Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Hello all! Im going through quite a lot in my life right now and im having some huge issues dealing with the transitions and didnt know where to turn-so thats how I ended up here. A little background to my issues, Its quite the crazy mess so Ill try and shorten it as much as possible. I was married to a US Army soldier for 4 years and together for 6 (since I was 18years old). We endured 2 deployments together and it was by no means an easy relationship. I took a lot of abuse that I shouldnt have, both physical and emotional. I was repeatedly told I was ugly, disgusting, had nothing to offer anyone, and that no one would ever truly love me. At first I didnt believe it, but after hearing those things repeatedly they began to sink in. I also found out when he left and I took over the bills that he had gotten us so far into debt we were about to lose everything and come to find out it was due to his incessant cheating and apparent fondness for strippers. But I stuck through it and decided I was going to make my marriage work, that I made a commitment and I was determined to stick with it. At the end of 2009 he returned home from a tour in Iraq and basically explained he no longer wanted to be with me. Essentially he kicked me out of our home and gave me nothing more than an overnight bag full of clothes. I found out that just a few short weeks after kicking me out of my home he started dating what *WAS* my best friend of more than 15 years. He has since given her MY car, had my dog euthanised, my cat given to the shelter, and had a yardsale selling all of my possessions before moving into a home with his new love. Weve been going through a nasty divorce for over a year now and there seems to be no end in sight. When we separated my sister in law tragically passed away so I moved in with my brother to help him through the rough period he was going through. Shortly after moving in with him, he ran into a friend he grew up with and he quickly moved into the house as well. I felt a spark for him almost instantly, a connection that was undeniable and unlike anything Id really ever felt before. His friend began having deep and serious feelings for me and for a while I was very offputting and perhaps rude at times. He kept telling me he had feelings for me and he was falling in love with me and I always responded telling him if he couldnt keep his emotions to himself hed have to leave. After several months, I gave in to my emotions and we started a relationship and quite frankly hes the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for. Hes very kind, and conscious of my feelings, compassionate, and patient with me. But I have this problem that I cant figure out how to overcome. I really feel like I cant trust anyone anymore, which has caused me to become insanely jealous. Its to the point where he, despite loving me, is almost ready to call it quits and frankly I dont blame him. Maybe its because I was caught so off guard to the "double life" my husband was leaving that I feel I need to be one step ahead. Any little thing triggers my jealousy and I begin to ask a million questions and basically accuse him of doing the things my husband did. I am aware that its not fair to hold him accountable for that, I just dont know how to fix it. I simultaneously lost both my husband and best friend-the 2 people in the world who I trusted and cared about the most. I know this was long-winded and I apologize but if anyone has been through even a remotely similar situation or could offer some advice I would greatly appreciate it. I am calling to schedule some counciling next week, but right now this is eating away at me and I could really use some help. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Girl, you gotta get some help! Your exH was a complete and utter ******* to you! You need to get into counselling and get the issues your ex gave you sorted through! Only then will you be able to give this new man 100% of you, and 0% of issues from you ******* Ex. Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 My wife went through a similar situation with her ex and it took her 5 years to finally get into a real relationship again she has never had counseling and believes that she is completely over it however the situation im in with her now reaks of her hurt and lack of trust caused by him. She gave him every chance in the world gave him a year after seperation to get help she stayed with him for a year in which she was mentally abused constantly physically abused a little and sexually abused to the point of rape and still gave this fu**er a year to get help in which he then cheated on her right when she was ready to move back with him. My advice to you is to get help work through your problems and never even if it hurts never let what that bastard did to you play anypart in your new relationship you are at this time in a rebound and to make it work you have to let go of the hurt that your ex caused find you the real you when you start to get your bad urges go to the bathroom and stare in the mirror and talk your self down only you can get control of this nobody else can do it for you. Dont let this relationship fall apart becouse of what your ex did to you that just makes it so he wins again. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE BACK FROM HIM!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thank you both. I know I need help because Ive come to realize this is just something I cant conquer on my own. Ive always been a very strong willed and prideful person so asking for help has been tough to come to terms with. But I do know know that I will subconsciously sabotage ANY relationship because of the things my husband did to me and sirweasel, youre right. By doing that it means he wins, and I just cant have that. I will be going to counciling next week, but sometimes knowing other people understand based on experience is better than getting advise from someone who (granted has a degree to do so) but hasnt been in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 By the way you are an attractive woman. You are not ugly at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a piece of crap when you were married. Counseling is what you need, and you need to stick with it. Your ex did a number on you, and it will take you a long time to heal from what you went through. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 By the way you are an attractive woman. You are not ugly at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a piece of crap when you were married. Counseling is what you need, and you need to stick with it. Your ex did a number on you, and it will take you a long time to heal from what you went through. I am going to counseling right now after my husband left me and dumped all the blame on me. Its not gonna be easy but I know I will be a better woman for it, and when its time to marry the next man I will get pre-marriage counselling. I too am stubborn, prideful, and independent. But after hitting the rock bottom i realized I couldn't do it myself and that's what counselors are there for. Good counselors have seen it all and won't be judgmental of you and what you went through. Don't let your ex ruin this relationship with the new guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 By the way you are an attractive woman. You are not ugly at all. I'm sorry you had to deal with such a piece of crap when you were married. Counseling is what you need, and you need to stick with it. Your ex did a number on you, and it will take you a long time to heal from what you went through. Thank you so much for saying that!! My confidence wasnt only broken by what he and my "friend" did, but also the fact that she is 350lbs and covered literally in tattoos...doesnt bode well for a womans confidence... Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 My wifes ex married a russian hooker from korea no **** he picked off of one of the couches and paid for her she wasnt the first one he picked off of that couch but he did marry her and brought her back to the US he is now married to the biggest bit** ive ever met she has sent him to the hospital numerous time and has robbed him of any pride he may have still had. believe me when I tell you they get whats comin to them one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am going to counseling right now after my husband left me and dumped all the blame on me. Its not gonna be easy but I know I will be a better woman for it, and when its time to marry the next man I will get pre-marriage counselling. I too am stubborn, prideful, and independent. But after hitting the rock bottom i realized I couldn't do it myself and that's what counselors are there for. Good counselors have seen it all and won't be judgmental of you and what you went through. Don't let your ex ruin this relationship with the new guy! I'm definitely doing premarital counceling if I remarry for the second time. I can't handle going through another divorce! Link to post Share on other sites
Norville_Rogers Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 My suggestion is to do two things....finalize your divorce with the old guy and go to couseling with the new guy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Yes hun, do get some therapy. What your X did to you was horrible, and until you work through it, you will not be able to give 'anything' of substance to another person. When we are screwed over in such a way by the one person that was supposed to love us unconditionally until death, it really plays with your head - and your heart. My story in basic is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255856/ It is amazing how though we were once strong, independent women, that we gave a man the 'power' to make us into a shell of our former selves. It is called 'gaslighting', and it is so subtle, and carried on over a period of time, that we don't even realize what is happening until it is too late. I was raised to believe that that 'piece of paper' meant something. I took my vows seriously - good/bad, rich/poor, sickness/health til death. Unfortunately, he didn't. I have come to realize that that is not a defect in ME, but in HIM. It didn't make me weak by staying true to my vows. He was a vile/evil monster who led such a double life, that he fooled absolutely EVERYONE. The one big mistake I did make, was getting involved with someone so soon this past summer. I met up with an old friend from my high school days in July (only a month after my X was finally caught and incarcerated - he went on the run). The new guy and I were hot and heavy very quickly. He practically moved into my place, and I did many things that were very out of character for me. I am also bi-polar. I now know that I was in a complete 'manic' stage. I suspected it at the time, but was having too much fun, and needed the distraction. Unfortunately, what goes up, must come down, and when it came down, it crashed and burned in a huge way. I had a meltdown and fell into the dreaded 'depressive' stage. The guy I was with had not seen that side, and it scared the living he11 out of him. Plus at this time (October) I was dealing with the trial etc. Needless to say, he backed off, and I don't blame him in the least. Through my therapy and own self-reflection, I know that I was using the distraction to avoid dealing with what I really needed to. I wasn't ready for a relationship and it wasn't fair to him. He and I are still in contact (limited), but I know that I really need to get my own **** together if I am ever to be whole again. Quite honestly, at this point in time, I cannot see myself with anyone. My trust is destroyed. I am suspicious of 'ulterior' motives where ever I look. But I also know that this is MY issue, and I am hoping therapy will help me deal with this. It also helps that for the first time ever (been in and out of some sort of therapy for 25 years) I am actually being completely honest . If that is you in the picture, You my dear, are BEAUTIFUL!!! Don't let what a narcissistic, sociopathic ba8stard said and did to you, control your life, or your future. (yes, I really wish I could follow my own advice ). You are young and have so much to give to someone once you get over the hurt dealt to you by him. Be patient with yourself. It takes time. It's been 7 months for me since I first had my X arrested. I still have a long way to go. And I am not quite as young as you are . But, we WILL get through it. And we WILL discover that strong, independent woman again. This I know. Best of luck to you sweetie. The people here at LS are among the best <3 Link to post Share on other sites
vtbrokenhearted Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 It's taken me a while to realize and ADMIT it to myself, but my stbx would say things like that to me too. It's left me questioning if I am beautiful and if I am capable of being loved. I've just recently brought this aspect of our relationship up to close friends who are helping me get through this, and they've been astonished. Astonished that I don't recognize my beauty and that he would say such hurtful things to me. I hope you can let yourself be loved. Counseling has helped me a great deal and I hope it helps you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Norville-Youre completely right! I talked with the new guy last night and told him that I finally broke down and called to get some counciling. It was scary for me to admit it to him because when I tried to go to counciling when I was with my ex he was nothing short of dissatisfied and nearly forbid me to do so (another of his control techniques). So when I spoke with the new guy last night, to my surprise he was SOO super supportive and even offered to go with me!! He said he had been thinking a lot about it and he realizes that the way I feel isnt necessarily my fault, and that he was so proud and honored that id take such a step to better myself and our relationship that he would do anything he could to help me through this-no matter what that entailed. Its little things like that that make me realize NOT every man is going to do to me what my ex did. He explained to me that I AM worthy of so much more than I was given with my ex and I truly trusted and believed everything that he said. He, along with counciling, I know will help me through this. Comethemorning-Im so sorry. It honestly scares me to think people can take such advantage of pure wholesome devotion and love. I know many people on here have heartwrenching stories but it is such an emotionally uplifting thing to see that despite the horrific things some of us have endured that, at some point, just like you I will be able to take back control of my life and become a better person for it. After talking to my new guy last night and having the wonderful support of the people who have responded to me here I had a bit of an epiphany, that instead of fearing this or letting my pride get in the way, I am going to embrace all that has happened to me and turn it into something positive. I have let this torture me for too long and I am actually, in a sense, excited to watch the transformation back into my old self. I truly, whole heartedly cant express what your words have meant to me. This is exactly what I needed and I am so grateful that I found this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Going to be blunt here. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sorry that you've been cheated on but you're doing the same thing yourself. You should've divorced him when you found out he cheated. Now you're becoming the very thing you hate about your husband. Go NC with this other man and get some counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Going to be blunt here. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sorry that you've been cheated on but you're doing the same thing yourself. You should've divorced him when you found out he cheated. Now you're becoming the very thing you hate about your husband. Go NC with this other man and get some counseling. I am by no means cheating on him. Weve been legally separated for over a year now. And I apologize if I didnt divorce him when I found out...read the post-I was controlled and manipulated and actually took my vows seriously. Until youve been in that situation its a lot easier said than done... Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) The first step is admitting you have a problem. I found that step really easy. The second step Is getting help for your problem. It took me 2 1/2 years to finally get help. The hardest part of having mental problems that were brought on by a situation is seeking help for them. I believe the most important step is seeking help. I have improved alot since I finally got medicated. You are doing the right thing you will beat this. Going to be blunt here. Two wrongs don't make a right. Sorry that you've been cheated on but you're doing the same thing yourself. You should've divorced him when you found out he cheated. Now you're becoming the very thing you hate about your husband. Go NC with this other man and get some counseling. Today 11:59 pay no mind to negetive responses. She is doing nothing wrong here she has been fighting for a devorce her stbx is in another relationship. the only thing Id say is you moved a little fast and gave yourself no time to heal rebound relationships can be very hurtfull be carefull. Edited January 9, 2011 by sirweasles Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am by no means cheating on him. Weve been legally separated for over a year now. And I apologize if I didnt divorce him when I found out...read the post-I was controlled and manipulated and actually took my vows seriously. Until youve been in that situation its a lot easier said than done... Hun, you beat me to it - was about to provide a 'smackdown' of my own!!! Good on you for being up front and honest with your new guy. One thing I would suggest though, is go to the therapy on your own. You will not be able to be completely honest and forthright with your therapist if he is there (as you will, whether consciously/subconsciously, be keeping his feelings in mind as opposed to getting all the 'bad' stuff out). My therapist has been doing 'unblocking' sessions with me - to get at the stuff that is buried - and there is No Way I could be honest about any of it if I knew someone else was listening. (Many times my daughter and I have sessions together due to the circumstances of the abuse). Again, Good on you. You sound very strong and determined to me, and I have no doubt that you will succeed in life. Remember, you are not alone. And you are beautiful and worthy of love. Always!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 beat me too it aswell lol good for you Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am by no means cheating on him. Weve been legally separated for over a year now. And I apologize if I didnt divorce him when I found out...read the post-I was controlled and manipulated and actually took my vows seriously. Until youve been in that situation its a lot easier said than done... I agree with you. You tried to for give him and save your marriage. Your stbx mad no effort to to change or save your marriage. You are pretty much divorced since you both don't live together and have been apart for almost a year. All you both have to is sign the papers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Hun, you beat me to it - was about to provide a 'smackdown' of my own!!! Good on you for being up front and honest with your new guy. One thing I would suggest though, is go to the therapy on your own. You will not be able to be completely honest and forthright with your therapist if he is there (as you will, whether consciously/subconsciously, be keeping his feelings in mind as opposed to getting all the 'bad' stuff out). My therapist has been doing 'unblocking' sessions with me - to get at the stuff that is buried - and there is No Way I could be honest about any of it if I knew someone else was listening. (Many times my daughter and I have sessions together due to the circumstances of the abuse). Again, Good on you. You sound very strong and determined to me, and I have no doubt that you will succeed in life. Remember, you are not alone. And you are beautiful and worthy of love. Always!!!!!!! Oh I do intend on going alone, but the fact he offered to go if/when I needed him too was really nice. I know this is a demon I have to conquer on my own but he is also a part of this now, so its nice to know he is there to support me if/when I need it:) Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I am by no means cheating on him. Weve been legally separated for over a year now. And I apologize if I didnt divorce him when I found out...read the post-I was controlled and manipulated and actually took my vows seriously. Until youve been in that situation its a lot easier said than done... Doesn't matter you're still participating in the same behavior your husband did to you. You're still married and messing around with another dude. That's not good. You're only prolonging the issues you must face. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Doesn't matter you're still participating in the same behavior your husband did to you. You're still married and messing around with another dude. That's not good. You're only prolonging the issues you must face. Actually what youre saying is "prolonging the issues". If you think about this on a deeper level my ex prevented me from being a happy, rational, and normal person. So what youre saying is I should could continue to give him the control and not make myself happy? Im sorry but Im doing things for me now. Yes I am still married, but not for lack of trying to get divorced. HE is intentionally prolonging the divorce in hopes that Ill run out of money and give in to him not having to give me anything so he can share it all with his new girlfriend. I hardly think thats fair. At this rate there is no telling when my divorce will be finalized...here I am a year later and no closer to being divorced than the day we separated. I wouldnt call it "messing around". Read up on your legal facts, being legally separated means you are free to do whatever with whomever you want to. It could be years before this is over and I refuse to give him anymore control than he has already taken from me. I was under the assumption this was a positive forum...maybe you should watch Bambi-If you dont have anything nice to say maybe you shouldnt say anything at all. I asked for advice from people who have been in my situation and clearly judging by your responses youve not been. So, while I appreciate your opinion I think your expertise would be better suited elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Actually what youre saying is "prolonging the issues". If you think about this on a deeper level my ex prevented me from being a happy, rational, and normal person. So what youre saying is I should could continue to give him the control and not make myself happy? Im sorry but Im doing things for me now. Yes I am still married, but not for lack of trying to get divorced. HE is intentionally prolonging the divorce in hopes that Ill run out of money and give in to him not having to give me anything so he can share it all with his new girlfriend. I hardly think thats fair. At this rate there is no telling when my divorce will be finalized...here I am a year later and no closer to being divorced than the day we separated. I wouldnt call it "messing around". Read up on your legal facts, being legally separated means you are free to do whatever with whomever you want to. It could be years before this is over and I refuse to give him anymore control than he has already taken from me. I was under the assumption this was a positive forum...maybe you should watch Bambi-If you dont have anything nice to say maybe you shouldnt say anything at all. I asked for advice from people who have been in my situation and clearly judging by your responses youve not been. So, while I appreciate your opinion I think your expertise would be better suited elsewhere. I'm not saying you can't be happy. If you really wanted the divorce it would've been finished by now. By you getting involved with another man while you're married is showing your husband he's in control of you. You must not stoop to his level. Separation doesn't mean anything. You're still married Link to post Share on other sites
Author Abrewersbaby Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) I'm not saying you can't be happy. If you really wanted the divorce it would've been finished by now. By you getting involved with another man while you're married is showing your husband he's in control of you. You must not stoop to his level. Separation doesn't mean anything. You're still married Youre right, I couldve been divorced IF I agreed to take on 1/2 of the debt he accumulated from cheating on me and his stripper habit. After being a housewife for 4 years and not working...Sorry, not happening. Im sorry but I find it appalling that you would compare me to such a disgusting excuse for a spouse. By getting involved with another man while still legally married (although separated for over a YEAR) Im TAKING CONTROL BACK, Im doing something for me which is something I did not do for many years. Separation obviously does mean something or why would it even be a legal term? Marriage at this point is just a legality, nothing more than a piece of paper that im trying my HARDEST to get nullified. What if you met the love of your life while you were going through your divorce? Are you supposed to just let that person pass you by because you have no control over the court system and cant get your divorce finalized-at no fault of your own-despite your efforts? Explain to me how that ISNT giving him the control... Edited January 9, 2011 by Abrewersbaby Link to post Share on other sites
comethemorning Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I'm not saying you can't be happy. If you really wanted the divorce it would've been finished by now. By you getting involved with another man while you're married is showing your husband he's in control of you. You must not stoop to his level. Separation doesn't mean anything. You're still married Wow. Just Wow. Did you even READ the original post? HE cheated on her. With HER Best Friend. Of whom HE then Replaced HER with in HER home, with HER things, and destroyed HER pets. Sorry, but HE is the one who made the marriage INVALID the FIRST time he decided to stick it to someone else. HE berated HER and made HER feel like she was useless. ANY abuse INVALIDATES a marriage as well IMHO. She is finally picking herself up and getting on with her life. It has been a bloody YEAR, and he is NOT making it easy on her. Seriously, WTF?!? So I guess that I am a harlot as well. Oh bloody well. The only thing left in my marriage is the signing of the papers. Oh, but my flcking X is in the mflcking Penitentiary Where I Put Him for the next 6 years. Why you ask? Because I found out he was sexually abusing our 16 year old daughter for the last 13 f*cking years. Do I feel beholden to that piece of paper? Not in the least!!! Nor should she. Ohhhh. I am so angry right now, that I am just going to stop. Link to post Share on other sites
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