for him.. you have only been dating six months and you seem to want to have control over his decision making process and how he spends his money ? I'm not trying to be harsh but people have mentioned on this thread that you should be backing off somewhat on this and you seem to be going full throttle forward in being upset about his decision on what to buy himself.. and for what it's worth.. a 100k for a house/condo today isn't a decision that can't be undone at any time... He can just sell it or rent it.. so can you with your house.. Cars can cost 50k today.. I'd be worried if he was spending 500k for a condo in an area that isn't booming.. a 100k condo can be unloaded at any time with very little loss if any later on.. Link to post Share on other sites
AverageJoe Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 If this guy is smart (which I think he might actually be) he would drop you immediately if knew he of these undisclosed plans for him. He has no clue what is coming his way. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 JMO.. Why be soooo controlling ?... What makes you think he will want to live in your house and not want one that you both picked out ? Why not let him make the decision about what is right for him.. you have only been dating six months and you seem to want to have control over his decision making process and how he spends his money ? I'm not trying to be harsh but people have mentioned on this thread that you should be backing off somewhat on this and you seem to be going full throttle forward in being upset about his decision on what to buy himself.. and for what it's worth.. a 100k for a house/condo today isn't a decision that can't be undone at any time... He can just sell it or rent it.. so can you with your house.. Cars can cost 50k today.. I'd be worried if he was spending 500k for a condo in an area that isn't booming.. a 100k condo can be unloaded at any time with very little loss if any later on.. I agree a million times over. In 10 years, that place could easily be paid off for less in monthly payments than I pay in rent! Even if he buys a sh*thole he can't unload, it's not the end of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 If this guy is smart (which I think he might actually be) he would drop you immediately if knew he of these undisclosed plans for him. He has no clue what is coming his way. She doesn't seem that controlling to me. Marriage-minded men don't tend to mind women who see them as marriage potential, IME. Which is most of what she's saying, once you translate it from "girl." She's having a bit of a tizzy, sure, but she seems to be recovering. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Analeigh Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 If this guy is smart (which I think he might actually be) he would drop you immediately if knew he of these undisclosed plans for him. He has no clue what is coming his way. Wow, could you be any more rude?? There are no "undisclosed plans". There is no me controlling. I have not expressed any of this to him, other than the opinion that he might be better off buying a place that is less expensive. I am not one of those women that has our entire relationship planned out, I don't have a "timeline" of dating, marriage, kids, etc. I do not expect or want to make every decision for us in the future, but I believe I AM right to want to be clued into major life decisions at this point. I simply wanted to know if: a. I was right to be concerned that I was being totally excluded from the process b. This might indicate that he is going a different direction than I am c. This meant we may be incompatible on financial views If you have nothing helpful to offer, please get out of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Analeigh Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 JMO.. Why be soooo controlling ?... What makes you think he will want to live in your house and not want one that you both picked out ? Why not let him make the decision about what is right for him.. you have only been dating six months and you seem to want to have control over his decision making process and how he spends his money ? Wow, a wonderfully helpful thread and you and Joe pop in here with your very biased views of women to cut me down. I am certainly not being controlling. I have never once told him he shouldn't buy a place. When he has asked for help I have given it, when he has not I have not offered it. A controlling woman would have INSISTED she go along to every house, she would be walking around planning how to decorate, she would be searching for a place SHE liked and trying to put it on him. If anything I have been the opposite, and I am now totally excluded from any part of the process, and that hurts and bothers me. I don't want to have control over how he spends his money, but I do need to know if we treat money the same way. I am not looking for him to move into my house. I bought it several years ago because I knew I was staying in the area for 5+ years, I knew it was a good investment, and I knew that it could be easily sold in the future if I needed a bigger place or needed to move. IF I do marry anyone at all, I'm sure that we would probably pick out our own place. Cars can cost 50k today.. If he was buying a car that cost 50k, we wouldn't be dating. At our income levels, that would be plain stupid and irresponsible. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 a. IMO, yes, feeling concerned is a valid feeling and healthy b. Unclear, as this is just one small aspect of 'direction'. Domicile, for some people, can be important; for others, it's a place to crash. c. The disconnect would cause me to examine financial perspectives more closely Everything about what he's doing can be completely 'right' for him, but not right for you. That doesn't make him wrong. It's an issue to be resolved; if resolution is not possible, then it becomes an irreconcilable difference and incompatibility and you each decide the importance of that to the overall relationship. TBH, my exW likely wouldn't have any issue here; that's *her* relationship style. Yours apparently differs, as does mine. I hope you can work it out Link to post Share on other sites
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