Newbie in need

[Abrewersbaby]

I posted this in the wrong forum first so Im going to repost it here:

Hello all! Im going through quite a lot in my life right now and im having some huge issues dealing with the transitions and didnt know where to turn-so thats how I ended up here. A little background to my issues, Its quite the crazy mess so Ill try and shorten it as much as possible. I was married to a US Army soldier for 4 years and together for 6 (since I was 18years old). We endured 2 deployments together and it was by no means an easy relationship. I took a lot of abuse that I shouldnt have, both physical and emotional. I was repeatedly told I was ugly, disgusting, had nothing to offer anyone, and that no one would ever truly love me. At first I didnt believe it, but after hearing those things repeatedly they began to sink in. I also found out when he left and I took over the bills that he had gotten us so far into debt we were about to lose everything and come to find out it was due to his incessant cheating and apparent fondness for strippers. But I stuck through it and decided I was going to make my marriage work, that I made a commitment and I was determined to stick with it. At the end of 2009 he returned home from a tour in Iraq and basically explained he no longer wanted to be with me. Essentially he kicked me out of our home and gave me nothing more than an overnight bag full of clothes. I found out that just a few short weeks after kicking me out of my home he started dating what *WAS* my best friend of more than 15 years. He has since given her MY car, had my dog euthanised, my cat given to the shelter, and had a yardsale selling all of my possessions before moving into a home with his new love. Weve been going through a nasty divorce for over a year now and there seems to be no end in sight. When we separated my sister in law tragically passed away so I moved in with my brother to help him through the rough period he was going through. Shortly after moving in with him, he ran into a friend he grew up with and he quickly moved into the house as well. I felt a spark for him almost instantly, a connection that was undeniable and unlike anything Id really ever felt before. His friend began having deep and serious feelings for me and for a while I was very offputting and perhaps rude at times. He kept telling me he had feelings for me and he was falling in love with me and I always responded telling him if he couldnt keep his emotions to himself hed have to leave. After several months, I gave in to my emotions and we started a relationship and quite frankly hes the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for. Hes very kind, and conscious of my feelings, compassionate, and patient with me. But I have this problem that I cant figure out how to overcome. I really feel like I cant trust anyone anymore, which has caused me to become insanely jealous. Its to the point where he, despite loving me, is almost ready to call it quits and frankly I dont blame him. Maybe its because I was caught so off guard to the "double life" my husband was leaving that I feel I need to be one step ahead. Any little thing triggers my jealousy and I begin to ask a million questions and basically accuse him of doing the things my husband did. I am aware that its not fair to hold him accountable for that, I just dont know how to fix it. I simultaneously lost both my husband and best friend-the 2 people in the world who I trusted and cared about the most. I know this was long-winded and I apologize but if anyone has been through even a remotely similar situation or could offer some advice I would greatly appreciate it. I am calling to schedule some counciling next week, but right now this is eating away at me and I could really use some help.

[Abrewersbaby]

Hi there. I am sorry you are going through a rough time right now. I can sympathize with military relationships and deployments, I have been out for over a year, Marine Corps, and have had multiple combat deployments in Iraq & Afghanistan. Let me ask you this. How was he prior to his deployments. The reason I am asking is that war takes a toll on people, psychologically, etc. A lot are diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and a variety of other things expecially anxiety, depression, and basically lashing out at the world. This is not by any means, me condoning or making excuses for what he did, I am just trying to get a perspective on the relationship prior to him deploying. Deployments are rough on relationships, trust me I know quite a few fellow Marines who have their world turned upside down by returning and losing their marriages. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to concentrate on you right now. Although you said you were rude which I think was a defensive mechanism, you gave in to this guys advances. Although you gave in, winding up liking him, the issues of your last relationship remain unresolved. If you like this guy enough, I suggest couples counseling or counseling for just you. This will help you, and if things don't work out with this guy in the long run you will be emotionally available for a healthy relationship. I hope things work out and let me know how it goes.

Well, my ex was a captain and company commander so unfortunately ive seen the awful repercussions of PTSD and how they affect relationships through his soldiers. Frankly I dont think that had anything really do do with it. Come to find out that this "double life" he was living transpired the majority of our relationship. He just didnt know what it meant to devote himself to any one person or thing. Apparently hes not an "exclusive" kind of guy. As I said I posted this is another forum and have gotten and responded to more than in this one. Thought maybe this will give you more of a perspective...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t260095/