Mental Abuse from Dad

[daughter]

If anyone else has been in a similar situation, please help me. I will try to shorten this story down.

 

For as long as I can remember my first memories, I've never had a "dad". I mean, I had the sperm donor married to my mom and living with us, but he was never a dad, he was The Manager. That's what he was and always has been to everyone in the family. This man had to know every little insignificant detail of my life. Everytime he came home from work, he would go through my bookbag, my cellphone (when I got one, which wasn't till I was 16), my computer (through all my files, visited websites, everything), and then would quiz me on where I had been all day without my mom in the room, and then quiz her to see if the "stories matched up". I wasn't allowed anywhere except to go to school, or to the grocery store with my mom. If I had to get up to go use the restroom during dinner, he would question me before I could even go to the bathroom. If I "took too long" he'd ask what I was doing and ask for my phone. I wasn't allowed any guy friends, so let alone date. He was controlling. Everytime I confronted him about anything, his answer would always be "you're young, you're stupid, you know nothing of the world". I never knew why he'd go through my stuff, and control my life. Every aspect of my life. It went as far as if he didn't hear of me having my period one month (from me or my mom when asked) he'd challenge me and ask me if I was pregnant or whoring it up at school. He even controlled what I could and couldn't wear. Then he'd turn around and one day would be nice and buy me something (which I later on in life called "guilt gifts").

 

The there's my mom. My mom was spineless. I thought I could trust her. I thought I could talk to her, and made the same mistake 3 times. Three times I told her something, and asked her not to tell my dad. She told him. She never stood up for me, she never protected me. I never had a trusting relationship with her, and never had a conversation deeper than about the weather.

 

Now, today, I am 20 years old, almost 21, and have been living on my own since I was 18. My dad still has control over me though. He has the car under his name, and sometimes helps me monetarily (which doesn't affect him considering he makes 6 digits a year).

 

I can't take the stress anymore, it's affecting every aspect of my life; my relationship, my work, my school, and just my mental health. He is good with mind games, he is good at being able to get what he wants (every detail of my life) and find a way to make me feel guilty when I try to stick up for myself. My fiance's family wants us to move with them. I'll be in a loving environment, be in a good nursing school, and be away from this family for good (no contact). The thing is, I feel this guilt because I feel like I should have a relationship with this man because I am his daughter, and only because of that fact. I also think it's about the money, but it's not a lot.

 

I don't know what to do with myself, I'm driving myself mad. He'll work me up and mess with my head and want every detail of my life, even now (he harasses my school, I get emails daily from my admissions director of him calling/emailing nonstop). I shouldn't feel guilty! I should feel like I will be liberated, that I will finally be able to live my own life free from the crushing stress and bull, but I don't. I don't think our relationships could ever be saved, my dad seriously doesn't see anything wrong with his actions. I told him I wanted to go to family counseling, but he said "that's only for f****ed up families, we're fine". And truthfully, I am over my family. I want out, forever,

 

Please help me, please tell me what the hell I'm supposed to feel. Why do I feel so guilty when such a golden opportunity comes up...

Edited January 9, 2011 by daughter

[wuggle]

please tell me what the hell I'm supposed to feel. Why do I feel so guilty when such a golden opportunity comes up...

 

Your not supposed to feel anything other than what you are feeling, from what you have posted your feelings seem perfectly reasonable to me. Your father's controlling nature is NOT your fault, it's his, and I doubt very much whether anything you can do (short of ensuring you never see him) will have any affect on that nature, he is broken and has to fix himself. As for your mother being weak, again NOT your fault.

 

It sounds like the money thing is an excuse (not sure though from your post, only you can answer that one, is it possible , even if it means a worse standard of living , to NOT accept any financial help from your father ?).

 

You seem to have an opportunity to get away from someone who is making you unhappy and is in danger of ruining your life. I suggest you take it and try to find your own happiness where you can.

 

You should NOT feel guilty about not seeing your family, again from what I have read this is NOT your fault it's his, you have even tried maturely to suggest counselling and he shuns the idea. HE and only HE can sort himself out. At the end of the day you are only responsible for yourself and making sure you make the best of YOUR life.

 

You need to now let go and find your own place in the world, and whatever happiness and meaning YOU can find, not HIM.

 

Good luck

[freestyle]

I agree with Wuggle......even though a large section of society will try to guilt you with:

 

"but he's your father........."

 

That section of society most likely never had to deal with being raised by a personality disordered parent.So, don't allow anyone to guilt trip you that way.

 

There is nothing wrong with setting firm boundaries to protect your peace of mind.It's really the only thing you can do.You will never be able to control your father's actions,thoughts, or feelings.But you can control whether or not you allow someone like that to be in your life, once you reach adulthood.

 

Here's an excerpt on the parent-child relationship by Kahlil Gibran--maybe your familiar with it already.......

http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

 

Maybe the words will ring true for you.

 

It seems to me that your father is viewing you as an extension of what he wants you to be--instead of allowing you to simply .......be.

 

It's one of the cruelest things a parent can do (whether or not that's their intention) It will smother your soul if you allow it.

[sally4sara]

I understand that you feel a lack of basic respect from your father. He is a bit overboard. But then, not having a concerned parent is an overboard situation as well.

You are correct though in that it is time for you to steer your own life and its course. That means being self sufficient and cutting all the strings with which your father controls your actions. If he pays for your car, shelter, school whatever, and threatens to stop if you don't do ABC as he sees fit, you need to remove his leverage by showing him that you don't need those things enough (from him anyway) to continue to let him dictate your life.

 

It would help if we knew what these things are that you want that he is opposed to. Some of the things I wanted when I was just starting out as an adult were not the best choices but damned if I wanted to hear otherwise!

 

I do want to caution you about one troubling aspect of your post. That is your plan to fold yourself into your SO's family and cut all ties. You may find that after you stop taking monetary support from your father, a new way of associating and a more respectful relationship might be possible. And it might not - who knows? Not you because you haven't tried.

 

I see your impulse to get in under the wing of your SO's family to be a running away tactic. You still won't be standing on your own two feet. You still will be under the watch of elders. I've seen even the shiniest of nice parents turn on their grown child's SO and take sides when their kid's relationship becomes tense (and all relationships have tension now and then). You could move with them and cut all ties with your own only to once again feeling controlled by their judgment. You haven't learned to stand alone yet. Your father hasn't allowed it so its no wonder you're leaning to find a replacement for him rather than making his position obsolete or taking up the position of Manager yourself.

 

I recommend you become The Manager first. Your fiance and his family will still be there and you can become part of their family without becoming their ward.

Edited January 9, 2011 by sally4sara

[Goldenspoon]

Consider yourself lucky that you have a father and a mother who care about you, and did not physically or sexually abused you. Many girls out there can't say the same.

[shayan]

your guilt is a chain, if you feel like you need the distance then do it. I don't know if I would completely cut off my parents though I would just draw boundaries you need to be more forthwright and stern. We are only manipulated when we allow ourselves to be.

[Spark1111]

His behavior is rediculous, it is sooooo beyond the pale.

 

Sooner or later you are going to have to put your foot down and enforce your boundaries of privacy.

 

Find a counselor (MSW) on campus and confide your situation to them. They are not allowed by law to tell unless you are a threat to yourself or others.

 

Then enlist their help in getting him to back off. There are right to privacy laws protecting adults at age 18. He cannot and should not know everything about your college life, even if HE IS paying for it!

 

Your sexual history has been private since the age of 16. Did you know that? You should have told him your menstral cycle is absolutely none of his business.

 

Do you fear he will cut you off financially if you put your foot down? Is there a family member both you and he trust, like an uncle or close friend? Could this person influence him to back off and let you grow up?

 

Because yes! Your privacy is being invaded and you are being controlled.

[daughter]

Thank you for your replies, everyone, it has really helped me.

 

I was financially stable at 18, but he had paid for my textbooks my freshman year of college, and so he said he could pick my major since he paid for the books. I wanted to do Nursing, but he said that Nursing is for stupid since it's a per hour wage job. So he picked Economics, which I had no interest in. I tried pulling out a loan for to pay for my books, but everyone required a cosigner! (I have no family in the United States except for my parents. Everyone else is back in my home country, and since we moved to the U.S. I haven't had any contact with anyone). I moved to another state to go to a really good Nursing school, but I didn't want to cut all ties from my family, so I still kept in contact with my dad. Somehow in the conversation I let it slip that my fiance had found a job (my dad hates my fiance because he is American, he wanted to pick who I were to marry, even though that's not part of our culture) and my dad knew someone in that company, made a phone call, and my fiance didn't get the $18/hr position. So now we're living off of $8/hr plus my minimum wage part-time job that pays hardly anything. We're accepting $125 a month from him to help pay for rent.

 

Even so, the situation here is getting worse, and we live basically in a rat-hole. The jobs here, if you can find one, do not pay well unless you have a degree. My fiance's job is not secure, because once the site he works out gets bought, he's out of a job. He's been applying everywhere, calling up, showing up to the sites, but we end up with nothing. He's even expanded to towns an hour drive away.

 

I do feel in a way that I'm running away, but it's very tempting to go to a loving environment rather than stay somewhere to struggle and stress out.

 

Thank you very much Spark1111, Shayan, Sally4sara, Freestyle, and Wuggle.

 

Freestyle I opened your link and it made me very sad. That is not how my father views me. I think he wants me to be a little robot and do everything he says, or maybe be a carbon-copy of him. He gets very mad when I have my own opinions.

 

I know I have not giving enough details to really show how overbearing he is, but it's really frustrating when just thinking about him stresses me out. I may take some advice from you guys and maybe not cut him off completely, but the contact will be very limited.

 

Goldensppon, I know that being mentally and emotionally messed with isn't as bad as being physically or sexually abused, but that doesn't mean it isn't abuse. That's like saying someone that has cancer that has a cure shouldn't try to reach for compassion when there are people who have cancer with no cures. It still hurts.

[Vesna]

Regardless of the platform, be it emotionally or sexually, mentally or physically, abuse is abuse. No one should be forced to live in those conditions and I only wish I had seen the abuse my mother and step-father endowed me with as evil and soul-destroying, instead of for 'my own good'. I would have left them 20 years ago and who knows how happy I would be now? As it was, I put up with it, wondering why the Hell I am such a loser and a failure. I remember my mother telling me I was rubbish when I was 40 so I cut off contact with her. It was the smartest thing I ever did and I regret not leaving her sooner. I look at the scalpel in the top of my bathroom cabinet and think "today is the day". I hate myself because my parents hated me and it does not matter how old or young you are. Hateful abuse has no age or class distinction.

 

Goldenspoon, that was a hurtful comment and did nothing to help this young woman who is in trouble.

[freestyle]

Hey daughter~

 

I'm sorry if the link made you sad. I guess I wanted to share that philosophy with you--that it's not a child's job to live for their parents dreams, but to follow their own.I believe that was the point Gibran was making with that verse.Parents should be encouraging you to find your wings, and learn to fly on your own.

 

It is not your father's place to dictate your life, once you reach adulthood.

It actually does you a huge disservice, by attempting to keep you tethered.

 

Your father crossed the line of decency sabotaging your fiance's job.It's inexcusable.That, on top of all the years of psychological, and emotional abuse, as well as attempting to control your very soul--is legitimate grounds for disowning him entirely, or at least going very limited contact with him.Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that , either.There's nothing wrong with cutting someone out of your life, who consistently treats you with that level of disrespect.

 

I'd like to recommend that you check some other websites, specifically geared towards people with FOO issues (family of origin) .Your story actually is not that unusual. It might really help you to connect with other people going through the same kind of issues. I'm guessing your father has some form of personality disorder, based on what you've posted so far.Some of the other sites can help you understand the psychology underlying what's been happening with your family. Greater understanding=empowerment for you.

 

Best wishes~~FS

 

p.s. when I suggested checking other sites, I'm not implying that you can't get good support here-please do keep posting here, there's a lot a kind hearts here. I was suggesting that you supplement with further reading.

Edited January 10, 2011 by freestyle

[sally4sara]

I've never understood how some parents recognize the need for their kid to learn to go to the bathroom alone, dress themselves, feed themselves, and control themselves in public only to turn around once they're at a legally responsible age and expect to be able to choose their career path, religion, political affiliation and who to get married to for them.

 

Talk about having a god complex!

[Spark1111]

daughter....nursing is an amazing career to go into right now....try to specialize in something when the time is right...

 

With the current health care changes, nurses are being asked to shoulder more and more responsibilities and are making more money in the profession.

 

With seniority, many are able to flex their schedules allowing them to raise families which is a huge plus to any working woman.

 

Go be a nurse. Go be the absolute best nurse you can be. You will always work, especially if you specialize in a difficult department such as oncology, neo-natal, etc.

 

It seems that Dad, rather than supporting and encouraging your dreams, likes to sabotage you and keep you financially dependent on him...so he can control you.

 

I know this exists in many cultures, where daughters MUST obey the wishes of their fathers.

 

But this is America, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

 

It is your life. Make a plan, get a job, and try to avail yourself of all the opportunities out there.

 

Good luck to you. One question: You are somewhat young to be in a serious relationship.

 

How does your father feel about your bf?

[NoLongerSad]

Op you need some tough love.

 

You're living on your own, fine, he doesn't control you at all.

 

Don't take any money from him if strings are attached. Give the car back if need be. Or, take the money and the car and just do whatever you want, if he doesn't like it, he will stop giving you money.

 

Maybe that means you take the bus and not go to college while you work at two jobs 80 hours /week to pay for your own support and build up some savings, then, so be it.

 

There. I just solved your problem, it's called "grow up and stop whining."

 

No charge.

 

 

My fiance's family wants us to move with them. I'll be in a loving environment, be in a good nursing school, and be away from this family for good (no contact).

 

You even have a ready made exit strategy.

 

Stop pretending, your father must be some kind of rich businessman from the U.A.E. or something like that (repressive patriarchal culture of some kind) and the REAL reason you don't want to cut ties is because the dude is LOADED and you want to leave open the possibility of cashing in some day, either while he's alive or via an inheritance.

 

LOL you can't have it both ways honey. Too bad for you.

Edited January 11, 2011 by NoLongerSad

[spryte]

My father is the same...although he refers to himself as The Boss...says it often, in fact..that he is The Boss and basically can do as he pleases since he's the sole income earner

He continues to feel that way even once we all started working..he will always find a way to justify his behaviour..

because it was through his hard work that we lived comfortably, because he's the father, because he's a man...and all that bull****.

He told me many times I am stupid, that I am worthless, a nothing, a failure.

 

For years it's haunted me. Even though intellectually I knew what he said was not true, emotionally, I truly thought what he said was true. In fact that was my biggest fear...that what he's been saying is true and that I am stupid and a failure. Even using the word "intellectually" feels uncomfortable, because I do not feel that smart

 

For as long as I can remember my first memories, I've never had a "dad"....He was controlling. Everytime I confronted him about anything, his answer would always be "you're young, you're stupid, you know nothing of the world". I never knew why he'd go through my stuff, and control my life.

 

Sorry to say this; you sound like you love your father, even if you may not like him very much...but your father is rather obtuse...based on what you've written, it seems his Emotional Intelligence is very low

 

It is these words (ie; stupid, know nothing, young etc) that will have the most lasting impact.

 

I've found that my father uses words very carelessly...not realising how insulting it can be to the receiver...he thinks he is simply being honest and that his honesty will help...because he's made us realise how flawed we are.

Some sort of tough love, I suppose...but it only serves to push people away..

 

My mother says he does care, but he just does not know how to be a father, since his father died when he was very young. I think that's bull****. He likes thinking he's the smartest in the room. He uses words carelessly because he is careless with people's feelings.

He is concerned only with himself...sounds familiar..?

 

I've also found that he projects his own insecurities onto me, as well...and the more he sees me fighting his control, the more he needs to control me...

As if not having me under his control means he is a failure, because I am not behaving/being the way he wants.

I would think him assuming you're pregnant just because you missed your period as his worry of failing at being a father, because you did something bad or embarrassing while under his watch.

 

Then he'd turn around and one day would be nice and buy me something (which I later on in life called "guilt gifts").

 

You never mentioned...does he then remind you of these gifts he's bought you? As if you owed him something for giving them to you?

 

The there's my mom. My mom was spineless.

 

Your father married your mother because she's easy to control

Or you can look at this differently...your mother became "spineless" because your father broke her...

Try to empathise with her...and just keep personal things personal rather than sharing with her.

 

As for the car and monetary help...being independent means being independent...completely.

if you do not need his help, or not accepting his help means a slight change to your lifestyle but a significant change to your happiness and mental well-being, then be completely independent.

 

My father manipulated me into resigning from a very good job with good benefits and good pay. I became fully dependent on him when I resigned.

He promised to fully support me if I resigned to complete my degree, but he lied.

I resigned to complete my degree, but the amount he gave me was too little.

For a long time I struggled financially.

He said it was my punishment for being arrogant...but it was just justification for having lied to and manipulate me in order to regain control over me.

 

I spent too long a time being angry and bitter.

Now I am taking back my independence. I have not graduated, but I am looking for a job. I am in the midst of buying a car. Its cheap, but at least it gives me the independence that I want and need to remove my self from his crap.

 

Just this first few steps, is me moving in the right direction. I haven't reached my goal of getting a job, but I am taking action.

You are taking action, you just need to remember not to falter and give up.

Stay strong!

So long as you are even the slightest bit dependent on you, he will have control over you.

 

I can't take the stress anymore, it's affecting every aspect of my life; my relationship, my work, my school, and just my mental health.

 

You need to emotionally divorce yourself from him.

Anytime he says something negative to you or about you...turn it into something positive.

Eg. If he says you are stupid...think of it as you being humble enough to realise you do not know everything and will always have the opportunity to learn. Whereas someone who thinks they know so much, will always remain in ignorance because of their arrogance.

 

My fiance's family wants us to move with them. I'll be in a loving environment, be in a good nursing school, and be away from this family for good (no contact). The thing is, I feel this guilt because I feel like I should have a relationship with this man because I am his daughter, and only because of that fact. I also think it's about the money, but it's not a lot.

 

Move in with them if that is what you need to get away from him.

You do not need to end contact completely. Call in once in a while to say hello. If you're worried he'll mess things up, then keep the information you share with him and your mom impersonal.

But don't expect moving will give you a complete peace of mind and heart that you seek. You will still need therapy to overcome the abuse you've endured these past years.

 

Also...you should not be getting married right now. You need to fix your self first, your broken psyche, before getting into a very committed, long-term relationship.

Once you are married you will have children.

So long as your insecurities and past haunt you, you are in no position to be raising children.

Neither are you in a position to give someone your whole heart.

Heal your self first.

 

I don't know what to do with myself, I'm driving myself mad. He'll work me up and mess with my head and want every detail of my life, even now (he harasses my school, I get emails daily from my admissions director of him calling/emailing nonstop).

 

I do not know if legal action is possible, but you should have a talk with the admissions director to explain the situation, if you haven't already. At least they may understand what is going on and will know what to do on their end.

 

I shouldn't feel guilty! I should feel like I will be liberated, that I will finally be able to live my own life free from the crushing stress and bull, but I don't.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty. But he is still your father, so of course you cannot control your emotions. Deep down inside you still love him...and that is where the guilt comes from. Children are raised to respect and care for their parents..it is also from this that the guilt comes from. To overcome this feeling, you need to go to (individual) therapy.

 

Please help me, please tell me what the hell I'm supposed to feel

 

How is someone telling you how you feel any different to your father telling you what you should do and what your worth is..?

Feel however you feel. And if you think its negative feelings that you do not agree with, address it with your therapist.

 

For now, forget family therapy. Just focus on your self and go to individual therapy instead.

 

For me...I waited too long a time to get some help...sometimes, I feel as if I've regressed emotionally.

I would say he broke me twice...I can describe him in no other ways other than to say he is an ******* and an insecure controlling man.

I have grown to hate him, I no longer respect him and I hold him accountable for the pain I feel.

 

Having said that...I also hold myself accountable..I'm 30 now..It's time for me to fix myself and let go of the anger, or I will never be able to move on..

Maybe you should do the same...

 

take care...

[daughter]

Spryte, I hope you don't take this wrong. Reading your post feels like my future self was talking to me and showing me what will happen to my mental state if I don't do this. It made me cry. I don't want him having control over me for the rest of my life, I want to be my own person with my own life.

 

One thing you assumed wrong was about the pregnancy thing. He was not worried because of him failing at being a father. My mother and father are the only people in my family to have had a daughter. All my cousins on both sides are boys. There is a lot of family pressure from everyone else to make sure I am 'perfect'. If anything goes wrong with me (pregnancy, being stupid, etc) my parents will forever be the gossip of the family, and will be mocked and talked down-to, etc. My whole extended family is like this. They're all out there trying to find gossip on another family member.

 

I know that you are right that moving away will not give me complete peace. I want it to, but I know it won't. I'm just afraid that in keeping contact, he will play on my guilt. I think I will find a way to keep contact, just without him being able to find me.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It has helped me more than you know.

 

Vesna, reading your post made me sad. Thank you for sharing your regret with me, I hope to not make the same mistake.

 

Freestyle, thank you for your post. I feel if I look more into it like you're suggesting, though, that it would just make me feel worse. I don't know if I want to know what's wrong with my dad.

 

Spark 1111, that is my plan . I want to be an amazing nurse and give it my 100% every day. I feel if I become a Nurse I will wake up happy every day because I will enjoy my work. I know I am young to be engaged. I have known my fiance since I was 14 years old. My dad never knew we were friends since I couldn't have guy friends. When I moved out at 18 I felt like maybe he'd see me as more of an adult and would take it okay. He didn't. He gave me 3 reasons why he hates my fiance. 1. He is American (that was a big no-no apparently). 2. He comes from a "broken family" (He has divorced and remarried parents. This may not seem bad to you guys, but in my family divorce is a huge taboo. I have an uncle who divorced, and to this day, no one speaks to him or of him. No one knows if he's even alive still, because the whole family had shunned him for "embarrassing" the family.). 3. He is fat. So there you go, that's how he feels and nothing will change is mind about it. He just didn't want to see it any other way. We are not getting married tomorrow though, we are keeping this engagement long.

Edited January 14, 2011 by daughter