EricaH329 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I know we all go through a phase after a break up where we wonder what they are doing. We may check their social site pages, ask friends or family, etc. We all go through this at some point. There does come a time when enough is enough. If you've been moping about how your ex is in another relationship already, or sleeping with other people already, or dating... there does come a time where it starts to consume you and hinders your progression. Let's think about this logically for a moment: You are worrying about someone who is no longer in your life. I understand that at one point they were a big part of your life. But they are not anymore. If you spent half the time you spend worrying about your ex, on the people who are actually a very big part of your life right at this very moment, you might just have stronger relationships with those that want to be in your life. Fact is, people move on. And while your ex is out 'moving on' in whatever way they see fit, you are not. Why? Because you are too busy being focused on someone who is clearly not focused on you. Does that make much sense? Every moment you spend worrying about them, is a moment lost worrying about yourself. You only have one person in this life time to count on. You. By staying focused on your ex, you are not only ignoring your needs and wants, but you are preventing yourself from healing and becoming a better 'you'. How are you supposed to love and respect yourself, when you are constantly thinking about someone who is hurting you emotionally? Sometimes it's easier to focus on someone else rather than taking a good hard look at yourself. But, in the end, who are you really hurting by doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Leandro Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 HMMMMM................................I love it!!!! Going to take a while for the new ones to swallow it, but it will help. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hey Erica you are constantly thinking about someone who is hurting you emotionally That's the conundrum. The ex may not be in your life anymore and therefore they're not proactively hurting you. But because they are still part of your emotional centre and many of your thoughts revolve around that person, they are passively hurting you (that is, you're hurting yourself). Thus: in the end, who are you really hurting by doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I have a very active imagination. For weeks all I could think of was that she had left and was now living this glamerous life that I was now not a part of. A life that would be 'better' than mine or without me. But you know what the truth is? They really are not. They will continue with life and do the same things they've done while they were with you. Go to work, go grocery shopping, sit around the house bored on a weekend. They haven't magically met prince charming or some supermodel and been whisked off to some yacht in the Mediterranean. I think accepting this comes with that 'take them off the pedastal' mentality. They are NOT going to have some fairytale life now without you. Link to post Share on other sites
J0N Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I have a very active imagination. For weeks all I could think of was that she had left and was now living this glamerous life that I was now not a part of. A life that would be 'better' than mine or without me. But you know what the truth is? They really are not. They will continue with life and do the same things they've done while they were with you. Go to work, go grocery shopping, sit around the house bored on a weekend. They haven't magically met prince charming or some supermodel and been whisked off to some yacht in the Mediterranean. I think accepting this comes with that 'take them off the pedastal' mentality. They are NOT going to have some fairytale life now without you. You are right, but it is hard to turn my imagination down. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night and have some random thought about her. Then that turns into I wonder who is laying next to her, etc. and I dont sleep for the rest of the night. I think as a dumpee, it will just take a long time for our thoughts and feelings for our ex's to fade away. I just wish I could stop thinking about her all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 HMMMMM................................I love it!!!! Going to take a while for the new ones to swallow it, but it will help. Thanks Leandro Hey Erica That's the conundrum. The ex may not be in your life anymore and therefore they're not proactively hurting you. But because they are still part of your emotional centre and many of your thoughts revolve around that person, they are passively hurting you (that is, you're hurting yourself). Thus: Exactly. It all comes back to the same thing. Hurting yourself, and spending too much time and energy focusing on something that should not be of any importance. I have a very active imagination. For weeks all I could think of was that she had left and was now living this glamerous life that I was now not a part of. A life that would be 'better' than mine or without me. But you know what the truth is? They really are not. They will continue with life and do the same things they've done while they were with you. Go to work, go grocery shopping, sit around the house bored on a weekend. They haven't magically met prince charming or some supermodel and been whisked off to some yacht in the Mediterranean. I think accepting this comes with that 'take them off the pedastal' mentality. They are NOT going to have some fairytale life now without you. So very true!!! A lot of the times we get upset because they 'seem' to be happy without us. We don't really know what's going on. They could be miserable, acting like they are happy. Who knows. And the point is, who cares? We should be focused on ourselves After all... if we don't care about ourselves, who will? Link to post Share on other sites
JOSIE5555 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 with your own life. I am in immense pain and he has another girlfriend. They are "in love". He is not feeling any pain - why should it just be me. I emailed her and told her what an abusive person he is. I did it last night. Saw them together as a couple - so cute together just like we looked in the beginning. I just won't have it. I just won't have him not feeling the pain I am in. I sent her enough verifiable info about the fact that he is an exhibitionist and abusive partner that if she doesn't leave she is stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 The OP has the right idea. The logic of it is undeniable. The hard part is getting the emotional part of me to come along. Link to post Share on other sites
ccfan Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) I know we all go through a phase after a break up where we wonder what they are doing. We may check their social site pages, ask friends or family, etc. We all go through this at some point. There does come a time when enough is enough. If you've been moping about how your ex is in another relationship already, or sleeping with other people already, or dating... there does come a time where it starts to consume you and hinders your progression. Let's think about this logically for a moment: You are worrying about someone who is no longer in your life. I understand that at one point they were a big part of your life. But they are not anymore. If you spent half the time you spend worrying about your ex, on the people who are actually a very big part of your life right at this very moment, you might just have stronger relationships with those that want to be in your life. Fact is, people move on. And while your ex is out 'moving on' in whatever way they see fit, you are not. Why? Because you are too busy being focused on someone who is clearly not focused on you. Does that make much sense? Every moment you spend worrying about them, is a moment lost worrying about yourself. You only have one person in this life time to count on. You. By staying focused on your ex, you are not only ignoring your needs and wants, but you are preventing yourself from healing and becoming a better 'you'. How are you supposed to love and respect yourself, when you are constantly thinking about someone who is hurting you emotionally?Sometimes it's easier to focus on someone else rather than taking a good hard look at yourself. But, in the end, who are you really hurting by doing that? Great post Erica!!!! I´m printing this and keeping it in my wallet for when those "weak" moments come... It´s incredible the amount of mental energy that many of us put into our exes while hurting ourserlves in the proccess. Love this post! Edited January 8, 2011 by ccfan Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 The OP has the right idea. The logic of it is undeniable. The hard part is getting the emotional part of me to come along. Thats the process of your heart lagging your head. We all understand that what the OP is saying is right. It's putting it into practice that is so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 We do need to be easy on ourselves. It's not easy to put the above into practice. I think as a dumpee, it is a three steps forward, two steps backward process. We slowly but steadily mske our way through. Link to post Share on other sites
SDA Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 We do need to be easy on ourselves. It's not easy to put the above into practice. I think as a dumpee, it is a three steps forward, two steps backward process. We slowly but steadily mske our way through. This is a great statement. It all takes time. You can't help what goes through your mind and how you feel. Eventually time will do it's magic and that is the best cure. Time and time only. Link to post Share on other sites
blover Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 great post!!! hard to put into practise but totally agree Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Thank you everyone for your kind comments Time and time only. There does come a time when enough is enough. Like i've previously mentioned, I know that it's difficult and we all go through this stage. I actually think it's necessary to go through, in order to realize how pointless it is. I have noticed that some people get stuck at this stage the longest. I'm hoping for those who find themselves stuck, this may be able to shed some light on the situation to help pull themselves out of it Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 I hadn't thought about her in a while...then today I woke up from a nap...I had dreamt that she and I were in a car accident...but escaped unharmed...and professed our love for each other...and then I woke up... Weird. I guess I occasionally wonder about her... Link to post Share on other sites
ByMyselfForNow Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Yup. sadly we cannot escape our dreams. It was the same for me last night. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Last nite I had the image of her hands being tatto'd with Henna enter my mind. It disturb'd me because that is a East Indian marriage rite, Mehndi. I knew it couldn't be hapening but it disturb'd me something awful...to think of that happening so that another could be her groom. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am stuck somewhere between grief and letting go. It has been way too long to still feel like this. It's not rational I know, but I can't stop it and it's slowly driving me insane Link to post Share on other sites
Sevenscars Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am stuck somewhere between grief and letting go. It has been way too long to still feel like this. It's not rational I know, but I can't stop it and it's slowly driving me insane Have you tried getting busy? With anything, school, work, a hobby...the more time you spend doing something else the less time you'll spend in grief, which will eventually make it easier to move on...all it takes is time, longer for some, shorter for others, but time nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 We do need to be easy on ourselves. It's not easy to put the above into practice. I think as a dumpee, it is a three steps forward, two steps backward process. We slowly but steadily mske our way through. The hard part for me is... I have been conditioned by history with this woman not to consider anything to be truly 100% final. Even the way this latest encounter went it felt more like the message is a clear not now. Link to post Share on other sites
GoingInsane Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I'm finding it extremely difficult to stop thinking about what she's doing. We split in Sept but remained "friends" which really stopped me from moving on, I was still holding out hope. Just over a week ago, I discovered that she did indeed have an affair as I suspected when we were together and is now "kind of seeing" (her words) this person. The NC has been great for letting going of the romanticised view I was carrying of the relationship and I can't say that I'm desperately missing seeing her or being able to contact her. But I just can't stop obsessing about what she and her new lover are doing and about all the times she must have lied to me when we were stil together. I keep remmebering times when she was late home or was off with me and wondering if its because they were together. I dreamt last night of me confronting her (we were still together in the dream) and her lying to me again. I can't stop thinking about whether they're off doing something together or if she's at home alone feeling guilty. I keep telling myself it.doesn't.matter - but I can't chase those thoughts away. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 The NC has been great for letting going of the romanticised view I was carrying of the relationship I think this is an important step. After certain triggers, I still get mind movies of past moments of togetherness but I'm not reacting as strongly as I used to. If I'm being honest, my heart still holds a little bit of hope, though my head is gaining more control with every passing day of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 I think this is an important step. After certain triggers, I still get mind movies of past moments of togetherness but I'm not reacting as strongly as I used to. If I'm being honest, my heart still holds a little bit of hope, though my head is gaining more control with every passing day of NC. Exactly! I think you are exactly where you should be in the healing process. You feel better than you used to, you are moving forward with your life, and you are gaining new insight and awareness about yourself. I haven't said it lately, but I am very proud of you Jan! Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 ^^^ Thanks Erica - it means a lot to hear you say that. How is your healing process going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EricaH329 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 ^^^ Thanks Erica - it means a lot to hear you say that. How is your healing process going? I am actually surprisingly great! Thank you! The current issues in my life are of much more value than any past individual. I have not seen you in chat lately I had to take a break from it earlier because of all of the negativity. Some people try to drag others into their negativity, it can be quite draining, so I pulled myself out before it got to that point. I'd tell you all this through PM, but i'm still waiting for you to get that privilege Link to post Share on other sites
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