Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[Janey376]

I had been involved in a 4 month affair until last week. I knew I couldn't keep living a double life. I have a husband and two young children. It was killing me. I am in love with OM but I realized I love my H more so I had to confess because I didn't think I had to strength to end the affair without confessing. So here I am. The last 24 hours have been a blur of pain and agnony. Maybe more so for my H. My H will not talk to me right now. He asked a few questions yesterday - who, where, how often and he didn't want many details. It hurts to my core to not be to comfort him or for him to comfort me. He was always the one I'd have when things go wrong in my life. Now I've done him wrong. I just want to hear from any BS or fWS how to deal with this best? It is all so raw right now? Is there anything I can do to help him?

[anne1707]

Former WS and successfully reconciled with my H after a 3 year affair

 

At the moment, your H's world has fallen apart - and it will never be the same again whatever happens. He will be going through so much pain and anger for a long time and all you can do is give him the space to do that. If he wants to talk, talk. If he wants to ask questions, answer them. If he wants to be left alone, then give him space. However if you want to save the marriage then let him know that and let him see that is what you want.

 

Go completely NC with the OM. Be completely open and transparent about your actions - where you are, what you are doing etc. Also get yourself into IC and see if he will go to MC with you. Don't plan ahead - it's too soon for that and puts pressure on you both - just getting through one day at a time is enough at the moment.

 

It will be rough, it will probably get worse than it is right now and there are no guarantees. But it is possible to reconcile and to have a marriage that is better and happier than it was before the affair.

[FryFish]

If you want to save your marriage you are no longer entitle to ANY privacy until your H trusts you again... He will NEVER trust you 100 percent again but right now he doesnt trust you at all. You need to give him access to info such as email passwords, phone accounts, let him see it whenever he wants...

 

And one of the MOST important things for you to do is be COMPLETELY HONEST the first time he asks a question or you give him info about your affair. If you choose to minimize it(read as lie about it) there is a good chance you wont be able to keep your stories straight all the time... but he will. If you trickle truth him, as it is known, it is like opening the wound brand new every time he learns a little more truth... This WILL prevent him from healing and will likely make him hate you.

 

You can never communicate with the OM again.

[bentnotbroken]

You do what he needs(no abuse!)at the pace he needs it. You have made a few choices that take away some of the decision making power for you. He needs to figure out what he needs from you and from himself. You need to figure out what allowed you to disrespect your husband and put your family at risk. This should have not been the response to any marital problems or personal hang ups.

[Bittersweetie]

I am a fWS and the suggestions so far are excellent. Be transparent, NC immediately, start counseling for yourself, and please tell the whole complete truth up front. Trickle truthing is a brutal thing. My H and I didn't see or talk to each other for the first ten days or so after D-day...which I think worked for us because we got through the immediate emotional states and were table to talk in a more rational manner about things when we got back together. We are over a year past D-day, and while things are going well for us, it is still a very difficult road. Good luck.

[YellowShark]

I am in love with OM...

 

but I realized I love my H more...

 

So why did you throw your husband under a bus if you love him? I am curious.

 

I just want to hear from any BS or fWS how to deal with this best? It is all so raw right now? Is there anything I can do to help him?

 

I am a BS and there is nothing you can do or say to fix what you did. It is all up to your husband who's world you have totally destroyed. Imagine a gastank, and that gastank was full of trust. By having your affair you've emptied that gastank. It is BONE DRY now. All those years of love and trust you built up are gone in your husband's eyes.

 

Al you can do is be an open book. Your email accounts, your cell phone, your day-to-day whereabouts HAVE TO BE transparent to your husband. that's all you can do.

 

But be warned, it will take YEARS for this to all go away, the gastank is completely empty now, and you and your affair partner are responsible. All I can say is marriage counseling, complete truths, and total transparency.

 

Good luck Janey376.

[Janey376]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I am going NC with OM and it really hasn't even sunk in yet how much I will miss him. I'm hurting too much for my H right now. I didn't realize I loved my H more until I confessed and faced the reality of losing him forever. My focus is on my H. He doesn't want to check my e-mails or phone. I told him to but he just said no. Tonight my husband can't look at me. I have to be in another room. Our children are his only comfort right now and they are my comfort too. I've been hurting for a long time because my H and I became roommates and very distant. We never really spent any time together. I did the wrong thing by thinking another man would make all that better, but I was terribly lonely and I was trying to fill a void. I told my husband before the affair I was lonely and that I felt tempted sometimes to cheat. He kind of blew it off like I would just get better. I'm not excusing what I did, but I did want you to know I tried to get help from him but I should have gone to IC. I've been unhappy a long time. I'm going this week to IC. He refuses right now to go and I understand totally. I do know that my marriage is worth fighting for. I still believe he is the love of my life.

[Distant78]

Nothing you can do right now except to leave him alone and answer all of his questions regarding your affair. The scar never heals fully. If you don't want him to divorce you, which is probably best for him, you better start being 100% remorseful for your significant damage to the marriage because your comment about you loving OM says a lot, and that's not even real love by the way. And remember you pushed yourself to cheat, not him or anyone else. There is no excuse for this.

[YellowShark]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I am going NC with OM and it really hasn't even sunk in yet how much I will miss him.

 

Please don't miss a guy who helped destroy your marriage... if he was a real man™ he would have politely turned you down and talked you out of it. (Is he - OM - married as well?)

 

He doesn't want to check my e-mails or phone. I told him to but he just said no.

 

He will once he regains his bearings. Right now the rug has been pulled from under his feet. He's in shock I am sure.

 

Tonight my husband can't look at me. I have to be in another room.

 

Put yourself in his shoes. Could you look at him tonight if he just admitted he was banging another woman? Give him some space.

 

I've been hurting for a long time because my H and I became roommates and very distant. We never really spent any time together. I did the wrong thing by thinking another man would make all that better, but I was terribly lonely and I was trying to fill a void.

 

A lost sense of fun and excitement in the marriage, an inability to accommodate a partner’s needs, an inability to communicate one’s own interests, needs or desires, and boredom with the marriage are the most common reasons for infidelity. Sadly you've found out that dropping a grenade into the mix has simply not fixed things... only made them worse.

 

I should have gone to IC. I've been unhappy a long time. I'm going this week to IC. He refuses right now to go and I understand totally.

 

Ya. IC would have been far more constructive path than and affair. Your husband MUST also seek counseling.. and with luck you two will make it through this storm. But it's gonna take a long time and hard work. Can't unring the bell now.

 

Good luck.

[FryFish]

Him not wanting to check your emails and such is a sign that he hasnt decided if he wants to remain with you...

[fishlessbicycle]

You betrayed him worse than anyone's ever betrayed him in his entire life (I'm guessing)

 

But you still miss (and are in love with) the other man so you why exactly would your husband want to remain married to you? The marriage and life you had before are both over. The best way to make it up to your husband is to give him custody of the kids, the house, and any other marital assets. Don't put your husband through anymore anguish by taking away his kids, his home, or his retirement funds.

 

You made the mistake; it's time for you to woman up and face the consequences.

[anne1707]

Him not wanting to check your emails and such is a sign that he hasnt decided if he wants to remain with you...

 

Actually my H never did this or even asked to do it and we are still together (and because of his IT skills, he could very easily have done so with or without my passwords). Every case is different - but if he wants access, he should have access.

[Woggle]

It is going to be a long and hard road back but if you truly love him like say you do it will be worth it. His trust is shattered right now. The way to win back is show true remorse and don't in any blame him for it. If there is one thing betrayed men hate with a passion it is being blamed for the affair.

[Janey376]

I do question now that what I had with OM was true love. True love is what I had with my husband. It's not just an emotion. All I care about now is my marriage and husband. I do agree that I will have to suffer consequences. This morning he said he wanted to keep the family together and would work on restoring the marriage but tonight it was a different story. Tonight he said he doesn't know me anymore. He said he misses me - the me he married who was faithful for 10 years. I miss him. I miss what we used to have. I hate what I did and regret it but for the sake of my children, I will endure what I have to. There is no way to undo this, but I do have hope for the future, with or without my H. I have no excuses and the pain is almost unbearable right now. I am disgusted with OM right now. I know he and I are both to blame, but I see him in a new light. I see a man that knew the troubles I was having, knew I was married with children, and didn't care. I'm not sure how I got to the point that I got to but my only relief in all this is I'm not lying anymore. As ugly as the truth is, it's better than lying and deceit. I put my trust in God now. I didn't before. I know that everything happens for a reason and I just have to get through this night and be the best mom I possibly can. One thing I can truely say is the worst pain I have right now is seeing what I did to my husband and how he is hurting. My own loss is nothing compared to seeing what I did to him.

[East7]

I do question now that what I had with OM was true love. True love is what I had with my husband. It's not just an emotion. All I care about now is my marriage and husband. .....I am disgusted with OM right now. I know he and I are both to blame, but I see him in a new light. I see a man that knew the troubles I was having, knew I was married with children, and didn't care. I'm not sure how I got to the point that I got to but my only relief in all this is I'm not lying anymore. As ugly as the truth is, it's better than lying and deceit. I put my trust in God now. I didn't before. I know that everything happens for a reason and I just have to get through this night and be the best mom I possibly can. One thing I can truely say is the worst pain I have right now is seeing what I did to my husband and how he is hurting. My own loss is nothing compared to seeing what I did to him.

 

4 months affair is not a one-night-stand, it is a conscious and free will action. So out of the fog you realized you love your H more?

Like most WS-MW, the guilt is overwhelming you so you confessed, you are scared of changing your life, you freak out of loosing your H, your security, and now you cling to him calling this love. If you truly loved him you would have tried to fix things and address your needs with him, not with with OM.

 

And when you blame OM, you sound just like my xMW..I guess OM didn't do anything out of your will. You said you loved him. He didn't put a gun on your head asking an affair with you son please don't judge him more than yourself (My xMW blamed me the same way for the A while she was the one to start flirting)

[whammy]

theres a scene in the movie The Client List that always resonated with me. When the husband found out the thingw his wife did he recanted the memory of the time she conforted the dog he loved while the dog was being put to sleep because he didnt have the heart to do it and that when times get tough he always "thinks of that day and thinks of that girl" (his wife). and now when he thinks of her...he will think of the terrible thing she did. (not the exact scene put you get my point)

 

do you ladies ever think of that when you cheat?...the fact that your no longer the woman your husband has loved so long? and never will be again

[whammy]

Please don't miss a guy who helped destroy your marriage... if he was a real man™ he would have politely turned you down and talked you out of it. (Is he - OM - married as well?)

 

women dont seem to get that... the OM is a scumbag with no integrity or honor and you actually like him?

[whammy]

You betrayed him worse than anyone's ever betrayed him in his entire life (I'm guessing)

 

But you still miss (and are in love with) the other man so you why exactly would your husband want to remain married to you? The marriage and life you had before are both over. The best way to make it up to your husband is to give him custody of the kids, the house, and any other marital assets. Don't put your husband through anymore anguish by taking away his kids, his home, or his retirement funds.

 

You made the mistake; it's time for you to woman up and face the consequences.

 

I second that statement about still being in love with another man. I am the only man in my whole universe so i DEFINITELY have to the ONLY man in my wife (physically or emotionally) or its not going to work. your husband is probably the same of close to it.

[whammy]

I do question now that what I had with OM was true love. True love is what I had with my husband. It's not just an emotion. All I care about now is my marriage and husband. I do agree that I will have to suffer consequences. This morning he said he wanted to keep the family together and would work on restoring the marriage but tonight it was a different story. Tonight he said he doesn't know me anymore. He said he misses me - the me he married who was faithful for 10 years. I miss him. I miss what we used to have. I hate what I did and regret it but for the sake of my children, I will endure what I have to. There is no way to undo this, but I do have hope for the future, with or without my H. I have no excuses and the pain is almost unbearable right now. I am disgusted with OM right now. I know he and I are both to blame, but I see him in a new light. I see a man that knew the troubles I was having, knew I was married with children, and didn't care. I'm not sure how I got to the point that I got to but my only relief in all this is I'm not lying anymore. As ugly as the truth is, it's better than lying and deceit. I put my trust in God now. I didn't before. I know that everything happens for a reason and I just have to get through this night and be the best mom I possibly can. One thing I can truely say is the worst pain I have right now is seeing what I did to my husband and how he is hurting. My own loss is nothing compared to seeing what I did to him.

 

good for you for waking up to the real OM. A real man stakes his own claim. He starts his own life and family...he doesnt try to weasel his way into somebody elses.

[Janey376]

women dont seem to get that... the OM is a scumbag with no integrity or honor and you actually like him?

 

 

I think the reason I liked a scumbag is because I hated myself. He was more on my level while I lived a lie. I know that I am better than who I was. I know I have a lot of work to do but I could have kept going and lying and deceiving and having my cake and eating it too, but my heart wouldn't let me do it anymore. I missed my husband and knew I'd never have a chance to rebuild what I had with him at one time if I didn't end the affair and confess it. I could never end it and not tell him because it would eat me away with guilt and I'd be no good to anyone. I was no good to anyone the last 4 months. My relationship with OM sucked the life out of my relationships with everyone else in my life. I wasn't sure how my H would react and I was not prepared for what has happened. At this point all I can do is be here and do what he wants me to do. I do have a question. If he says that he doesn't think he can work this out and that he's no good to me now, is it ok for me to say we can work it out and I willinging to do whatever it takes? When I told him he just gets upset again. He literally thinks I'm a different person, that the woman he married is dead. I don't know how to react to that or what to do. He can't stand to look at me and I wonder if I should ask him if I should stay with my parents for a while? I feel so lost and helpless right now. I can't sleep at all. I've been awake probably 43 hours of the last 48. My stomach is burning. My whole body aches with pain. He's going through the same and worse. He can't sleep and he hurts. It's the worst burden in the world to carry to know that I turned our world upside down. My husband's pain and my pain are the consequences of my betrayal. I'm not going to condemn myself anymore. I am going to do my best to make this marriage work and if it doesn't, I will do my best to live with integrity and hope.

[woinlove]

I think the reason I liked a scumbag is because I hated myself. He was more on my level while I lived a lie. I know that I am better than who I was. I know I have a lot of work to do but I could have kept going and lying and deceiving and having my cake and eating it too, but my heart wouldn't let me do it anymore. I missed my husband and knew I'd never have a chance to rebuild what I had with him at one time if I didn't end the affair and confess it. I could never end it and not tell him because it would eat me away with guilt and I'd be no good to anyone. I was no good to anyone the last 4 months. My relationship with OM sucked the life out of my relationships with everyone else in my life. I wasn't sure how my H would react and I was not prepared for what has happened. At this point all I can do is be here and do what he wants me to do. I do have a question. If he says that he doesn't think he can work this out and that he's no good to me now, is it ok for me to say we can work it out and I willinging to do whatever it takes? When I told him he just gets upset again. He literally thinks I'm a different person, that the woman he married is dead. I don't know how to react to that or what to do. He can't stand to look at me and I wonder if I should ask him if I should stay with my parents for a while? I feel so lost and helpless right now. I can't sleep at all. I've been awake probably 43 hours of the last 48. My stomach is burning. My whole body aches with pain. He's going through the same and worse. He can't sleep and he hurts. It's the worst burden in the world to carry to know that I turned our world upside down. My husband's pain and my pain are the consequences of my betrayal. I'm not going to condemn myself anymore. I am going to do my best to make this marriage work and if it doesn't, I will do my best to live with integrity and hope.

 

I would think it is essential to let him know that you want to do everything you can to make your M work. He likely gets upset because he feels nothing will ever make it right again. That doesn't mean that is the case, just that he likely feels that way. Maybe you two will build a new marriage, maybe you won't. But you definitely won't unless you are 100% committed and do whatever you can to show your H that commitment.

 

Maybe he thinks you saying you want to make it right somehow reduces the enormity of the betrayal, by assuming it is fixable. That still doesn't mean you shouldn't say it, but maybe he needs to hear even more of you acknowledging how enormous your betrayal is.

 

As to being a different person, he thought you were a loyal wife, and he has only recently learned differently, while you have known for months. Obviously you do need to change because if you two stay married, you will need to learn how to be loyal and trustworthy.

 

I don't know whether you should move out, perhaps not unless your H asks you to. He is going to feel the pain with or without you. But I wonder if you and your H shouldn't get some medication to help you relax and sleep right now.

[redcurls]

4 months affair is not a one-night-stand, it is a conscious and free will action. So out of the fog you realized you love your H more?

Like most WS-MW, the guilt is overwhelming you so you confessed, you are scared of changing your life, you freak out of loosing your H, your security, and now you cling to him calling this love. If you truly loved him you would have tried to fix things and address your needs with him, not with with OM.

 

And when you blame OM, you sound just like my xMW..I guess OM didn't do anything out of your will. You said you loved him. He didn't put a gun on your head asking an affair with you son please don't judge him more than yourself (My xMW blamed me the same way for the A while she was the one to start flirting)

 

So true. NOW you realize you "love" your husband? The one you cheated on for 4 months? With a man that was so unworthy? You want your security and status. I will also venture a guess that OM isn't the marrying type? Maybe OM isn't keen on raising someone elses kids? Maybe you realized there will be no happily-ever-after with him? So NOW your husband is your perfect man...

 

I'm sorry for your pain and anguish but I don't buy any of this. No wonder your husband isn't either. Why don't you start by being honest with yourself and your husband.

[Janey376]

So true. NOW you realize you "love" your husband? The one you cheated on for 4 months? With a man that was so unworthy? You want your security and status. I will also venture a guess that OM isn't the marrying type? Maybe OM isn't keen on raising someone elses kids? Maybe you realized there will be no happily-ever-after with him? So NOW your husband is your perfect man...

 

I'm sorry for your pain and anguish but I don't buy any of this. No wonder your husband isn't either. Why don't you start by being honest with yourself and your husband.

 

 

I don't really care if you buy it or not. It's my life and I too tired to try to prove anything to someone that doesn't know me at all.

[redcurls]

I don't really care if you buy it or not. It's my life and I too tired to try to prove anything to someone that doesn't know me at all.

 

Wow. Defensive much? I guess its a lot easier to attack ME than focus on the CONTENT of my post. Good luck!

[Janey376]

Wow. Defensive much? I guess its a lot easier to attack ME than focus on the CONTENT of my post. Good luck!

 

Actually the content of your post was wrong so I didn't care to address it. I'm not concerned about status or security. My parents are wealthy and I could move out now and be fine. But I want my husband. That's all I can think about. I'd live in a mobile home with him. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until you lose it. That's how I feel now. I'm sorry if you thought I was being defensive. I'm just trying to through each minute of the day.