Trusting your gut feelings........

[Whatshername]

I am not replying to anyone in particular, but have something to add. In my case, my guy would never concretely talk about our future, never proposed, or made any commitments. He let me say whatever I liked, matter of fact, I do think he liked it that I was "all in. Sure he was saying things, but vague things, dangling that carrot, so to speak. We'd talk about houses, where we wanted to live, you name it.

 

It is hurtful to invest serious amounts of time, where you have no idea if your hopes and dreams are really real. I mean, seriously, you want to be with your sweetheart. If the partner does not, or has no sense of urgency about making the distance go away ( I am not speaking bc of jobs, or something that makes it very apparent one of you cannot move), you need to be very cognizant about recurring feelings/gut feelings you have.

 

Some people LIKE being alone all week........and could go on forever. It is not normal to spend 1 or 2 days with someone, for years. It robs you of all of the normalcy that leads up to getting to know someone well enough to live with/marry them. SO many things are added to the mix, right from the get go, that would not even be there in a normal dating scenario. You have SO many strikes against you, that when it starts to work, and work well, it feels amazing.

 

Truth is, if it were not a LD thing, by that time, you would be planning, or you'd know it was bs. But you don't. One of you wants it more than the other and there are many unanswered questions, no matter how close you seem.

 

It's damned hard, at best. I spent many lonely nights hoping, dreaming of that day........in 2 years........then the 2 years was up and there still were obstacles and gee, I can't quit my job, he can't quit his, he's not telling me he will support me.........but says we can live halfway between us. I agree, reluctantly as I drive for a living..............but funny thing is, why IS he not talking about finding a place now, it seems like instead, he finds reasons to be unhappy with me. Now he may have cheated, breaking my trust, with no remorse, and threw it all away.

 

I think he knew he'd never want more than he did, all along.

 

Just be careful. Each and every person's life and time is precious. For some reason, in a LD, one person's life gets raised above the others' and the other is the one who seems like the needy person, wanting to be together.

 

Don't spend years wishing and wanting something that may never happen.

 

Trust your gut. It rarely lies, though we convince ourselves of many things out of the desire to be with this person.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for this post, I am sorry this is happening to you

I think for me, my partner will move eventually but much later than he originally said, I do worry it won't happen, and I'm in my 40's and don't really want to wait indefinitely. I will be p***** off if it doesn't happen and I could have found someone in my own country

[Whatshername]

I feel for you..........as I said, it always seemed to me that it was ME doing the wishing and wanting. Not that it didn't seem that he didn't want it, but that it really didn't bother him or use up any of his emotional being thinking about it. It's like, hey, if we BOTH want this, there would be equal urgency.

 

When I was left feeling like I was pressuring him, or anything even remotely requiring action on his part........he'd pull away in some fashion, or find a fault of mine that was reason for his hesitancy.

 

It is difficult to truly know someone when you are apart so much. Not saying that everyone has things to hide/disclose, but............. it sure is easy when you have miles/hours between you. Now my mind at times, if I let it(key here, and this is my fault) wanders and wonders........it hurts, and badly so to think there was more to him than I knew.

 

Sucks, because we also had much more than weekends........LD trips spending long vacations at his folks ( I even call his mother mom and have a relationship with her too), holidays (this year) with my grown children, here and out of state. All of those Facebook photos my kid's posted including him in them. I don't get it and I will never know. So,

 

I am off to church this morning, and that is a good thing, for me,

for today! One day at a time, and the healing begins.......... We have done this before, like 3 or 4 times, but never with a real reason, as in the possible cheating. I really don't think it went that far, but to me, with the distance, trust is paramount. I know in my heart that what I want, in a relationship includes complete respect and trust.

[folieadeux]

I'm sorry this happened to you, but everyone's situation is different. Any relationship has strikes against them from the onset just by nature of it bringing two, imperfect people together. While I agree some have more than others, the heart of the issue is both people wanting to make it work equally. You unfortunately did not have this in your relationship, and I hope you find that in the future because you deserve it.

[kittie s.]

I'm sorry this happened to you, but everyone's situation is different. Any relationship has strikes against them from the onset just by nature of it bringing two, imperfect people together. While I agree some have more than others, the heart of the issue is both people wanting to make it work equally. You unfortunately did not have this in your relationship, and I hope you find that in the future because you deserve it.

 

I absolutely agree with this. You do deserve a better relationship than that.

 

But it is not like this in all long distance relationships. Many people in LDRs already have to listen to everyone around them telling them it's hopeless to stick with it and a waste of time and to trust any "gut feelings" that might come along. One might mistake a useless insecurity for a gut feeling, and let go of something that could have been amazing. That is why many of them come here for support and people that understand those rough days to help make sense of these things.

 

As folieadeux stated, everyone's situation is different. They're not all "lopsided" relationships where one person wants it more than the other. That kind of relationship just would've ended the same way long distance or not.

[Romance]

I am a very jealous and insecure person. Soo..if I trusted my stupid gut instincts all the time, I'd be in trouble. I have an incredibly hard time trusting any man and even though my boyfriend has never wronged me, I some times worry about what he's doing just because I can't see him. Again, he's never given me a reason to worry.

 

It does hurt me to seem like I am more the one who wants to move..but..I dont think that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. were just young and hes afraid. He's also afraid that he will severely hurt me and be considered an @sshole if we breakup since I changed my entire life for him at only 20.

 

Just thought I'd put in my 2 cents since even though you said you weren't targeting anyone, I felt included.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree. I found the original post quite depressing as LDR's are hard enough as it is, one person's experience doesn't mean all LDR's end up badly, any r/ship can end badly LDR or not. I also think insecure feelings can be mistaken for gut feelings. I don't have any gut feelings what will happen with my partner, although I tend to feel he will move here in time. None of us really know what the future will bring, LDR or not, it would be silly to throw something good away just because it *might* go wrong.

 

I absolutely agree with this. You do deserve a better relationship than that.

 

But it is not like this in all long distance relationships. Many people in LDRs already have to listen to everyone around them telling them it's hopeless to stick with it and a waste of time and to trust any "gut feelings" that might come along. One might mistake a useless insecurity for a gut feeling, and let go of something that could have been amazing. That is why many of them come here for support and people that understand those rough days to help make sense of these things.

 

As folieadeux stated, everyone's situation is different. They're not all "lopsided" relationships where one person wants it more than the other. That kind of relationship just would've ended the same way long distance or not.

[Whatshername]

I apologize for sounding negative. What I should have said, was over time, if you keep hitting a wall and have gut feelings that lead you to doubt whether their desire to really be together matches your, be alerted to that.

 

I know that I gave my all and looking back, do realize that I failed to do this, because I loved him, believed in him and wanted it to work. There were times when I should have seen the signs and I might have averted a few more years of my time/life, and only ended up against the same obstacles. I am not 25, so 4.5 years is different to me, than a younger person, and yes i know that all relationships and the dynamics are different. I willingly admit that I allowed myself to be strung along without respecting my boundaries.

[folieadeux]

I apologize for sounding negative. What I should have said, was over time, if you keep hitting a wall and have gut feelings that lead you to doubt whether their desire to really be together matches your, be alerted to that.

 

I know that I gave my all and looking back, do realize that I failed to do this, because I loved him, believed in him and wanted it to work. There were times when I should have seen the signs and I might have averted a few more years of my time/life, and only ended up against the same obstacles. I am not 25, so 4.5 years is different to me, than a younger person, and yes i know that all relationships and the dynamics are different. I willingly admit that I allowed myself to be strung along without respecting my boundaries.

 

No need to apologize.

 

You gave your all and you can take comfort in that...knowing that you did everything you could. Alot of people can't say that.

[Ashbash11]

This post really resonated with me.. I'm in a bit of a different situation from the one you are describing, but I can relate.. I always wondered how seriously to take "gut feelings.." I have them a lot, but I always question myself, and ask if maybe I am just being "too negative" or something of that nature.

 

For example, I keep having a feeling that ultimately, things won't work out in my relationship, because my boyfriend is stubborn and passive.. He refuses to take action (I am a go-getter, and he's not..). BUT... his words are always optimistic, and positive and wonderful, "things will work out for us. We are too good together. They have to." "You will find a job in California, I guarantee it.." He makes a lot of empty statements without taking any action. HOW will things work out? What will he do to make it happen? I've already done most of the legwork.... Thank you for your post. It was definitely food for thought.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

this happens in any relationship -- LDR or not. you can be with the same person for 2 years and not know him and still not be ready for commitment. you can spend a few moments with someone else in person yet still feel so connected and everything feel so right.

 

i am saying this because i have been into both situation. omg, probably i am the masochist of all masochists cuz i keep trying and trying. until i got jaded with my situation and realized that partially it was my fault. i chose the wrong guys and was only after the commitment. the moment i knew what i wanted, focus more on myself and stop pushing the commitment -- the man presented himself to me.

 

i learned that most of my frustrations in life come from my expectations and ideals in my head. when in reality, guys are not prince charmings and they are clueless. once i freed my mind from those ideals, i appreciated every little thing i have in my life. most of all i am able to find myself a guy more than i used to expect.

 

#1 key to be happy and i always advocate this to other girls -- start on loving yourself to find your own happiness. after that, reflect on what you want and work towards getting it.

 

if you find yourself being the same situation over and over again, stop. reflect and figure out what you've been doing wrong. what i did wrong before was i keep dating guys who are obviously still wanna play the field. if you know in yourself that you wanna get married in 1-3 years time, it's fine to make your dating rules strict. you'll find a good catch believe me, even if it's hard at first...it's worth the wait. know your deal breakers and discuss it early on. it's not as if you're gonna marry them right away, though you will be able to weed out the bad guys if you present your dating standards...think of it like you are the job and the guys are your applicants. girls, we have the power and control...we just have to know how to use it. nothing more attractive than a woman who knows what she wants, how to get it and seems like she doesn't need it

 

if guys know that you don't tolerate bullsh*t in the upfront, they would either stop pursuing (if he's all for play) or he would keep coming back (he's so used to getting girls but seems like you're a tough one).