Author flowergirl77 Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 FG If you want your marriage to recover, you need to focus on healing the damage done by your betrayal of your husband - which is far greater than the potential betrayal by either the OM or your friend. Seriously you need to get your priorities right here. You are not the victim, your husband is. I am not after attacking but actually posting based on experience. The speed of recovery of my marriage increased as my focus on the ex-OM lessened. Anne I here you..I have been hit very hard with a very harsh reality that has been like a bucket of cold water dumped on my head. I have caused my family a lot of turmoil by my actions-and I am moving on away from my A. I an not sure if all will be well in our MG..but i am finally in a place where I am willing to try. I guess it doesn't really matter who did it...it is done now and I need to refocus. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Listen to your gut about your so called friend. Don't offer any information about anything anymore. Please don't go digging about who tipped him off. It doesn't matter and in perspective of things, you need to focus on grieving your OM and letting go, so you can heal. To hang on, think about exOM is so pointless and it isn't going to help you in the long run when it comes to your H. Let it go. post here if you feel like contacting your exOM. You cannot cave on this, it's too important. When your H comes home, you can look him in the eye and truly mean it when he asks did you see or talk to him? You can say NO. And feel good about it. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Listen to your gut about your so called friend. Don't offer any information about anything anymore. Please don't go digging about who tipped him off. It doesn't matter and in perspective of things, you need to focus on grieving your OM and letting go, so you can heal. To hang on, think about exOM is so pointless and it isn't going to help you in the long run when it comes to your H. Let it go. post here if you feel like contacting your exOM. You cannot cave on this, it's too important. When your H comes home, you can look him in the eye and truly mean it when he asks did you see or talk to him? You can say NO. And feel good about it. Make sense? Yes..clear as mud I will not contact him. I am moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I agree with this. As a fWS, I can look back and totally see that the reason I thought about him all the time was because of the addiction qualities. Now, a year and half since I've seen the OM, I can truly say that I'm over him. He's just another person out there in the world. I know it seems incomprehensible right now that there will be a time you would no longer think about him...but it can and will happen if you choose to make it happen. And you will be a better and stronger person for it. This is very true. Keep NC Flowergirl, YOU WILL BE OKAY! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 This is very true. Keep NC Flowergirl, YOU WILL BE OKAY! Yup..all thoughts of calling him are out of my mind..hopefully for good. Link to post Share on other sites
half_ofa_heart Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Congratulations FG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 I am very glad to report..it is day 2 of being all alone. My H and kids are away out of town for the weekend...I COULD get away with just about anything if I wanted to get together w OM..but I do not want to!! I have had no thoughts of doing it. I can not say I haven't thought of him at all..but I have had no temptations to contact him..I am so glad I am free from this!! Last week-yup I likely would have made different (wrong) choices-I was in a much worse place just from a stupid 5 minute phone conversation..but now, it is like a light has come on..I have read about ppl in A having this experience, and everything looks different somehow. Like the 'fog' is lifting and I now want to work on saving my MG and family. As much as the A has turned my life upside down, and I would not have chosen this as a way to learn some huge life lessons about myself and my H.it has caused us both to grow as people, and hopefully will be the catalyst to growing together, and making a MG that works. One that is healthy and happy. I am looking into Marriage retreats today-something I never thought I would be doing! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I am looking into Marriage retreats today-something I never thought I would be doing! That sounds good. I know with my H and I, in the initial period after Dday, planning ahead for anything was just not going to happen. We didn't always know whether we were going to make it through the day, let alone the end of the week or next month. But in time we started talking of things to do in 1,2,3 months time and that was all a reflection of a slow (no other way really) recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I came to a realization today about myself. Now this is a doozy... The friend I have spoken of (who works with OM) who tells me updates about his life, and all that he says/asks about me is my "link" in a way to continuing contact; although indirectly...it is still keeping that fire stoked. She is a person I enjoy spending time with, we have many things in common, but whenever we get together and she mentions him..it throws me back a few steps and I start thinking of OM again. I realize I have to tell her not to talk about him around me..in a polite manner of course. I told her the other day that that I think it was him that tipped my H off last week..and in the meantime OM asked her the other day.."why is she piss** off at me?" (I had left a nasty mssg on his cell that night) and she told him b/c I think he was the one who mssged my H about the phone call. She says by the way he reacted that she doesn't think it was him. He told her he decided to stay away since I am trying to repair my MG (that is why he ignored my call later that day to arrange to meet up) and he didn't think he could control himself around me to not dissuade me from stay with my H. So he has left me alone. As I said before..I got a weird vibe from my other "friend" who knew of the phone call..so I really do think it was her. I know all of this is neither here nor there, but it leaves me thinking nicer thoughts of OM if he really did not do it, and has stayed away for the right reasons. He has not called, emailed,or texted me at all this whole time. He did tell her to tell me he did not mssg my H. Ok I think I am going nuts now... Too much alone time I guess! Just needed to vent..I am not going to C him..I am not going to C him..... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 No, you're not going to contact him. You have way too much at stake here, and if you feel like you're getting the urge, come back and read your other thread and remember what happened, how much you have to lose by doing so. Your exOM= Your ego. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. You don't love him, you loved who you thought he was, but that guy never existed. remember that! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I came to a realization today about myself. Now this is a doozy... The friend I have spoken of (who works with OM) who tells me updates about his life, and all that he says/asks about me is my "link" in a way to continuing contact; although indirectly...it is still keeping that fire stoked. She is a person I enjoy spending time with, we have many things in common, but whenever we get together and she mentions him..it throws me back a few steps and I start thinking of OM again. I realize I have to tell her not to talk about him around me..in a polite manner of course. I told her the other day that that I think it was him that tipped my H off last week..and in the meantime OM asked her the other day.."why is she piss** off at me?" (I had left a nasty mssg on his cell that night) and she told him b/c I think he was the one who mssged my H about the phone call. She says by the way he reacted that she doesn't think it was him. He told her he decided to stay away since I am trying to repair my MG (that is why he ignored my call later that day to arrange to meet up) and he didn't think he could control himself around me to not dissuade me from stay with my H. So he has left me alone. As I said before..I got a weird vibe from my other "friend" who knew of the phone call..so I really do think it was her. I know all of this is neither here nor there, but it leaves me thinking nicer thoughts of OM if he really did not do it, and has stayed away for the right reasons. He has not called, emailed,or texted me at all this whole time. He did tell her to tell me he did not mssg my H. Ok I think I am going nuts now... Too much alone time I guess! Just needed to vent..I am not going to C him..I am not going to C him..... Think about your child instead. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I came to a realization today about myself. Now this is a doozy... The friend I have spoken of (who works with OM) who tells me updates about his life, and all that he says/asks about me is my "link" in a way to continuing contact; although indirectly...it is still keeping that fire stoked. She is a person I enjoy spending time with, we have many things in common, but whenever we get together and she mentions him..it throws me back a few steps and I start thinking of OM again. I realize I have to tell her not to talk about him around me..in a polite manner of course. I told her the other day that that I think it was him that tipped my H off last week..and in the meantime OM asked her the other day.."why is she piss** off at me?" (I had left a nasty mssg on his cell that night) and she told him b/c I think he was the one who mssged my H about the phone call. She says by the way he reacted that she doesn't think it was him. He told her he decided to stay away since I am trying to repair my MG (that is why he ignored my call later that day to arrange to meet up) and he didn't think he could control himself around me to not dissuade me from stay with my H. So he has left me alone. As I said before..I got a weird vibe from my other "friend" who knew of the phone call..so I really do think it was her. I know all of this is neither here nor there, but it leaves me thinking nicer thoughts of OM if he really did not do it, and has stayed away for the right reasons. He has not called, emailed,or texted me at all this whole time. He did tell her to tell me he did not mssg my H. Ok I think I am going nuts now... Too much alone time I guess! Just needed to vent..I am not going to C him..I am not going to C him..... IMO it is always a bad idea to put someone in between you and xOM, it always messes up things and creates gossip and misunderstandings. At least your xOM is respecting your choice and letting you go with your life. Not all the OM/OW are terrible people. He might have genuine feelings for you and now grieving your loss, but he is doing what's right for both of you by going NC. I have been through that (as xOM), please do not contact him as it may just make things worse, you have made your choice, you have nothing to offer him, it will not ease the pain, it will only prevent him and you for recovering. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I ran into this friend today that could have done it, and by some of the things she said and asked me..I just got this gut feeling it could have been her. I can't explain it..it was just a weird conversation..she was pressing to find out if we were still together in a round about way. What do you mean your friend betrayed you? You mean by telling your husband the TRUTH? Well, that's not only a friend of yours, but also a friend of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 What do you mean your friend betrayed you? You mean by telling your husband the TRUTH? Well, that's not only a friend of yours, but also a friend of your marriage. I know..I have thought to myself..perhaps I deserved the "betrayal" as Karma for what I have done, and how I betrayed my H...whoever did it, I suppose doesn't matter. I just wish I knew for sure.I may never know 100%.. Link to post Share on other sites
half_ofa_heart Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I know..I have thought to myself..perhaps I deserved the "betrayal" as Karma for what I have done, and how I betrayed my H...whoever did it, I suppose doesn't matter. I just wish I knew for sure.I may never know 100%.. If it was your friend - it is a betrayal. We confide in our friends and if your "friend" felt what you were doing was wrong then she should have told you as much and told you what she would do if you did. If it was her, then she decieved you because she did it all behind your back. A friend that you confide in is much like an IC. What you tell them should stay between the two of you. Even if we think it's wrong, deceiving that so called friend isn't right either. This is all just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I am very glad to report..it is day 2 of being all alone. My H and kids are away out of town for the weekend...I COULD get away with just about anything if I wanted to get together w OM..but I do not want to!! I have had no thoughts of doing it. I can not say I haven't thought of him at all..but I have had no temptations to contact him..I am so glad I am free from this!! I'm glad to hear you are making progress! It's refreshing to hear an OW that really cares about her kids. It's been a long time since I have read a thread like that. Last week-yup I likely would have made different (wrong) choices-I was in a much worse place just from a stupid 5 minute phone conversation..but now, it is like a light has come on..I have read about ppl in A having this experience, and everything looks different somehow. Like the 'fog' is lifting and I now want to work on saving my MG and family. As much as the A has turned my life upside down, and I would not have chosen this as a way to learn some huge life lessons about myself and my H.it has caused us both to grow as people, and hopefully will be the catalyst to growing together, and making a MG that works. One that is healthy and happy. I am looking into Marriage retreats today-something I never thought I would be doing! I have one warning for you as a guy who has been through these types of emotional rebounds. Don't let the end of the affair gloss over the things that made your marriage bad in the first place. Otherwise you will be right back on here in a few years with a new OM. Take some time to figure out what you need from your husband and communicate it to him very clearly! I mean very clearly. Make sure you have his full attention and that he understands how important it is to you. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Keep doing as you are with your husband he has been wonderful and tell your friend you are not interested in hearing about the OM.From reading it is noticeable how much talking to her gets you thinking about OM.You have a husband that will do anything to keep you together he must love you dearly You have what every woman wants so do all you can to hold on to him.The out side world is harder then you think and finding a man that loves you that much is not always easy.No matter who you are with the newness wears off and you would still have problems just a whole new set of them.Some people think just because the hot wild sex and butterflys are not there that something is wrong but its the same with anyone.Hold on tight because theirs always someone who wants what you have.Good Luck I hope you and your husband the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flowergirl77 Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 Haven't been on LS for awhile. Thought I'd check in to see what's new..and I see I am not alone in my situation! To think there are so many of us out there all messed up because of an affair. I never would have thought a EA could flatten my life as it has..and that it would be so hard to move past it. I have stayed NC..aside from my last little "slip up", and am doing much better. We are stabilizing our family and are working towards the goal of moving past this in a healthy way. Since I last wrote, I had a conversation with my friend who I thought ratted me out when I called OM-and she swore she would never do something like that..so that only leaves OM. So in a way, knowing it WAS him, it makes moving on a whole lot easier. If he could do that to me, what else is he capable of? The one thing I can't make sense of right now though..is that I have been going along with little thought of OM for awhile now. He pops into my head here and there..I notice it and say "thanks" to my ego for reminding me he's still there, even though I am trying to get him out of there! But then I have an episode over a few days where it is stronger, and I start thinking of him more...what is up with with that? Last time I felt this happening I called him...and I am NOT going to do that...but I just wonder if this is some kind of shift. I have to get past this, then it will fade away even more. Anyone else experience this after long period of NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Fieldsofgold Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Haven't been on LS for awhile. Thought I'd check in to see what's new..and I see I am not alone in my situation! To think there are so many of us out there all messed up because of an affair. I never would have thought a EA could flatten my life as it has..and that it would be so hard to move past it. I have stayed NC..aside from my last little "slip up", and am doing much better. We are stabilizing our family and are working towards the goal of moving past this in a healthy way. Since I last wrote, I had a conversation with my friend who I thought ratted me out when I called OM-and she swore she would never do something like that..so that only leaves OM. So in a way, knowing it WAS him, it makes moving on a whole lot easier. If he could do that to me, what else is he capable of? The one thing I can't make sense of right now though..is that I have been going along with little thought of OM for awhile now. He pops into my head here and there..I notice it and say "thanks" to my ego for reminding me he's still there, even though I am trying to get him out of there! But then I have an episode over a few days where it is stronger, and I start thinking of him more...what is up with with that? Last time I felt this happening I called him...and I am NOT going to do that...but I just wonder if this is some kind of shift. I have to get past this, then it will fade away even more. Anyone else experience this after long period of NC? It's good to hear from you. I hope your son is doing well. I always like to quote something Silverplanets once said (and I'm sure I'm mangling it, but this is the gist of it) Healing and recovery progresses like ripples on a pond, when a stone has been tossed in. The ripples go out with lulls in between, and each circle of ripples gets progressively weaker. When I was recovering, it was like that for me. I would have anger, then be ok for a while, then, unprovoked, another wave of anger would hit. Link to post Share on other sites
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