Dealing with my husband, his attitude, and own feelings

[LAO]

For a bit of history, my name is "L." When I was a teen, I moved to the US from the UK and dated a few guys before meeting my husband. He joined the army just before I turned 18, and a few weeks after my 18th we got married before he was stationed in Korea. A few months later, I joined him in Korea, and I'm now 19 -- he's 23.

 

I know I married young, but from a young age I "had to grow up fast" so I know what I want from my life. I took a year off after high school to really figure out what I wanted to do, and since then, I've made some great improvements in my life. I'm now a buddhist, I am at peace with people who I've had issues with in my past, and I volunteer everyday at the local animal shelter in Korea. I also maintain the house, I self taught myself cooking, (which turns out I'm GREAT at) and I relatively try to do my part in the home, as I don't have a job. (I'm REALLY trying, but it's SO hard for military wives to get jobs ON base, and since I don't have a BA yet, I can't actually get a job OFF base!)

 

At first, everything was fine, but these past few months I've found myself feeling inadequate and worthless because of my husband. We had a decent relationship before, even if we are relatively different, but now it's just spiraling down. A few days after I had arrived, I had casually (not snooting, he knew I was going through) gone through his texts, looking at the ones I had sent to him just before boarding the plane. (Like: "YAY, SO HAPPY !!) I came across one text from him to a girl "K" saying "yo, i have room on my futon for u". He slept on his futon, so I was quite suspicious. I asked him about it and he said he sent it to this girl because she was really drunk, and he wanted to make she was OK. (They live in barracks though, so I'm confused? It's all in the same place!) Anyway, it caused a few issues, and he SWEARS he didn't cheat on me (though I'm not very convinced, he would party a lot before I got there) After I saw that text, he deleted it for good.

 

After that, things were steady, though I still wasn't 100% on how I felt about that text. A few months a go though, he started becoming extremely rude. He calls me a "bxxch" all the time, is rude to others, and makes sexist jokes CONSTANTLY. I give him 2 chores in the house (garbage and folding laundry, since he didn't want dishes, HE WANTED laundry) and he wont do it for months. (We literally had 7 trash bags outside out apt door.) Though it frustrates me, I try not to nag, because I know if I do, he gets mad and starts throwing things at me (like bottles, dog toys, clothes) or slams stuff (doors, tables, etc)

 

When I try and talk to him, he tells me he works all day while I do nothing, so I should get over it. When I ask him about why he's spending money so freely (we literally have NOTHING saved, and we're already 1000+ in debt because he overdrew an old bank account) he tells me it's HIS money, etc. I like to treat myself when I have money, too, but he's always buying things we cannot afford, and it's frustrating.

 

Just recently, my husband has began to go to beer pong at clubs, etc, with his friends. I don't mind that, except I'm beginning to feel like I'm dating a frat boy. He comes home drunk out of his mind, (which I can't stand, because my mother is an alcoholic, but I suck it up anyway) and he's always making comments like "STFU" or "He's such a fxxgxt" (I absolutely HATE that word). I've tried to talk with him, I've tried to reason with him, but he's unreasonable. I'm in a different country, with NO family and few friends, and I feel so trapped and alone.

 

Furthermore, I found out today that this "guy" he'd been showing around town a few months before I came, was actually "K", the girl he'd been sending texts too. I was shocked he had lied too me, and his friend was the one who let it slip.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Right now he's mad at me because I asked him to fold clothes, politely, like he said he would do today. The he slammed something because I had "too many clothes." I keep spiraling into a huge depression, and I feel alone and belittled constantly. He treats me like crap. He never wants to have sex anymore (I'm extremely sexual, I try every night) and he's always "too tired", yet masturbates every morning.

 

I feel like I have given up a lot for my husband, and I care for him deeply. He keeps saying that I'm lucky to have him / be here, but I feel like I'm not anymore. I cry EVERY day. I feel like I'm so ready for this, that I'm mature, where as maybe he's on a different level... maybe he's cheating. No idea anymore.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should leave him. I mentioned divorce in passing once when I was trying to have a heart to heart, and he laughed and said I'd never get anyone better than him and that he would make the divorce as hard as he could.

 

We have no money in the bank, literally .48c, and nothing else. It's not like I can pack myself and my dog up and leave. I don't know where I should go from here.

 

Sorry this was so long!

[Spark1111]

He is too young and immature to be a true partner, a loving husband. He is also abusive towards you and doesn't seem to care about YOUR feelings at all.

 

Why stay? You are young, no kids, why not chalk it up to impulsivity and go?

 

But first, you need to formulate a plan for leaving. You need a job and a friend and a goal.

 

Is there anyone on base who could help you acheive these goals? A chaplain? Someone?

 

Because not only is he keeping you broke without any control of the money, it allows him even greater control to abuse you. Why? You can't afford to go anywhere, and if you could, you have no where to go.

 

Where is your family? Where is his family? Your friends? You need to confide this to people in a position to help you.

 

You need a plan to get your life back.

[Spark1111]

Telling someone that you are lucky to have them while showing you constant disrespect is a form of abuse.

 

Please get away from this situation immediately. You do not have a marriage. You have a form of enforced slavery.

 

GET OUT NOW. You have already sacrificed way to much to be in this miserable situation.

[LAO]

Getting back will be hard for me for several reasons. I have family in the US and the UK. Most in the UK, and only my mother and step father being in the US. I want to go back to the US, but, my parents have just gone through a bankruptcy. I've been trying to talk him into just letting me leave with our dog, and getting the US Army to send everything back... No talk of a separation or divorce, just that I want to go back to get a job. Then when I get back, finally start proceeding with talk about divorce. I know that sounds sleezy and manipulative, but I don't see another way... :/ I feel like he's too immature to handle anything like a serious relationship atm. We tried, again, talking about it, and he just got angry and told me work was stressful.