Back Burner Gal

[Back Burner Gal]

I work with a guy with whom I have a project that would take about a half hour a month, but he comes over to hang around me on trumped up reasons much more often than that. That's great, I like him a lot. There's that spark, and when you are in your late 30's that hard to come by.

 

I know he's very attracted. You have to take my word for it or this will be very long. But all the signs are there and he's different with me than with the other women at work.

 

He got divorced a year ago this week. 18 months ago his wife just up and left him. No kids, no financial ramifications. He said they did about 2 months of marital therapy, but he didn't realize it was that bad. Since tshe left he's done one and two night stands.

 

I read the other thread here about the guy who asked a woman out six times, but nothing ever came of it. And the last time he asked, she said, "Ok, when" and he side stepped the answer and continued date pursuing activities: collecting her phone number and address, but didn't set up a time.

 

It's what prompted me to write. My guy does this too. But he's a little more generic: "We should go out sometime". I always say "sure", but he never offers a date (who knew so many guys did this--and who knows why?). I never said, "Sure, when". Maybe I ought to. But he suggests going out almost every time he stops by.

 

This is my assessment of the situation:

 

He's interested in me a lot, but not ready for a relationship and I'm not a ONS or a FWB type person--so he's got me on the back burner until such a time he's ready to try again. He comes by because he likes me, it's pleasant, to keep me interested (keep me sweet as a friend says), and to take my pulse on my interest in him.

 

My questions are:

 

1. Do you think my assessment is accurate?

 

2. How long does it take to get tired of the ONS lifestyle and want to move on to a more substantial relationship?

 

I understand some never do, they like some women, stay bitter forever (and do everyone a favor to stay out of the dating pool); but I think this guy isn't that way. He may never marry again (I'm not sure I want to either), but I think he will want a girlfriend again. There have been two comments he made that made me think he sort of wants one and is getting tired of ONS; but I'm not so sure. There have also been a couple comments, made six months ago but not lately that indicate otherwise. So my guess he's ambivalent.

 

3. Is there anything I can do?

 

I'm willing to wait. I sort of date others regularly, but there's just no spark. I think I'd give this guy another six months or so. Heck, I'm not going anywhere anyway.

 

I'd appreciate any comments, advice or suggestions, especially from guys.

 

Even just sharing your experiences of what you went through after a devastating breakup of a long term relationship. Most of us had been there. I know how women react, but men....haven't a clue.

 

Thanks,

Back Burner Gal

Edited January 9, 2011 by Back Burner Gal

[Keridan]

Seems right and there is no reason to doubt his interest in ya. You seem to have a pretty good grasp of what he is going through.

 

If he's in his thirties as well, I would suspect it won't take him too long to get past the ONS stage. If he's the marrying type and he didn't leave her, I'm guessing he will want to settle down after a bit. That life isn't all it's cracked up to be unless you are that type of person.

 

There is no fixed span of time it takes, however. I can't tell you that after 503.4 days of being single, he will be ready to settle back down. You just have to play it as it comes.

 

If you are this interested, have you considered dating non-exclusively? You don't have to have sex or cut out all others because you really like someone. You can test the waters and give it tons of dates in a situation like this. It keeps interest alive and lets you know where you both stand without putting pressure on either party.

 

As you asked specifically for guys' opinions, I will give my profile on it. I'm the relationship kinda guy. I have been known to do very casual dating and sex, but it's not really something I see as a long term role. I usually go through that for a few months post-breakup, but doesn't last. However, that is just me. The opposite is true for a lot of men, so hopefully you will get more input.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

He fishes for interest and admits to multiple ONS with someone he hasn't yet been on a date with and, yet, with clear interest from her, doesn't ask her out on a date. His wife left him.

 

Interesting tactic. Seems he had no problem approaching women to f*ck, but a date is problematical.

 

Likely more to the story.

 

IME, reversing the genders, the ladies have invariably been attention whores or married/LTR or both. Hope you do better. IMO, a healthy person with interest is clear and unambiguous. I'm divorced three months and separated about 18 months and I've 'dated' without any ONS. It's easy to ask women out on dates. Good luck

[DuskCrush]

Say "sure, when" the next time he asks.

Do not give this guy six months.

That is a waste of your time.

[Lovelybird]

next time when he gives out random flirting like that again, try this,

 

"I am busy......" :)

 

I think he is testing his attractiveness after the ego blow due to his divorce.

[Back Burner Gal]

He fishes for interest and admits to multiple ONS with someone he hasn't yet been on a date with and, yet, with clear interest from her, doesn't ask her out on a date. His wife left him.

 

Interesting tactic. Seems he had no problem approaching women to f*ck, but a date is problematical.

 

He didn't admit to the ONS to me. Someone I know who goes out with him told me; they go out to bars together. It came up like this:

 

The guy's bday was 12/23. A couple days earlier he came to visit me and hang around my desk and mentioned his birthday (I know he has no family in the area). I asked him if he was taking the day off. He said no, he had nothing to do and it would just cause him to go out and spend a lot of money he didn't want to spend.

 

I sort of wondered if he wanted me to suggest something, but I had out of town company coming and was doing airport duty. I didn't mention it to him though, since I didn't know for sure if he were hinting that I offer to do something with his birthday or not. He's 46, I figured if he wanted birthday attention from me, he would have asked.

 

But later I asked his friend with whom I know he hangs out in bars with sometimes, "Why aren't you taking him out for his birthday". And the friend said maybe they would but the guy wasn't so keen on it any more; but maybe they would. He was the one who told me he'he did ONSs, and made it sound like that wasn't so much the case now. It's not really appropriate to talk about, so it was a little vague.

 

The guy did end up taking the day off because he had vacation time to lose. I don't know what he did for his bday. I sort of think he spent it alone but didn't want to ask in case he did and felt bad about it.

 

I had asked him what he was doing for Christmas, thinking maybe he had family coming in from out of town too. He said he was thinking of flying to New York for a day to check out something business related. I thought that was very odd, business stuff wouldn't be open on Christmas (although our business, Casinos, are open--the admin offices wouldn't be).

 

My gut instinct is he was alone for both days and maybe a bit embarassed about it and busying himself not to feel so lonely.

 

But...I don't know. For the most part our interactions are light hearted, professional, or getting to know you type of stuff.

 

I'm 50/50 on whether this guy was hoping I'd do something for his birthday.

[Back Burner Gal]

Say "sure, when" the next time he asks.

Do not give this guy six months.

That is a waste of your time.

 

It's not a waste of my time; I'm going to be sitting at my desk whether he visits or not. It's pleasant when he comes visits and does no harm.

 

I do date others, but there's nothing inspiring going on there, so why not continue talking to this guy when he shows up? I like him.

 

Since reading that other thread about the "sure, when" guy who then backed off, I've debated whether doing it myself. I'm reluctant though. I guess I want him to really want to go out enough to plan something, not be pushed into it.

[Back Burner Gal]

next time when he gives out random flirting like that again, try this,

 

"I am busy......" :)

 

I think he is testing his attractiveness after the ego blow due to his divorce.

 

It may be, but him showing up at my desk flirting and showing me he likes me is a nice ego boost for me too.

 

Not so sure I want to brush him off.

 

But I would like to move to the next step.

[Lovelybird]

It may be, but him showing up at my desk flirting and showing me he likes me is a nice ego boost for me too.

 

Not so sure I want to brush him off.

 

But I would like to move to the next step.

It is not "brush him off", it is "fishing"

 

If your old method didn't work, why not try a new angle, it won't hurt

 

maybe he felt that even he didn't move toward you, you already move toward him, so where the space for him to move toward you or work toward you, meaning "ask you out"? because he may feel your energy wanting "next step already". you are far ahead of him emotionally just by his casual flirting

Edited January 9, 2011 by Lovelybird

[Back Burner Gal]

I re-read your post, Carhill:

 

He fishes for interest and admits to multiple ONS with someone he hasn't yet been on a date with and, yet, with clear interest from her, doesn't ask her out on a date. His wife left him.

 

Interesting tactic. Seems he had no problem approaching women to f*ck, but a date is problematical.

 

More accurate:

 

So actually, he fishes for interest from someone he hasn't yet dated, and even with clear interest from her, he doesn't ask her out on a date.

 

I do wonder why he hasn't asked me out. Is he still tender from divorce, uninterested, or passive.

 

I'm not interested in passive men. Which is why I didn't pick up on the bday hint (if it was a hint--he's pretty open and sort of just says what comes to mind). If he's uninterested, it's really no skin off my nose; he's coming to me, not the other way around.

 

I have some sympathy for feeling raw after a divorce.

 

"His wife left him".

 

With the talk of bar hopping and ONSs, I did ask my cop brother to run a background check on this guy (yes, I know he's not supposed to, but grow up; most cops do it). This guy had a DUI misdemeanor in 1988, and nothing, not so much as a rolling traffic stop, since.

 

It doesn't mean he doesn't have a drinking problem though. And I don't know him well enough to judge.

 

I don't know why she left him. She worked here too and people have sort of mentioned in passing that she was pretty strong willed; she did not like living in this state and wanted to move closer to her family and when a job opened up, she took it. Still, people don't leave happy marriages, so who knows.

[carhill]

As an older man, I'm just seeing disconnect between the man who approaches women for pure sex (this takes balls and no fear of rejection, since it's far more likely a man will get rejected for sex than for a 'date') and a man who 'seems' to have interest but doesn't step up with someone he's evidently known awhile. He could have easily asked you out on your first interaction. IME, a man with the mind for ONS can do that in his sleep. It's part of flirting for him. No fear.

 

Anyway, if you like the ego boost and don't mind nothing coming of it, leave things as they are. Otherwise, I agree with the 'try something different' like the 'I'm busy' line. Stimulate things

 

Oh, forgot two things...Is this guy one of those guys who's 'popular' with the ladies, meaning universally attractive? Also, have you made it pretty clear you are single? ONS guys won't care, normally, but on the outside chance that ONS was an anomaly, clear evidence of you being single might provide some clarity for him.

Edited January 9, 2011 by carhill

[theodora]

I just think all human beings deserve better than someone who makes you wonder this much about them before you've even kissed them.

 

He's not that interested, it doesn't matter why does it?

 

The fact that he's not that interested is really the only relevant fact.

 

I say move on, and don't waste energy flirting with him and thinking about him. You deserve better. Start to believe it. Good luck .

[Back Burner Gal]

My thinking was this, tell me if I am wrong:

 

I've gone on some of the dating sites. I meet nice men in whom I have some interest, but I don't want to rush things. I have noticed that sometimes I go too slowly for them and they move on. It's not that I'm not interested; there has sometimes been a spark/chemistry and I've move too slowly, and they moved on. Fair enough. Our time tables didn't mesh.

 

That's what I'm thinking might be happening with this guy. He's interested, he shows me he's interested, but he wants to go slowly. If this is the case, I'm okay with being put on reserve until he's ready.

 

People have things to work out after the divorce. I want someone who has worked them out.

 

He's not a player. He's kind of reserved and watchful. I would know if he were a player because there are so many attractive women here (we work at a major casino in Las Vegas) and he doesn't treat anyone else the way he treats me.

 

The only red flag I have about the ONSs is that I think they are likely to be drunken pick ups in bars. He's drunk, they are drunk. I know a lot of men drink to deal with the divorce and if they don't get a handle on it, well...I'm not interested. But if they aren't something he wants as a lifestyle and is sort of thinking of moving on to something more stable, I'm willing to give it time.

 

But if you guys see other red flags, please speak up.

 

I appreciate your feed back, Carhill. I thought about it this afternoon taking down the Christmas tree. Yeah, he can set up a ONS but can't date? Hmmmm....

 

If I'm shining myself, let me know.

 

I'm also interested in stories of how guys have recovered from their divorces.

[carhill]

I'm also interested in stories of how guys have recovered from their divorces.

 

If you read my posts, the entire process of my divorce is contained within them. The good, bad, and ugly.

 

'Taking it slow' is something one does while *dating*. Correct me but AFAIK there has as of yet been no *dates*.

 

Yes, I 'take it slow' while dating. I always have. That's because I invest emotionally in relationships and treat them with great value. Unfortunately, I've run into some partners with differing psychologies and they taught me great lessons about what to look for during that 'taking it slow' process. IMO, this process only begins once mutual interest is officially declared and a couple begins to get to know each other, and not over impromptu lunches. Everyone's style is different. Compatibility is the key.