Out of the country - Cheated on by new love. She wants to work it out... Help!!

[Miller]

Hello,

 

Being in the Forces I obviously have to be out of the country from time. But in my job it only comes around every 2-3 years or so. Before coming away to where I am now, I met a girl and we were in each others pockets for a few months before I had to come away. Things were great. But I didn't know what was going to happen as I was going away for four months. But I managed to speak to her on the phone most days, and we were/are still really into each other.

 

But before coming away I put her in touch with a friend of mine so she would get invited to the social gatherings etc as she doesn't have many friends in the area. Anyway, after being away for about three months, I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed quite upset. Her and my friend had ended up getting trashed and sleeping together. She said they stopped after a minute or so, and she lay awake for the rest of the night. Crying etc. I asked her when I first started seeing her if she had every cheated on anyone before. As I beleive, once a cheater always a cheater. But she said no. The thing is, she and my friend had apparently kissed and cuddled on 2 other nights previous to this. Which she has told me about. But she says she has no feelings for him whatsoever. She doesn't know why she did it. She loves me and has never felt so strongly about someone. And doesn't know why out of everyone, she cheated on me. She is willing to do whatever it takes to work it out. And is no longer talking to my so called 'friend'. She has told me any details I wanted to know. Even though I didn't really want to know them, I just had to. I beleive everything she says, and don't think of her as a liar.

 

I'm still out of the country, I go back in two weeks. The incident happened about two weeks ago. I want to get over it and try to work things out. I just don't think it's going to be easy. I can get it out of my head. But it still pops in there every now and then. The worst things are, the kissing and cuddling on a few occasions before hand and the fact that she knew how bad it was for me out here, and then went and did this. I can slightly understand that she might have been lonely as I have been away for such a long time. Plus 'the friend' is a really fun guy to be around etc etc.

 

Has anyone else been through the same sort of thing? Or can you give me any advice? Thanks. Maybe because it's quite early on in our relationship, we can work through it ok. Or then again maybe it just won't let us get anywhere, leave us both miserable and end up splitting up anyway.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

What a slime your so-called friend is. I find something very disturbing here. She has tried to claim the sex thing was because she was drunk. The problem is that previously she was cuddling and kissing this guy a couple of times before hand. She cannot blame drinking on this. She made a conscious decision to kiss and cheat on you. If she felt so bad that why did she continue to cuddle and kiss him a second time. If she felt so bad after the second time then why did she go and get trashed and have limited sex with him the next time?

I am sorry my friend but you hearing what you want to hear but refusing to hear the reality of the situation. The fact that she said she did not know why she cheated on you says a great deal. How can you fix a problem if you refuse to acknowledge what the problem is in the first place? In addition, she was willing to cheat on you with your good friend. These are huge red flags. It may be time for you to look elsewhere for your future happiness. I wish you luck because you will need it if you stay with her.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by bryanp

I am sorry my friend but you hearing what you want to hear but refusing to hear the reality of the situation.

I don't think he's doing that at all. He sounds quite rational to me.

 

You have a large obstacle to overcome. Every relationship has its troubles, yours are just more blatant. It's possible for you both to overcome this, provided you can trust her. From what you posted, it sounds like she's committed to earning it again. Have you considered counseling?

[Miller]

Hi. Thanks for the replies - but she didn't give drunkeness as an excuse. She just explained what happened. As she told me, she even said herself being drunk is no excuse and you always kind of know what you're doing. That's before I said anything.

 

I agree there are lots of big red flags and have raised this with her, she agrees it looks that way but is adamant she wants to be with me etc. Like I said, she is a truthful person, and I beleive her. After all she could have got away with everything that happened back home while I'm out here without ever telling me. I would never be any the wiser.

[Papillon]

The real question is, are you going to punish her for her honesty? To be honest, I think her truthfullness in the face of what she did, is a lot more valuable than what she did is not.