What is wrong with me???I broke NC now what?

[flowergirl77]

I feel like I must be losing my mind. I don't know what the heck I am doing!

A friend of OM was telling me that today that OM misses me so much, and just wants to talk to me to see how I am doing. He asked her to get me to call him...and I did!

I am not sure why I did it, or what I expect to gain from this. It has been over a month since beginning NC-but he has been on my mind a lot lately after it seemed to be fading away. Now I am all messed up again, and came very close with meeting him today but backed out. I want to see him...but I know that is the wrong thing to do...what is the matter with me?!??!

[half_ofa_heart]

I feel like I must be losing my mind. I don't know what the heck I am doing!

A friend of OM was telling me that today that OM misses me so much, and just wants to talk to me to see how I am doing. He asked her to get me to call him...and I did!

I am not sure why I did it, or what I expect to gain from this. It has been over a month since beginning NC-but he has been on my mind a lot lately after it seemed to be fading away. Now I am all messed up again, and came very close with meeting him today but backed out. I want to see him...but I know that is the wrong thing to do...what is the matter with me?!??!

 

Nothing wrong with you honey - You're human. Please don't meet him!!!! It is truly not worth it. You can still redeem your NC. Stick to your guns before the barrell turns on you.

[whichwayisup]

Your friend shouldn't be the middle person and involved. She shouldn't have said a word to you! I take it she knows you and exMM are in NC mode? Tell her NOT to talk to you about exMM anymore.

 

Remember why you're doing NC. Remember that exMM will only feed your ego and you will feed his, remember that the exMM isn't the great reliable guy you pumped him up to be, he has tons of issues and you even said yourself he isn't long term material, or something along those lines.

 

Remember your husband.

 

Are you going to tell your H that NC has been broken?

 

Do NOT go see exMM. Get back into NC mode. To go see or speak to exMM pointless.

[woinlove]

I feel like I must be losing my mind. I don't know what the heck I am doing!

A friend of OM was telling me that today that OM misses me so much, and just wants to talk to me to see how I am doing. He asked her to get me to call him...and I did!

I am not sure why I did it, or what I expect to gain from this. It has been over a month since beginning NC-but he has been on my mind a lot lately after it seemed to be fading away. Now I am all messed up again, and came very close with meeting him today but backed out. I want to see him...but I know that is the wrong thing to do...what is the matter with me?!??!

 

Sorry to hear that you are in such a conflicted, confused state. Do you plan on telling your H or have you already? If your H knew, he might make the decision clearer for you, either by deciding he had had enough or starting to pull back more to protect himself. This could actually be the reaction you need to decide whether you really want your M with him or not. If you keep something like this secret, it will just be another wall between you and your H, and more likely to contribute to a hollow M.

[flowergirl77]

I am feeling a little like I am losing my sanity here...

I told OM on our phone conversation that we are moving away...he said "don't leave me now!" "Youre just going to pack up and move away now?" kinda thing. It was left we might meet up later that day..when I called him to tell him I was not going to meet him, he wouldn't answer which was weird.

Later that evening my HB calls from his office..told me to pack my stuff and get out..he received an annonomus Facebook mssg telling him "had nice chat with your wife, we want to meet up"..I assume it was him b/c only one friend (other than the one who he's been talking to, knows I called him again, and I can't see her doing this..but I also can't believe OM would either!! I guess he is really bitter..and thought we would get together someday if I leave my HB..that night when HB got home things got ugly..we argued all night.

I want to confront OM on this..my HB says no way. He has given me some leeway as it was only a phone call...he is desperate to save this MG. And frankly we would both be in a very hellish situation...likely bankrupt if we D..I feel I have no choice but to stay..for that reason and the kids wellbeing. I have to make this work somehow! Should I call or email OM to blast him..or leave it alone and move on? I feel I can't leave it like this, like I need to know why he did that and what he hoped to gain from it!

[fooled once]

Leave it alone. MOVE ON.

 

You invited this back into your life and I am amazed that your H chose to give you some leeway. In his shoes, I would have kicked you to the curb. You aren't being fair to your H - either get in the marriage or get out. He is working to save it; so either work with him or tell him it is over.

[BB07]

Flowergirl........why the OM did that really shouldn't matter if you want to save your marriage. You took a big chance and you got busted, but it sounds like you are getting another chance, so what do you hope to accomplish by stirring up some more crap.

Your husband may be desperate to save it, but clearly you aren't.

You've said this guy is no good, so why are you so hell bent on destroying yourself and those that love you?

[Ellin]

I am feeling a little like I am losing my sanity here...

I told OM on our phone conversation that we are moving away...he said "don't leave me now!" "Youre just going to pack up and move away now?" kinda thing. It was left we might meet up later that day..when I called him to tell him I was not going to meet him, he wouldn't answer which was weird.

Later that evening my HB calls from his office..told me to pack my stuff and get out..he received an annonomus Facebook mssg telling him "had nice chat with your wife, we want to meet up"..I assume it was him b/c only one friend (other than the one who he's been talking to, knows I called him again, and I can't see her doing this..but I also can't believe OM would either!! I guess he is really bitter..and thought we would get together someday if I leave my HB..that night when HB got home things got ugly..we argued all night.

I want to confront OM on this..my HB says no way. He has given me some leeway as it was only a phone call...he is desperate to save this MG. And frankly we would both be in a very hellish situation...likely bankrupt if we D..I feel I have no choice but to stay..for that reason and the kids wellbeing. I have to make this work somehow! Should I call or email OM to blast him..or leave it alone and move on? I feel I can't leave it like this, like I need to know why he did that and what he hoped to gain from it!

 

Hi Flowergirl, I don't know your story but from this post your xMM's behavior looks like a nasty, calculated thing.

 

Some sort of set-up.

 

Maybe he wanted to see if he can still pull your strings. Maybe he was looking for ways to split you and your H up. Or some sort of revenge.

 

Either way - this action of his looks ugly.

[woinlove]

I am feeling a little like I am losing my sanity here...

I told OM on our phone conversation that we are moving away...he said "don't leave me now!" "Youre just going to pack up and move away now?" kinda thing. It was left we might meet up later that day..when I called him to tell him I was not going to meet him, he wouldn't answer which was weird.

Later that evening my HB calls from his office..told me to pack my stuff and get out..he received an annonomus Facebook mssg telling him "had nice chat with your wife, we want to meet up"..I assume it was him b/c only one friend (other than the one who he's been talking to, knows I called him again, and I can't see her doing this..but I also can't believe OM would either!! I guess he is really bitter..and thought we would get together someday if I leave my HB..that night when HB got home things got ugly..we argued all night.

I want to confront OM on this..my HB says no way. He has given me some leeway as it was only a phone call...he is desperate to save this MG. And frankly we would both be in a very hellish situation...likely bankrupt if we D..I feel I have no choice but to stay..for that reason and the kids wellbeing. I have to make this work somehow! Should I call or email OM to blast him..or leave it alone and move on? I feel I can't leave it like this, like I need to know why he did that and what he hoped to gain from it!

 

That answers the question of whether you told your husband. Is this how you want to treat your H and family? OM seems to be acting a bit like you. He told your H because he wants you to get kicked out so he can have you and he isn't thinking about your children or your well-being, but his addiction. It was anonymous because he doesn't want to take responsibility. Once people get deep into this deception mode, they can start to act really horrible to others and decide that they can't help themselves.

 

You can't leave it like that? Then leave your H and go talk to OM. Although it's obvious what he will say - he wants you and can't live without you.

 

Right now you say your H is desperate. Don't mistake this for not taking a toll. What you are dishing out to him is going into his emotional bank even though he is not in any position to acknowledge it fully or act on it. When he is in a stronger position, he'll be able to take stock of things. So make sure you are treating him now in a way which will give you the future you want.

[BB07]

After rereading your post flowergirl, I can't see any logical reason at all that you would tell OM that you were moving other than you wanted to get a reaction.

Your post sounds very immature, are you young?

 

You created a lot of drama.......why?

 

Again, why does this to yourself and your family over a guy who is a ****head and no good? Why so self destructive?

[whichwayisup]

You are way too concerned about your OM's feelings, what he thinks and why blah blah blah, etc, etc, etc,, more than your OWN husband. Come on Flower.

 

F.8ck the other man, forget him. FOCUS on what is infront of you. Your H.

 

DO NOT call, email, see, text, IM with the OM. He is a bloody grown man and isn't going to die if he doesn't hear from you again. The affair is OVER! Let go and move on.

 

You are very lucky your H has decided NOT to throw you out. So stop looking for reasons to STILL contact the OM. OM is playing you like a fool, too, so STOP with the ego feed, stop the fantasy feelings and stay in the now, stay in your reality. Affair is over, OM doesn't exist.

[Bittersweetie]

You are very lucky your H has decided NOT to throw you out.

 

I agree, you are very lucky. After D-day my H made it crystal clear that if there was any kind of contact in any kind of way he was out the door...especially if he found out it about elsewhere. I have no doubt he would've followed up on it, and still would to this day.

 

It sounds like you need to decide which way to go and stick to the decision.

[lostandhopeful]

FG77,

 

I have read most of your other posts and signed up just so I could tell you how big of a mistake you could be making.

 

I was in a very similar situation four years ago. I had a strictly EA, no physical contact. I thought I was in love with OM and I though that I was sure I couldn't get myself past him, or how I felt around him. I tried to do the NC thing but I just couldn't do it, I kept breaking the promise to myself and my husband and our 4 year old son. I was making myself crazy. My H almost went crazy with me. He just couldn't understand why I couldn't move past someone, who as it turns out was manipulating me and who I didn't really know. In the end I realized that I could have talked to any man, perhaps made a connection with them, but it was my husband who ultimately stood by me and was really there for me. That is what really counts in life, who is there for you at your worst and at your best.

 

My H finally had enough and took our son and left. He told me where he was going and didn't keep my son from me, he just wanted to protect himself and our son. With the way I was treating him and acting around him I probably deserved it. I had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized for depression and other things. Once I really thought about what was going on, got through the affair fog.

 

My H was by my side the whole time. From your other posts it sounds like your H is now a pretty good husband, like you say, one that other woman would be jealous of. Take it from me, good H are hard to find. I almost lost my family and my H and I thankful every day that my H is the man he is.

 

It has taken a lot of work for our marriage to get back on track but it was well worth it. You ay want to start with the book His Needs, Her Needs, or something like that. Start somewhere with your H.

 

Remember when you start thinking of the OM that any man who would knowingly continue in an affair with a woman who has children and a family will not be there for you at your worst. Very few relationships that start from an affair last. This is not something that is meant to be.

 

Just read the advice you have been given and know that others have been through this and come out on the other side. You will get past this, in time.

[flowergirl77]

FG77,

 

I have read most of your other posts and signed up just so I could tell you how big of a mistake you could be making.

 

I was in a very similar situation four years ago. I had a strictly EA, no physical contact. I thought I was in love with OM and I though that I was sure I couldn't get myself past him, or how I felt around him. I tried to do the NC thing but I just couldn't do it, I kept breaking the promise to myself and my husband and our 4 year old son. I was making myself crazy. My H almost went crazy with me. He just couldn't understand why I couldn't move past someone, who as it turns out was manipulating me and who I didn't really know. In the end I realized that I could have talked to any man, perhaps made a connection with them, but it was my husband who ultimately stood by me and was really there for me. That is what really counts in life, who is there for you at your worst and at your best.

 

My H finally had enough and took our son and left. He told me where he was going and didn't keep my son from me, he just wanted to protect himself and our son. With the way I was treating him and acting around him I probably deserved it. I had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized for depression and other things. Once I really thought about what was going on, got through the affair fog.

 

My H was by my side the whole time. From your other posts it sounds like your H is now a pretty good husband, like you say, one that other woman would be jealous of. Take it from me, good H are hard to find. I almost lost my family and my H and I thankful every day that my H is the man he is.

 

It has taken a lot of work for our marriage to get back on track but it was well worth it. You ay want to start with the book His Needs, Her Needs, or something like that. Start somewhere with your H.

 

Remember when you start thinking of the OM that any man who would knowingly continue in an affair with a woman who has children and a family will not be there for you at your worst. Very few relationships that start from an affair last. This is not something that is meant to be.

 

Just read the advice you have been given and know that others have been through this and come out on the other side. You will get past this, in time.

 

Thank you for taking the time to message me...that is exactly how I feel, like I just can not get past this thing. As crazy as it sounds to those looking from the outside..it is like he has some sort of crazy hold on me. I can't forget about him, and I am convinced that my MG must be over b/c I can't do what I must do to repair our MG.

My HB is much like you discribe yours to be..I have been on the brink of an emotional breakdown a few times over this..I feel like I am losing my grip. My HB is very worried about me, and says he feels he wants to run away from all of this, but sees i am not the woman I used to be, and that I am not thinking clearly. I have wondered if I belong in the hospital because I can barely cope and function some days. I see that contacting OM again has definately set me back...and now all I can do is think about this crap again, and how I can contact OM again..it is crazy making, and I wonder too what is keeping my HB from kicking me out...how he is putting up with this. He is not doing well emotionally either, and is trying to hold this all together.

[flowergirl77]

After rereading your post flowergirl, I can't see any logical reason at all that you would tell OM that you were moving other than you wanted to get a reaction.

Your post sounds very immature, are you young?

 

You created a lot of drama.......why?

 

Again, why does this to yourself and your family over a guy who is a ****head and no good? Why so self destructive?

 

 

I just felt I had to tell him so I didn't leave him hanging any longer waiting around for me. Self destructive- yes I guess that is what all of this is. I have no answer as to why...but I am trying to find the answer. I don't understand myself at all.

[KickinCowgirl]

Flowergirl - I'm in a similar situation so I totally understand how you are feeling about not being able to 'get past it' ...I'm curious if the 'he' has been back in contact yet...?

[flowergirl77]

Flowergirl - I'm in a similar situation so I totally understand how you are feeling about not being able to 'get past it' ...I'm curious if the 'he' has been back in contact yet...?

 

Nope..not at all. In fact this whole period of NC I initiated, not one attempt to contact me..other than through my friend.

[lostandhopeful]

Thank you for taking the time to message me...that is exactly how I feel, like I just can not get past this thing. As crazy as it sounds to those looking from the outside..it is like he has some sort of crazy hold on me. I can't forget about him, and I am convinced that my MG must be over b/c I can't do what I must do to repair our MG.

My HB is much like you discribe yours to be..I have been on the brink of an emotional breakdown a few times over this..I feel like I am losing my grip. My HB is very worried about me, and says he feels he wants to run away from all of this, but sees i am not the woman I used to be, and that I am not thinking clearly. I have wondered if I belong in the hospital because I can barely cope and function some days. I see that contacting OM again has definately set me back...and now all I can do is think about this crap again, and how I can contact OM again..it is crazy making, and I wonder too what is keeping my HB from kicking me out...how he is putting up with this. He is not doing well emotionally either, and is trying to hold this all together.

 

Oh FG77,

 

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar hell that I went through. It is a terrible place to be and it felt like I would never get out of it. I did, and I if it wasn't for my H, I may have ended up in the loonie bin!

 

You absolutely must not contact the OM ever again, even if your husband leaves you. It will be like poison in your veins and will destroy you. There is nothing positive that will come of it. How could you even enjoy it when you know that it caused the loss of your family and marriage? I believe you mentioned that you had children. Would you want them to do the same to their H or W in the future?

 

I believe that you are lost in the affair fog. It makes you feel crazy and act in ways that are outside of your normal character.

 

Your H will likely not take this much longer and is probably looking for ways to get himself and the children out of this mess. Is it worth it to you to lose everything for insanity?

 

Take care FG77 and be strong withiin yourself and believe in your H and the love you once shared. It can come back, even stronger than before.

[flowergirl77]

Lost..thanks for that. I am trying to figure out why I feel so insane!! This is NOT ME!! My husband doesn't recognize the woman I have become over this affair-it has near destroyed me..but yet I want it at the same time. I feel moving away is the only answer to truly start over...

[Owl]

FG...I get the impression that you want your husband to reach his limit and kick you out...so that you have the 'excuse' to go be with OM freely.

 

I say, time for you to take responsibility...which you've dodged this entire time.

 

If you want OM...tell your H that it's over, and leave him. Take active measures to start divorce and free your husband...without making HIM be the one to choose for you.

 

If you want your H...tell OM that it's over, and take active measures to remove him from your life permanently...and take active measures to rebuild your marriage and show your husband that you chose him.

 

Stop sitting there hoping someone will choose for you.

 

It's the worst possible move, and the one designed to inflict the most emotional devestation to either or both men.

 

"Girl up"...and start acting like an adult.

 

Realize I don't have a vested interest in which man you choose...but YOU need to choose, and do something about that choice....RIGHT NOW!

 

So...who's it going to be?

[flowergirl77]

OWL: You are right, perhaps I am too scared to make the choice myself. I can see that is part of it for sure.

 

If I felt love for my HB it would make this so much easier..but I don't have the feeling there that I feel should be there to recommit and rebuild a lifelong partnership. We have beautiful children, a house, 2 shiny vehicles, and nice things-but the feeling is long gone (for me). If I am honest with myself, I know that if I had a secure job/income (looking for a job), my own vehicle (I would lose mine in the separation) a and knew I would be able to set up a second home for my kids-I feel I would leave. For myself and my HB sake.

This is my reality: I have no place to go, no job, and will walk out of here to catch a bus to nowhere. I have had a couple offers from friends for temp places to stay, but could not have my kids while staying with other people, and no way to get around town to see and pick up my kids, no furniture even when I do find my own place, and half of a s*** load of debt we have accrued together that I will be responsible for..I feel so stuck. I feel I have no choice but to stay, like I will end up living in a dumpy place with no money and no vehicle...but we are both miserable, and I know this can't go on.

 

The OM would be nothing but a transition for me, I know that-more of a catalyst for the D..so I wouldn't leave to go be with him..I would leave to start a new life and set my HB free...I feel like I am in a hell of my own creation and don't know what to do to get out of it..I am so mixed up.

[KickinCowgirl]

The OM would be nothing but a transition for me, I know that-more of a catalyst for the D..so I wouldn't leave to go be with him..I would leave to start a new life and set my HB free...I feel like I am in a hell of my own creation and don't know what to do to get out of it..I am so mixed up.

 

 

I kinda just skimmed through some of the replies but I feel so bad for you right now... I understand how you feel and I'm sorry. But don't hate on yourself...this is such a sucky hard thing to go through ... and I do know what its like I"m going through it now. I can't agree that you really did do this all of your own making because it does take the other person to let it happen as well. (the OM)

But as far as not having anywhere to go and not having the money to do it, I totally get it and with kids how can you without destroying everything. But the on the same hand its like living in a miserable fog.

 

 

I'm curious how you handle when OM does make contact... thats what I have a problem with right now...thats when I fall to pieces.

 

[lostandhopeful]

OWL: You are right, perhaps I am too scared to make the choice myself. I can see that is part of it for sure.

 

If I felt love for my HB it would make this so much easier..but I don't have the feeling there that I feel should be there to recommit and rebuild a lifelong partnership. We have beautiful children, a house, 2 shiny vehicles, and nice things-but the feeling is long gone (for me). If I am honest with myself, I know that if I had a secure job/income (looking for a job), my own vehicle (I would lose mine in the separation) a and knew I would be able to set up a second home for my kids-I feel I would leave. For myself and my HB sake.

This is my reality: I have no place to go, no job, and will walk out of here to catch a bus to nowhere. I have had a couple offers from friends for temp places to stay, but could not have my kids while staying with other people, and no way to get around town to see and pick up my kids, no furniture even when I do find my own place, and half of a s*** load of debt we have accrued together that I will be responsible for..I feel so stuck. I feel I have no choice but to stay, like I will end up living in a dumpy place with no money and no vehicle...but we are both miserable, and I know this can't go on.

 

The OM would be nothing but a transition for me, I know that-more of a catalyst for the D..so I wouldn't leave to go be with him..I would leave to start a new life and set my HB free...I feel like I am in a hell of my own creation and don't know what to do to get out of it..I am so mixed up.

 

FG77,

 

I respect your honesty, but I do think that you are very clearly mixed up in the affair fog. It is as if your words are my own. I was in a very similar place that you are in, financially and emotionally. I wanted to run and get a new beginning. I was totally lost in the delusion. Everything you are feeling right now is altered by this chemical reaction in your brain. I read so many books after my EA and learned so much that I can see that I was messed up.

 

I almost lost my children and my loving, devoted husband. I can't imagine that you would really want to do that. If I could beg on here, I would beg you to "woman-up" as Owl said and get through the other side of this. There is an end to this and hope.

 

I also felt like my feelings were dead for my H, they weren't, they were just lost inside of my turmoil. After I came out of my fog, I saw my husband for who he was and I found my love for him. It took a lot of work for us, but we did it.

 

If you want to set your H free, free him with your heart. Try to be present with him. If you think of the OM, immediately do something to change your thought pattern. Your life is being clouded by an obsession.

 

I wish I could have had access to these forums when I was going through my hell, it would have helped me. We have no personal interest in you, some of us have just been through this and know where you are at. We want to help you through this.

 

Trust your H, love your kids and yourself. Set yourself free from the pain and turmoil.

 

When your H gets home from work or school, just hug him and hold on a little longer. Tonight when the kids are in bed, grab him and take him to your room and let yourself go with him. It may sound impossible, but it will help. As a first step, just allow yourself to be vulnerable to him.

[Owl]

OWL: You are right, perhaps I am too scared to make the choice myself. I can see that is part of it for sure.

 

If I felt love for my HB it would make this so much easier..but I don't have the feeling there that I feel should be there to recommit and rebuild a lifelong partnership. We have beautiful children, a house, 2 shiny vehicles, and nice things-but the feeling is long gone (for me). If I am honest with myself, I know that if I had a secure job/income (looking for a job), my own vehicle (I would lose mine in the separation) a and knew I would be able to set up a second home for my kids-I feel I would leave. For myself and my HB sake.

This is my reality: I have no place to go, no job, and will walk out of here to catch a bus to nowhere. I have had a couple offers from friends for temp places to stay, but could not have my kids while staying with other people, and no way to get around town to see and pick up my kids, no furniture even when I do find my own place, and half of a s*** load of debt we have accrued together that I will be responsible for..I feel so stuck. I feel I have no choice but to stay, like I will end up living in a dumpy place with no money and no vehicle...but we are both miserable, and I know this can't go on.

 

The OM would be nothing but a transition for me, I know that-more of a catalyst for the D..so I wouldn't leave to go be with him..I would leave to start a new life and set my HB free...I feel like I am in a hell of my own creation and don't know what to do to get out of it..I am so mixed up.

 

So your options are:

 

1. Reconcile with your H and hope that you can find that love you feel you should have for him...and losing OM out of your life (but also with the knowledge that he's never going to be a permanent thing..."The OM would be nothing but a transition for me").

 

2. Tell your H that you don't love him the way you feel that you should, start seperating, and take the risk of living "in a dumpy place with no money and no vehicle".

 

3. Sit passively and wait for option 1 or option 2 to happen to you without your decision or control.

 

I'm sorry FG...but I don't get it.

 

You don't love your H, you don't love your OM, you're not happy with your life as it is but you're not willing to make a change to try to make it better.

 

From my perspective...if you're not happy with where you're at today, you make a change to hope that tomorrow is better. Sitting there waiting for change to happen on it's own means that you're probably NOT going to end up with a better tomorrow.

 

Re-read my signature.

 

Choose a goal.

 

Develop a plan on how to reach your goal.

 

Implement your plan.

 

It starts with choosing, and then taking action. My wife faced the same dilemma after d-day in our situation six years ago. Our first MC told her the same thing. Nothing will get better until you make a choice. Your marriage won't get better, your relationship with OM won't get better...nothing changes until you choose to change it.

 

Seriously...make a choice to make your life better. WHICHEVER choice that turns out to be.

[flowergirl77]

OWL: You are very wise..

 

Problem is..I have no idea where to start! Read a book on how to rebuild my MG even though my heart is not there, look for a job and buy my own vehicle, get my financial situation in a better position in case it doesn't work out? Move away as we are considering and hope we can start over in a new city? Go stay with a friend for a week and really think it over? (HB doesn't want to do this b/c he thinks i will run to OM while I have this time, and he is probably right) I am all over the place..and do not know what to do. I know I need to decide something-but what? Where to begin?