What is wrong with me???I broke NC now what?

[bestplayer]

OWL: You are very wise..

 

Problem is..I have no idea where to start! Read a book on how to rebuild my MG even though my heart is not there, look for a job and buy my own vehicle, get my financial situation in a better position in case it doesn't work out? Move away as we are considering and hope we can start over in a new city? Go stay with a friend for a week and really think it over? (HB doesn't want to do this b/c he thinks i will run to OM while I have this time, and he is probably right) I am all over the place..and do not know what to do. I know I need to decide something-but what? Where to begin?

 

Begin by divorcing your H & then going back to OM . I am sure it would sound like the best option to you ?

 

Best of luck

[lostandhopeful]

OWL: You are very wise..

 

Problem is..I have no idea where to start! Read a book on how to rebuild my MG even though my heart is not there, look for a job and buy my own vehicle, get my financial situation in a better position in case it doesn't work out? Move away as we are considering and hope we can start over in a new city? Go stay with a friend for a week and really think it over? (HB doesn't want to do this b/c he thinks i will run to OM while I have this time, and he is probably right) I am all over the place..and do not know what to do. I know I need to decide something-but what? Where to begin?

 

Run to your H. It sounds like you have nothing to lose by doing that and everything to lose by not doing it. At least give it a try. Free your H with your heart. Owl is right, life is about choices and once you make a choice, commit to it. Reading a book is a good start, but I firmly believe actions speak louder than words. Just do as I say, tonight, while you are in this turmoil, turn to your husband for comofrt and excitement, take him into your room for some, well action. If you do, be passionate about it and let yourself go with it. Make the choice for your family, be passionate with your H, and build a marriage.

 

I have been where you are and I wish someone would have shaken me or thrown a glass of cold water in my face to wake me up out of my obsession.

 

Sending a prayer for you and your H and children your way.

[Owl]

OWL: You are very wise..

 

Problem is..I have no idea where to start! Read a book on how to rebuild my MG even though my heart is not there, look for a job and buy my own vehicle, get my financial situation in a better position in case it doesn't work out? Move away as we are considering and hope we can start over in a new city? Go stay with a friend for a week and really think it over? (HB doesn't want to do this b/c he thinks i will run to OM while I have this time, and he is probably right) I am all over the place..and do not know what to do. I know I need to decide something-but what? Where to begin?

 

You know...it's funny that you should ask and mention the specific things that you did. These are pretty much EXACTLY what I told my wife to do when she was going through this same 'process' you are!

 

It took about 3-4 weeks after d-day before my wife TRULY made her choice to stay and reconcile. Oh, she'd claimed that she had...but then remained in contact with OM, waffled back and forth, etc...

 

And I told her that if she wanted to leave me, then I would accept that. But if she was going to do so...she should do so in style, on her own terms, rather than running FROM me TO him.

 

During those first few weeks, I helped her redo her resume, start looking for jobs, start looking at apartments.

 

We were talking about a short term seperation.

 

But when I realized that she really intended to keep me AND him in her life...I drew the line. She was looking at apartments with a year lease, minimum. When I asked, she stated that she figured that our seperation would last at least that long...and I told her that if she wanted to be gone from our marriage that long, I wouldn't wait for her. I wanted a divorce now, rather than give her a year to explore her options with OM first.

 

When she realized she was going to lose me completely, totally from her life, that was the day she made her choice.

 

You need to wake up, and realize that you WILL LOSE ONE OF THEM, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

 

You don't get to keep both in some capacity or another.

 

You absolutely are going to have to choose one or the other.

 

Which one can you NOT live without in your life, forever?

 

Do you see yourself still being friends with your H 10 years from now? Or do you see yourself still in contact with OM 10 years from now?

 

Sorry for the tangent. But my advice as to 'start' down any path is to fix your financial situation with your H and marriage. Get a better job if you need to, figure out transportation if you decide to seperate. That's all fine, and benefits you regardless of which choice you make.

 

But on the relationship front, you need to seriously sit down, take stock, and actually THINK and FEEL which man is the one who's going to be in your life forever. Who do you really grow old with? Who's going to love you when you can't walk, be there for you when things go really wrong?

 

How do you take that first step? Stop, search your heart and your mind, and see who is actually the one you're going to be with long term. You already know...but your desire to keep BOTH in your life is preventing you from seeing it clearly.

 

Which man is going to cherish you long term?

 

Figure that out...then choose. The gameplan works itself out from there.

[flowergirl77]

Ok, Ok...some of oyu have me convinced I am in a state of "stupidity" because of my affair. I guess I thought that after a month of NC I would be on my way past this whole thing...but the minute my friend was talking about how he asks about me etc..it got my "juices flowing" and I felt I HAD to talk to him again. It was like I was taken over by another force stronger than my own resolve.

So now I feel this mess is not all b/c of the affair, it must be that my MG is over.All of you who are saying I am in "THE FOG", and my HB saying the same thing..it is making me wonder if that is what it is. This affair has changed me completely..I am not the same woman..my values have gone right out the window...

I am holding back from my HB though, because I think in the back of my mind...I miss OM, or something he once said or did will pop into my head. Or if HB says or does something in a similar way OM did it triggers memories and I start to doubt myself again...it is soooo messed up. Keep the encouraging words coming.....I am taking it all in, and am printing out some of them to read when I feel I want to contact OM..or when I am thinking of him. Thanks all for your kind and understanding words....it IS helping!

[flowergirl77]

You know...it's funny that you should ask and mention the specific things that you did. These are pretty much EXACTLY what I told my wife to do when she was going through this same 'process' you are!

 

It took about 3-4 weeks after d-day before my wife TRULY made her choice to stay and reconcile. Oh, she'd claimed that she had...but then remained in contact with OM, waffled back and forth, etc...

 

And I told her that if she wanted to leave me, then I would accept that. But if she was going to do so...she should do so in style, on her own terms, rather than running FROM me TO him.

 

During those first few weeks, I helped her redo her resume, start looking for jobs, start looking at apartments.

 

We were talking about a short term seperation.

 

But when I realized that she really intended to keep me AND him in her life...I drew the line. She was looking at apartments with a year lease, minimum. When I asked, she stated that she figured that our seperation would last at least that long...and I told her that if she wanted to be gone from our marriage that long, I wouldn't wait for her. I wanted a divorce now, rather than give her a year to explore her options with OM first.

 

When she realized she was going to lose me completely, totally from her life, that was the day she made her choice.

 

You need to wake up, and realize that you WILL LOSE ONE OF THEM, TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FROM YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

 

You don't get to keep both in some capacity or another.

 

You absolutely are going to have to choose one or the other.

 

Which one can you NOT live without in your life, forever?

 

Do you see yourself still being friends with your H 10 years from now? Or do you see yourself still in contact with OM 10 years from now?

 

Sorry for the tangent. But my advice as to 'start' down any path is to fix your financial situation with your H and marriage. Get a better job if you need to, figure out transportation if you decide to seperate. That's all fine, and benefits you regardless of which choice you make.

 

But on the relationship front, you need to seriously sit down, take stock, and actually THINK and FEEL which man is the one who's going to be in your life forever. Who do you really grow old with? Who's going to love you when you can't walk, be there for you when things go really wrong?

 

How do you take that first step? Stop, search your heart and your mind, and see who is actually the one you're going to be with long term. You already know...but your desire to keep BOTH in your life is preventing you from seeing it clearly.

 

Which man is going to cherish you long term?

 

Figure that out...then choose. The gameplan works itself out from there.

 

Well..for sure the person out of the two I would know would be there for me is my H as I don't know OM very well to know for sure. But I guess where I am torn is am I to move on without either of them? That is the question...but something my H said is sticking in my mind...yes I could leave, start a new life etc. or I could decide I have way too much to lose, stay and build a wonderful marriage like we have never had.

 

Another aspect to this that complicates it even further-I have a 13 yo son that my HB has raised with me since he was 3-and we have two young daughters together, so my son would be really messed up with a potential second stepfather down the road, as well as his biological father-and that is enough to freak me right into staying and making it work.

 

Thanks for the perspective.

[flowergirl77]

I kinda just skimmed through some of the replies but I feel so bad for you right now... I understand how you feel and I'm sorry. But don't hate on yourself...this is such a sucky hard thing to go through ... and I do know what its like I"m going through it now. I can't agree that you really did do this all of your own making because it does take the other person to let it happen as well. (the OM)

But as far as not having anywhere to go and not having the money to do it, I totally get it and with kids how can you without destroying everything. But the on the same hand its like living in a miserable fog.

 

 

I'm curious how you handle when OM does make contact... thats what I have a problem with right now...thats when I fall to pieces.

 

 

 

 

Luckily OM does not make contact..it was me who broke NC after 6 weeks. If he did keep C me it would really screw me up big time!

[half_ofa_heart]

Luckily OM does not make contact..it was me who broke NC after 6 weeks. If he did keep C me it would really screw me up big time!

 

You are SOOOOOOOO right on with that one! I know that if my MM just stayed NC when I tried ending it - I know I could have been successful. It was the pleading and the professions of love that make it IMPOSSIBLE to end it. They tell you everything you want to hear just to keep you where they want you.

[flowergirl77]

You are SOOOOOOOO right on with that one! I know that if my MM just stayed NC when I tried ending it - I know I could have been successful. It was the pleading and the professions of love that make it IMPOSSIBLE to end it. They tell you everything you want to hear just to keep you where they want you.

 

 

Well maybe he didn't want me that badly then! I am the sucker I guess.

[half_ofa_heart]

Well maybe he didn't want me that badly then! I am the sucker I guess.

 

OR - he cared about you enough to respect your wishes!!! That's the way I see it. My MM obviously cares about HIS OWN needs more than mine. No matter how much I pleaded with him to please stay away, he would come back - no more than 4 days later - stating he just missed me too much.

 

Focus on YOU Baby! Who gives a crap about him?

[whichwayisup]

You broke contact, but OM asked a friend to talk to you. He reached out and contacted you through a friend. TELL that friend not to tell you anything about OM.

 

Somehow you need to pop the fantasy bubble. That's what it is. Realistically you KNOW the OM is no prize, you aren't inlove with him, you're in lust and addicted to the feelings he brought out in you. You don't know him, yet you are about to lose everything as you know it because of the affair fog.

 

GO talk to a therapist, now. A marriage counsellor..Go on your own, then when you're ready, invite your H to come with you. He should go on his own too as I'm sure he has stuff he needs to talk to and sort out as well.

 

Flower, you're so close to losing everything, I really hope for the sake of your kids you do everything possible to reconnect with your H and save your marriage..Atleast if in a year or so it doesn't work out, you'll know you tried. to leave and then later have regret, want your family back under one roof,, it may be too late by then.

 

Again, go to counseling, you need it badly!

[lostandhopeful]

Well..for sure the person out of the two I would know would be there for me is my H as I don't know OM very well to know for sure. But I guess where I am torn is am I to move on without either of them? That is the question...but something my H said is sticking in my mind...yes I could leave, start a new life etc. or I could decide I have way too much to lose, stay and build a wonderful marriage like we have never had.

 

Another aspect to this that complicates it even further-I have a 13 yo son that my HB has raised with me since he was 3-and we have two young daughters together, so my son would be really messed up with a potential second stepfather down the road, as well as his biological father-and that is enough to freak me right into staying and making it work.

 

Thanks for the perspective.

 

I feel like I am reading my own words when you write FG. I was once so confused that I couldn't see what end was up, much like you. With what you have said, I think you know what you must do, and want to do.

 

Not many men would take on the step-father role like your H has. Your H sounds like a good man.

 

If you take one thing away from my messages, let it be this:

 

Dump the OM, get out of the fog, and hold on to your H and kids for dear life. When the fog clears you will be very happy to have your H and family with you. If you stay in the fog and go to the dark side, you will be left with nothing and will just be a shell.

 

My DH once told me the hardest part for him was that he had to just stand back while I almost destroyed myself. My H loved me through it all and I am glad for it today. I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

[Snowflower]

I feel like I am reading my own words when you write FG. I was once so confused that I couldn't see what end was up, much like you. With what you have said, I think you know what you must do, and want to do.

 

Not many men would take on the step-father role like your H has. Your H sounds like a good man.

 

If you take one thing away from my messages, let it be this:

 

Dump the OM, get out of the fog, and hold on to your H and kids for dear life. When the fog clears you will be very happy to have your H and family with you. If you stay in the fog and go to the dark side, you will be left with nothing and will just be a shell.

 

My DH once told me the hardest part for him was that he had to just stand back while I almost destroyed myself. My H loved me through it all and I am glad for it today. I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

 

This is a powerful post; I hope the OP will find it helpful. Thanks for posting.

[flowergirl77]

I feel like I am reading my own words when you write FG. I was once so confused that I couldn't see what end was up, much like you. With what you have said, I think you know what you must do, and want to do.

 

Not many men would take on the step-father role like your H has. Your H sounds like a good man.

 

If you take one thing away from my messages, let it be this:

 

Dump the OM, get out of the fog, and hold on to your H and kids for dear life. When the fog clears you will be very happy to have your H and family with you. If you stay in the fog and go to the dark side, you will be left with nothing and will just be a shell.

 

My DH once told me the hardest part for him was that he had to just stand back while I almost destroyed myself. My H loved me through it all and I am glad for it today. I guess I am one of the lucky ones.

 

Wow...your words have impact. I feel you understand what I am up against. It is very powerful..feels stronger than I am. It is the dark side, that is for sure. I am going to take your advice and cling to my H when I feel like I want to C the OM...and the part once the kids are in bed!

[flowergirl77]

I told HB last night I want to move away from this A, and get out of the turmoil, and take steps to build a connection with him. As I was saying it, I was still doubting myself, b/c it feels a bit artificial...but I am going to "act as if" and see where that takes me. My feelings change like the weather these days, I feel I can not even trust myself because it will change again! It's nuts...

I took the initiative to be 'intimate' with HB last night-but it just doesn't feel right..like I am not really there and enjoying it..almost awkward. He says he feels I am not there...so if this is the case, I wonder if we should leave that part out for now..let the good feelings return (if they are going to). I have a real issue with having sex when I really don't want to...it feels forced and I feel resentful a bit...so that is an area I am unsure of.

 

HB is taking the kids away to see family this weekend so I can have time to myself..I just have to stay strong and not give into temptation...remember how great of a HB I have..stay away from the dark side. Going to make some calls today to find a job.

[half_ofa_heart]

Good for you Flowergirl!!!! Focus on YOU and making YOU feel like everything the OM was making you feel. Find the Flowergirl within and let her bloom. Listen to the song by Katy Perry - Firework, it makes me feel like I can overcome just about anything.

 

Big Hugs

Heart

[lostandhopeful]

I told HB last night I want to move away from this A, and get out of the turmoil, and take steps to build a connection with him. As I was saying it, I was still doubting myself, b/c it feels a bit artificial...but I am going to "act as if" and see where that takes me. My feelings change like the weather these days, I feel I can not even trust myself because it will change again! It's nuts...

I took the initiative to be 'intimate' with HB last night-but it just doesn't feel right..like I am not really there and enjoying it..almost awkward. He says he feels I am not there...so if this is the case, I wonder if we should leave that part out for now..let the good feelings return (if they are going to). I have a real issue with having sex when I really don't want to...it feels forced and I feel resentful a bit...so that is an area I am unsure of.

 

HB is taking the kids away to see family this weekend so I can have time to myself..I just have to stay strong and not give into temptation...remember how great of a HB I have..stay away from the dark side. Going to make some calls today to find a job.

 

One step at a time FG and good for you for making that first step. It is going to take work and time from both of you. I felt that the first steps back to my husband were the actions that I took to build love for him. Actions always mean more than words. There were times that it felt forced and awkward, but in time it became natural and made me feel good.

 

The intimacy part will come FG. It takes time and effort. I know that it will be hard, but try to let yourself go in the moments you have with your H. I just tried to trust my H and go with the feelings of it. Those moments are meant to be shared FG. Share them with your H. It was hard for me, but I just fell into my H.

 

Keep on the right track FG and you will come out of this.

 

Blessings to you.

[whichwayisup]

I told HB last night I want to move away from this A, and get out of the turmoil, and take steps to build a connection with him. As I was saying it, I was still doubting myself, b/c it feels a bit artificial...but I am going to "act as if" and see where that takes me. My feelings change like the weather these days, I feel I can not even trust myself because it will change again! It's nuts...

I took the initiative to be 'intimate' with HB last night-but it just doesn't feel right..like I am not really there and enjoying it..almost awkward. He says he feels I am not there...so if this is the case, I wonder if we should leave that part out for now..let the good feelings return (if they are going to). I have a real issue with having sex when I really don't want to...it feels forced and I feel resentful a bit...so that is an area I am unsure of.

 

HB is taking the kids away to see family this weekend so I can have time to myself..I just have to stay strong and not give into temptation...remember how great of a HB I have..stay away from the dark side. Going to make some calls today to find a job.

 

Dont rush the sex stuff. Take that slow and just be intimate in the sense of kissing, cuddling and massages, holding eachother. It doesn't have to lead to physical sex, even more so since you're not ready.

 

DO NOT call OM while your H is away with the kids. If you do, you might as well throw in the towel and separate.

[Owl]

I told HB last night I want to move away from this A, and get out of the turmoil, and take steps to build a connection with him. As I was saying it, I was still doubting myself, b/c it feels a bit artificial...but I am going to "act as if" and see where that takes me. My feelings change like the weather these days, I feel I can not even trust myself because it will change again! It's nuts...

I took the initiative to be 'intimate' with HB last night-but it just doesn't feel right..like I am not really there and enjoying it..almost awkward. He says he feels I am not there...so if this is the case, I wonder if we should leave that part out for now..let the good feelings return (if they are going to). I have a real issue with having sex when I really don't want to...it feels forced and I feel resentful a bit...so that is an area I am unsure of.

 

HB is taking the kids away to see family this weekend so I can have time to myself..I just have to stay strong and not give into temptation...remember how great of a HB I have..stay away from the dark side. Going to make some calls today to find a job.

 

If you want to give your marriage a chance...this is the exact WRONG time for you to take time alone!!!!!!!

 

I can't stress that enough.

 

You know you're weak. You know that you're likely to give in and contact OM.

 

Then don't put yourself at that risk!!!!!!!!!

 

Tell your H the truth...tell him that you're worried you might contact OM. Ask him NOT to go with the kids, but instead spend time working on things with you.

 

You don't give a recovering addict time alone to seek out their addiction.

 

That's exactly where you're at right now.

 

It sounds to me like you've made a choice.

 

If so, then you need to build a plan on how to reach your goal of reconciling your marriage.

 

That means that you need to ensure that OM is out of your life...permanently. You need to send him an email...telling him that it's over, and that you're working on your marriage, and let him know that contact between you is ended. You need to copy your H, make it clear that you're working WITH him now rather than against him.

 

And you and your H need to develop a plan on HOW you're going to rebulid your marriage. Marriage counseling is a good start. Blocking OM and removing him from your contact pathways, as well as giving your H full access and knowledge to how you and OM USED TO communicate are even better.

 

Let your H help you become accountable for breaking NC.

 

Take active measures to fix things, even if you're heart isn't "over" OM yet.

 

But do NOT let yourself get into a position where you're NOT accountable to someone...like this weekend.

[lostandhopeful]

Owl, you make some excellent points. Points that FG should probably listen to.

 

Maybe you can go away as a family and use the time to help in the re-connect process?

[flowergirl77]

I see your point OWL..however I really, really need this time alone. I never ever get a weekend to myself. I want to get out of this craziness and I know the only way is to not contact the OM...hard as that is.

 

What I don't get, and am getting really frustrated with myself is this:

Knowing what I know...how bad this is for me, my marriage, and family. That OM just wanted to get with me, and threw me under the bus, so to speak, by telling HB I called him..how he is NOT someone I would be with in a LTR because we have many differences..we could not have a life together..WHY, WHY, WHY can't I leave this alone? I keep thinking of all of the stuff we talked about doing together and know we would have great times together...but not under these circumstances. I do know I could not continue to sneak around and see OM behind my HB back..I do not have it in me to live such a lie. That is what stops me..as well as looking at my children, thinking of what it would do to them if our family breaks up. This is pure insanity, and I feel like I have lost mine completely!

Why can't I forget about him!!??

[Owl]

Well, I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like. Something that NO WS (wayward spouse) likes/wants to hear/believes...until they're on the backside of this whole mess. Then they can look back at it and clearly see the truth...but until that point, most fight what I'm about to say tooth and nail.

 

Affairs ARE addictive. Emotionally, psychologically addictive.

 

The "high" you got from your interaction with OM was very, very much like the "high" people get from most psychologically addictive substances.

 

Your brain is acting the same way too...releasing the same chemicals it would if you were taking one of those substances instead.

 

Bottom line, up front.

 

You're addicted to him, and right now you're suffering "withdrawls" due to the end of the relationship just the same as if you were going "cold turkey" off or one of those substances. Same effects...stress, loss of appetite, mood swings, etc...

 

The GOOD news about it is that it won't last, as long as you don't continue to feed the addiction.

 

It does taper off, it does get better with time and distance. Especially with the help of friends/family and your H.

 

And just like those other substances, that's the ONLY way to break the addiction. Cold turkey, deal with the addiction, and work through the end of it.

 

I'm going to tell you...as much as you WANT this time alone...you've got to ask yourself how much of it is motivated by the inside knowledge that it's your CHANCE to sneak in some contact with OM???

 

I'm still insistent that this is a BAD, BAD IDEA.

 

If I were your H...it wouldn't happen. You'd have the choice of working to rebuild the marriage, or having that time to go see OM. My wife wanted somethign similar in the first stages of our situation....turns out she was planning on seeing OM.

 

I figured that's what it was...and cancelled my plans.

 

I don't know if you know my story. Basically my wife got involved in an EA with a man she met online...was all set to go live with him after d-day...some last minute action on my part caused her to have some second thoughts, she didn't go. We're six years plus recovered at this point.

 

You CAN get through this.

 

But YOU need to get your stuff together, my friend.

 

At some point, if you don't...you're going to find yourself alone and in a bad situation. Your H's patience is NOT infinite.

 

At some point, you're going to need to get your focus off of yourself, and onto him...or he's going to quit giving you chances.

 

My wife went through the same, and we had setbacks and hurdles...but if I hadn't seen the PROGRESS during that time...I would have ended our marriage. And that would have been a real, real shame.

[half_ofa_heart]

Well, I'm going to tell you something you're not going to like. Something that NO WS (wayward spouse) likes/wants to hear/believes...until they're on the backside of this whole mess. Then they can look back at it and clearly see the truth...but until that point, most fight what I'm about to say tooth and nail.

 

Affairs ARE addictive. Emotionally, psychologically addictive.

 

The "high" you got from your interaction with OM was very, very much like the "high" people get from most psychologically addictive substances.

 

Your brain is acting the same way too...releasing the same chemicals it would if you were taking one of those substances instead.

 

Bottom line, up front.

 

You're addicted to him, and right now you're suffering "withdrawls" due to the end of the relationship just the same as if you were going "cold turkey" off or one of those substances. Same effects...stress, loss of appetite, mood swings, etc...

 

The GOOD news about it is that it won't last, as long as you don't continue to feed the addiction.

 

It does taper off, it does get better with time and distance. Especially with the help of friends/family and your H.

 

And just like those other substances, that's the ONLY way to break the addiction. Cold turkey, deal with the addiction, and work through the end of it.

 

I'm going to tell you...as much as you WANT this time alone...you've got to ask yourself how much of it is motivated by the inside knowledge that it's your CHANCE to sneak in some contact with OM???

 

I'm still insistent that this is a BAD, BAD IDEA.

 

If I were your H...it wouldn't happen. You'd have the choice of working to rebuild the marriage, or having that time to go see OM. My wife wanted somethign similar in the first stages of our situation....turns out she was planning on seeing OM.

 

I figured that's what it was...and cancelled my plans.

 

I don't know if you know my story. Basically my wife got involved in an EA with a man she met online...was all set to go live with him after d-day...some last minute action on my part caused her to have some second thoughts, she didn't go. We're six years plus recovered at this point.

 

You CAN get through this.

 

But YOU need to get your stuff together, my friend.

 

At some point, if you don't...you're going to find yourself alone and in a bad situation. Your H's patience is NOT infinite.

 

At some point, you're going to need to get your focus off of yourself, and onto him...or he's going to quit giving you chances.

 

My wife went through the same, and we had setbacks and hurdles...but if I hadn't seen the PROGRESS during that time...I would have ended our marriage. And that would have been a real, real shame.

 

Not just to WS but to the OM/OW as well. They are addictive to all involved and all your points above are also relative to the OM/OW as well.

 

Very good points Owl!

[Bittersweetie]

Affairs ARE addictive. Emotionally, psychologically addictive.

 

I agree with this. As a fWS, I can look back and totally see that the reason I thought about him all the time was because of the addiction qualities.

 

Now, a year and half since I've seen the OM, I can truly say that I'm over him. He's just another person out there in the world. I know it seems incomprehensible right now that there will be a time you would no longer think about him...but it can and will happen if you choose to make it happen. And you will be a better and stronger person for it.

[flowergirl77]

Well, the last week has been a bit of a whirlwind since I called OM. I have not C him since, but came very close many times. Mostly to find out if he was the one who tipped my HB off that I contacted him.

 

I know this should not bother me, but it does for two reasons:

1) If it was not him, it was a girlfriend I confided in for advice..and if it WAS her she will no longer be considered a friend (obviously!)

2) As many of you WS know..we see our AP sometimes as these wonderful people that are so wonderful to us, and care about us on such a deep level..it is hard to imagine I was so wrong about him. I am usually a pretty good judge of character. And yes..I know, any man who tries to get in on another mans wife is of questionable character...but other than that, I can't see him being so malicious toward me.

 

I ran into this friend today that could have done it, and by some of the things she said and asked me..I just got this gut feeling it could have been her. I can't explain it..it was just a weird conversation..she was pressing to find out if we were still together in a round about way.

 

So, I am left with this big question mark in my head,....and I need to know if she betrayed me. Someone out of the 2 people I thought cared about me did this-

My HB and kids are away for the weekend..and I am really needing this alone time. I do not want to or intend to see OM, in fact I know I must move past this.. It has caused so much turmoil to my family and my marriage- I can't just let this go until I know for sure..any ideas how to find out?

[anne1707]

FG

 

If you want your marriage to recover, you need to focus on healing the damage done by your betrayal of your husband - which is far greater than the potential betrayal by either the OM or your friend. Seriously you need to get your priorities right here. You are not the victim, your husband is. I am not after attacking but actually posting based on experience. The speed of recovery of my marriage increased as my focus on the ex-OM lessened.