Why won't they just admit it?

[Digs in Dirt]

During my marriage, I was very unhappy, and ended up having an affair with a man I met through work. I left my marriage to be with this man. I have never regretted leaving my marriage (although I have struggled a lot with guilt over the pain that I caused), but I have regretted the affair. Despite this, I stayed with the OM in a new relationship for the past 3 years.

 

We did not live together, but had plans to eventually marry. This past summer he came to me and said that he was unhappy and that something was missing and that maybe we needed a break. HIs big issue was that he was ready to get married, and I needed a few more years to be on my own first. I had just bought a house on my own, and he was threatened by that - he saw that as me taking a step away from him.

 

He also said that he had made a new friend, who was a female, and he wanted to tell me about it because he didn't want me to worry - that she was strictly a friend. He did add that she was attractive. We are both the type to have more opposite-sex friends than same-sex. Also, after the affair, we both found ourselves with few, if any, friends. I was upset about the friendship, and told him so.

 

For the past 6 months we've been on again, off again, with him needing a break on a regular basis. Each time that he's asked for a break, I have tried to change his mind, have texted him, called him, begged him to reconsider. During this time he has ignored me for the most part, with an occasional text to say that he needed space. After a few days of this, usually on a weekend when he's feeling alone, he's reached out to me and we've ended up getting back together.

 

I should add that he's an alcoholic who had been dry since we'd gotten together - I told him that being with me meant he had to give up drinking.

 

One night during one of our breaks, I called him and he wouldn't answer. I kept calling, and eventually he answwered the phone, but seemingly by accident - he must have meant to silence the phone. What I heard shocked me - it was him completely drunk. He kept saying a girl's name. He would not answer the rest of the night, or the next morning. When I finally reached him, he said he'd gone out drinking with friends from his past.

 

We got back together, and were on again, off again, for awhile. A few weeks ago, when we were "on", I checked his cell phone for texts, because I noticed that he'd been texting. I found some texts from a girl, one of them saying "Happy New Year" with a heart after it. I confronted him and he got mad at me, saying that I was out of line checking his personal phone. He said that she was just a friend of his sister's from their childhood, and nothing more. I asked him if it was the same person who he was with on his drunken night, and he said no.

 

The next day after more questioning, he admitted that yes, it was the same person. He also admitted to meeting up a few times with the friend that he'd met during the summer. He would go to her house for coffee. She asked for more from the friendship and he said no. I got very upset, and had a hard time dealing with all of the new information. He kept telling me, in a frustrated way, that they were just friends, that I knew that he related better to women, just as I relate better to men, and that I was being unreasonable.

 

Our relationship couldn't stand up to the strain, and we called it quits again the other day, with him saying that he needs to work on himself, and maybe down the road we could date and eventually get back together.

 

Last night I remembered that during one of our breaks, he went to a party out of town (overnight stay). I texted him to ask if he went with the girl who was texting him, and his reply was to ask my why I was asking. I didn't reply...his non-reply was all I needed. He followed up with a phone call to ask why I was asking, and then sent another text asking if I thought he went with her. I replied simply that he had answered my question.

 

STUPID me still thinks it's possible that I am just misunderstanding. WHY?!?!?! Why can't I just accept that this guy is a cheating loser!?!?!? And why won't cheaters just admit to what they have done or are doing?!?!?!

 

I should add that one night we had a discussion about cheating, and I asked him if he'd ever do it again, and he gave me some vague response about how nobody knows what they will do, knows the future, etc. That really pissed me off, because I KNOW that I will not cheat again. Having an affair was one of my biggest mistakes in life and I learned, grew, and became a better person, and know that I will NEVER be that person again.

 

So how do I just accept this and move on?! I am expecting him to contact me at some point. Maybe he won't, who knows. As weird as this sounds, I am hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me. Why hasn't he tried to explain? Do I mean that little???

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Like the saying goes....If he'll cheat WITH you...he'll definately cheat ON you! No surprise..and really no sympathy on my part. Sorry but thats my take on it!

[robf1971]

During my marriage, I was very unhappy, and ended up having an affair with a man I met through work. I left my marriage to be with this man. I have never regretted leaving my marriage (although I have struggled a lot with guilt over the pain that I caused), but I have regretted the affair. Despite this, I stayed with the OM in a new relationship for the past 3 years.

 

We did not live together, but had plans to eventually marry. This past summer he came to me and said that he was unhappy and that something was missing and that maybe we needed a break. HIs big issue was that he was ready to get married, and I needed a few more years to be on my own first. I had just bought a house on my own, and he was threatened by that - he saw that as me taking a step away from him.

 

He also said that he had made a new friend, who was a female, and he wanted to tell me about it because he didn't want me to worry - that she was strictly a friend. He did add that she was attractive. We are both the type to have more opposite-sex friends than same-sex. Also, after the affair, we both found ourselves with few, if any, friends. I was upset about the friendship, and told him so.

 

For the past 6 months we've been on again, off again, with him needing a break on a regular basis. Each time that he's asked for a break, I have tried to change his mind, have texted him, called him, begged him to reconsider. During this time he has ignored me for the most part, with an occasional text to say that he needed space. After a few days of this, usually on a weekend when he's feeling alone, he's reached out to me and we've ended up getting back together.

 

I should add that he's an alcoholic who had been dry since we'd gotten together - I told him that being with me meant he had to give up drinking.

 

One night during one of our breaks, I called him and he wouldn't answer. I kept calling, and eventually he answwered the phone, but seemingly by accident - he must have meant to silence the phone. What I heard shocked me - it was him completely drunk. He kept saying a girl's name. He would not answer the rest of the night, or the next morning. When I finally reached him, he said he'd gone out drinking with friends from his past.

 

We got back together, and were on again, off again, for awhile. A few weeks ago, when we were "on", I checked his cell phone for texts, because I noticed that he'd been texting. I found some texts from a girl, one of them saying "Happy New Year" with a heart after it. I confronted him and he got mad at me, saying that I was out of line checking his personal phone. He said that she was just a friend of his sister's from their childhood, and nothing more. I asked him if it was the same person who he was with on his drunken night, and he said no.

 

The next day after more questioning, he admitted that yes, it was the same person. He also admitted to meeting up a few times with the friend that he'd met during the summer. He would go to her house for coffee. She asked for more from the friendship and he said no. I got very upset, and had a hard time dealing with all of the new information. He kept telling me, in a frustrated way, that they were just friends, that I knew that he related better to women, just as I relate better to men, and that I was being unreasonable.

 

Our relationship couldn't stand up to the strain, and we called it quits again the other day, with him saying that he needs to work on himself, and maybe down the road we could date and eventually get back together.

 

Last night I remembered that during one of our breaks, he went to a party out of town (overnight stay). I texted him to ask if he went with the girl who was texting him, and his reply was to ask my why I was asking. I didn't reply...his non-reply was all I needed. He followed up with a phone call to ask why I was asking, and then sent another text asking if I thought he went with her. I replied simply that he had answered my question.

 

STUPID me still thinks it's possible that I am just misunderstanding. WHY?!?!?! Why can't I just accept that this guy is a cheating loser!?!?!? And why won't cheaters just admit to what they have done or are doing?!?!?!

 

I should add that one night we had a discussion about cheating, and I asked him if he'd ever do it again, and he gave me some vague response about how nobody knows what they will do, knows the future, etc. That really pissed me off, because I KNOW that I will not cheat again. Having an affair was one of my biggest mistakes in life and I learned, grew, and became a better person, and know that I will NEVER be that person again.

 

So how do I just accept this and move on?! I am expecting him to contact me at some point. Maybe he won't, who knows. As weird as this sounds, I am hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me. Why hasn't he tried to explain? Do I mean that little???

 

Karma is a bitch isn't it. It always comes back to bite you in the ass. Move on and sort yourself out before getting into another relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

This post may sound shaming, but I am actually serious.

 

It sounds like you got yourself a "you."

 

Don't wait up for him. And quit looking for his (or any other person's) show of love to decide any part of your self-worth.

 

Since you participated in one of the worst decisions you made in your life with this individual, perhaps erasing that whole chapter of your life would be the most beneficial. (Aside from what you have learned about life).

 

As well: if you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic, then do not knowingly begin one with them. Same goes with a cheater. Hang back and make sure they have made steps in their lives to become trustworthy individuals. Often people expect the other person in the relationship to protect them from emotional harm while doing nothing themselves to cover their own problems.

[Fight4Me]

I'm going to play armchair psychologist and throw out a few things, and maybe one of them will hit home or at least sound plausible to you.

 

It sounded, at least to me, like this relationship was an exit affair. You speak of not regretting the divorce, but you obviously hold guilt over how you went about it. Sometimes how a relationship begins can be an indicator of how its dynamics will play out.

 

He knows you left your marriage for him. As the three year relationship has evolved, he may not be able overcome this idea. As hypocritical as it sounds, he may not have respect for you because of it.

 

You have obviously grown and flourished since your D, while him... not so much.

 

Could you be trying so hard to keep this man because of the guilt you still harbor over how you disengaged from your marriage? What I mean is, do you feel a need to make this one work to prove to yourself or others that the pain you caused wasn't in vain?

 

Could you subconsciously believe that you deserve this kind of treatment as some sort of atonement for your past?

 

Again, I'm just throwing stuff out like cards from a dealer's hands. I will say this, though, he is showing you who he is and what he wants to be doing with his life. Have you ever gone to IC and tried to resolve some things inside yourself that has made your man-picker go wonky? Have you considered putting the past where it belongs and moving onto bigger and better things? It seems obvious to me he isn't it, and never was.

 

Good luck.

[Distant78]

During my marriage, I was very unhappy, and ended up having an affair with a man I met through work. I left my marriage to be with this man. I have never regretted leaving my marriage (although I have struggled a lot with guilt over the pain that I caused), but I have regretted the affair. Despite this, I stayed with the OM in a new relationship for the past 3 years.

 

We did not live together, but had plans to eventually marry. This past summer he came to me and said that he was unhappy and that something was missing and that maybe we needed a break. HIs big issue was that he was ready to get married, and I needed a few more years to be on my own first. I had just bought a house on my own, and he was threatened by that - he saw that as me taking a step away from him.

 

He also said that he had made a new friend, who was a female, and he wanted to tell me about it because he didn't want me to worry - that she was strictly a friend. He did add that she was attractive. We are both the type to have more opposite-sex friends than same-sex. Also, after the affair, we both found ourselves with few, if any, friends. I was upset about the friendship, and told him so.

 

For the past 6 months we've been on again, off again, with him needing a break on a regular basis. Each time that he's asked for a break, I have tried to change his mind, have texted him, called him, begged him to reconsider. During this time he has ignored me for the most part, with an occasional text to say that he needed space. After a few days of this, usually on a weekend when he's feeling alone, he's reached out to me and we've ended up getting back together.

 

I should add that he's an alcoholic who had been dry since we'd gotten together - I told him that being with me meant he had to give up drinking.

 

One night during one of our breaks, I called him and he wouldn't answer. I kept calling, and eventually he answwered the phone, but seemingly by accident - he must have meant to silence the phone. What I heard shocked me - it was him completely drunk. He kept saying a girl's name. He would not answer the rest of the night, or the next morning. When I finally reached him, he said he'd gone out drinking with friends from his past.

 

We got back together, and were on again, off again, for awhile. A few weeks ago, when we were "on", I checked his cell phone for texts, because I noticed that he'd been texting. I found some texts from a girl, one of them saying "Happy New Year" with a heart after it. I confronted him and he got mad at me, saying that I was out of line checking his personal phone. He said that she was just a friend of his sister's from their childhood, and nothing more. I asked him if it was the same person who he was with on his drunken night, and he said no.

 

The next day after more questioning, he admitted that yes, it was the same person. He also admitted to meeting up a few times with the friend that he'd met during the summer. He would go to her house for coffee. She asked for more from the friendship and he said no. I got very upset, and had a hard time dealing with all of the new information. He kept telling me, in a frustrated way, that they were just friends, that I knew that he related better to women, just as I relate better to men, and that I was being unreasonable.

 

Our relationship couldn't stand up to the strain, and we called it quits again the other day, with him saying that he needs to work on himself, and maybe down the road we could date and eventually get back together.

 

Last night I remembered that during one of our breaks, he went to a party out of town (overnight stay). I texted him to ask if he went with the girl who was texting him, and his reply was to ask my why I was asking. I didn't reply...his non-reply was all I needed. He followed up with a phone call to ask why I was asking, and then sent another text asking if I thought he went with her. I replied simply that he had answered my question.

 

STUPID me still thinks it's possible that I am just misunderstanding. WHY?!?!?! Why can't I just accept that this guy is a cheating loser!?!?!? And why won't cheaters just admit to what they have done or are doing?!?!?!

 

I should add that one night we had a discussion about cheating, and I asked him if he'd ever do it again, and he gave me some vague response about how nobody knows what they will do, knows the future, etc. That really pissed me off, because I KNOW that I will not cheat again. Having an affair was one of my biggest mistakes in life and I learned, grew, and became a better person, and know that I will NEVER be that person again.

 

So how do I just accept this and move on?! I am expecting him to contact me at some point. Maybe he won't, who knows. As weird as this sounds, I am hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me. Why hasn't he tried to explain? Do I mean that little???

 

Okay...you do realize karma has gotten you back right? No sympathy from me but I'd advise you to take responsibility for your past and current actions and stop playing the victim. An affair is not a mistake, it was pre planned. Now you know the harsh consequences of cheating and starting a relationship with one who's willing to participate in infidelity.

[Darth Vader]

During my marriage, I was very unhappy, and ended up having an affair with a man I met through work. I left my marriage to be with this man. I have never regretted leaving my marriage (although I have struggled a lot with guilt over the pain that I caused), but I have regretted the affair. Despite this, I stayed with the OM in a new relationship for the past 3 years.

 

We did not live together, but had plans to eventually marry. This past summer he came to me and said that he was unhappy and that something was missing and that maybe we needed a break. HIs big issue was that he was ready to get married, and I needed a few more years to be on my own first. I had just bought a house on my own, and he was threatened by that - he saw that as me taking a step away from him.

 

He also said that he had made a new friend, who was a female, and he wanted to tell me about it because he didn't want me to worry - that she was strictly a friend. He did add that she was attractive. We are both the type to have more opposite-sex friends than same-sex. Also, after the affair, we both found ourselves with few, if any, friends. I was upset about the friendship, and told him so.

 

For the past 6 months we've been on again, off again, with him needing a break on a regular basis. Each time that he's asked for a break, I have tried to change his mind, have texted him, called him, begged him to reconsider. During this time he has ignored me for the most part, with an occasional text to say that he needed space. After a few days of this, usually on a weekend when he's feeling alone, he's reached out to me and we've ended up getting back together.

 

I should add that he's an alcoholic who had been dry since we'd gotten together - I told him that being with me meant he had to give up drinking.

 

One night during one of our breaks, I called him and he wouldn't answer. I kept calling, and eventually he answwered the phone, but seemingly by accident - he must have meant to silence the phone. What I heard shocked me - it was him completely drunk. He kept saying a girl's name. He would not answer the rest of the night, or the next morning. When I finally reached him, he said he'd gone out drinking with friends from his past.

 

We got back together, and were on again, off again, for awhile. A few weeks ago, when we were "on", I checked his cell phone for texts, because I noticed that he'd been texting. I found some texts from a girl, one of them saying "Happy New Year" with a heart after it. I confronted him and he got mad at me, saying that I was out of line checking his personal phone. He said that she was just a friend of his sister's from their childhood, and nothing more. I asked him if it was the same person who he was with on his drunken night, and he said no.

 

The next day after more questioning, he admitted that yes, it was the same person. He also admitted to meeting up a few times with the friend that he'd met during the summer. He would go to her house for coffee. She asked for more from the friendship and he said no. I got very upset, and had a hard time dealing with all of the new information. He kept telling me, in a frustrated way, that they were just friends, that I knew that he related better to women, just as I relate better to men, and that I was being unreasonable.

 

Our relationship couldn't stand up to the strain, and we called it quits again the other day, with him saying that he needs to work on himself, and maybe down the road we could date and eventually get back together.

 

Last night I remembered that during one of our breaks, he went to a party out of town (overnight stay). I texted him to ask if he went with the girl who was texting him, and his reply was to ask my why I was asking. I didn't reply...his non-reply was all I needed. He followed up with a phone call to ask why I was asking, and then sent another text asking if I thought he went with her. I replied simply that he had answered my question.

 

STUPID me still thinks it's possible that I am just misunderstanding. WHY?!?!?! Why can't I just accept that this guy is a cheating loser!?!?!? And why won't cheaters just admit to what they have done or are doing?!?!?!

 

I should add that one night we had a discussion about cheating, and I asked him if he'd ever do it again, and he gave me some vague response about how nobody knows what they will do, knows the future, etc. That really pissed me off, because I KNOW that I will not cheat again. Having an affair was one of my biggest mistakes in life and I learned, grew, and became a better person, and know that I will NEVER be that person again.

 

So how do I just accept this and move on?! I am expecting him to contact me at some point. Maybe he won't, who knows. As weird as this sounds, I am hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me. Why hasn't he tried to explain? Do I mean that little???

 

To the poster of this Thread!

 

This is everything you've done to your Ex-hubby more or less, and now you wonder WTF?! The bus has definately run you over! Now you may have a tiny bit of understanding of the HELL you put your Ex-husband through! OH, and cheating is not a "mistake", it's intensional!

[YellowShark]

Like the saying goes....If he'll cheat WITH you...he'll definately cheat ON you!

 

Yup. I am always amazed when someone in an affair is "surprised" when their affair partner ends up cheating on them too.

[FryFish]

The OP's post has brightened my day. Its good to know that sometimes the world forces people to learn a lesson that they didnt want to.

[Digs in Dirt]

Wow, lots of anger on here. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I caused pain. Believe me, I have had to deal with what I did, and I had my share of pain. That's not what this post was about. And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

You may not think much of what I did, and I will agree that an affair isn't an accident, I take full responsibility for it, I never said "oops, had an affair!" but I am still a human being with feelings. So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

[Darth Vader]

Wow, lots of anger on here. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I caused pain. Believe me, I have had to deal with what I did, and I had my share of pain. That's not what this post was about. And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

You may not think much of what I did, and I will agree that an affair isn't an accident, I take full responsibility for it, I never said "oops, had an affair!" but I am still a human being with feelings. So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

 

 

Oh, because your Ex-husband cheated on you it makes it all ok? Oh, how strange, now you post info about how hubby cheated on you after the harsh posts.

 

Stop looking for people to feel sorry for you, you knew full well how much fallout there would be having an affair by experiencing it yourself, then when people on here didn't throw a parade to honor you, then you throw out there "the rest of the story" at us in an attempt to shut us down! BABY! It ain't happen'in!

[Spark1111]

Wow, lots of anger on here. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I caused pain. Believe me, I have had to deal with what I did, and I had my share of pain. That's not what this post was about. And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

You may not think much of what I did, and I will agree that an affair isn't an accident, I take full responsibility for it, I never said "oops, had an affair!" but I am still a human being with feelings. So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

 

Wow! Do I know THIS pain and I am truly sorry you are experiencing it.

 

I would not wish it on my worst enemy, ever....fBS here, and what you are going through is exactly what I went through when I discovered my H's affair.

 

You have a ring side seat to the pain his fW went through when she discovered your relationship with her xH. The trickle truths, lying by omission, avoiding conflict, etc.

 

It can make a person crazy to be subjected to that type of torture, as you are currently experiencing.

 

Here is the bottom line, alcohol aside: Cheaters (no offense to you meant) have the common characteristics of conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, and poor communication skills.

 

Couple that with an addiction or addictive personality, you have the necessary cocktail for a potential serial cheater and here is why: They are addicted to the high the thrill, the release of certain brain chemicals that alcohol, gambling, substance abuse, and YES, only new partners provide.

 

Then they feel ashamed, depressed, hide the truth of it, mostly from themselves, and start to crave the high again for a momentary respite from the pain.

 

You can't fix him. He needs to fix himself with intensive therapy.

 

You need to think long and hard if you want a future with this man. it won't be easy.

[YellowShark]

Wow, lots of anger on here.

 

Yes there is a lot of anger because cheating is wrong. It's hard to sympathise with someone who has done wrong and then is looking for sympathy.

 

And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

What your husband did or didn't do is irrelevant to your current story. You hooked up with a cheater for 3 years who was "ready to get married" and them he ended up cheating on you. Don't you see the irony?

 

So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

 

Try not to internalize what strangers are posting. Stiff upper lip ok? Instead take the good with the bad and simply see the irony of your situation. You cheated with a cheater who then cheated on you. Use that as a lesson that cheating is bad from any angle.. and rarely if ever does it work out for the best. Maybe 1-2% of the time it does, but generally people who cheat make really bad relationship partners.

 

Good luck.

Edited January 8, 2011 by YellowShark

[Distant78]

Wow, lots of anger on here. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I caused pain. Believe me, I have had to deal with what I did, and I had my share of pain. That's not what this post was about. And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

You may not think much of what I did, and I will agree that an affair isn't an accident, I take full responsibility for it, I never said "oops, had an affair!" but I am still a human being with feelings. So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, and to top it off you were an other woman to your affair partner's ex-wife and was the major reason why he and her divorced. When your ex-husband cheated that's when you should've left, not waiting until you found someone else to mess around with. And you're still making excuses as to why you've set yourself in such a destructive enviornment.

[jenifer1972]

The only people who can sustain, or even want to sustain a relationship with an alcoholic are people with co- dependency problems. If you are continually drawn to him, that is what you should examine in yourself. And sorry to all the recovered alcoholics out there, a " dry" drunk still has the same pathology that he did when he was drinking. There is no magic personality change.

[NoLongerSad]

Wow, lots of anger on here. I'm not ignorant to the fact that I caused pain. Believe me, I have had to deal with what I did, and I had my share of pain. That's not what this post was about. And Karma? Yes it exists, because my husband actually cheated on me the year before I fell in love with someone else and left, so I guess he got his in the end, right?

 

You may not think much of what I did, and I will agree that an affair isn't an accident, I take full responsibility for it, I never said "oops, had an affair!" but I am still a human being with feelings. So before you start lashing out, think about the fact that these words are typed by a person who bleeds just like you do, and makes mistakes too. I am willing to bet you've caused someone pain in your day, and that doesn't make it OK for you to get pain in return. I would hope that someone would be able to show you compassion.

 

 

In addition to an apparent unawareness of the irony of your situation, your use of the inaccurate word "anger" to describe the general tenor of the reaction you've received is attributable to the similar lack of an ability on your part to perceive the intended emotional content of the posts. I.e. you "don't get it." The emotional flavor is not "anger" but you don't have enough of a nuanced understanding of your own situation, perhaps because of your immersion in it, to perceive the subtle shadings. It's more of an "irritation" or "frustration" at your lack of understanding, possibly because it's repeated so many times by similarly situation people, that many people just want to slap themselves in the forehead when they've heard the same story for the 1,000th time.

 

What everyone is trying to tell you, what you don't seem to get, the irony of the situation, that for all intents and purposes, your "fate was sealed" all those years ago when you first set foot on the path of cheating with this guy. It's probabilistic of course but there was only ever at best, a very slight chance things would work out. One way or the other most relationships started by two cheaters blow up sooner or later. The particular circumstances vary, but in general can be attributed to a mutual "lack of character" between the two "lovers." In this case it just so happened that the other party "broke" first.

 

IOW while lots of people here describe cheating as a "deliberate choice" rather than a "mistake," in cases such as your own, it appears to outsiders that the ultimate outcome is not even a matter of this choice or that, but rather, a consequence of a basic character flaw. This is the essence of classical tragedy--the ultimate doom of the protagonist is an inevitability of the hero or anti-hero's fundamental character flaw. Like a diamond with an interior crack, it can't be seen from the outside, it looks perfect, but given the right amount of pressure from the right angle, and it shatters to pieces. But the "cause" of the destruction of the gem, is not really the particular way in which the pressure is applied; it is inherent in the existence of the fundamental flaw.

[Distant78]

In addition to an apparent unawareness of the irony of your situation, your use of the inaccurate word "anger" to describe the general tenor of the reaction you've received is attributable to the similar lack of an ability on your part to perceive the intended emotional content of the posts. I.e. you "don't get it." The emotional flavor is not "anger" but you don't have enough of a nuanced understanding of your own situation, perhaps because of your immersion in it, to perceive the subtle shadings. It's more of an "irritation" or "frustration" at your lack of understanding, possibly because it's repeated so many times by similarly situation people, that many people just want to slap themselves in the forehead when they've heard the same story for the 1,000th time.

 

What everyone is trying to tell you, what you don't seem to get, the irony of the situation, that for all intents and purposes, your "fate was sealed" all those years ago when you first set foot on the path of cheating with this guy. It's probabilistic of course but there was only ever at best, a very slight chance things would work out. One way or the other most relationships started by two cheaters blow up sooner or later. The particular circumstances vary, but in general can be attributed to a mutual "lack of character" between the two "lovers." In this case it just so happened that the other party "broke" first.

 

IOW while lots of people here describe cheating as a "deliberate choice" rather than a "mistake," in cases such as your own, it appears to outsiders that the ultimate outcome is not even a matter of this choice or that, but rather, a consequence of a basic character flaw. This is the essence of classical tragedy--the ultimate doom of the protagonist is an inevitability of the hero or anti-hero's fundamental character flaw. Like a diamond with an interior crack, it can't be seen from the outside, it looks perfect, but given the right amount of pressure from the right angle, and it shatters to pieces. But the "cause" of the destruction of the gem, is not really the particular way in which the pressure is applied; it is inherent in the existence of the fundamental flaw.

 

This is one of the most intelligent posts I have ever read. This looks like someone's telling a deep descriptive story the way you put those words together.

[LAO]

I can agree with people on here. What you did was wrong, and I don't feel sorry for you. I'm not going to grill you about karma, but here is my take on this situation.

 

First of all, when you said he had stated "you never know the future" when you asked him about cheating. Why did you get so angry? I'm sure you never saw yourself cheating until it happened. (Maybe you did, just making an assumption here?) Your OM is just giving you an honest answer here, and you're responding by getting irrational to a question you should have been ready to hear the answer too.

 

Second of all, when he wants to take a break, you say that you call and call and call him... and then text him... and then beg him. You go through his text messages, and question him to no end. I can see why he'd begin to get frustrated by your constant questioning and interrogation. I used to do this with my ex, and now I can understand why he left me. I came across as a psycho b!7ch because I was so insecure with myself... You're so defensive because you cheated on your EH, and now you feel the same will happen too you. You're clingy with this man (with the constant calling and texting) and you're co dependent on him. Anybody with self worth would have walked out by now.

 

Yes, everybody makes mistakes. I do NOT condone cheating in any way, shape, or form... but if I were to be a savvy player, I would not be with the person who I had cheated on my SO with. It's foolish to think if someone was OK with you cheating on your SO, that they wont be OK with cheating on you. He probably lacks respect for you, like someone else had said, and you probably lack respect for yourself.

 

Now you're going to go away and three things will happen...

A. You'll take this advice with a grain of salt, and continue to let this man treat you like this. (And I know people are saying you deserve it to some extent, but no one deserves that. Even cheaters.)

B. You'll take this advice with a grain of salt and in a few weeks get dumped.

or, hopefully,

C. You walk away from this relationship, and take time for yourself. Maybe go see a counselor. Try and come to terms of why you cheated, and don't get in a relationship until you feel and know you can be 100% faithful, and so can the other partner.

[bentnotbroken]

In addition to an apparent unawareness of the irony of your situation, your use of the inaccurate word "anger" to describe the general tenor of the reaction you've received is attributable to the similar lack of an ability on your part to perceive the intended emotional content of the posts. I.e. you "don't get it." The emotional flavor is not "anger" but you don't have enough of a nuanced understanding of your own situation, perhaps because of your immersion in it, to perceive the subtle shadings. It's more of an "irritation" or "frustration" at your lack of understanding, possibly because it's repeated so many times by similarly situation people, that many people just want to slap themselves in the forehead when they've heard the same story for the 1,000th time.

 

What everyone is trying to tell you, what you don't seem to get, the irony of the situation, that for all intents and purposes, your "fate was sealed" all those years ago when you first set foot on the path of cheating with this guy. It's probabilistic of course but there was only ever at best, a very slight chance things would work out. One way or the other most relationships started by two cheaters blow up sooner or later. The particular circumstances vary, but in general can be attributed to a mutual "lack of character" between the two "lovers." In this case it just so happened that the other party "broke" first.

 

IOW while lots of people here describe cheating as a "deliberate choice" rather than a "mistake," in cases such as your own, it appears to outsiders that the ultimate outcome is not even a matter of this choice or that, but rather, a consequence of a basic character flaw. This is the essence of classical tragedy--the ultimate doom of the protagonist is an inevitability of the hero or anti-hero's fundamental character flaw. Like a diamond with an interior crack, it can't be seen from the outside, it looks perfect, but given the right amount of pressure from the right angle, and it shatters to pieces. But the "cause" of the destruction of the gem, is not really the particular way in which the pressure is applied; it is inherent in the existence of the fundamental flaw.

 

 

Wow! This post is awesome.

[1956peace]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are feeling badly, but you said you have changed and learned throughout your process and that is a good thing.

So what you should have learned is that cheating while in a committed relationship is not okay........I would say that you are in a relationship with someone one that just doesn't have the same boundaries as you do when it comes to this subject.........Don't disrespect yourself any longer with this guy....even though you had an affair yourself(with him) you are a good person, you made a mistake don't make anymore......

Brush yourself off and realize you made a bad judgement call and now it's over.

Move on now being that person you have grown into, don't ever put yourself into a relationship with anyone who has cheated........and conduct yourself with integrity and honesty............

Over time you will surround yourself with people that share your boundaries and you won't ever have this problem again. Cut your losses and look at it as a life lesson

[Quiet Storm]

I should add that he's an alcoholic who had been dry since we'd gotten together - I told him that being with me meant he had to give up drinking.

 

 

If he is truly an alcoholic, it is very unlikey that he was able to stop drinking just because you wanted him to.

 

He is probably a somewhat functional alcoholic, and he has been able to hide it well because you don't live together.

 

For alcoholics, their main concern is the booze. If he feels you are getting too close, he will try to distance himself because he wants to protect his drinking.

 

Having multiple partners is common theme with alcoholics. It goes along with mysterious dents on their car, physical mishaps like falling down the stairs, and missing blocks of memory (black-outs).

 

I would look for some of these signs, and question why you really want to be with this guy. He sounds like he's a mess, and the last thing you need is for him to drag you down with him.