JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I would have said the same about staying with someone who cheated, but reality and fantasy are 2 different things. Also I 100% agree with you moloko, she is NOW doing just that. I don't feel she was when she first arrived here, but she is now. My wife is doing exactly the same, she is going above and beyond any expectations I have. She knows what she did, and she is intent on proving to me each and every day how much she loves me. I dispise what she has done (also what I have done), but I am thankful for each day I have with her now. That's probably true, but it did take me a while to wrap my brain around the fact he was giving me a second chance. I've changed so much in the last month. I can't believe today is exactly one month from my confession. I'm proud of myself for staying away from xOM. I used to think I'd never be that strong, but what makes me strong is the love and respect I have for my H now. I put my emotions on the backburner to do what is right, every hour of every day. The awesome thing is the feelings for my H are stronger than ever. I really do love him so much. Btw, I appreciate your posts over the last month. You have helped me a lot. You show a lot of maturity and I respect your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 CAT trust me, I understand your stance on staying with a cheating spouse. as far as being a cuckold, that would only apply if he stayed with Janey, and she was either still cheating, or wasn't doing her part on making it up to him because she would still be stuck on the other man. from what I gather, she would suck her H's toes clean if he asked. she is one of the rare cheaters that actually is doing what a cheating spouse should, busting her ass to make it up to him and basically doing absolutely nothing that would make him feel uncomfortable. she doesn't have the entitlement attitude that 99% of the cheaters out there have. She isn't expecting her H to sit idle by while she is getting over her OM. She is expecting herself to cater to her H's needs to make things right. I would never stay with someone who cheated, but if I did, she'd have to do all the things Janey is doing. Moloko, you've been tough on me but I needed it. Thank you for this post. Thank you for your help over the last month. I'm sorry at times I got defensive. I'm learning to humble myself and yes, I don't mind ass kissing my H until I don't need to anymore. He doesn't think I need to now, but I'm being extra sensitive to his needs. I will do what it takes to keep my marriage. Now that I've been out of the affair for a month, I have so much regret but I also appreciate my family so much. I'm so relieved to not go through the agnony I went through during the A. I knew I was betraying my H and it was very hard to live with myself. I hated myself. Now, I can move forward knowing I'm not betraying him anymore and I can look in the mirror and be content with who I am. I never have to be who I was again. I never have to hurt my H again. Being given a second chance is not something I ever felt entitled to. You just can't imagine how much I appreciate my H's mercy. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Moloko I can understand where you are coming from, I most definitely do. However in practice having one spouse in a position of power or dominance is ultimately hurtful in the long run. I treat my wife with respect and I try and show her everyday the things that I did not show her in our marriage. That's not to say I feel obligated to, I WANT to. Janey, I have a question for you, if your AP contacted you today, what would you do? I've thought about that, and I would have to tell my H. My H told me to let me know because he told AP NOT to ever contact me again. I've decided to be completely honest. AP is not a part of my life anymore. I don't wish him any harm and I do care about him and miss him sometimes, but I have no place for him anymore. I've said this before, but even if I were single, I see clearer now than during the affair, that he is not the kind of man I'd want to be with longterm. His mentality is it's "ok to love more than one person at a time." Oh yes, he said that! That's why he won't move back home to be with his wife and kids because he thinks he will cheat again. So, as you can see, I'm glad to have moved on away from him - whether or not my H stayed with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Because one needs to be 40 and cheated on multiple times to figure out that staying with a cheating spouse is a bad idea. Considering I know many guys who have been in that situation and stayed only to regret it maybe I am one of lucky ones who figured it out early. Experience is not everything and some people never learn from their mistakes. This is true in all aspects of life. There will be people who are better at you in a certain field right after graduating from college and others will never catch up. Sometimes you either get it or you don't. Wow an internet warrior is calling somebody else immature. Funny. That's interesting, because I know men that have been in that situation and did not live to regret it. One of them is my uncle. His wife had an affair 25 years ago. Since then, they've been close and are a happy couple. Another man is neighbor I had a few years back. They are also more happy than they were before the affair. There are people who regret it and then there are those who don't regret it. It depends on how faithful the WS stays. Not all WS will cheat again. That's a fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I don't wish him any harm and I do care about him and miss him sometimes. So you still care and miss the man who helped destroy your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Janey, that is a VERY good answer, well thought out and well put. That is precisely what I would expect my wife to say. Yes I do agree that you have changed over the past month. I do also believe that some of us on here have helped you through that process. I for one feel good about it. Nevermind posters like curiousaboutthings, he insists on becoming involved conversations that he cannot fathom, once he gets out there and matures a little perhaps he'll have something to add, until then the ignore user function will do you wonders, that way the chaff can get all the attention it deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 The number of men who do not regret it is quite tiny compared to the ones who do. Also let's be honest. A lot of men stay because they know the divorce court will give all of their money and the house to the woman and will deny him shared custody of the kids. Sure not all of those men/women will cheat again. But for most people cheating one time is too many not to mention that many and more often than not they will cheat again. And if they ain't cheatin they still spend their time pining for their former OM or some other dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Yes maybe one day I will learn that forgiving a cheating woman is a sign of strength and then I can come on this forum and brag about how manly I am that I forgave the woman who decided to cuckold me. Then i can critize the men who have too much respect for themselves to forgive such a woman and insult them and say maybe one day they will learn. Why are you still reading my posts then and insulting me if my opinion doesn't matter? How dumb are you? Don't let it get to you. Some posters think that opinions other than reconciling with a cheating spouse are irrelevant, and that their view holds King over everyone else's. Too many men on this board are so quick to forgive their cheating partner and need to realize their cheater doesn't care about them. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 And if they ain't cheatin they still spend their time pining for their former OM or some other dude. Just because I care about him or think about him once in a while doesn't mean I'm pining for him. I care about him the same way I'd care about anyone from my past. Don't you think about your xW sometimes without pining for her? Thinking and pining are separate things. Not that I have to explain that to you. You just once again try to figure me out unsuccessfully. I love my husband and no other man. He knows it. That's what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Don't let it get to you. Some posters think that opinions other than reconciling with a cheating spouse are irrelevant, and that their view holds King over everyone else's. Too many men on this board are so quick to forgive their cheating partner and need to realize their cheater doesn't care about them. Obviously so does yours. Btw, To say "their cheater doesn't care about them" is irrelevant because it's not true for me. Most of your posts are irrelevant in my situation because you believe a cheater will always cheat and will never care about her H. That's not me...therefore your ridiculous accusations are irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Just because I care about him or think about him once in a while doesn't mean I'm pining for him. I care about him the same way I'd care about anyone from my past. So you care about your OM that helped you destroy your marriage. How would you feel if your husband had an OW who he still cared about? That's so selfish. Don't you think about your xW sometimes without pining for her? Hell no. Thinking and pining are separate things. Not that I have to explain that to you. But you just did. You just once again try to figure me out unsuccessfully. Oh I have successfully. I love my husband and no other man. He knows it. That's what matters. Good. That's what should've stopped you from cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Obviously so does yours. Oh stop it. Btw, To say "their cheater doesn't care about them" is irrelevant because it's not true for me. No it's not irrelevant because if they cared then they wouldn't cheat. Most of your posts are irrelevant in my situation because you believe a cheater will always cheat and will never care about her H. My posts are never irrelevant. If that's so then say that to everyone else who holds my view. That's not me...therefore your ridiculous accusations are irrelevant. I wasn't accusing you. And some of my statements weren't pointed at you although they can be used interchangeably. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Oh stop it. No it's not irrelevant because if they cared then they wouldn't cheat. Ok...oh wise one. My posts are never irrelevant. If that's so then say that to everyone else who holds my view. They are irrelevant to me, but believe what you want. I wasn't accusing you. And some of my statements weren't pointed at you although they can be used interchangeably. Whatever you make yourself believe ...but you and I will never agree Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 So you care about your OM that helped you destroy your marriage. How would you feel if your husband had an OW who he still cared about? That's so selfish. I care about him in the sense that I wish him no harm. Other than that, I guess you didn't read the part about I don't want him in my life anymore, even if I were single. You conveniently ignore what's relevant. I'm used it now though. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 You just can't imagine how much I appreciate my H's mercy. Reading of how this guy is letting this slide so easily makes one wonder if he has something going on himself. ...perhaps had been sweating bullets and now is grateful for the "get out of jail free" card. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Whatever you make yourself believe ...but you and I will never agree Whatever I know is true. But yea same to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 So you care about your OM that helped you destroy your marriage. How would you feel if your husband had an OW who he still cared about? That's so selfish. I care about him in the sense that I wish him no harm. Other than that, I guess you didn't read the part about I don't want him in my life anymore, even if I were single. You conveniently ignore what's relevant. I'm used it now though. No I don't ignore what's relevant. I point out what is relevant. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Reading of how this guy is letting this slide so easily makes one wonder if he has something going on himself. ...perhaps had been sweating bullets and now is grateful for the "get out of jail free" card. He hasn't let anything slide. What are you talking about? If you saw the way be broke down in tears over and over again the few days following the confession, you would know he is not "grateful to get out of jail free." There are a lot of things I don't post on LS that go in our day to day lives. I can assure you he has NOT let this slide. I know it's hard to believe that he is willing to work on our marriage, but that's his choice. He still may decide he can't do it. I try to prepare for whatever may happen. It's too soon to know what he can deal with in the long run. I'm just thankful for each day I do have with him. Link to post Share on other sites
giantfan Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Janey I really don't think most people can predict how they would react to a spouse having an affair. I have really surprised myself. Get out of jail free? I don't think so. In my case I have never ever cheated. All I am guilty of doing is provided for my family. Do I work alot? Yes I have to so I can provide for my family. Did I appreciate my wife? I always made sure when I worked late to bring something special home. I recognized that her job to take care of the kids was as important as mine. Do I think that we can get over her Affair? Its as hard as it gets. I dont want to look at the long run. It needs to be day by day for now. One minute I know that we can survive, the next I hate what she did especially when I see my kids Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 No I don't ignore what's relevant. I point out what is relevant. Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. I know better. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 H and I talked last night. He's so funny because he says he thought forgiveness and trust go hand in hand. I said no way! I told him there is no way he could trust me now and I don't expect him to. He's just now admitting that he has trouble trusting me. I'm relieved in a way because THIS is normal. It would not be normal for him to trust me after lying to him for four months. I told him that my words won't mean much now I know, but my actions will. I told him I will prove to him I can be trustworthy one day. I am seeing changes in him, but I think they are healthy changes. He's not worrying so much about if I'm going to leave him or not. I still think he keeps a lot bottled up inside but I just keep praying that he'll be able to work through that with me when he's ready and in IC. Hopefully in MC too. The reason I know in my heart that my H can trust me now is that I have come so far, and there is no way I'd go back to the way I was. I may not be happy everyday, but I'm not miserable like I was. I am at peace with myself. I'm not the kind of person that can live with a secret like that and betray someone I love without it killing my spirit. I would never want to go back to that fear I lived with everyday. Most importantly, I really don't want to betray my H anymore. After realizing that I almost lost him, I appreciate and love him that much more. I look forward to spending time with him. I get excited when he calls me or sends me a text. During the affair, I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel that way again. God is so good. My husband is so good. The work I've put into fighting for my marriage has already paid off, and I'm going to keep fighting as long as my H will let me. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better. I know better. You keep telling yourself hurting your husband was worth staying. I know better. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 I like your recovery story... A problem that I had for years was not trusting other men. Even after we split and I was a bachelor, for years I only saw the ugliness. (All men are thieves and all woman are sluts). I lived like that for years and it was awful. I did trust my returned gal... sadly I was a wreck so it didn't work out. Kudos to her for giving it three mighty tries (now wish I could have been stronger). Only after decades of living a life can I now see the carnality and frailties of man that can make us weak. So end result, I have leadership abilities that enable me to deal with folks that are going through hell, for I have been there, done that. What I am saying here... now a slowly healing wound, then a badly healed scar, perhaps someday a hard callus, and you can pray for the miracle of a softening callus. Look for the pain coming out, if you sense that, lay aside whatever you are doing and give reassurance. Sounds like you already got that part down. I think you might know too, you are going to have to cut more slack on all mistakes he may make... scrapes the car whatever... be careful on questioning the manhood at all. Do keep your family safe and warm Janey. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted February 12, 2011 Share Posted February 12, 2011 He hasn't let anything slide. What are you talking about? Ya got me! Sorry, didn't read the whole thread so didn't know what I was talking about! I am well thread read now. Great defense of the jerks that are trying to get at you. Using simple common sense to swat them down like irritating gnats. Fairly entertaining that. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Ya got me! Sorry, didn't read the whole thread so didn't know what I was talking about! I am well thread read now. Great defense of the jerks that are trying to get at you. Using simple common sense to swat them down like irritating gnats. Fairly entertaining that. Well, I just think they have been hurt so bad by a WS that they can't see my situation as being any different from theirs. They don't believe a BS should stay with anyone who has cheated. They don't help me much so I probably won't respond much anymore to those posters. It really is like spitting in the wind. It is kind of silly to keep defending myself to people who don't have a clue. Link to post Share on other sites
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