Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[rowell2024]

Hey all - I said I wouldn't come back unless something changed drastically. Well, it hasn't yet. My H is back to the H I've always known but better. He knows how much I love him. He has been able to forgive me and allow me to be his wife again. Do I deserve it? No. Am I still disgusted with myself sometimes? yes. I know our situation isn't typical at all. I just think that my H realized that he played a part in what lead up to the affair and he owns that. I'm not saying it made it ok for me to do what I did. I'm just saying he is doing everything now that he didn't do then, and it's not forced. He is enjoying me again and I am enjoying him. He hasn't shown this much interest in me in well over a year. For the past year and half (up until the affair) I felt so neglected and alone. I missed him so much but was too stupid to know what to do about it. Even stupider, I thought another man would help?! I try not to beat myself up too much, but I still know I was an idiot. I hate I wasted so much time and energy on something so destructive. I'm still cautious about the future. I'm still sensitive to the fact he will go through a lot of emotions. I don't talk about OM anymore unless he wants to, which he never does. No matter what my future holds, I'm not lying anymore and I'm not keeping secrets, and my hope is in God. So I am at peace with whatever happens because I am no longer deceiving my husband or hurting myself. I'd rather deal with consequences than guilt and destruction. The truth did set me free.

 

Just be aware that D-Day was only a few weeks ago. He's still in shock and may be hysterically bonding. He will probably hit his anger and depression stage later on down the road in a few months.

 

Because it seems right now you think that everything is OK, and that he has forgiven you. It's generally too soon to tell how this has affected him because this is a life changing event and he may or may not want to R down the road. If you truly want to R, then you had better do your best to be transparent and patient. You will need to learn his triggers and be ready to show remorse and give constant reassurance that you love him and that you will be faithful and never do this again.

[Distant78]

Hey all - I said I wouldn't come back unless something changed drastically. Well, it hasn't yet. My H is back to the H I've always known but better. He knows how much I love him. He has been able to forgive me and allow me to be his wife again. Do I deserve it? No. Am I still disgusted with myself sometimes? yes. I know our situation isn't typical at all. I just think that my H realized that he played a part in what lead up to the affair and he owns that. I'm not saying it made it ok for me to do what I did. I'm just saying he is doing everything now that he didn't do then, and it's not forced. He is enjoying me again and I am enjoying him. He hasn't shown this much interest in me in well over a year. For the past year and half (up until the affair) I felt so neglected and alone. I missed him so much but was too stupid to know what to do about it. Even stupider, I thought another man would help?! I try not to beat myself up too much, but I still know I was an idiot. I hate I wasted so much time and energy on something so destructive. I'm still cautious about the future. I'm still sensitive to the fact he will go through a lot of emotions. I don't talk about OM anymore unless he wants to, which he never does. No matter what my future holds, I'm not lying anymore and I'm not keeping secrets, and my hope is in God. So I am at peace with whatever happens because I am no longer deceiving my husband or hurting myself. I'd rather deal with consequences than guilt and destruction. The truth did set me free.

 

You gotta stop with this. This is far from over.

[RobD70]

So according to this, it is coming up to the 1 month mark of ending the affair.

I had been involved in a 4 month affair until last week. I knew I couldn't keep living a double life. I have a husband and two young children. It was killing me. I am in love with OM but I realized I love my H more so I had to confess because I didn't think I had to strength to end the affair without confessing.

This is almost exactly what my wife said….the FIRST time we reconciled (out of 3)

I know our situation isn't typical at all. I just think that my H realized that he played a part in what lead up to the affair and he owns that. I'm not saying it made it ok for me to do what I did. I'm just saying he is doing everything now that he didn't do then, and it's not forced. He is enjoying me again and I am enjoying him. He hasn't shown this much interest in me in well over a year. For the past year and half (up until the affair) I felt so neglected and alone..

Its far from over. Affairs are like drugs and from what I‘ve seen over 90% end up relapsing. It took my wife 6 months before she ran to the OM again. The affair is not over, it’s dormant right now. If you can make it around 2 years of NC then you can say it’s over but until then there will always be the fear of you starting it up again whether you believe that now or not.

 

The mistake here is your H thinking he played a part in the affair, he did not. The affair was a bad judgment call on your behalf. Had you been a decent person you would had tried to end the marriage first and not look for a substitute. It’s not your husband’s fault you choose poorly. He can blame himself for you leaving had you left but not for this.

 

My wife had an exit affair and said many of the same things you say now and I reacted the same as your H. You are at the very beginning of a long process that may end up turning badly for you. The affair is something you will regret for the rest of your life and hate yourself for, way more than you do now. If you ever go back to the AP you will hit rock bottom and lose everything. Not just your H, but the respect from friends/family and years from now you will still have to live with that stigma. Some of that you will never earn back.

[Binster]

Good luck to you both hope it works out.

I have to say it wouldn't with me though, so I think you should value your husband for being big enough to give it another chance.

Let us know how you get on.

[fooled once]

Exactly. You've made some really good points.

 

Look at spark (a BS) and anne (a WS). Both of them are insistent on claiming that things are better than ever in the aftermath of the infidelity in their respective relationships, yet there is still monitoring and distrust going on in BOTH relationships. That is an inevitability and it remains much more of an inevitability when people want to insist that what is true, isn't. And that truth is: Some things can't be undone. And reconciliation, to be successful, MUST acknowledge that.

 

So--don't tell me that the trust has been rebuilt if you need each other's passwords. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if you can't even give a straight answer as to whether your spouse does or doesn't monitor your emails. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if your spouse is afraid you will have a revenge affair on him.

 

And most importantly--don't tell that to any WS or BS asking for advice, because you are just selling them a bill of goods.

 

It is not all fairy tales, candy canes and rainbows. Not even close.

 

FYI - there is no cheating in my marriage yet my H and I share our passwords with each other. Why would we have to be secret about it? I don't go into his email nor he into mine; but if I needed him to go into it, he could and the same for me with him.

 

How about staying on post and not throwing jabs at Anne and Spark?

[JaneyAmazed]

I just thought I'd share some of my thoughts today. My H is at work. I didn't mention this before I'm a SAHM and student. My little one is napping. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. I was just remembering the night I made the confession...several hours later...in the middle of night, my H was upstairs and I was downstairs in our bedroom. I remember not being able to look at his clothes, pictures of us, or anything because I thought I had lost him. In a split second I couldn't believe I risked losing the best man I've ever known. Not only that I betrayed him. I thought about if he had done it to me. I thought about how he must feel to have the one person he trusted with all his heart to betray him in such a horrible way. I remember only seeing him in my mind. I couldn't think about anything else. I was seeing a ghost of him...as if he was already gone. It was the scariest, most sobering experience of my life. I couldn't even breathe without taking short breaths. I don't ever want to experience that again. People who wonder would I cheat again? Hell no. I HATE that I have memories I'd rather forget. I HATE that I disrespected the sanctity of my marriage. I HATE that I made my H cry. I hate who I became - a weak, stupid woman who almost lost everything that means anything in her life. I was a sad and desparate woman. I'm still not completely healed but I have my self-respect back. I may still be messed up and sad at times, but I keep moving forward. I love my husband. I hope that he will continue to want to work things out. I hope that it won't become too much of a burden on him, but if it does one day, I will let him make that choice. I will always carry this scar and it will be a reminder of what I did. I pray for my H's heart, that it will heal eventually. He's being so nice and so strong, but I know his heart is hurting.

[PhoenixRise]

Janey

 

I have been reading your thread and I am glad you continued to post in spite of some of the harsh responses you have gotten.

 

It seems to me that you are doing everything possible to repair the damage you have done. I hope things work out for you and your husband.

 

AND don't let anyone make you doubt that true reconciliation is possible. It can happen if both parties are willing to do the work. It is not easy. It doesn't happen overnight. But it can happen.

 

Good luck

[What_Next]

People who wonder would I cheat again? Hell no. I HATE that I have memories I'd rather forget. I HATE that I disrespected the sanctity of my marriage. I HATE that I made my H cry. I hate who I became - a weak, stupid woman who almost lost everything that means anything in her life.

 

Janey, I have heard my wife say very similiar statements. In fact she has said them many times. I do believe that you are truly sorry for what you have done. I honestly do. Not sure, I just do.

 

I really do admire your H. He obviously loves you very much and you are a VERY lucky woman. I can tell you my wife is NOT getting the same easy ride I believe you are getting. In a way I think that is a bad thing for you. I am letting out my emotion to my wife. She knows what she has done, firsthand. She went through the utter devistating experience of seeing me get involved with someone else and it nearly tore her apart. Now I don't wish that on anyone, but please be cautious. Give your H time, support him, and encourage him to explore his anger.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey

 

I have been reading your thread and I am glad you continued to post in spite of some of the harsh responses you have gotten.

 

It seems to me that you are doing everything possible to repair the damage you have done. I hope things work out for you and your husband.

 

AND don't let anyone make you doubt that true reconciliation is possible. It can happen if both parties are willing to do the work. It is not easy. It doesn't happen overnight. But it can happen.

 

Good luck

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

[Billy_Boy]

Honest question Janey, what will you do if he goes out to get his little piece of ass on the side? Because if there was ever a chance in the world he would, now would be the time from here forward. Will you be able to reconcile that? I am curious.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, I have heard my wife say very similiar statements. In fact she has said them many times. I do believe that you are truly sorry for what you have done. I honestly do. Not sure, I just do.

 

I really do admire your H. He obviously loves you very much and you are a VERY lucky woman. I can tell you my wife is NOT getting the same easy ride I believe you are getting. In a way I think that is a bad thing for you. I am letting out my emotion to my wife. She knows what she has done, firsthand. She went through the utter devistating experience of seeing me get involved with someone else and it nearly tore her apart. Now I don't wish that on anyone, but please be cautious. Give your H time, support him, and encourage him to explore his anger.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

I know it's easy ride compared to what I should be going through, but it's really not easy. If I encourage him to explore his anger, he just gets upset that I don't believe he's forgiven me. It's sort of the "damned if I do, damned I don't" kind of thing. It is bad for me in some ways, but in other ways it's really good for me. I am able to concentrate on what made me so unhappy and made me fall so far from where I used to be. I am able to work on myself as well as my marriage. If he were being especially hard on me, I think I'd concentrate so much on pleasing him, I'd forget to work on me. He just tells me to stop beating myself up. He still makes jokes sometimes. One joke made me cry because it just makes me so ashamed now. It's still not funny to me. He said he wouldn't joke anymore but I told him if it makes him feel better, I don't mind. He said he just wants to lighten things up when we're feeling so low. I guess I can handle it but I feel guilty laughing about anything related to what I did. I guess I'm going to keep going with the flow...

[JaneyAmazed]

Honest question Janey, what will you do if he goes out to get his little piece of ass on the side? Because if there was ever a chance in the world he would, now would be the time from here forward. Will you be able to reconcile that? I am curious.

 

 

Well, considering all we've been through, I think our marriage would be doomed if he did that. However, I trust him. He is actually a faithful, trustworthy husband (unlike I was). He said he'd leave me before he'd cheat. I believe him. He's a good man, better than I was for sure. If I'm wrong and he does go out to find someone else, two wrongs never make a right. I would just see it as a sign we are meant to go our separate ways.

[JaneyAmazed]

Honest question Janey, what will you do if he goes out to get his little piece of ass on the side? Because if there was ever a chance in the world he would, now would be the time from here forward. Will you be able to reconcile that? I am curious.

 

 

Another thought I had was that if really wanted to hurt me the way I hurt him, he probably doesn't see our marriage working anyway. If he loves me like he says he does and wants his family to stay together, I would assume he'll do everything he can to make that happen. Cheating on me would destroy any chances of that. I think he knows how a stupid decision would interfere with his goal.

[Billy_Boy]

Another thought I had was that if really wanted to hurt me the way I hurt him, he probably doesn't see our marriage working anyway. If he loves me like he says he does and wants his family to stay together, I would assume he'll do everything he can to make that happen. Cheating on me would destroy any chances of that. I think he knows how a stupid decision would interfere with his goal.

 

I dont think you know how many men operate. At some point he is going to explode, and reclaim his manhood. He may or may not do that. But he definitely may and if he is with you now, doesn't mean the relationship will definitely end, especially if he chooses to remain. And if that hurt effects him enough, sometimes its easier to swtich the feeling of betrayal with feelings of guilt by cheating. Its a messed up pathology, but happens often.

 

What would you do? I am just curious.

[What_Next]

Well, considering all we've been through, I think our marriage would be doomed if he did that. However, I trust him. He is actually a faithful, trustworthy husband (unlike I was). He said he'd leave me before he'd cheat. I believe him. He's a good man, better than I was for sure. If I'm wrong and he does go out to find someone else, two wrongs never make a right. I would just see it as a sign we are meant to go our separate ways.

 

I am surprised to hear you say that.

 

What if he had cheated in the first place? How do you think you would have reacted?

 

I'm sorry to say that revenge affairs are VERY common, I had one. I am not proud of it, but I did.

[JaneyAmazed]

I am surprised to hear you say that.

 

What if he had cheated in the first place? How do you think you would have reacted?

 

I'm sorry to say that revenge affairs are VERY common, I had one. I am not proud of it, but I did.

 

 

What surprises you? That I wouldn't expect him to do what I did because he loves me? I'm sure revenge affairs are very common, but I believe my H when he says he doesn't want revenge. How does that surprise you?

[JaneyAmazed]

I dont think you know how many men operate. At some point he is going to explode, and reclaim his manhood. He may or may not do that. But he definitely may and if he is with you now, doesn't mean the relationship will definitely end, especially if he chooses to remain. And if that hurt effects him enough, sometimes its easier to swtich the feeling of betrayal with feelings of guilt by cheating. Its a messed up pathology, but happens often.

 

What would you do? I am just curious.

 

 

What would I do? I have no idea. My H always said he'd divorce me if I cheated on him, but obviously that didn't happen (yet). So until it happens to me, I don't know what I'd do. How do any of us know what we'll do until it happens?

[JaneyAmazed]

I am surprised to hear you say that.

 

What if he had cheated in the first place? How do you think you would have reacted?

 

I'm sorry to say that revenge affairs are VERY common, I had one. I am not proud of it, but I did.

 

 

If he had cheated on me first, I have no idea how I would have reacted, but I damn sure wouldn't go out and stoop to his level.

[JaneyAmazed]

If he had cheated on me first, I have no idea how I would have reacted, but I damn sure wouldn't go out and stoop to his level.

 

 

I only say this because I don't think he'll stoop to the level I was at. All it says is I'm going to prove I can be an *** too. Not productive. Really though, it goes back to... I have no idea in the world what I do. I hate scenarios that haven't happened! I'm just going to see what happens and deal with whatever comes my way. My H says he wants us to work on our marriage so having a revenge affair would prove he really doesn't want to work on the marriage...so I gotta believe him right now.

[anne1707]

Janey

 

I have to say I am so proud of you and how far you have travelled over the past few weeks. Just this weekend I looked back at my threads when I first joined LS and I took a LOT longer to get where you are now. Very scary.

 

Some have told you that your husband will backtrack - I think it probable that he will but I also think it likely that will only be a temporary setback - and you will have more of those but that is only to be expected.

 

As for those who talk of revenge affairs. My H actually suggested in MC that my affair was a revenge affair for his very brief affair years earlier. He was as good as giving me an escape route but I would not accept it. My affair was my doing, not his, and I took responsibility for it. Two wrongs do not make a right. So I guess I am saying that if someone tells you that you should put up and shut up if your H has an affair then I do not agree. Your marriage needs to change and you know that.

 

Be strong, be patient, be open.

[moloko]

Well, considering all we've been through, I think our marriage would be doomed if he did that. However, I trust him. He is actually a faithful, trustworthy husband (unlike I was). He said he'd leave me before he'd cheat. I believe him. He's a good man, better than I was for sure. If I'm wrong and he does go out to find someone else, two wrongs never make a right. I would just see it as a sign we are meant to go our separate ways.

 

translation: "if he did the same thing I did, I wouldn't want to stay married to him"

[GorillaTheater]

My H actually suggested in MC that my affair was a revenge affair for his very brief affair years earlier. He was as good as giving me an escape route but I would not accept it. My affair was my doing, not his, and I took responsibility for it. Two wrongs do not make a right.

 

I have to say, you and Wuggles are tops in my book, the very definitions of class and dignity. Even if you two do happen to be unreconstructed Bolsheviks.

[moloko]

Well, considering all we've been through, I think our marriage would be doomed if he did that.

 

by that logic, it should be doomed because YOU went out and did that.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey

 

I have to say I am so proud of you and how far you have travelled over the past few weeks. Just this weekend I looked back at my threads when I first joined LS and I took a LOT longer to get where you are now. Very scary.

 

Some have told you that your husband will backtrack - I think it probable that he will but I also think it likely that will only be a temporary setback - and you will have more of those but that is only to be expected.

 

As for those who talk of revenge affairs. My H actually suggested in MC that my affair was a revenge affair for his very brief affair years earlier. He was as good as giving me an escape route but I would not accept it. My affair was my doing, not his, and I took responsibility for it. Two wrongs do not make a right. So I guess I am saying that if someone tells you that you should put up and shut up if your H has an affair then I do not agree. Your marriage needs to change and you know that.

 

Be strong, be patient, be open.

 

 

Thank you. Even if I could just put up and shut up if he had a revenge affair, it would still do so much damage to our relationship. Revenge is never the answer. I think my H knows he'd regret it anyway. Some people are smarter than I was. They avoid things they know they will regret. My H is one of those people. He sees the big picture.

[What_Next]

So I guess I am saying that if someone tells you that you should put up and shut up if your H has an affair then I do not agree. Your marriage needs to change and you know that.

 

Anne I don't think anyone here said that. I know I certainly didn't. I was just taken aback by her responses. I would NEVER say someone has to put up or shut up, period. What I did, I did when we were seperated and I did it right out in the open, I didn't hide it. For the record I also lived under the complete assumption that infedility meant instant divorce and I am still somewhat surprised that I didn't go that route, now I did go the route of seperation and even moving out, but in the end we are still together as the old saying goes "for better or worse".

 

Janey, I encourage you to keep posting to keep us updated on your situation. As I had said earlier you are a very lucky woman, remember that for the rest of your days with him. I for one hope that is for the rest of your lives.