20 year marriage in trouble, help!

[zoey11]

Hi, I just found this site, and it looks like a great place to get outside opinions and help.

I will to reduce this as much as I can.

My husband and I married when I was 20, left college and our son was born 12 months later, a daughter 2 years after that. It was a good marriage, for the most part.

My husband's father and grandfather, have a depressive gene that caused them to be down alot, complain, some verbal abuse, and mainly-to talk about how they were going to die soon all their adult lives.

In my husband's 30"s, he began to exhibit these traits. I put up with the yelling, constant complaining, and the never doing enough to please him. These "episodes" came about every three months. The same complaints-I was not making enough money, not keeping house clean enough ect.

To keep peace, I submitted, trying harder and harder to no avail. But the inbetween times were good.

My husband had a heart attack and stint at age 40. He is now 44. I feel my husband died that day. Since that day, he was never the same.

In October 2002, he began a 9 month period of crying, saying he was unhappy, talked weekly of dying young, not accomplishing financial wealth, blah blah. I listened and told him how I loved him, begged him to get help and medication. He tried meds for one month, the kids and I saw an improvement, but he stopped, saying they didnt' help and stopped him from being able to climax. Our sex life died there. He refuses counseling.

By last spring, he sat down, and after 20 years of marriage, told me he only loved me as the mother of his children, and would always love me that way. He also announced that the first of the year, he would be moving weekdays to his work hometown.(He has traveled extensively the past 7 years with this job while I worked and took care of kids and 100% of housework) My 20 years of working so hard were blown away in one sentence.

We made love only 4 times last year. He has not touched me or shown any love other than a hug and grandma kiss. He comes home on weekends, is calm, treats me like a sister.

It breaks my heart, literally. In my 20"s, I had babies and they nicked my bowel. I also had severe ibd, and was told I had less than a year to live at 24, I was 5"9 and 99 pounds. I continued to work full time, cook dinner, clean it up and he gave kids baths. I spent nights and lunchtime in the bathroom, passed out weekly, but continued to please him.

My thirties I cared for kids and worked, the problem got better and though I am not 41, and will never be normal, I am always weak and tired, I still work and care for kids. Our son is 19 in college, home every break and weekend. Daughter is almost 17 and sophmore.

I left college, everything, to be his wife. I believed it was forever, and I meant my vows.

I have told him 3 times now, that if he does not start to show me affection as a wife, I will have to do what I have to. It has made no difference, I am still treated lovingly as a sister.

I miss my husband desperately. He has totally changed. His life is his work, and friends there, and his overbearing priority of this: He does not want to end up like his dad, in poor health sittting in a chair all the time, verbally abusing his mom. He says he has to go out and "make his mark" on the world, and doesn't want people at his funeral to say he never did very well or provided well and doesn't have much time left to accomplish everythign.

This man was not like that before. Some say mid life, but he denies it totally. I believe his fear of becoming his dad, and thinking he only has so many years to accomplish his goals have become the destroying of us. He actually wants to move to another country to work for awhile.(To heck with his elderly parents, kids, and me)

I feel old, used up, ugly and sad.

Some say, leave. I can't. I am with a debt consolidation for 3 large credit cards, in my name, though both used it. I owe 17,000, and pay what I can. I do not make enough to live on my own by any means.

After 20 years of running on my feet all day, my back has degenerated disks that press on the sciatic nerve, right knee needs surgery too. I continue to work about 30 hours a week, and all housework, care of kids. He pays most of the bills.

I am too old and tired, need two surgeries we can't afford to start working two jobs again, so please don't offer that, it's not an option with my health.

My son in college is 5,000 a semester, both kids car payments and insurance, she will be in college in a few years.

Some tell me you can get 5 years of spouse support, but what after that? I don't know if I will even be able to do what I do now? I don't mean to talk about the money part so much, but right now that is a big issue as I feel I can't leave even if I wanted to.

My wish is that he would love me again. He says he always will, but it's not in a wifely way anymore. He is not having an affair, he actually has little sex drive anymore, I know this for sure.

I sit nights, longing for my love, companion, best friend. He is never here. When he is here, he is my brother.

It breaks my heart every day. It's not enough.

I wonder if there really are any romantics out there like me who believe love is forever. That doing little romantic things is important. That respecting each other is a must. Kissing, holding, just being thrilled to see each other when one has been gone, loving unconditionally.

He is now calm and treats me better than he used to, the 1 1/2 days he is here a week.

But no love, never tells me he loves me unless I confront him as to why I am still here. No romance, just brother like love. But I am heartbroken on a daily basis, and feel stuck.

I do still love him, but I wonder if it is the old him or the new "me" orientated person that has emerged that I am left with.

I told him last weekend that if he doesn't make an effort on the marriage, a real effort, then we will have to discuss divorce. He does not want one he says, but no effort or changes are made. I feel he just has me here to care for kids and keep house. I have little money to do anything ever, little time for anything fun.

I now feel guilty for having thoughts of a man who cares for me, wholeheartedly and lovingly.

To be honest, I feel ugly. My family keeps reminding me that I turned down an acting offer at age 19, to be with him, and how pretty when I was young, but now, I am 20 pounds overweight, body is shot healthwise, have a tummy that bulges out from having babies, sagging all over, hooded eyelids. I feel used up.

But I still feel there could be a man out there that would still love me for me. But how can I leave? It's just tearing me apart.

I hope to make a friend or two who have been through this to email with if possible.

Any advise or help is greatly appreciated.

I feel he is just waiting for our daughter to graduate and then it will be "socially acceptable" for him to leave on his own endevors like an 18 year old setting out to concer the world and leave what is left of me to whatever fate. I feel this strongly.

Thanks sincerely for any advise or help.

[reasontosigh]

I have never been married, nor do I have children, so I cannot advise you. I can say how sorry I feel reading your story - I think I can say this much:

 

I sit nights, longing for my love, companion, best friend. He is never here. When he is here, he is my brother.

 

I wonder if there really are any romantics out there like me who believe love is forever. That doing little romantic things is important...

 

I agree - if that were happening to me I doubt I'd be able to take that well at all.

 

Some tell me you can get 5 years of spouse support, but what after that?

 

There is a 5 year limit on welfare, yes, but spousal support? Usually if you are able to get it, it only ends if you remarry. State laws (in some states it's determined by county) do vary, however, so you may want to double check that with a lawyer.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. There are others here who will have plenty of insight to offer you, I'm sure. In any case, do keep us posted on your situation.

[overseas2004]

I really totally feel for you. And I wish I could say something that could make you feel better. You are in a very precarious situation.

 

So if I were you, I would try to focus on the things that I can change for now at least. And then move on to harder things as you get stronger.

 

What sticks out at me now is that you could change some specific things.

 

YOu have repeated that you are unhappy with your weight and the way you look. I would strongly suggest that you make this one project you will work on. Try to work out if you can. At least a walk at first. You can walk and be miserable at the same time (I just went through a horrendous break up so I know this). I had gained a lot of weight in the relationship and so the only thing I could do except for cry and scream and take sedatives was walk. Low and behold one month later I weigh 14 pounds less. This has improved my mood (very little but yes it has).

 

Then you should try to get yourself fixed up. Get someone to do your hair and your nails, pluck your eyebrows, the whole nine yards. If you can't afford to have it done. Do it yourself. Except your hair... you should do that. You will see an immediate difference and this will help.

 

You mentioned someone may love me for me. While this may be true.... I doubt anyone will love you until you get out of the rut and start feeling better about yourself. This is only because other people can sense pain and suffering and they tend to run away from it.

 

Next thing. you should definately contact a lawyer and get spousal support. I am a lawyer. I worked in Maryland for several years and I used to work on divorces and criminal law. You gave up your career for him and in exchange you took care of him and the kids. Not only does he owe you alimony... you may even be able to get money from him for educating yourself. It depends on the state you live in. But I would contact a lawyer. So that is project 2.

 

As far as your credit cards go I am sure you know that you can declare bankruptcy and get rid of all that debt almost overnight. The downside is that you wont have credit for 7 years after. But the up side is that you will be debt free and will be able to start over.

 

If you work out your financial situation then you may be able to start working on your career. You are not an old woman and you have plenty of time to do something different. You have already accomplished what I dream of accomplishing (successfully raised two children and they are going to college). Just for that you are awesome. And I totally envy you.

 

I would be happy to be your on line friend and keep in touch with you through these hard times. I will PM you with my e-mail.

[zoey11]

Gosh, thank you for the responses! I appreciate your thoughts and kindness.

The one that hit me was that I can do something about my weight. The only thing I do for myself that helps me feel better about me is to get my hair died eery 7-8 weeks at the beauty parlor. (blonde) I next need to start buying some decent clothes and get the money somewhere, that would help my self esteem also.

Having severe ibd, I cannot tolerate greens and anything that make helps you go. So that leaves mosty starches, thus the weight gain. I do love salads, but they hate me, so I can only have small amounts. But you are right still, I could try slimfast shakes and limit sugars. There is something I can do.

On the exercise thing, you are right. With the knee and back, it limits what I can do, and there is little strength left after working and doing all the cleaning. BUT- I could do it. I will start and you know, when I am hurting it might just help. I love music and can get earphoens and a radio, those can't cost much. ON weekends, when he goes to visit his parents, and I do mean EVERY weekend, I will go off and do my thing. It will be tough to find more strenght and time, but I deserve it, you are right.

And you hit me when you said I need to get on my own road or people won't want to be around me to start a new friendship/relationship. You are right. I used to be so outgoing and the joker. Now I am sad and quiet. That is not how I want to stay. People who know me now, would never believe I was class flirt and funniest senior, in commercials and the class clown.

This may sound weird, but I believe he is having an affair with himself. What I mean by that, is the only thing he can think of is HIM. He thinks he is being unselfish by paying most bills and being a part time father and husband. He sees nothing wrong with committing to a marriage and kids, and all of a sudden, deciding he doesn't have much time left and goes off totally on another path that only he wants, not considering at all the effect on us. And he does not think that moving to another country in the near future is wrong, he says he will still come back several times a year to visit us and his parents, and that should be enough to passify us. He also admits he doesn't want to be around to care for his parents.

My opinion? He doesn't want to be here to have to care for his parents, nor to deal with watching what will happen to me. I have centered my life and every ounce of myself to him and the kids. It was always me thinking of romantic things and small gestures to keep things going. He suddenly started going to the tanning bed weekly, got his teeth capped and is paying that off, lost weight, and is always changing clothes and looking in the mirror. He never did that before. Every word out of his mouth this past 18 months concerns him, and he was not like that before as much.

As far as education, I am not sure, I know I do not have the strength left after surgeries and health problems to work full time and go to school. (I am a medical assistant) I have to sit down after mopping floors and rest awhile, the weakness is something I have fought for 20 years. And I am so proud of being able to do all I do, when doctors told me I would not live a year when I was 24, nor could live a normal life.

I wonder if health related issues could make him help support me more for longer? You know, I look back at all the years that he forced me to work full time and do most of the care of the children, while he knew what the doctors said, and all the comments from people telling him that he needed to care for me and they were so worried, how thin and sick I was. It actually made him furious. I would cringe when anyone would say that, as it made him angry. But even so, with passing out at home and at work, he never encouraged me to slow down and take care of myself. He actually, has never, ever thought I made enough money or kept the house clean enough. And when you are that sick, that weak, and push yourself week after week to that extent and still be told it isn't good enough, you fall into that black pit of sadness. I do not do that anymore. I do what I can and then some, and I do not worry anymore if it isn't enough. I am actually now angry, that I have to work and be responsible for all the housework with teens and all their friends coming over. That is wrong! Even when he was here, working out of the home when he wasn't traveling, he would become irrate when I would ask him to help me. He stated that he made XXXXdollars a year and shouldn't have to, even though at that time, I worked more hours than he did and had many more health problems.

So anyway, last spring, the doctor told me surgery on the knee and back will be in the future, and that I could never run on my feet all day or stand for any length of time, or sit for any length of time. The job I have is a nice combination of up and down, so it works. Again, I heard the words, you are going to have to slow down, you cannot do as much anymore. The ibd and years of malnutrition have sapped my bones, at 40, I was diagnosed with osteoporisis, and have not gone to have the heart tests they want me to have to see what that damage is. I don't want to know I guess. I also don't go for what they tell me to because he gets so mad about doctor bills.

While everything I have said is true above, there is still good things about him and I still love him deeply. I tend to focus on the good in people, right or wrong. He is kind to me like a sister, and tells me he loves me, but I know it is not in the way I want it to be.

This weekend, I will have housework done before he gets home tonight, as this week was not as busy as most. That will give me more time to be with him. After my words last weekend of that I better see some effort or I will go on, I will be here beside him, and see if he makes any effort and there will be plenty of time together for him to do so. I am talking about a simple showing of being happy to have time with me, go somewhere, a real kiss, holding and simple things.

I am going out on a limb here with this next part, so I hope it is okay to say this. But I have no one to talk to. I need an outside opinion.

Through our marraige, he was the agressor in love making. I was so sick and tired it wasn't on my mind that much.

This past year, when I would show affection in that way, he would say quietly, "don't." My question is, if he truly did not find me attatractive as a wife, why then, the 4 times we did make love last year, did he respond right away when I initiated it. If a man is repulsed by a woman or does not have any romantic feelings, would he still respond? Guess I am not very schooled in that area.

My honest feelings are that he is so desperate to accomplish everything while he can before he "dies", that I would hold him back financially. He would also not be able to come and go and live in another country if he wanted to. It's like he is 18 again and thinking about the big world and how to concur it. The consideration of his children, wife, and parents who insist he be there every single weekend, are of no consideration in these decisions.

He is so desperate to meet his goals before he dies, that he would throw all that away to meet them. He has also told me that he does not want to be like his parents and is scared of that. His dad is obese, sits in a chair all day and verbally abuses his mom. His mom is obssessed with cosmetic surgeries, parties, social status and spends money like water. She says she puts up with it because she loves him, but it is the money I think, I have never seen real love between them. They have nothing in common and are opposites. Money is the biggest thing in her life, and now my husband is getting that way too.

[FreeMe]

I don't have time to write much, but I read your posts and just want to say I think you've done amazingly well and I think your husband is a selfish, unappreciative, shi*head!! Hang in there!

[zoey11]

I guess I just kept questioning myself as to if my feelings were correct. Thanks for the support, I can't tell you what it means to me.

Last week, I emailed him, telling him that there were several trips being offered from a travel group in may and june, and my son could stay home and care for my dogs while we were gone, and that I needed to go, and actually spend time with him, and did one of the dates look like it might fit his schedule.

I know his work is his life, and he does not want to take ANY time off from it. But I thought he could take 2-3 days for a trip with me since we have not gone on one for two years now alone together. He did not respond by email.

He just called to tell me he just got out of work late and is on his way home and was so tired. I told him I was cleaning the house and would be waiting for him.

He said, "Oh yeah, about the trips, I will do what I can so that you can go, maybe with your sister or Mary(a friend). My heart sank.

I will let you guys know what happens this weekend. I will approach the subject again with him and see if there is any effort or response. If not, I am not going to cry anymore. I am going to tell him that I am taking a drive or whatever I have to do, but I refuse to be the whipping dog again this weekend.

A friend tells me not to pray for God's will to happen in this situation, but to pray for him to come around again and love and treat me like he used to. I have for months. I guess this weekend, maybe it will be an answer. Either way, my heart will go on beating, though broken, I will survive.

[zoey11]

Well, we did discuss a possible trip and he said he would go if it could be worked around his work schedule, but I doubt it will happen.

He also told me that he was just named in charge of a mulitbillion dollar contract with his job, and that he would soon be working more than he does now, which is way more than 40 hours a week. He also said if it pans out, in 2006, he could name his price on salary and possibly start up a whole new division in the states or another country. (which he is always saying he wants to try living in another country)

He said it was the opportunity he has always dreamed of. While I told him I was happy for him, my heart sank. I confided in him that I could never understand his wanting to live away from his kids and me, never consider what our lives are like without him and the sacrifices we make in him never enters his mind.

I also told him that if he continued this way, it was only a matter of time, when I have had enough of a loveless life.

He was nice to me today, took me out, we talked about alot of things and we are best friends. But being best friends, is the hardest friendship I have ever known. I miss my husband every minute of every day.

[FreeMe]

Your situation is heartbreaking. I don't think there's anything more lonely than being in love with someone who's not returning your feelings. I'd rather be be alone - then at least you're not looking for it (i.e., love, affection...) and continually disappointed when you don't get it. I had a boyfriend who withheld love and affection. If I asked if he loved me he would start giving me bull**** like, "i'm not sure I know what love is" and "i'm not sure i know how to love" (incidentally, he was actually right!). It broke my heart anew every time something like that happened.

 

I think you have to start trying to do what you can for YOU. What you can do to make yourself feel good regardless of him. Every day remind yourself of all the things you've accomplished - all the things you wrote above. And try to do something every day that makes you feel good - even if it's just watching a tv show you like.

 

On the exercise thing - can you ask your doctor what kind of exercises would be ok and maybe even beneficial for your back problems? Maybe some kind of really light yoga that involves stretching? Look into it if you can.

[reasontosigh]

Check with the doctor by all means. I do know most of my friends with back problems were told they could do swimming/water exercises.

[zoey11]

Yes, I can do some water exercises, but I would die for anyone to see me in a bathing suit as of yet!

I have started walking everyday and slimfast, anyone who says they are yummy, oh my gosh. I hold my nose and swallow!haha

I know the inevitable is coming, it's just a matter of time and how long I can stand being pushed away. After 20 years though, the love is still there, in different ways between us, and to say goodby to the most part of your life, is very hard to do.

But I think you are right, one day, it will be enough and I will finally say I am done trying, despite my belief that it was a forever commitment.

[reasontosigh]

......and slimfast, anyone who says they are yummy,.....

 

Actually, I do like the French Vanilla one.

[women]

Everything about you sounds like me for the last six months or so. Thankfully I do not have injuries like yours though. I have learned a few things that are helping me cope until the outcome comes clear for me.

 

#1 I have to learn to be my own best friend. Nobody is responsible for my happiness except for me. And I am the only one that is going to be here for ME for the rest of my life.

 

#2 We are all trying to make it through this life the best we can. I am trying not to expect so much from him and accept him the way he is. I may not stay with him but I am not going to fight anymore to try to change him.

 

#3 As we are entering our 40's keep in mind that menepause crap will be starting. Who knows what that will be like? I am sure depression is linked in there. I have got to get my cholesterol down and loss weight after having two children from which I almost died both times with pre-eclampsia.

 

Above all, I am spending every day taking better care of myself. The first thing I changed last fall was to make it a daily goal to DRINK AT LEAST 8 GLASSES OF WATER A DAY. Key words beeing AT LEAST. After 7 months of doing this it is still a daily goal.....you have to work at it. I pack my water every day, I buy the Aquafina bottled water. I dare you to do this for 21 days and see if you notice a difference in your moods. I started walking every day when I started drinking more water. Water will give you more energy and make you want to excercise. I started this because I need to lower my cholesterol, facing another urinary tract infection, and got really tired at work in the afternoons. I read an article by a doctor that said dehydration was probably the cause and asked you to ask yourself how much pure clean water do you drink every day? My anser was NONE!

 

My next goal I added was to eat 3 servings of fruit EVERY DAY. I pack an orange, a banana, an apple every single morning. I am not sick of these yet, but I have been able to keep it up.

 

My current goal I am adding is getting the right servings of vegetables everyday. I am still working on this one since veggies take more time than just grabbing them and going.

 

I joined the YMCA, at first out of anger trying to stay away from the lonely, empty house. Even though my kids are with me it was still lonely without him. Now I love going to the Y and have started weight training. Being surronded by healthy active people keeps me motivated to keep trying and keeps my spirits up. It also made me realize that HE is the one with the problems, most likely depression. When he turned 40 he started the old age crap and it started to drain the life right out of me. He does nothing to improve himself, he is tired all the time, he drinks, smokes, won't excercise with me, won't eat good, is down to 119 pounds. He just goes on and on and on about how tired he is, no wonder, if he took better care of himself...........well, that is not my problem any more. I am looking out for me and taking care of my kids. He is an adult and if that is the crappy life he wants to live, then he can have it. I for one and getting on with mine. And I dam sure do not need another man if this is what men are like. I am not thrilled about going through a divorce and being a single mom with 2 young kids.

 

Anyway, focus on yourself. Start saying no to people and above all, stop waiting for him to make you happy.

 

Take a shower EVERY DAY!

Blow dry your hair EVERY DAY!

Shave your legs EVERY DAY!

Look at yourself in the mirror naked EVERY DAY! (you will see progress)

 

THESE THINGS ARE FOR YOU!!! Not him. For you to feel good about yourself.

 

I have lost 20 pounds now.......without any slimfast or weird diets. I feel strong and healthy like I did in my teen years. I have gone from a size 12 to a 10. All my new 12 outfits are to big now. I am not buying anymore until I am down to an 8. I am 5'7" tall, hovering around 150-155 and I have a 9 year old son and a 2 year old daughter (born 12 weeks early). I was exhausted all the time. As far as housework goes, everyone can KISS MY A**. If it bothers them that much they can do it themselves. It will get done when I feel like doing it and not before. I get the basics done even if it means taking the kids to Golden Corral or Pizza Hutt every single night. I started getting so angry about being a woman and envious about how easy men have it. I just exploded one day and then I realized I had to get myself under control.

 

Remember, you are the only one that will be there for you for the rest of your life.

 

I wish you happiness and remember that small changes make big differences. Also, check into a physical therapist. Your health insurance should cover many many weeks of physical therapy. Mine did when I had shoulder problems. You pay for it, use it! YOU and you alone are responsible for your happiness. Keep working on your weight loss goals. Do it for you, not him. You need to be focusing on the next 10 years of your life. You need to be seriously working on improving your health. You do not want to go into your 50s with extra weight and no lean muscle. Things will only get worse.

 

You must start some sort of weight training. When you are dieting your body will resist all attempts to loss fat. Your body will digest lean muscle tissue first before using your fat stores. This will leave you even weaker and more prone to injury going into your senior years. The more muscle you have the more calories you burn and the LESS BONE LOSS you will experience.

 

Do you see what I see?? We are both wasting our precious life time wanting something from another person. Something that person cannot even give himself, happiness. Set some goals for yourself. I take one college class at a time working on my BS degree. Take a class, go to the movies, go out to dinner, volunteer at the hospital. I am supposed to work on getting a support network, like church, ect.. I always have said NO because I just wanted to be with him. He acts as though I smother him. One article said it is a classic dance of one spouse wanting more closeness and the other running away from it. When you quit wanting that closeness (theory has it) then they come back to you wanting closeness.

 

We have spent SO many years apart due to his work all I could ever do is wish my life time away until the moment of his return. I would sleep and sleep just so the time would go by. I would think any husband would love a wife with that kind of devotion. I guess we get boring and worn out after having kids, working, ect.. It almost seems easier for me to think of him as my room mate instead of my husband. After being together over 20 years what should I expect. The lack of sex/intimacy hurts the most. Only when I want it and go to him for it does it happen. He can't wait for me to leave the house with the kids so he can have his porn. I actually hinted around at him leaving when he strongly stated that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would not let anything mess that up. He would quit his job, move into an apartment, ect...but of course he has not quit smoking, quit drinking, or quit the porn. I have cried many times knowing he is playing with himself yet again and I get nothing. I am just sick of everything. And on the verge of tears again just typing this.

 

Again, I have to focus on me and realize he is the one with the problem. You and I both have sacrificed our bodies and lives to these men. I hope men realize how hard it is to give them a child. And how much it hurts when they get that child and turn to other women. If husbands would compliment and take interest in ther wives we would be more inclined to keep our appearance up. Although you should never look good for someone else, you should do it for yourself. But if a man isn't even touching you or noticing the effort many women stop trying. I think it is a cycle that caused depression and more weight gain. We don't have to get divorced BUT we can enjoy our own lives and become happy people. Then mayby they will want to come around and see who these new people are??? I almost feel like I am addicted to the thought of being with him. Because when I am finally with him it is a big disappointment making me wonder why I wanted it in the first place. Which makes me think that there is some type of huge void in me that has nothing to do with him. I am taking a long hard look at myself these days, a LONG HARD LOOK. I hope you have realized that there are probably many many more women out there just like you. Look around you. You will notice all kinds of women out alone, or just with the kids. I have never enjoyed woman stuff like shopping, I always wanted to be with the guys. But they do not want to be annoyed by some woman hanging around. But I now have my son growing up and he is becoming closer and closer to me, and we are starting to do the things I have always enjoyed like horse back riding. But I am guarded as to not get reliant on him to much for friendship as he will grow up and move away one day. Which would leave me back with...............me, my own best friend.

 

Your friend in the life of women.............

Samantha

[zoey11]

I just read your post to me, and I am doing those things now. I have lost 7 pounds and counting! And I have realized what you said is true, I am doing alot more for myself and learning to love me.

I would love to talk with you more, sometime.

Nothing has changed, he still treats me like a sister. That is the hardest part, he is not mean, just cold. I no longer wait for him or make any move twards romance. I am taking steps so that I have more time for myself. I am also taking a two night trip with a group of people soon, which I have never done before by myself. He can stay home and take care of the house and kids!

Thank you for your response, and I can relate to what you are going through.

[Megs]

My advice is simple - Before doing any divorce whatsoever, if your insurance covers counseling now, GET IT, extensively. The feelings a person goes through after divorce is overwhelming and once single, most cannot afford it.

 

Bear in mind also, if you get alimony, YOU pay the taxes on it. My lawyer had my alimony put under child support with the agreement that should he ever fight the child support, the amount then must become alimony. So either way, he cannot argue it. Or so I am told. I am not sure how it works in all states, but whatever costs you can get around for yourself, do so. I got hit very very hard after my divorce due to not knowing what the future held after the divorce process finished with me.

 

Consider schooling before leaving. Anything with expenses, do BEFORE divorce.

[women]

It is me, Samantha again,

 

I thought of you alot this weekend. I have to keep telling myself many times a day that I am getting healthier for me, not for him, not for my kids, not for anyone. And, I am starting to get compliments from complete strangers at the gym or, just the other day from my dentist! The major thing I have to tell myself is that getting my health and emotional strength back is going to take time and I am going to have to work at it.

 

I think you need to not think about losing weight, you need to think about living healthy. If you live healthy then a pleasant side effect is weight lose. Living healthy is something you can easily keep doing. Drinking a Slimfast with your nose held shut will not be a pleasant thing to do for the rest of your life. I have gotten really motivated by reading things to learn more about my body and what is going to be happening to me as I age.

 

If you live healthier for you then you will not be disappointed when your husband is not around to notice. I have been trying hard for over six months and I feel better every day.

 

The thing I have found to be true is that the weight numbers you see on the scale really do not show an accurate view of your progress. You need to go by how your cloths fit. My example to you........I have been holding around the same scale weight now for over a month but my cloths are getting bigger and bigger.

 

Shot for losing inches, not weight. That way you know you are losing fat not muscle.

 

If you are not weight training you will lose weight and become a smaller fat version of yourself.

 

Drink your water and eat real food! No such thing as getting slim fast!

[zoey11]

I am happy for you Samantha, and that you are becoming yourself and working for you. I am doing the same, I just eat better and I do walk when time allows. I already feel better about myself and bought a pair of pants this past weekend that are a size smaller, they are tight, but I am getting there.

It's only 7 pounds in almost four weeks, so that is slow and I think healthy. I am also going on a group trip for two nights, by myself. I will hang out with other women, I have never done that before. I realize it might be a little scary, but I am looking forward to it. Time actually for just me and he is staying home and caring for kids and dogs. I am sure the house will be a mess, but I dont' care.

I can say that yes, it still hurts, daily. But it is a little easier, I guess time will help. He asked me again this weekend if I was happy. I said hell no I am not happy, but I am taking steps to make things better for myself and I am going on with my life. I will NEVER, initiate any kind of intamacy with you or ask you to go on a romantic getaway with me.

He seemed kind of shocked, but I won't ever let him hurt me anymore and I said that too. Of course he said he didn't want to hurt me, but he continues to treat me like a sister.

Some men have affairs with other women, my husband is having an ongoing love affair with himself and his career. How sad, his priorities are so screwed up. He is even talking about possibly living in another country next year for a few months and asked if that was being selfish. I told him that everything he has done in the past year was selfish and that I could never understand a man who had such a wonderful family could do what he has done. He was silent again.

He is bound and determined to fulfill his "career goals" so that when he is in his grave, people will say he made it and was successful.

That makes me sick. If that is so, then he might end up lying there with no wife and few friends left that he ignored for so long. And heaven forbid he becomes ill and needs someone to help him, there will be no one except our kids, who by then will be busy, involved in their own lives.

It is his choice to do this with his life, but what he can't get through his fog is that his choice, profoundly has affected his wife and children.