Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[BB07]

You made a choice to have this affair, it was not forced upon you. You had the ability to say no, you could have walked away. How we regret when we do the wrong things and now we have to pay the piper. Did you think of your kids when you were in this affair or your husband who you said has always been there for you. In reality you cannot take it back.

The question is what are you going to do now???

 

Your post is several days late......as Janey has explained herself pretty well or perhaps you are here to dish out some punishment?

[Bittersweetie]

Do you truely believe your husband has forgiven you for a four month affair in only one month's time?

 

I also wonder about this...my H and I are over a year past d-day, and while things are going well for our reconciliation, he has not forgiven me. When I look back at where we were one month out, I can't imagine talking about forgiveness...at that time we were both emotional clusters. Forgiveness is something he works on at his own pace, I do not push or expect anything.

 

I've read through this thread over time, but I can't remember, have you read the Five Languages of Apology? It's an excellent book and may help in your communication with your H.

[JaneyAmazed]

Do you truely believe your husband has forgiven you for a four month affair in only one month's time?

 

I knew I would get questioned about that. I choose to believe he really has forgiven me because he's told me he has. He said he wouldn't lie about that. I know everyone is different, and the counselor said he really believes based on his behavior and thoughts that he is, but it still doesn't mean he is healed. He said it's not unusal to forgive soon, but it's the healing that takes a while. Forgiven doesn't mean forgotten. People really do have the ablility to forgive in a shorter amount of time than we think. Forgiveness is not something that has the same formula for everyone. It's ok if you don't agree. Actually, I still treat the situation as if he hasn't forgiven me though. I'm still cautious. I didn't expect him to forgive me for a long, long time so if he's fooling himself or the counselor, then time will tell. The important thing right now is - forgiveness or not - he is still with me and still working hard to make our marriage work. Last night I went out with some friends, and I told him to call me whenever he wanted. I took my camera so I could take lots of pictures. He doesn't ask me to all this, but I like to reassure him. I told him he could call any of the friends I was with and ask to speak to me. I feel like if he won't check up on me, I still want him to be reassured. I'm in a position where I don't expect him to trust me or forgive me I live as if he doesn't so he has no reason to doubt where I am or what I'm doing.

[JaneyAmazed]

Your post is several days late......as Janey has explained herself pretty well or perhaps you are here to dish out some punishment?

 

 

Thanks BB07...and thank you for believing in me.

[anne1707]

I'm in a position where I don't expect him to trust me or forgive me I live as if he doesn't so he has no reason to doubt where I am or what I'm doing.

 

 

I think you are wise to think like this and follow through with actions to support this mindset. Your H may well have forgiven you but he is bound to have his moments when he will question and doubt - that is all part of the process. However if you continue to show by your actions that you can now be trusted and are being completely open, that goes a long way to help him (and your marriage) heal.

[giantfan]

Janey

 

My wife confessed in July after having a 10 month affair. I knew she was having it. She had all the signs and tried her best to hide it at the same time she put me down everytime I brought it up. She confessed. Told me a lot about her affair. Some things made sense some still dont. I had the affair time line in my head for her entire affair and wanted those pieces of the puzzle put together. I was right on her tail but never took the steps to catch her in the act.

It is 6 months and I will tell you that this is the absolute hardest thing that I have had to deal with. It is taking all my strength to try and work this out. Sometimes I look at her and I hate her. Other times I feel sorry for her. The feeling of betrayal is unbearable. Feels like I am grieving. I feel bad for my kids because it has taken my attention away from them. Do I want it to work out? I do. I know that it will effect me for the rest of my life. My advice is to not lie about anything that he wants to know. My wife has told me " you dont need to know that" That should be my call about what I want to hear. Just tell me the truth and let me put things together. My wifes 3 friends knew about her affair and now are her support team. Funny how they feel sorry for her. She made me the bad guy while the affair took place. My support team? No one. Why? because everyone that knows the 2 of us, other than her friends that knew about the affair would hate her. I don't want that to happen so it has to be my secret to bear. What a roller coaster of emotions. I have exploded numerous time since knowing. Her answer "you are never going to get over it" Not what I want to hear. If my wife knew what it felt to be betrayed after 18 years, she would know that I am doing "pretty good". Commit to your husband 100% about everything and anything that he wants to know. I wish my wife would.

[Distant78]

Janey

 

My wife confessed in July after having a 10 month affair. I knew she was having it. She had all the signs and tried her best to hide it at the same time she put me down everytime I brought it up. She confessed. Told me a lot about her affair. Some things made sense some still dont. I had the affair time line in my head for her entire affair and wanted those pieces of the puzzle put together. I was right on her tail but never took the steps to catch her in the act.

It is 6 months and I will tell you that this is the absolute hardest thing that I have had to deal with. It is taking all my strength to try and work this out. Sometimes I look at her and I hate her. Other times I feel sorry for her. The feeling of betrayal is unbearable. Feels like I am grieving. I feel bad for my kids because it has taken my attention away from them. Do I want it to work out? I do. I know that it will effect me for the rest of my life. My advice is to not lie about anything that he wants to know. My wife has told me " you dont need to know that" That should be my call about what I want to hear. Just tell me the truth and let me put things together. My wifes 3 friends knew about her affair and now are her support team. Funny how they feel sorry for her. She made me the bad guy while the affair took place. My support team? No one. Why? because everyone that knows the 2 of us, other than her friends that knew about the affair would hate her. I don't want that to happen so it has to be my secret to bear. What a roller coaster of emotions. I have exploded numerous time since knowing. Her answer "you are never going to get over it" Not what I want to hear. If my wife knew what it felt to be betrayed after 18 years, she would know that I am doing "pretty good". Commit to your husband 100% about everything and anything that he wants to know. I wish my wife would.

 

You need to divorce her. From what you wrote she's unremorseful. Saying you would never get over it? Drop her.

[seren]

People stay after being a BS because the good times outweigh the bad and because they still love. Some stay because they haven't yet processed how they feel about the WS and the A and some stay because of financial reasons, children, whatever. It does not make them less of anything, nor should it imply they do not deserve respect.

 

My H cheated, I respect him, I don't respect his choices, but the man he is, absolutely. It took time to unpick the why's and it took time to work through the raw, blistering hurt to attempt to reconcile. Some people's marriages were broken before the A and may never be fixed, but for those who stay to try to reconcile, it is never, ever easy.

 

An A absolutely shatters self esteem, but given time, hard work from both in the marriage, it can be restored and restored succesfully. The A resulted in me and my H creating new boundaries and looking at the circumstances that were happening in our marriage before the A. Our marriage is stronger, despite the A, not because of it, but certainly, the realisation that we almost lost US pulled us up and we looked at all that was good and bad and quite frankly, I am a very happy XBS.

 

If you don't love someone, then an A is not going to suddenly result in you loving them, if a marriage was broken so badly before the A, it is unlikely it can be reconciled afterwards. Reconciliation is dammed hard as is leaving, but both are deserving of respect, if not from others, then at least we can respect our own choices.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey

 

My wife confessed in July after having a 10 month affair. I knew she was having it. She had all the signs and tried her best to hide it at the same time she put me down everytime I brought it up. She confessed. Told me a lot about her affair. Some things made sense some still dont. I had the affair time line in my head for her entire affair and wanted those pieces of the puzzle put together. I was right on her tail but never took the steps to catch her in the act.

It is 6 months and I will tell you that this is the absolute hardest thing that I have had to deal with. It is taking all my strength to try and work this out. Sometimes I look at her and I hate her. Other times I feel sorry for her. The feeling of betrayal is unbearable. Feels like I am grieving. I feel bad for my kids because it has taken my attention away from them. Do I want it to work out? I do. I know that it will effect me for the rest of my life. My advice is to not lie about anything that he wants to know. My wife has told me " you dont need to know that" That should be my call about what I want to hear. Just tell me the truth and let me put things together. My wifes 3 friends knew about her affair and now are her support team. Funny how they feel sorry for her. She made me the bad guy while the affair took place. My support team? No one. Why? because everyone that knows the 2 of us, other than her friends that knew about the affair would hate her. I don't want that to happen so it has to be my secret to bear. What a roller coaster of emotions. I have exploded numerous time since knowing. Her answer "you are never going to get over it" Not what I want to hear. If my wife knew what it felt to be betrayed after 18 years, she would know that I am doing "pretty good". Commit to your husband 100% about everything and anything that he wants to know. I wish my wife would.

 

Oh trust me, I am 100% honest with him. The problem is he really doesn't ask many questions. He has never wanted to know details of the affair. Maybe one day he'll ask more questions if he feels like it. He doesn't like when I volunteer info that he hasn't asked, so I don't do that. I'm so sorry that you have been betrayed. I can feel the pain in your post. I'm sorry your wife says "you are never going to get over it." At this point, even if my H never got over it, I'd still stay married to him and be good to him as long as he'll have me. I lost my right to expect anything emotionally from him.

[JaneyAmazed]

People stay after being a BS because the good times outweigh the bad and because they still love. Some stay because they haven't yet processed how they feel about the WS and the A and some stay because of financial reasons, children, whatever. It does not make them less of anything, nor should it imply they do not deserve respect.

 

My H cheated, I respect him, I don't respect his choices, but the man he is, absolutely. It took time to unpick the why's and it took time to work through the raw, blistering hurt to attempt to reconcile. Some people's marriages were broken before the A and may never be fixed, but for those who stay to try to reconcile, it is never, ever easy.

 

An A absolutely shatters self esteem, but given time, hard work from both in the marriage, it can be restored and restored succesfully. The A resulted in me and my H creating new boundaries and looking at the circumstances that were happening in our marriage before the A. Our marriage is stronger, despite the A, not because of it, but certainly, the realisation that we almost lost US pulled us up and we looked at all that was good and bad and quite frankly, I am a very happy XBS.

 

If you don't love someone, then an A is not going to suddenly result in you loving them, if a marriage was broken so badly before the A, it is unlikely it can be reconciled afterwards. Reconciliation is dammed hard as is leaving, but both are deserving of respect, if not from others, then at least we can respect our own choices.

 

 

Wonderfully said. You have my respect.

[giantfan]

"I don't understand your mindset. She cheated and you should have dumped her immediately. What type of man forgives a cheating woman? She has no respect for you and considering you are staying with her after she betrayed you and made you look like the villain why should she have respect for you? You have no respect for yourself. "

 

I can't believe that I didn't do exactly this. I always thought that I would dump my wife if she cheated. Being with my 3 kids everyday~thats what has kept me from divorcing her. That being said I owe it to my kids, and myself to atleast try to work things out. I hate what she did. As everyone else has said the images of them, all the lies, for her to take the other mans side and both of them plot against ME, well that is unbearable.

[fooled once]

I don't understand your mindset. She cheated and you should have dumped her immediately. What type of man forgives a cheating woman? She has no respect for you and considering you are staying with her after she betrayed you and made you look like the villain why should she have respect for you? You have no respect for yourself.

 

Maybe that is how YOU would have handled it; but not everyone reacts the same way.

 

I think it takes a lot of strength and forgiveness to stay with someone who has hurt you deeply; and maybe giantman saw how remorseful his wife was and chose to give her another chance.

 

It is EASY to divorce; it is harder to work through tough issues. But many times, in doing so, a couple can become closer and realize that their marriage needed work.

 

So please don't throw stones at someone for choosing to handle their life different than you would have. Instead of tearing him down, how about being supportive and providing some advice for him going forward? It isn't up to you do judge how HIS marriage should be.

[What_Next]

First, curiousaboutthings, have you been cheated on? Are you married? Do you have children? I'd need answers to all three of these questions before your post serves any relevance whatsoever. Until then I'll ignore it.

 

Giantfan, it sounds to me like your wife is not truely remorseful for what she has done. My wife cheated on me after 6 years and having been together for most of our adult lives. How I wish she had confessed, but in the end that would have made little difference. She has been the polar opposite of your wife. She has done everything I have asked and then some. For the record if she EVER (and I mean EVER) utters the phrase "just get over it" or anything similiar then I walk away, period. I urge you to start your own thread and to tell your story. Those of us on this board that are BS can help support you. Don't bare this on your own, you DO NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!

 

Janey, you can call it or term it whatever you want. Your husband has "forgiven" only in the sense that he didn't throw you out. Not a great deal different than I did. He has forgiven enough to begin to work on your marriage. Make no mistake he has not forgotten and he is being torn apart inside. I know you are aware of this, but be clear. He might say he has "forgave you" but that statement alone has only limited weight.

[fltc]

Giantfan, <big snip> I urge you to start your own thread and to tell your story. Those of us on this board that are BS can help support you. Don't bare this on your own, you DO NOT DESERVE THAT!!!!

 

I agree with What_Next, please start your own thread, you're lost in this one.

 

PS, I think he means don't *bear* this on your own but I could be mistaken?

 

Please start your own thread, you can just cut and paste your first post here in this thread if you want to save typing.

[JaneyAmazed]

No, no and no. Doesn't change anything. People(and especially men) who forgive cheating have problems. Women do not respect the guys who forgive them and they are right for doing so.

 

Not in my case. Sorry.

[JaneyAmazed]

No it is actually easier to stay for people who tewnd to forgive. They are usually wimps and do not want to start over. They are too afraid of finding somebody else.

 

How old are you? A Wimp? Too afraid of finding somebody else? Don't think that was H's first concern. Wow...

 

A wimp doesn't go through what my H has and continue be a wonderful husband to me and father to his kids. He is stronger than most men I've known.

[30Years]

A person who can accept the frailties of human nature and forgive cheating is a person with healthy self-esteem.

[giantfan]

A person who can accept the frailties of human nature and forgive cheating is a person with healthy self-esteem.

 

 

Really? Then why do I after 6 months of the exposed affair feel like I have absolutely no self esteem.

[JaneyAmazed]

Really? Then why do I after 6 months of the exposed affair feel like I have absolutely no self esteem.

 

I think everyone is different. Nobody can tell you how to feel right now. I feel so bad when I read your posts. My heart does break for you. I guess I imagine my H feeling the same way. I hope I can prove to him over time that I do appreciate him and that I took him for granted, and it wasn't his fault.

[JaneyAmazed]

I don't see what you being unfaithful to him has to do with him being a good father.

 

And being a good husband to a cheating wife and forgiving her is only considered strong if you measure strength by how much **** the man takes from a woman. Blind devotion is not a strength, it is a weakness.

 

Cheating is a dealbreaker for most men and women but especially men. How many people respect a willing cuckold? Zero.

 

Another predictable post. Glad you know my H and me so well. You got us all figured out.

[Distant78]

I don't see what you being unfaithful to him has to do with him being a good father.

 

And being a good husband to a cheating wife and forgiving her is only considered strong if you measure strength by how much **** the man takes from a woman. Blind devotion is not a strength, it is a weakness.

 

Cheating is a dealbreaker for most men and women but especially men. How many people respect a willing cuckold? Zero.

 

Good post. No way can he forgive a four month affair in only a month. That's impossible. And no cheater is remorseful in that short amount of time either.

[30Years]

Really? Then why do I after 6 months of the exposed affair feel like I have absolutely no self esteem.

 

That's a very good question. Why do you?

 

You are the only one who can truly answer that question, but the most likely possibility is that you feel that the affair is a reflection on you. Is it? Are you so miserable to live with that you drove your SO to seek affection elsewhere?

 

Probably not. The greatest probability is that your SO was looking to bolster their own self-esteem, and therefore fell into the affair. That says nothing about you, and contrary to common beliefs, affairs do happen in happy marriages. "Approval and validation" is the social currency we all seek just as much as we seek money. And let's face it, if we have a million dollars, we still want more. That is simple human nature we all share.

 

An affair of this sort has nothing to do with love. Most of them don't, and people who cheat don't necessarily love their SO any less than they ever did. No person can honestly say, "I would never cheat." None. Under the right conditions, anyone will cheat.

 

So, I haven't answered your question. I can't. You have to sort that out. But I do know that many people can recognize that their SO is human, and we human's make mistakes, and for them, their SO has too much to offer to toss it all because of one human frailty. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

Regardless, an affair rarely says anything about the person being cheated on.

[What_Next]

curiousaboutthings with all due respect you have NO CLUE what you are talking about. You are talking in hypotheticals. Your age and complete lack of life experience are shining through. you call me a whimp because I had the courage to forgive and try and repair our marriage? My friend, your keyboard muscles don't serve you well. See the thing is I'd never post anything here I'd be unwilling to say to someone in the flesh. Can you do the same? If so then insult me to my face and we'll see how that works out for you. You can PM me and we can discuss this further, because I have ZERO issue with conflict. I will now use the fantastic feature of this board and ignore your posts they are of no value.

 

giantfan, having your SO cheat does destroy your self esteem there's little doubt of that. I think that recovery also has a lot to do with the reaction and actions of the WS. I once again urge you to start your own thread.

[What_Next]

I would never stay with someone who cheated, but if I did, she'd have to do all the things Janey is doing.

 

I would have said the same about staying with someone who cheated, but reality and fantasy are 2 different things.

 

Also I 100% agree with you moloko, she is NOW doing just that. I don't feel she was when she first arrived here, but she is now. My wife is doing exactly the same, she is going above and beyond any expectations I have. She knows what she did, and she is intent on proving to me each and every day how much she loves me. I dispise what she has done (also what I have done), but I am thankful for each day I have with her now.

[What_Next]

Moloko I can understand where you are coming from, I most definitely do. However in practice having one spouse in a position of power or dominance is ultimately hurtful in the long run. I treat my wife with respect and I try and show her everyday the things that I did not show her in our marriage. That's not to say I feel obligated to, I WANT to.

 

Janey, I have a question for you, if your AP contacted you today, what would you do?