Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[JaneyAmazed]

I just find it disturbing that someone who was given the chance to stay won't even give their own spouse they hurt, the same courage if it happens to them. But then again it is typical for cheaters to be this way.

 

I find it disturbing that you give a darn what I do considering I'm a typical cheater. According to your warped view, if chooses to stay with me, he chooses a "coward" who might not be able to forgive him. Right? So let that be his choice.

[Distant78]

I find it disturbing that you give a darn what I do considering I'm a typical cheater.

 

Well this is an infidelity board and like others I kindly like to voice my opinion on current topics.

 

According to your warped view, if chooses to stay with me, he chooses a "coward" who might not be able to forgive him. Right? So let that be his choice.

 

I like my "warped view.":laugh: So then why are you guys married if you won't show him the same forgiveness he's showing you?

[JaneyAmazed]

Well this is an infidelity board and like others I kindly like to voice my opinion on current topics.

 

Kindly...uh huh

 

 

I like my "warped view.":laugh: So then why are you guys married if you won't show him the same forgiveness he's showing you?

 

 

I never said I wouldn't show him forgiveness. Once again, you're wrong.

[Distant78]

I never said I wouldn't show him forgiveness. Once again, you're wrong.

 

Thank you.

[JaneyAmazed]

Thank you.

 

 

... and still warped.

[JaneyAmazed]

I have a question for anyone...including Distant and comic relief guy. I may not agree with y'all but I don't mind reading your posts anymore. If my husband never shows any signs of anger and continues like this for months, should I still worry ...say in half a year? Could he actually bottle up something that long?! What if he's not bottling anything up and I'm assuming he is? I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to go off but not sure when or if it will. Maybe I'm worrying too much right now.

[Distant78]

... and still warped.

 

Thanks I'll be warped instead of cheating.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Distant78

[JaneyAmazed]

Thanks I'll be warped instead of cheating.

 

 

Who's cheating? Not me!

[Distant78]

Who's cheating? Not me!

 

Ahh, okay.

[anne1707]

I have a question for anyone...including Distant and comic relief guy. I may not agree with y'all but I don't mind reading your posts anymore. If my husband never shows any signs of anger and continues like this for months, should I still worry ...say in half a year? Could he actually bottle up something that long?! What if he's not bottling anything up and I'm assuming he is? I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to go off but not sure when or if it will. Maybe I'm worrying too much right now.

 

Not neccessarily. Everybody has a different way of processing the pain. In the immediate aftermath of Dday, my H had some moments of displayed anger but that did not continue. I did express my concerns to him that he was "bottling things up" but he assured me that he was OK. It has always been in his nature to quietly think things through and be very slow to show anger. Although this could make him withdrawn at times and I would ask if he wanted to talk or not. We also made a point of respecting each others desire not to talk at times just because things were maybe too difficult at that moment although we always came back together later to try and deal with whatever had been causing the problem at that specific time whether that was in MC or on our own.

[JaneyAmazed]

Not neccessarily. Everybody has a different way of processing the pain. In the immediate aftermath of Dday, my H had some moments of displayed anger but that did not continue. I did express my concerns to him that he was "bottling things up" but he assured me that he was OK. It has always been in his nature to quietly think things through and be very slow to show anger. Although this could make him withdrawn at times and I would ask if he wanted to talk or not. We also made a point of respecting each others desire not to talk at times just because things were maybe too difficult at that moment although we always came back together later to try and deal with whatever had been causing the problem at that specific time whether that was in MC or on our own.

 

Your post makes me feel so much better. Thank you! My husband also insists he is not bottling anything up - he may be in denial, but I can't know for sure. I have changed so much in the last few weeks. I still feel guilt, but it doesn't overwhelm me. I still feel remorse, but it doesn't keep me from moving forward. I have my self-respect back which has made me stronger. I can be totally honest with my husband now, and I have absolutely nothing to hide anymore. Like I said before, the truth really has set me free. Being free doesn't always mean being pain-free, but it means being free to pursue life again - a good life really loving the man I'm married to, not just through words, but through my actions. It will take me a long time to gain his trust back, but I will through my actions - not through empty promises. I hardly ever tell him what I'm going to do. I just do it, and let him see how much I want to fight for him. I have been humbled and broken, and picking the pieces up will take a while but I'm glad to given the chance to pick them up and try to repair this precious marriage. I know with all my heart and soul, I am right where I am supposed to be...with the family I am blessed with.

[moloko]

I have a question for anyone...including Distant and comic relief guy. I may not agree with y'all but I don't mind reading your posts anymore. If my husband never shows any signs of anger and continues like this for months, should I still worry ...say in half a year? Could he actually bottle up something that long?!

 

he can bottle it up for longer than that. all depends on him.

 

its not so much about bottling up resentment, which he may do and he may wake up everyday with turmoil a brewin'.

 

But what WILL happen is that every so often, no matter how long its been and how much, for the most part, he has not let your cheating enter his mind, something will trigger the thoughts and he will either stay silent and keep his pain to himself, or he will get cranky, irritable, or outright lash out.

 

 

What if he's not bottling anything up and I'm assuming he is? I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to go off but not sure when or if it will. Maybe I'm worrying too much right now.

 

just dont assume anything, but realize the pain you caused never completely goes away.

[moloko]

Not neccessarily. Everybody has a different way of processing the pain. In the immediate aftermath of Dday, my H had some moments of displayed anger but that did not continue. I did express my concerns to him that he was "bottling things up" but he assured me that he was OK.

 

i didn't stay with my wife. but if I had, of course I wouldn't ever really admit that I was still hurt. Call it a male pride thing.

 

I'm not saying he is going to be brewing with anger inside(although it will come for her H even if for a short time). But he has been condemned to a life of thinking about it once in a while. It may not trigger outright anger, but it isn't going to feel good to him either.

[What_Next]

i didn't stay with my wife. but if I had, of course I wouldn't ever really admit that I was still hurt. Call it a male pride thing.

 

I'm not saying he is going to be brewing with anger inside(although it will come for her H even if for a short time). But he has been condemned to a life of thinking about it once in a while. It may not trigger outright anger, but it isn't going to feel good to him either.

 

There are 2 sides to this repsonse and it is a very insightful one. First, I do believe that in order for any sort of healing to occur he will HAVE TO admit the hurt he is feeling. In fact I suggest he has to admit it quite a bit. Whether or not he is able to is the key. In my case I resisted admitting it for a long time, even to myself. The end result was me walking away from my marriage and moving out and getting involved with someone. Also chasing anything in a skirt. Once I finally realized that I needed to get in touch with what was going on in my own head without confusion I got some clarity. You had been hope your H gets that very same clarity.

 

The second part of this post is also true, and I can speak from personal experience. Yes those thoughts do enter my mind, in fact less than 6 months from D-day they enter my mind daily. This is compounded by the thoughts that my wife has in her head of what I chose to do. Luckily you don't have to deal with that Janey. Now, he can either push these thoughts to the back of his mind and ignore them, or he can explore them and communicate them. If he doesn't then; then in the long run I fear for your marriage, I really do.

 

Lastly, I mentioned earlier in this thread about encouraging your husband to go out and do some nice things for HIM, just for HIM! You replied with the fact that your family is taking a vacation. Well that is NOT what I meant. I mean for him to do some things for him. Buy new clothes, new tools, a weekend away at a Nascar race, whatever he is into. Just for him. Let him enjoy something that is still pure to him, something that can maybe get his mind off of what you have done, just for a while. You know what, it's almost 6 months later and I can count on my one hand the number of times I was purely happy since D-day. Just pure happiness without thoughts of what my wife did in my mind. Think about that Janey, just think about the magnitude of what you have done.

[JaneyAmazed]

There are 2 sides to this repsonse and it is a very insightful one. First, I do believe that in order for any sort of healing to occur he will HAVE TO admit the hurt he is feeling. In fact I suggest he has to admit it quite a bit. Whether or not he is able to is the key. In my case I resisted admitting it for a long time, even to myself. The end result was me walking away from my marriage and moving out and getting involved with someone. Also chasing anything in a skirt. Once I finally realized that I needed to get in touch with what was going on in my own head without confusion I got some clarity. You had been hope your H gets that very same clarity.

 

The second part of this post is also true, and I can speak from personal experience. Yes those thoughts do enter my mind, in fact less than 6 months from D-day they enter my mind daily. This is compounded by the thoughts that my wife has in her head of what I chose to do. Luckily you don't have to deal with that Janey. Now, he can either push these thoughts to the back of his mind and ignore them, or he can explore them and communicate them. If he doesn't then; then in the long run I fear for your marriage, I really do.

 

Lastly, I mentioned earlier in this thread about encouraging your husband to go out and do some nice things for HIM, just for HIM! You replied with the fact that your family is taking a vacation. Well that is NOT what I meant. I mean for him to do some things for him. Buy new clothes, new tools, a weekend away at a Nascar race, whatever he is into. Just for him. Let him enjoy something that is still pure to him, something that can maybe get his mind off of what you have done, just for a while. You know what, it's almost 6 months later and I can count on my one hand the number of times I was purely happy since D-day. Just pure happiness without thoughts of what my wife did in my mind. Think about that Janey, just think about the magnitude of what you have done.

 

 

Why do you assume I don't think about it? My H and I were up until 3:00am last night talking about everything. I KNOW the magnitude. He's an unusual guy, and that's an understatement. I'm way more upset than he is. He keeps insisting that he has forgiven me. He's says he still hurts but he's not angry. I know what you meant about him doing something for himself. The reason I mentioned Disney is because he keeps talking about it and he's really looking forward to it. I want him to look forward to something. I really appreciate your warnings, and I do take them seriously. It is a waiting game so to speak, but in the meantime, I am supporting him the best I can. I try to make his life as easy as possible. Your advice is so valuable. It really shows how much class and character you have to be willing to help me in spite of what was done to you.

[JaneyAmazed]

i didn't stay with my wife. but if I had, of course I wouldn't ever really admit that I was still hurt. Call it a male pride thing.

 

I'm not saying he is going to be brewing with anger inside(although it will come for her H even if for a short time). But he has been condemned to a life of thinking about it once in a while. It may not trigger outright anger, but it isn't going to feel good to him either.

 

Moloko, your advice is also valuable. I feel so humbled to have former betrayed husbands want to help me. You just don't know what it means to me. I know it's never going to feel good to him. I really do hate what I've done... It's hard to live with. I told him last night I don't deserve him. He just laughed and held me and said I am his wife and I do deserve him. I don't take my second chance for granted at all. I still hurt and cry because even if we do make it and our marriage turns out good, I still have to live with what I did. I will still have those memories too. I see the magnitude of destroying what was sacred. Starting over is fine, but I'll never be able look back at my wedding day and say I kept my vows and I've only been with this one amazing man since the day I met him. It hurts deeply. My heart is broken. I can move on, but as I've said before, the scar will never go away. If anyone is reading this that's thinking about having an A, for the love of God, don't do it. NOTHING you can get from an A is worth the pain and the destruction that goes along with it.

[JaneyAmazed]

By the way, my name - JaneyAmazed - was originally to show how amazed I am at my husband's mercy and willingness to give me a second chance. It still means that, but it also represents how I feel about the betrayed husbands here that have taken the time to help me. Even when the truth is hard for me to swallow, your advice and wisdom helps me. Thanks so much.

[What_Next]

Janey, you misunderstand me. I did not mean to say that you don't think about what you've done. My post is not mean to be accusatory, although you seem to continually take them that way and get quite defensive. I am once again giving you a unique perspective, from a BS that is willing to talk about it. Something that your H appears not to want to do.

 

Your H IS angry (well he may not be showing it right now, but the anger is there). He is simply ignoring his own emotions and bottling it all up. This is a dangerous situation in the long run. However, you cannot control his emotions.

 

It might very well be a waiting game, and it is fantastic that you are trying to do your best in the meantime, keep it up.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, you misunderstand me. I did not mean to say that you don't think about what you've done. My post is not mean to be accusatory, although you seem to continually take them that way and get quite defensive. I am once again giving you a unique perspective, from a BS that is willing to talk about it. Something that your H appears not to want to do.

 

QUOTE]

 

Oh no! I swear I'm not meaning to sound defensive. That's what I don't like about the internet. My tone keeps getting misinterpreted. I don't know how to not sound defensive I guess. I think I type what I would say if I were speaking and it ends up looking defensive. I am not being defensive at all which is why I said I really appreciate your advice. So sorry.

[JaneyAmazed]

Your H IS angry (well he may not be showing it right now, but the anger is there). He is simply ignoring his own emotions and bottling it all up. This is a dangerous situation in the long run. However, you cannot control his emotions.

 

 

I know. I just have to let him deal with this the best way he can. I have no doubt that he will angry from time to time or he may blow up one day, so I really don't assume anything right now. I'm definitely not living with my head in the clouds thinking he won't get angry at some point. I said in an earlier post, I think I'd feel better if he'd just get angry. He has expressed his disappointment. He has told me what he thinks of me and my actions, but the anger isn't there yet. He has put me in my place in a calm manner...if that makes any sense.

[JaneyAmazed]

It's amazing how many emotions I've gone through since the confession. Today was the first day that I actually had a mostly "happy day." Even when I'd think of xOM, it was more of a distant kind of thought...the addiction is definitely over. My H is in IC and it's helping him a lot. He's having to admit a lot of things he wouldn't admit before (regarding his response to the A). He has forgiven me and the counselor agrees, but he still has to heal. I'm so glad the counselor told him that. He needs to take care of himself. The counselor also told him the changes he needs to make. Him never being home and being to tired too spend time with me when he was at home lead to the affair. He knows that. He knows I'm not a serial cheater or a cake eater. He knows I was hurting badly and I handled it in a horrible way. That's why I think he's giving me the second chance. We have a plan, and we're both doing our part. We are communicating more than we have a long, long time. I think the hardest adjustment I've had to make this month is switching gears so drastically...changing my bad habits, my addiction to xOM, my bad attitude towards my H, and my selfishness back to the way I used to be but better. Having to face who I became has been really hard. When my H looks at me and asks how I could betray him like that, I feel so ashamed. Looking back on it, I don't know how or why I resented him so much...why I didn't seek the help I needed, we needed... Why I took such a risk. I was pretty desparate. I remember that. I just remember being so screwed up, like my life was getting darker and darker. Now I feel like it's getting brighter and brighter.

[whichwayisup]

With that attitude and the desire from both of you to make this work, is a good thing. It won't be easy and you'll have many rough days ahead, but you'll also have good days! Days where you two really connect again and make progress. Don't give up, work with one another always.

 

MC is going to help the issues you two had before the A.

 

Good for you Janey! All the best!

[kaysun]

It's amazing how many emotions I've gone through since the confession. Today was the first day that I actually had a mostly "happy day." Even when I'd think of xOM, it was more of a distant kind of thought...the addiction is definitely over. My H is in IC and it's helping him a lot. He's having to admit a lot of things he wouldn't admit before (regarding his response to the A). He has forgiven me and the counselor agrees, but he still has to heal. I'm so glad the counselor told him that. He needs to take care of himself. The counselor also told him the changes he needs to make. Him never being home and being to tired too spend time with me when he was at home lead to the affair. He knows that. He knows I'm not a serial cheater or a cake eater. He knows I was hurting badly and I handled it in a horrible way. That's why I think he's giving me the second chance. We have a plan, and we're both doing our part. We are communicating more than we have a long, long time. I think the hardest adjustment I've had to make this month is switching gears so drastically...changing my bad habits, my addiction to xOM, my bad attitude towards my H, and my selfishness back to the way I used to be but better. Having to face who I became has been really hard. When my H looks at me and asks how I could betray him like that, I feel so ashamed. Looking back on it, I don't know how or why I resented him so much...why I didn't seek the help I needed, we needed... Why I took such a risk. I was pretty desparate. I remember that. I just remember being so screwed up, like my life was getting darker and darker. Now I feel like it's getting brighter and brighter.

 

I'm curious about the bolded statement and hoping you can expand on why you or his counselor believe he has forgiven you.

 

In reading the numerous threads / posts on this forum, the one common denominator I've seen, whether the couple reconciled or not, was that forgiveness took some time, if it ever came at all. This is also my experience in real life.

 

My counselor told me that forgiveness is like peeling an onion. You have to peel it layer by layer and forgive every layer that you peel. That takes time. A lot of time.

 

Do you truely believe your husband has forgiven you for a four month affair in only one month's time?

[Distant78]

Do you truely believe your husband has forgiven you for a four month affair in only one month's time?

 

Exactly. She needs to realize that this takes YEARS for the pain to even calm down to the point of a dot.

[Smith123]

You made a choice to have this affair, it was not forced upon you. You had the ability to say no, you could have walked away. How we regret when we do the wrong things and now we have to pay the piper. Did you think of your kids when you were in this affair or your husband who you said has always been there for you. In reality you cannot take it back.

The question is what are you going to do now???

 

 

I had been involved in a 4 month affair until last week. I knew I couldn't keep living a double life. I have a husband and two young children. It was killing me. I am in love with OM but I realized I love my H more so I had to confess because I didn't think I had to strength to end the affair without confessing. So here I am. The last 24 hours have been a blur of pain and agnony. Maybe more so for my H. My H will not talk to me right now. He asked a few questions yesterday - who, where, how often and he didn't want many details. It hurts to my core to not be to comfort him or for him to comfort me. He was always the one I'd have when things go wrong in my life. Now I've done him wrong. I just want to hear from any BS or fWS how to deal with this best? It is all so raw right now? Is there anything I can do to help him?