maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Me and my best guy friend have been best friends for a year now, and speak every day and see eachother a few times a week, and he's been acting as if he has feelings for me since September, and I have feelings for him too, but when I asked him about it he denied it and said he'd prefer to just be friends, he seemed to distance himself for a while, we usually speak everyday and see each other twice a week but we went for ages without seeing each other because he never seemed to want to.. But then over Christmas we started to see each other again, and on every occasion he acted as if he liked me still, cuddling, holding hands etc, so I finally asked him again on New Years Eve if he liked me, and he said yes, so I asked if he wanted to go out with each other, and even said, 'you can say no if you want', but he said yes... So then 4 days later, I asked him if he'd told his brother/mum, and he said no, and I asked why he didn't want to tell them and he flipped, he ignored me the whole way back to his house, went up to his bedroom, and then texted me, from his bedroom, saying 'I don't feel ready for all this, I just want to be friends, hope you understand'... So obviously I got really upset, and I went upstairs and he wouldn't speak to me, and his mum came down and told me that 'He just likes me as a friend and didn't want to hurt my feelings', which I don't believe, because thats not how he's acted for months.. I tried texting him today and he said 'Not in the mood, dw', and wouldn't speak to me, so now I think I've lost my best friend, who I really like, and who told me he liked me, and I don't know what to do, I'm completely devastated.. a mutual friend also asked him today if he had spoken to me and he just said no and wouldn't talk to her about it either.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I'm very sorry for what you are going through! It sounds rough. I have a suggestion, but it's only to get the friendship back, which I hope you would settle for. It seems like he has decided, for whatever reason, that he can't handle a relationship with you. He seems pretty set on it considering the story you told. I suggest you make a move to let him know that the friendship is more important to you and that if that's all you can have, you will settle for it without bothering him ever again about the dating. It will be up to him if he chooses to change his mind later, but you won't bring it up. You have to be clear about that or he won't be comfortable again. The huge downside to this is if he finds someone else. You may have to watch someone you feel strongly for move on to another person. Can you handle that? It's pretty hard to manage. If you can't, you might have to consider letting him have his distance or even consider no contact. Dating him isn't an option unless he chooses to make it one by himself. Again, I'm really sorry for the hard situation you have. I hope that you feel better! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Keridan: Thank you for your response, I have told him that if he just wants to be friends, thats fine, but he didn't reply, if he just wants to be friends, thats okay, but what I can't deal with is that he's the one who started showing me he liked me, and continued to even after telling me he just wanted to be friends, and I can't deal with it if he tells me he just wants to be friends, but continues to play with my feelings, I need to know where I stand.. Yes, it would be extremely hard for me to see him with someone else, I'm not sure I could cope, but then, I don't think he's ready for a relationship in general, not just with me, so I'd hope when/if he is ready for one, and he still likes me, that we'd be together.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I think that you have to manage to tell him that not only will you be friends, but you absolutely won't pressure him or even bring it up. That's a key point because otherwise he will fear that it's just a matter of time. It may not work, but it's worth a shot. Express in the same message (in person if you could) that you just miss your friend right now. If he's just not ready in general, it might work out well. You never know when he will figure that out, but you have to be ready for the worst case scenario or you might end up losing the friendship. May I ask how old you two are? This is a problem I sort of had when I was younger, but it did tend to get easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Thats the thing, I'm not sure I can say that I won't bring it up, because I know he likes me, and I'll always wonder that if he's just not ready, will he change his mind? I'm 20 and he's 18.. and its both of our first relationships, and he's terrible at talking about anything seriously, he can't/won't deal with it and will avoid it/pretend it never happened.. he won't speak to me in person, when I tried to speak to him the night it happened, he lay on his bed, with a pillow covering his face, and refused to say anything.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Well, the problem is that right now, he's putting the relationship in a place that if you bring it up, he will shut down and get uncomfortable and you run into this, where he hides from you completely. To keep the friendship, you might have to sacrifice the ability to push for more. Honestly, someone that far from ready is going to be impossible to push anyway. If you do, he might react well, but it would only last until the pressure of the situation was off him. He is going to be a while. Especially if he's never gotten past it before. He sounds like he just isn't emotionally ready for much of anything. I'm obviously not there and my response is limited to what you have posted and I hope you will keep that in mind. I do advise strongly, however, that you should consider choosing only friendship, no matter how hard that is. Otherwise you may lose both. I'm sorry. I wish I had a better answer. Maybe someone else will chime in, there are some smart folks on this board. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I understand what you're saying, and it makes sense, he obviously doesn't want to talk about it, and I know he feels bad, he said on twitter the night it happened 'Well, I've learned today that I'm a d***' But even though I've tried to speak to him, and show him I'm not mad, and want to fix the friendship, and that I'm fine with just friendship, he still won't talk to me,.. So I'm wondering if thats an indicator that he's not going to speak to me again, because he doesn't want to deal with it.. I'm trying not to take it personally, because I think it is an immaturity thing, but its still hard to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I'm sure it is hard to deal with! You got hurt by a friend and a potential mate in one shot. I don't blame you at all for being upset by it. Obviously you are willing to get past it, however, and I think that's big of you. How do you contact him? Email? Text? Calls only? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I tried texting him, and I can contact him via email, I know there's no way he'll speak on the phone or in person, so those are my only options.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 For a more personal touch, can you leave a note at his house? I've done that before to get someone to talk to me. The idea is mainly to get him to understand that the pressure is off and you miss your friend, but it might take some fancy word dancing. You don't want to overdo the number of messages or he might not read them or worse, think the pressure is getting more intense. Maybe even give him a few more days before another message? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I've drafted a message to him, I'm going to email it to him, I'm worried it'll come across as stalker-ish if I went to his house, even though I've been to his house tonnes of times.. I'm going to wait until sunday evening to message him, at a time I know he isn't too busy, it will have been 5 days since this happened by then, do you think thats too soon? Last time I spoke to him was the day after it happened, and a mutual friend asked him if he'd spoken to me today... Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I think 5 days is alright if you know it's a good time. Longer wouldn't hurt, but as long as you aren't repeatedly messaging him before then, you should be okay. You might be right about taking it to the house. It was just something that worked for me, but it was a different situation. Just remember to keep the pressure off. Sounds like the guy is on a hair trigger. I'm quite honestly pullin for ya. This strikes me as a sweet first relationship set up. Just don't want ya to lose it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 I won't speak to him before then, and I guess I'll have to judge on Sunday whether or not it feels right to say it.. Thank you, I really appreciate it, I really hope things work out too!! Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I don't know him so don't know why he's reacted as he has but it could be he's not interested in romance with you at all - in which case you'll have to accept that - or that he's just too immature for a full-on relationship. It's not clear how old he is. If it's the latter, he won't know how to handle anything serious and would probably only cope with a light-hearted 'mates' type relationship until he's a little older. You may be better off looking for someone who is more mature and wanting something with commitment. You seem really keen to make it up with him and have him as just a friend if nothing else. I can't see why he won't talk to you if you haven't upset him. Have you said anything hurtful to him about all this? If not, then I guess he's unsure how to act now, having turned down a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship at this point. I know you want him back as a friend, but I would seriously think here why you feel you should be trying to get him back like this. He's not interested in the kind of relationship you are at the moment. You haven't done anything wrong other than showing him your feelings so he shouldn't be rejecting you altogether. I suspect he just feels awkward and doesn't know what to do. Rather than you trying to make amends or apologising to try to mend bridges, I'd suggest completely backing off and taking the pressure off him. Busy yourself with something else, don't contact him unless he contacts you, just stay cool and be happy doing whatever you're doing. Ignore his behaviour and just treat him in a friendly, warm manner if he does get in touch. Don't try to hang on to him though, if he does. Keep conversations a little briefer; in short, do the opposite of clinging. He needs to be made aware that everything doesn't depend on him. The point is you are taking the pressure off him and showing him that your life goes on with or without him. He can then start to think where he wants to be, rather than reacting to what he perceives as pressure from you even if that's not what you intended. If there is any true friendship between you, I am sure he will be back and trying to get in touch with you as soon as he realises you are not obsessed with him. Once he sees you have a life of your own and that it's interesting, he may well want to be included in it again. If I was you, I'd not be in too much of a hurry to bring him back in again, but just let him be. Let him realise what he's missing and even make a challenge for him to get time with you. You deserve someone who knows he wants to be with you, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thank you Spiderowl, I'm guessing its the latter, as he's 18, and never had a relationship, and I think that he does like me, and does want to be with me, but is too immature for an actual relationship, and I guess maybe he didn't realise he wasn't ready until after he'd said yes to going out with me.. I didn't say anything hurtful to him, in fact, I think I was very understanding considering I was the one who got hurt, and its my feelings he's been playing with for months... I understand about keeping the pressure off him, but at the same time, I know he's highly unlikely to contact me, even if he wants to. I know that from past experience, and seeing as he doesn't know how to handle this, he's not going to know how to handle talking to me again... I don't want to add any pressure, but I'm planning on sending him a message, no pressure in the message, but just letting him know that if he wants space etc thats fine, and letting him know I do still want to be friends.. Do you think thats likely to make things worse? I'm scared of trying to move on and be happy, because I think it would be harder to then message him at a later date... Link to post Share on other sites
Sw3etdev1L Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 First of all... he is not your best friend. Because.. you like him.. He is your crush. Second of all... he IS CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED. If he'd be interested... he would think about you and search for you, he would care for you, he would not only say yes but keep on with the YES. He is your crush and it hurts you to think, you have him so near and yet he rejects you. You should just search out for other type of friends who influence you good and make you feel good about yourself. And in a boy, search out for someone who is certain about his feelings for you and not someone who hesitates and hurts you, and says he is your friend.. Because friends don't hurt each others feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 You should just search out for other type of friends who influence you good and make you feel good about yourself. And in a boy, search out for someone who is certain about his feelings for you and not someone who hesitates and hurts you, and says he is your friend.. Because friends don't hurt each others feelings. OP, I hope this speaks to you. It's a great life lesson. When we care for someone, especially in the romantic sense, it affects our sensibilities and sometimes our boundaries. You're experiencing that right now. IMO, the healthy path is acceptance of his words and actions and leaving him to process this dynamic alone in his own way. Growing up is a process and this is part of it. It's not perfect. Sometimes it's unpleasant. That's OK. You both have learned from this. Your inquiry here is part of that. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Sw3etdev1L: He is my best friend, well, was, I didn't have a crush on him until a few months after we were best friends, and then it was a few months before I realised how much I really liked him.. It doesn't matter now though, he's decided that he thought he liked me, and now doesnt want to ever see me again because it would be too awkward, and he only wants to speak online. I tried to get him to reconsider, but well, we clearly aren't best friends then. I honestly don't know what to do or say now, this hurts so bad, he was my best friend for the past year, and a week ago we were going out, and now I can never see him again :'( Thank you to everybody who offered help Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I won't be, whats the point of being best friends and only speaking online, unless you're in seperate countries, thats stupid... I just don't know how to cope, I feel so horrible right now, a week ago he'd said yes to going out and I felt so excited and now we aren't going to see eachother again.. Its horrible as well that I still think he's lying, he always tries to avoid the problems, and makes excuses, and I don't understand how we can say 'I tried liking you in that way but it just wasn't working for me', when he cuddled me/held my hand for 4 months, of his own accord.. I didn't say anything.. :/ So it feels like he's lying about the situation because he obviously doesn't want to deal with it, and obviously then, can't deal with seeing me again.. Is it wrong of me to keep up a slight bit of hope that maybe somehow in the future we'll see eachother again/become friends, because he was such a huge part of my life for the past year, and now its really horrible thinking that we're just never going to see eachother again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author maddii Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 LoveLace: I'm glad that this has happened sooner rather than later, I mean, its been going on for 4 months, but at least he didn't keep this up then tell me after years that he's confused.. I posted another topic here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3191088#post3191088 which says a few things I'm confused about in what he told me compared to the way he acted.. if you're willing to read it and give your opinion on that also I'd appreciate it, I'm so confused right now, I know I have to just accept that right now we can't be friends or anything more, but I still feel like he's making excuses for whatever reason.. because what he told me does not fit in with how he acted.. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts