Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[BB07]

Better prepare yourself for the anger stage Janey. When he gets there........he will either explode on you or get very quite and treat you like a leper.

[JaneyAmazed]

Better prepare yourself for the anger stage Janey. When he gets there........he will either explode on you or get very quite and treat you like a leper.

 

I don't even know how to prepare for it, but if it happens, it happens. Like I said, I want him to be angry. It just feels like he should be now. He told me that he forgives me. I never expected that this soon either. I honestly have a hard time believing he really forgives me but out of respect, I choose to believe him. He can even joke about it sometimes which bothers me, but I have to remember I have to go with the flow. If he wants to joke about it, maybe that helps him cope. He thinks I'm putting too many restrictions on myself like avoiding places where I might see OM or throwing away clothes that remind me of OM. I told him I HAVE to do that. The less I have to remind me of OM, the better. I am much stronger than I thought. At one time, I thought I would be so distraught over losing OM but I have been giving my time and energy to my husband. I shed zero tears for OM today. I shed a few for my husband. The guilt still stings and sometimes I have to cry. My husband deserves all my tears now. He just keeps asking if I'm going to be ok. I keep looking at him like he's crazy. I just want HIM to be ok. One things for sure, we have talked more in the last week than we have in the last year. I missed being able to talk to him and be completely honest. I feel like I've got my best friend back... but I know, I have to prepare for some changes too. I heard someone say that men like him are doormats. I say he's the opposite. I say he is the strongest most unselfish man I know. I say he wants his family to stay together so bad he's willing to give me another chance. I say he knows our marriage was broken before the affair and he has hope that we can use this a major wake up call. I say the best is yet to come...maybe after more bad times... but he isn't a doormat. I'm going to prove to him that I can be a good wife to him again and he won't regret his decision to stay. I want this marriage to work so bad, you don't even know. If it fails, it will be his decision. I am going to fight for him no matter what. I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. I don't want anyone else. I know what I've I got is gold.

[BB07]

I wish you all the best Janey and I hope that you and your husband fix what was broken and that it's everything you both have dreamed of.

[East7]

For all I know, he'll call OM to see if our stories match. If I am honest, and he still decides to leave me, I'll know at least I didn't lie anymore. I have to live with myself now. Part of that is no more lying. I said this before but I am so so so glad I confessed. I couldn't live with rotten disgusting myself anymore. If I had gotten caught, I honestly don't believe he'd be with me now. He keeps emphasizing how thankful he is I confessed. I do wish he would get angry at me. I don't want him to bottle up inside if that's what he's doing. He keeps insisting he's not angry. All he does is hug me and tell me how much he loves me. I don't think I'd be that understanding at all. I know I wouldn't. I would love him, but damn if I'd be hugging all over him a week after he was screwing someone else. He is amazing, and you better believe I'm going to treat him like a king. Picture me bowing down chanting "I am not worthy, I am not worthy..."

 

Well you are both in the "hysterical rebound" stage, you are traumatized by the A. It is the urge to bring quickly everything where it was before, it is a kind of mental resistance to the change and trauma. Your H was so scared to be dumped that he is giving you all the affection that he didn't used to give you before the A. And you are part of that hysterical rebound because of the profound guilt. Once he will be comforted with the fact that you are not going anywhere he will gain his pride back and will change his attitude.

 

IMO let him call xOM if he wants to. I have always thought that it is positive that xAP and BS can talk at some point.

 

Also I wonder what triggered you to dump OM and confess to your H out of the blue ? Did you fight with OM ? The married AP never end the A overnight unless they get caught.

[Distant78]

I'm sorry but I don't see in your posts how you are remorseful, nor can you be after just a few days after discovery.

[BB07]

I'm sorry but I don't see in your posts how you are remorseful, nor can you be after just a few days after discovery.

 

This woman is posting all the right things, seems sincere and is taking what ever is thrown at her quite gracefully.

 

What makes you qualified to make the assumption that she is not remorseful?

 

What do you want........her head on a platter delivered to your door??? Your anger toward all women colors almost every response you make. Does it make you feel better to bully and berate? Do you feel better after you've vented on someone? Is your whole purpose here only meant to work out your own anger at others expense?

[What_Next]

BB07, I don't necessarily 100% agree with you, but I definitely don't agree with Distant78 either. She is showing remorse for her actions. However, distant78 is a skeptic (putting it mildly ).

 

Her words mean little, her actions mean everything.

 

Keep it up, but be ready for what comes next in this roller coaster.

 

I have my suspicions your husband is bottling all this up and squeezing it tight. Well sooner or later that lid is going to come flying off. Right now he is likely feeling a HUGE amount of guilt. That will pass.

[JaneyAmazed]

Well you are both in the "hysterical rebound" stage, you are traumatized by the A. It is the urge to bring quickly everything where it was before, it is a kind of mental resistance to the change and trauma. Your H was so scared to be dumped that he is giving you all the affection that he didn't used to give you before the A. And you are part of that hysterical rebound because of the profound guilt. Once he will be comforted with the fact that you are not going anywhere he will gain his pride back and will change his attitude.

 

IMO let him call xOM if he wants to. I have always thought that it is positive that xAP and BS can talk at some point.

 

Also I wonder what triggered you to dump OM and confess to your H out of the blue ? Did you fight with OM ? The married AP never end the A overnight unless they get caught.

 

 

I had been fighting a lot with my husband and was starting to see how I would lose him and my marriage if I continued in the affair. I had been crying a lot and irritable and he knew something was wrong with me. I decided my marriage was more important and he was more important than OM. In a nut shell, I couldn't live with myself anymore. It was killing me. I just spilled my guts. I am remorseful. I don't know how anyone could read my posts and not see that. That's why I said I wish he'd get mad at me or I could be punished more NOW. I'm just at a weird place right now trying to do what he wants me to do but he doesn't ask me to anything different. He just acts like it's something he can put behind him and move on. It's not that easy for me. I still hurt for him. I still don't understand how he can be this way but my only choice is to be a good wife and do what I can to help him.

[BB07]

Janey, it might help you to read about the stages of grief. Your husband is dealing with grief at the death of the marriage he knew. One of the stages is anger and you will see it at some point in time.

[JaneyAmazed]

BB07, I don't necessarily 100% agree with you, but I definitely don't agree with Distant78 either. She is showing remorse for her actions. However, distant78 is a skeptic (putting it mildly ).

 

 

Her words mean little, her actions mean everything.

 

Exactly, and that takes time I know.

 

Keep it up, but be ready for what comes next in this roller coaster.

 

I know it's a roller coaster. That's why I'm not jumping for joy now, but I guess anything compared to him just leaving me and not giving our marriage a chance is a reason to be optimistic. It may be a long, hard road to recovery but I am optimistic.

 

I have my suspicions your husband is bottling all this up and squeezing it tight. Well sooner or later that lid is going to come flying off. Right now he is likely feeling a HUGE amount of guilt. That will pass.

 

These are my suspicions as well because I've known him for 12 years, and it's very characteristic of him to bottle things up. He's always done that. Every morning when I wake up I wonder if the bottle is going to explode today. So please don't think I assume everything is peachy now. My mom once told me that "The only thing I'm sure of is I'm not sure of anything." That's the way I feel now.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, it might help you to read about the stages of grief. Your husband is dealing with grief at the death of the marriage he knew. One of the stages is anger and you will see it at some point in time.

 

Thank you BB07, I will. I am scared of that, but I know it's something we will have to get through. If he decides he can't live with me, it's still a consequence of what I did and he has every right. There is no excuse for what I did. I hate what I did. I hate what it has done to him. I want him to be happy. If he leaves me, I will have to suffer the consequences of a stupid choice I made. Thank you for your encouraging words too. It helps to get honest advice. I am not going to set myself up for something that could turn upside down again. I want to be as prepared as possible. Thank you again.

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm sorry but I don't see in your posts how you are remorseful, nor can you be after just a few days after discovery.

 

 

I forgot to address this. I've been taking a lot of well deserved blows here, but this statement is just ignorant. I was remorseful before I ever confessed, and but it didn't compare to the remorse I felt when I saw my husband cry the night I confessed. When I saw him broken. When I couldn't comfort him no matter what I said or did. When I stopped revolving my life around another man, and saw the damage and destruction I created, that I broke my husband's heart, I was ( and am) extemely remorseful.

[dont-be-naive]

Better prepare yourself for the anger stage Janey. When he gets there........he will either explode on you or get very quite and treat you like a leper.

 

and what is your advice for her when/if this happens?

[BB07]

and what is your advice for her when/if this happens?

And you asked me this question......why?

 

And my answer would be.....she will need to be patient and kind if she wants her marriage.

[dont-be-naive]

And you asked me this question......why?

 

And my answer would be.....she will need to be patient and kind if she wants her marriage.

 

I asked because I want to know if an adulteress, x-adulteress, whatever, would say to be patient because she brought that behavior on, of if she would tell her that she doesn't need to take any of his crap.

[BB07]

I asked because I want to know if an adulteress, x-adulteress, whatever, would say to be patient because she brought that behavior on, of if she would tell her that she doesn't need to take any of his crap.

 

Ahhhh just what I thought, you wanted to take a pot shot at me. Are you and distant one and the same? Both of you or is it the one of you seem to enjoy a little much being brutal. Maybe it's your way of working out your pain and anger, but ask yourself it's about you or the OP.

 

You can call me whatever trips your trigger...and think whatever you like about my former status, but don't forget that it's FORMER, not the present. One more thing, Janey can think for herself and if she wants to discount what I say, then it's her choice. Just like she can discount what some of the men say here because they are venting their own anger at her, because she is a woman who cheated. No one......is nonredeemable!

 

Now enough of the T/J......sorry about that Janey.

[Sirvivor]

Janey - just a word of caution coming from a BS. My reaction to discovery of my wife's affair was very similar to what your husband is demonstrating now. I was extremely upset at first, but never really got angry. I tried my best to understand, I even saw my role in contributing to her readiness to have the affair. I quickly knew I wanted to try to save our marriage so I was very supportive and nurturing. My discovery was about 1 and a half years ago... our marriage has been blissful, peaceful, loving, romantic, affectionate, tender, passionate, in many ways better than ever since the affair came to light and ended. We communicate better than ever and she has been true to me and transparent ever since.

 

 

But... the affair still eats at me. It is still an emotional cancer. It is a daily battle for me to keep my feelings about it in check. There are days our progress is evident, then there are days when the thought of it is so fresh it frightens me. We are still in counseling despite our recovery.

 

 

My words of caution to you... despite your accelerated "recovery" this is far from over. It will not continue to just be an evolving snowball of happiness. Your husband will be haunted by this for some time to come. There will be things that will creep into his head neither of you can even imagine yet. Be prepared and be patient. Your affair didn't happen over night, your healing won't either.

 

 

 

That said, my wife and I are strong, we have never been closer in all our years together (20+ years). We are doing well. But I still struggle with this, that's why we still see a MC. Despite all of my support, all of my effort to heal our marriage, all the times I have told her I loved her since, all I have reinvested and all I have moved past... I have yet to utter the words... "I forgive you"

 

 

Perhaps that is because I truly haven't yet, despite all of my actions suggesting otherwise. I still need time. But we are definitely heading in the right direction.

 

 

P.S. - Bringing God back into your marriage was wise.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey - just a word of caution coming from a BS. My reaction to discovery of my wife's affair was very similar to what your husband is demonstrating now. I was extremely upset at first, but never really got angry. I tried my best to understand, I even saw my role in contributing to her readiness to have the affair. I quickly knew I wanted to try to save our marriage so I was very supportive and nurturing. My discovery was about 1 and a half years ago... our marriage has been blissful, peaceful, loving, romantic, affectionate, tender, passionate, in many ways better than ever since the affair came to light and ended. We communicate better than ever and she has been true to me and transparent ever since.

 

 

But... the affair still eats at me. It is still an emotional cancer. It is a daily battle for me to keep my feelings about it in check. There are days our progress is evident, then there are days when the thought of it is so fresh it frightens me. We are still in counseling despite our recovery.

 

 

My words of caution to you... despite your accelerated "recovery" this is far from over. It will not continue to just be an evolving snowball of happiness. Your husband will be haunted by this for some time to come. There will be things that will creep into his head neither of you can even imagine yet. Be prepared and be patient. Your affair didn't happen over night, your healing won't either.

 

 

 

That said, my wife and I are strong, we have never been closer in all our years together (20+ years). We are doing well. But I still struggle with this, that's why we still see a MC. Despite all of my support, all of my effort to heal our marriage, all the times I have told her I loved her since, all I have reinvested and all I have moved past... I have yet to utter the words... "I forgive you"

 

 

Perhaps that is because I truly haven't yet, despite all of my actions suggesting otherwise. I still need time. But we are definitely heading in the right direction.

 

 

P.S. - Bringing God back into your marriage was wise.

 

 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are a God send. I was getting ready to post to ask a "childish" question here. I say that because this is all new to me. Grief is new to me, except the experience I had with my parents' divorce. I wanted to find out if it's possible my husband will never go through the angry stage. Your post rings true. It makes me so so sad that this will probably eat at my husband (and me too) for a long, long time. The one thing that really does bother me is has already said he forgives me. Could he really? Would he lie? Is he in denial? I always tell him not to say that but he says he really does forgive me. Also, is it normal that he would joke about it? Not to be tasteless, but here is an example. This morning, my daugther noticed some lotion on the mirror in my bathroom. When I had hit the pump earlier, it squirt on the mirror and I forgot to clean it. Well, it kind of looked like you know what - semen. So anyway, she asked what it was and I told her. My H said, are you sure? Do I need to check it for DNA? Then he laughed and hugged me because I didn't laugh. His jokes about the affair just aren't funny to me. If I laugh, I feel like I'd be taking it lightly and it be a fake laugh anyway. I don't know if thinks I'm being too serious by not laughing. It's very hard to be myself and also be someone who has to say and do whatever I think he wants me to say and do. Does that make any sense? I'm sorry. I'm kind of mess right now.

[Distant78]

This woman is posting all the right things, seems sincere and is taking what ever is thrown at her quite gracefully.

 

What right things is she posting? You mean to tell me that after a few days everything is right as rain?

 

What makes you qualified to make the assumption that she is not remorseful?

 

What makes you qualified to make the assumption that she is remorseful? No one cheats then becomes a changed person in just a few days.

 

What do you want........her head on a platter delivered to your door???

 

No one's suggesting that.

 

Your anger toward all women colors almost every response you make.

 

And your perspective toward all cheaters/OM/OW colors every response you make. And how the hell can you know I'm angry? Seriously where do you get that from?

 

Does it make you feel better to bully and berate?

 

How am I berating? I didn't post anything saying how I hate her and how she's a c*nt. I'm just simply stating that there's no way things are okay in such a short amount of time and that she can pick up most of the slack.

 

Do you feel better after you've vented on someone?

 

Do you feel better after you've validated a cheater?

 

Is your whole purpose here only meant to work out your own anger at others expense?

 

What is your purpose here? And I'm sure it's not to send private messages to me venting because my opinions on topics offend you so much.

[dont-be-naive]

Ahhhh just what I thought, you wanted to take a pot shot at me.

 

well if you thought that then obviously you think your behavior was such that you need a pot shot.

 

but no, if I wanted to take a shot at you, I would have been specific about it before hand.

 

if you would have just answered the question, it would have satisfied me, unless you tried to tell her something along the lines of he isn't entitled to be angry and she doesn't have to put up with it.

 

You wanted to know why, so I told you

 

but you didn't support the usual cheaters entitlement line. so kudos.

 

 

Are you and distant one and the same?

 

nope

 

 

You can call me whatever trips your trigger

 

no names, just the proper adjectives. you were and adulteress, no? and it is your former status, so again, kudos.

 

 

...and think whatever you like about my former status, but don't forget that it's FORMER, not the present.

 

again, kudos on that. but too many here, even with the claimed former status will tell another bird of a feather that the pain they caused their BS doesn't afford the BS a right to be angry. you didn't support that party line. so thats good.

 

 

One more thing, Janey can think for herself and if she wants to discount what I say, then it's her choice. Just like she can discount what some of the men say here because they are venting their own anger at her, because she is a woman who cheated.

 

hope you aren't talking about me, because if you are, you haven't read all of my resopnses to her. she is certainly doing what a cheater must in the aftermath with a BS that has given them a 2nd chance.

 

 

No one......is nonredeemable!

 

wrong, many are nonredeemable. But Janey certainly is. If I were to stay with a cheater, which I wouldn't, I would want her to have Janey's mindset. I've read from many on here that would think that a cheater need not bend over backwards, and think that what Janey is doing is becoming her husband's slave to whatever. But Janey sees this as all worth it to a good man who has forgiven her and given her a 2nd chance.

Edited January 18, 2011 by dont-be-naive

[Distant78]

I forgot to address this. I've been taking a lot of well deserved blows here, but this statement is just ignorant.

 

My statement isn't in anyway ignorant nor was it meant to degrade you. I'm known to just have a more blunt approach in my posts.

 

I was remorseful before I ever confessed,

 

Now this has caught my attention. There's no way you could've been remorseful before you confessed, because you were still cheating.

 

and but it didn't compare to the remorse I felt when I saw my husband cry the night I confessed.

 

I'll give you props for confession but that doesn't minimize what you've done. It shouldn't take you to realize that you were wrong to see your husband hurt. How would you feel if your husband cheated, then rubbed it in your face about how he "loved" his OW? You would be ready to kick him out.

[dont-be-naive]

I wanted to find out if it's possible my husband will never go through the angry stage.

 

I highly doubt he will not go through an angry stage, but that depends on your husband.

 

even if he goes through one, he may bottle it up.

 

 

Your post rings true. It makes me so so sad that this will probably eat at my husband (and me too) for a long, long time.

 

as a man who was betrayed, yes, it will eat at him for a long time. It did me, but I never hung around long enough to find out just how long. I divorced her and after that it didn't eat at me any longer.

So how long it will eat at your husband I couldn't say, just a guess it may be more than a year or 2. And even that my guess would be he will have flashbacks and triggers once in a blue moon.

[JaneyAmazed]

My statement isn't in anyway ignorant nor was it meant to degrade you. I'm known to just have a more blunt approach in my posts.

 

It is ignorant because you said you CAN'T be remorseful the first few days after a confession. That's just false.

 

Now this has caught my attention. There's no way you could've been remorseful before you confessed, because you were still cheating.

 

Maybe remorseful's not the word for before the confession, but I felt horrible, horrible enough to stop what I was doing.

 

I'll give you props for confession but that doesn't minimize what you've done. It shouldn't take you to realize that you were wrong to see your husband hurt. How would you feel if your husband cheated, then rubbed it in your face about how he "loved" his OW? You would be ready to kick him out.

 

I didn't say it minimized what I did! Where did I say that? Maybe I'm not making myself too clear on here. It's hard to express everything. I realized I was wrong from minute I started something with another man. My husband didn't actually hurt or feel pain, however, until he heard what I had done through the confession. That's why so many people never confess. They don't want to see what I saw. I knew what I did was wrong, but seeing what it did to my husband made me forget all the excuses I gave myself during the affair - like "it's love, how could it be wrong." "my husband is never home anyway." I knew how I'd been trying to justify the affair while I was in it so I could look at myself in the mirror and continue to jump into another man's bed. Once it was confessed and I broke his heart, I saw all the "justifications" were bull****. My eyes were opened. I was a dang fool. I don't know how to express in writing on this board but I hurt so bad for my husband. I can't believe I betrayed him like I did. It hurts so bad to know what I did. I can't believe I wasted the last 4 months of my life with someone who doesn't hold a candle to my man. Another reason to feel like ****, when my husband called OM, he was too nice and calm to him. He didn't ask him any questions. He just asked him to never contact me again. OM never apologized. What an ass.

[Distant78]

Ahhhh just what I thought, you wanted to take a pot shot at me. Are you and distant one and the same? Both of you or is it the one of you seem to enjoy a little much being brutal.

 

Brutal? How are we being brutal? He's not taking a "pot shot" at you, he just asked you a simple question. It seems some folks get a little kick out of seeing a woman tell her story about getting some sausage on the side.

 

You can call me whatever trips your trigger...and think whatever you like about my former status, but don't forget that it's FORMER, not the present.

 

Being "former" doesn't excuse what happened.

 

One more thing, Janey can think for herself and if she wants to discount what I say, then it's her choice.

 

Sure she can, but if she wants her marriage, then she better shape up because no matter where she goes, the advice will be the same.

 

Just like she can discount what some of the men say here because they are venting their own anger at her, because she is a woman who cheated. No one......is nonredeemable!

 

And the same goes for people who are "former" assassins to someone's marriage.

[JaneyAmazed]

I forgot to add to my last post, I did not "rub" it in my husband's face that I loved OM. He asked if I did, and I told him I thought I did but wasn't sure if it was even love. Now I know it wasn't love.