My Boyfriend is buying a place...without me.

[Art_Critic]

Wow, a wonderfully helpful thread and you and Joe pop in here with your very biased views of women to cut me down.

 

That's totally unfounded... my views on women have nothing to do with this thread.. and honestly my views on women are nothing like joe's.

 

As someone who has owned and bought many of my own homes thruout my life while dating women I can assure you to me "IMO" you are being controlling of his finances to which you do NOT share with him at this time.

 

I'm not saying you are a controlling person... I'm saying right now you are being too controlling..

 

How would you feel if he started making financial decisions in your life today and deciding how you spend your paycheck ?

Answer that question honestly and you will see where I'm coming from..

 

By the way.. if you are in a committed relationship with someone where the talk of the future and marriage is the basis of the relationship then everything I posted about goes out the window.. that isn't the case in your relationship.. you haven't mentioned that you have discussed moving in together or marriage.

[Art_Critic]

I had a GF back in my 20's that wanted me to sell my house, business and move closer to my Mom in South Carolina..

We dated only a year and at that time she made the declaration that she wanted me to buy a home somewhere else it was about 6 months in..

 

If I had done that back then it would have been the biggest mistake of my life...

 

Not saying that your BF buying a home of your choice would be a mistake because honestly I don't think he can go wrong buying a home or a condo but the difference is that he has to do what he feels is right for him in his life.. if that means including you in the decision then you are being given more weight in the decision but if he doesn't include you then you need to accept that because that is where your relationship actually is today..

[Art_Critic]

IF I do marry anyone at all, I'm sure that we would probably pick out our own place.

 

Well.. there is the real answer right there...

 

So it shouldn't matter what kind of place he wants to buy to live in while being single since if you 2 got married then you would buy a place together..

 

The rest is splitting hairs if you are saying his condo won't sell.. your house may not sell either.. have you seen the market lately ?

 

Why worry about it and just go look at homes with him and give your input rather than worry if he is making a mistake or not.

[Viva]

To put it blatantly your title post entails a different meaning then what you're making it seem now...

 

Changing tactics, all these questions, inquiries, etc.

 

JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Why can't you tell him what you told us, will that make him not like you or something? It shouldn't, right?

 

If you see him as a future husband then by all means do what a good couple would do: confide your worries, questions, views, etc. to him.

 

Overall, it's not us making the big decision, it's him. We can only give advice that you will or will not like and that's the end.

[Analeigh]

Well, it's coming to a head now. He went for another look on Thursday, again with his parents. He saw one place for the second time and told me this morning he has decided to put an offer on it. I didn't even know he went out to view properties again, until last night. I understand that it is often a Man Thing to do this kind of stuff with no help, but it still hurts to not be involved at all.

 

Any (constructive) advice on how I should treat this now? Should I tell him how insulted and hurt I am that he never even asked me to go look with him, despite my experience in this and despite our relationship? Should I try to just ignore it?

 

I have no idea what he is buying price-wise, value, etc. So I will leave the financial concerns out of this for now. I'm mainly just getting sad and upset and would like a logical outside input.

[Star Gazer]

Honestly, I really, truly don't think it's any of your business at 6 months in, particularly seeing as you plan on picking out an entirely NEW place together if/when you get married. So, to be insulted and hurt that he's not giving you an opportunity to tell him what he should do with his money and investments is over the top, IMO.

 

He's keeping you in the loop of what he's doing. You're always free to volunteer advice if it's so important to you to be able to do so.

[Kamille]

 

Any (constructive) advice on how I should treat this now? Should I tell him how insulted and hurt I am that he never even asked me to go look with him, despite my experience in this and despite our relationship? Should I try to just ignore it?

 

 

Since you never actually told him how it all made you feel, I think he would feel blindsided if you suddenly told him, on the day he's preparing to make an offer, that you are insulted and hurt he never even asked you to go look at it with him.

 

Viva had a good point when she said:

 

JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Why can't you tell him what you told us, will that make him not like you or something? It shouldn't, right?

 

So start from a different place than feeling insulted. Why not be excited for him? Finding a place you like and making an offer is an extremely thrilling moment in anyone's life. And plus, if you start from excitement, you can also ask to be included in the process by asking: "when can I see it?".

 

Best of luck.

[Chocolat]

Interesting thread. I've dated men for a lot less than 6 months who have included me in their house-hunting (or condo-hunting) trips. Not because I was controlling or because we had committed to a LTR but just because. It's fun to bring a friend along. It's fun to have someone else's input. It's fun to imagine where the couch will go and will the bed fit. Most guys I've known would be eager for this sort of input.

 

I think you want to find out why he hasn't involved you. This will reveal itself in time, but I understand that you want the answer now! I would back off a bit from worrying, enjoy the time you have with him, and see what happens next. I think his agenda will become a lot more clear once he is moved in.

[allina]

Well, it's coming to a head now. He went for another look on Thursday, again with his parents. He saw one place for the second time and told me this morning he has decided to put an offer on it. I didn't even know he went out to view properties again, until last night. I understand that it is often a Man Thing to do this kind of stuff with no help, but it still hurts to not be involved at all.

 

Any (constructive) advice on how I should treat this now? Should I tell him how insulted and hurt I am that he never even asked me to go look with him, despite my experience in this and despite our relationship? Should I try to just ignore it?

 

I have no idea what he is buying price-wise, value, etc. So I will leave the financial concerns out of this for now. I'm mainly just getting sad and upset and would like a logical outside input.

 

Is he buying a place alone or is he doing so with assistance from his parents? I know people who purchased cheap real estate as an investemnt together with their parents, to live in for a few years then rent out/sell. If his parents are included then I understand that he may not want to involved a gf.

 

If he is just buying for himself I understand how you're feeling a little hurt. I would be too. Not because I would want to control anything, but because even after 6 months I would want to be included. Even if it's as simple as just looking at the places or understanding how this relates to our future. Being completely excluded would make me feel like the person I was considering a future with wasn't considering one with me, at all.

[Titania22]

 

Btw... I'm really jealous that you live somewhere where such cheap real estate even exists. If I wanted a tiny condo I'd be looking at at least $300K.

 

This is what I was thinking. I have been reading this thread in shock, that people live in places where housing is affordable. I bet rents must be cheap there too.

[carhill]

The home I alluded to (buying for my exW) in a prior post cost about 115K when all was said and done, and my other rentals are about the same, typical of detached SFH's in the 1000-1500sqft range. Rents run 1000-1200mo. on long-term leases. Those same homes sold for over 300K a couple years ago.

 

Is he buying a place alone or is he doing so with assistance from his parents? I know people who purchased cheap real estate as an investemnt together with their parents, to live in for a few years then rent out/sell. If his parents are included then I understand that he may not want to involved a gf

 

That's a good point. OP, comment? If BF and parents are partners, I could see more focus on their interactions and away from he and you in this regard. I'd still be inclusive, but that's my perspective.

[Titania22]

Rents run 1000-1200mo. on long-term leases. Those same homes sold for over 300K a couple years ago.

 

 

It appears you have a market where owning would be preferrable to renting.

 

Provided people can afford the mortgage.

[carhill]

In my area it's a combination of limited capital (down payment) and lousy credit. I have a heck of a time qualifying tenants. No way I'd lend them money

[AverageJoe]

She still doesn't get it.

[sweet sugar]

Frankly, it is not a good sign that he has mentioned he wants a future with marriage and kids, but has not mentioned you as a part of that picture.

Edited January 16, 2011 by sweet sugar

[forrest]

Well, it's coming to a head now. He went for another look on Thursday, again with his parents. He saw one place for the second time and told me this morning he has decided to put an offer on it. I didn't even know he went out to view properties again, until last night. I understand that it is often a Man Thing to do this kind of stuff with no help, but it still hurts to not be involved at all.

 

Any (constructive) advice on how I should treat this now? Should I tell him how insulted and hurt I am that he never even asked me to go look with him, despite my experience in this and despite our relationship? Should I try to just ignore it?

 

I have no idea what he is buying price-wise, value, etc. So I will leave the financial concerns out of this for now. I'm mainly just getting sad and upset and would like a logical outside input.

I would be concerned too. If you guys are in a ltr instead of casual dating, I would want to know what kind of financial hole I was getting myself into. 100k is not a lot, and the economy is doing better than it did a year ago (although the real estate market is still in the crap). He should be able to sell it just fine in 10 years. But what about the HOA? I don't know what area you live in, but condos here in San Francisco area are not good buys. They often times have high HOA payments and what happens when he gets hit with a special assessment? Those can run into several thousand to tens of thousands of dollars. Read up on it, many home owners are not paying their dues with them being underwater.

 

In regards to how you feel. In certain respects, the posters above are right. You technically don't have much say in what he does financially. You've only been dating for 6 months. However, I was seeing places with my ex even before the six months timeframe (been looking for places long before we met) and I was happy to get her input and advice. She often had a thought that I didn't consider that made me re-evaluate my decision, and I am glad that I did because now I have an awesome place of my own.

 

I understand how you feel as I was in your bf's shoes as my ex was in exactly the same place as you are now (there were places that I went to see without her as they were during odd times of the week). Talk to him about it, but in a non-threatening manner.

[Analeigh]

I think you want to find out why he hasn't involved you. This will reveal itself in time, but I understand that you want the answer now! I would back off a bit from worrying, enjoy the time you have with him, and see what happens next. I think his agenda will become a lot more clear once he is moved in.

 

Yes, this is basically how I feel , it's a little hard for me to put into the exact words. I'm not used to feeling, well....so much like a "girl". I am usually very logical about this type of thing, which is why this has thrown me into a loop. I am trying hard to be patient and just wait for things to play out.

 

Is he buying a place alone or is he doing so with assistance from his parents? I know people who purchased cheap real estate as an investemnt together with their parents, to live in for a few years then rent out/sell. If his parents are included then I understand that he may not want to involved a gf.

 

If he is just buying for himself I understand how you're feeling a little hurt. I would be too. Not because I would want to control anything, but because even after 6 months I would want to be included. Even if it's as simple as just looking at the places or understanding how this relates to our future. Being completely excluded would make me feel like the person I was considering a future with wasn't considering one with me, at all.

 

He is buying it alone. He doesn't bring in a huge salary, but he started working early and saved well. He has enough for a substantial down payment and has great credit, so he doesn't need a co-signer. I'm glad that a few people seem to understand why I am hurt about this. I don't need or want direct input, but it would have felt a lot better if he had kept me more in the loop. Especially since we have both expressed that we are in this for the long haul, even if we haven't specifically talked about marriage.

 

This is what I was thinking. I have been reading this thread in shock, that people live in places where housing is affordable. I bet rents must be cheap there too.

 

I really can't think of that many places in the US where things aren't that affordable right now, other than Boston, LA and SF, DC, and of course NYC. We live in city that is top 10 in metro area population, top 20 in economy ranking, top 10 in GDP. I live outside the city and my house was a little under 200. Condos and apartments are VERY cheap right now because the amount of foreclosures and defaults on them have pushed all the values down. Single family housing has not gone down in value very much here. Renting is not cheap (although cheaper than LA, SF). I do feel for those of you that live in places that are very expensive right now.

[Analeigh]

I understand how you feel as I was in your bf's shoes as my ex was in exactly the same place as you are now (there were places that I went to see without her as they were during odd times of the week). Talk to him about it, but in a non-threatening manner.

 

Thanks for the advice and relating your previous situation. I knew I couldn't be the only person around here! I am going to wait a little bit and see how much happens now that he has chosen to make an offer. If nothing changes in a week or so, I will try to gently talk to him and feel out if there is an underlying issue.

 

I agree with all of you who said that for many people this is a fun, exciting process. When I bought my house I even had non-romantically involved friends come over to see it. One friend brought his dad who is an architect, so I could get his opinion. A first home purchase is a big deal so I'm hoping that maybe he just might be a little different in this regard. I'm not upset he went looking the other day and didn't tell me, because I was working a 12 hour day that day and couldn't have gone even if I was asked.

[forrest]

Thanks for the advice and relating your previous situation. I knew I couldn't be the only person around here! I am going to wait a little bit and see how much happens now that he has chosen to make an offer. If nothing changes in a week or so, I will try to gently talk to him and feel out if there is an underlying issue.

 

I agree with all of you who said that for many people this is a fun, exciting process. When I bought my house I even had non-romantically involved friends come over to see it. One friend brought his dad who is an architect, so I could get his opinion. A first home purchase is a big deal so I'm hoping that maybe he just might be a little different in this regard. I'm not upset he went looking the other day and didn't tell me, because I was working a 12 hour day that day and couldn't have gone even if I was asked.

Have you guys talked about moving together already?

[Analeigh]

Have you guys talked about moving together already?

 

We have talked about it. We both agreed that it was not something we wanted at this point in time. I am generally opposed to living together before at least being engaged. Especially in our case, where I already own and he is (now) buying. He agreed that he didn't want to "push us too fast."

 

 

I had lunch with my BF and his parents today. They were all talking about making the actual offer. Since this is his first time through the process, the four of us talked about mortgages, rates, Condo Asso. fees and issues, brokers, etc. He did ask my opinion a few times about making the offer and getting a loan. I offered some advice from my experience with HOAs/condo association dues, special assessments, reserve funds, etc. He did not ask my opinion about the place (I saw pictures today for the first time), and did not mention anything about me seeing it.

 

Still confused and hurting. I am really trying to be rational about this. But....I just don't want to look back in a year and think "Wow, I should have realized this was directionless when he bought his place and barely told me. Now I've wasted all this time." I guess at this point I am trying to figure out where this falls in the scale of long term interest, and at what point I will convince myself to walk away. It's difficult to hear him say he loves me, to see him otherwise treat me with caring and respect, and still be excluded from what to me is a very crucial time in his life.

[carhill]

The real test will be when you arrive for the first time to find his place outfitted in 'bachelor pad' attire. That will be an interesting day

[Analeigh]

LOL! Yes, it will be. I'm sure it will be a hodgepodge of furniture from his post-college days and his family's castoffs. I'm A-OK with his giant TV, though - really, I wouldn't mind that atmosphere. It might make me feel better in some twisted kind of way.

[carhill]

Well, if so, one perspective would be to envision this whole process as him building his 'man-cave', like a kid building his treehouse and keeping all the girls and their cooties away.

 

At heart, a lot of men are just boys with grown-up parts. Since you can't control how he acts or perceives things, all you can control is your reaction. Many potentials

[Analeigh]

I think I might go with something near this advice sometime in the next week. I think if I can approach him from a friendly, almost teasing sort of way, I might be able to feel him out. Sitting silently by for the past month hasn't helped. I assumed that by being a non-intrusive girlfriend, and waiting to be asked to come along, I would eventually be clued in. Hasn't happened.

 

And plus, if you start from excitement, you can also ask to be included in the process by asking: "when can I see it?".

 

My birthday is next week and we're going away for the weekend. I don't want to ruin our mini vacation and my birthday by bringing this up beforehand, but I also don't want to go away for a few days with this hanging over my head. I know myself and I am likely to let it build up and maybe burst out if I spend 4 days with him 24/7 while it's bugging me.