Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[moloko]

Thank you. Even if I could just put up and shut up if he had a revenge affair, it would still do so much damage to our relationship. Revenge is never the answer.

 

i agree, its never the answer.

 

but what you are saying is that if he had a revenge affair it would do too much damage, and that your cheating didn't do as much.

 

in other words he has an affair, marriage would be too damaged.

you have an affair, not so much so.

 

reading through your posts, I felt you are truly remorseful and would do anything to get back in his good graces.

 

but its obvious that the same courtesy wouldn't be extended to him if he had, and pardon the expression used by so many here, "made a mistake".

 

so I will now, after reading the double standards, will have to agree with what you said that you do not deserve him. and not because you cheated, but because of your double standard.

[anne1707]

What Next - I know you have not specifically said "shut up..." or may even think that. I was not aiming my comments at any specific poster but rather how some may take the idea of Janey's H having an affair

 

GT - Wuggle and I are now arguing whether we want to be described as "unreconstructed bolsheviks" - such is the joy of married life

[JaneyAmazed]

i agree, its never the answer.

 

but what you are saying is that if he had a revenge affair it would do too much damage, and that your cheating didn't do as much.

 

What? I know my cheating did a lot of damage. Him cheating would just add to it.

 

in other words he has an affair, marriage would be too damaged.

you have an affair, not so much so.

 

That's not what I said. I'm saying 2 affairs imho would be more damaging that one. But hey, what do I know? Actually, I my point was I don't know what I'd do. I never say never.

 

reading through your posts, I felt you are truly remorseful and would do anything to get back in his good graces.

 

but its obvious that the same courtesy wouldn't be extended to him if he had, and pardon the expression used by so many here, "made a mistake".

 

He would be seeking revenge. There is a difference.

 

so I will now, after reading the double standards, will have to agree with what you said that you do not deserve him. and not because you cheated, but because of your double standard.

 

And that's your opinion. I just happen to believe that a revenge affair would set us back when we're trying to move foward. In this case, it wouldn't be considered a double standard. It would just add to the destruction of our marriage. Sorry, can't go along with your logic.

[JaneyAmazed]

translation: "if he did the same thing I did, I wouldn't want to stay married to him"

 

 

No, the translation is he wouldn't care enough about repairing the marriage if he has an affair.. So if he didn't care then I'd see no reason to stay married. Then again, if he had as much remorse as I do now, who knows what I'd do? I never say never, and I do love him.

[Distant78]

And that's your opinion. I just happen to believe that a revenge affair would set us back when we're trying to move foward. In this case, it wouldn't be considered a double standard. It would just add to the destruction of our marriage. Sorry, can't go along with your logic.

 

So are you saying that you will not work on the marriage with him if he cheated too?

[JaneyAmazed]

I think I've said all I can about revenge affairs. If it happens, it happens and I'll deal with it the best way I can. Moving on now to another scenario...

[Distant78]

No, the translation is he wouldn't care enough about repairing the marriage if he has an affair.. So if he didn't care then I'd see no reason to stay married. Then again, if he had as much remorse as I do now, who knows what I'd do? I never say never, and I do love him.

 

So like Moloko said, it is pretty much a double standard.

[JaneyAmazed]

I know I said I was done talking about revenge affairs, but I couldn't resist bringing it up to my H tonight. Even he agreed it isn't a double standard. He said just because I made a stupid choice doesn't make it okay for him to make a stupid choice. He's a smart man. By the way, he's been in horny husband mode lately and I'm taking full advantage. Whatever he wants...

[SoulStorm]

Janey,

Wasn't your affair in a sense revenge.

Revenge for the trouble you were having in your marriage.

Revenge maybe for feeling neglected or alone. Revenge for not feeling you were as sexy as you use to be to your husband. Even if he wasn't thinking that.

Revenge for not feeling that high of meeting someone new with your husband.

You speak strongly of him having a revenge affair..but you have already had your revenge.

No I do not condone a revenge affair..but I hate to see someone who is getting a second chance, fail to reciprocate the same selfless gesture.

 

Maybe not a double standard..but definitely a moral one.

[Distant78]

Janey,

Wasn't your affair in a sense revenge.

Revenge for the trouble you were having in your marriage.

Revenge maybe for feeling neglected or alone. Revenge for not feeling you were as sexy as you use to be to your husband. Even if he wasn't thinking that.

Revenge for not feeling that high of meeting someone new with your husband.

You speak strongly of him having a revenge affair..but you have already had your revenge.

No I do not condone a revenge affair..but I hate to see someone who is getting a second chance, fail to reciprocate the same selfless gesture.

 

Maybe not a double standard..but definitely a moral one.

 

You've touched on some very good points.

[What_Next]

Janey go look up hysterical bonding.

[East7]

By the way, he's been in horny husband mode lately and I'm taking full advantage. Whatever he wants...

Janey go look up hysterical bonding.

WN you spoke my thoughts out when I read it: hysterical bonding... definitely !

Edited January 26, 2011 by East7

[rowell2024]

www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

 

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

 

 

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey,

Wasn't your affair in a sense revenge.

Revenge for the trouble you were having in your marriage.

Revenge maybe for feeling neglected or alone. Revenge for not feeling you were as sexy as you use to be to your husband. Even if he wasn't thinking that.

Revenge for not feeling that high of meeting someone new with your husband.

You speak strongly of him having a revenge affair..but you have already had your revenge.

No I do not condone a revenge affair..but I hate to see someone who is getting a second chance, fail to reciprocate the same selfless gesture.

 

Maybe not a double standard..but definitely a moral one.

 

And you are not reading my posts accurately. The point is me getting revenge wasn't the right thing to do. So him getting a revenge isn't right either. Two wrongs do not make a right. How much clearer can I be on that? Revenge is not the answer. He knows that. How am I being selfish? I already said if he does have an revenge affair, I don't know what would happen. I didn't say I'd divorce him. I don't think yall are reading all of my posts! Remember I said, never say never. If me not liking him having a revenge affair is being selfish, then I guess that's your opinion. I just want to repair our marriage. I don't see how a revenge affair would help repair it.

[JaneyAmazed]

www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

 

Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

 

 

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

 

Thank you! It is helping us bond like never before and it's helping me think of OM less and less. At first I thought it was weird. I thought he wouldn't even want to touch me. Now it's like it was when we were dating. We can't keep our hands off each other. By the way, it's not like we do it all the time. But in years past, he only wanted to twice a month so anything's an improvement from that!

[SoulStorm]

And you are not reading my posts accurately. The point is me getting revenge wasn't the right thing to do. So him getting a revenge isn't right either. Two wrongs do not make a right. How much clearer can I be on that? Revenge is not the answer. He knows that. How am I being selfish? I already said if he does have an revenge affair, I don't know what would happen. I didn't say I'd divorce him. I don't think yall are reading all of my posts! Remember I said, never say never. If me not liking him having a revenge affair is being selfish, then I guess that's your opinion. I just want to repair our marriage. I don't see how a revenge affair would help repair it.

 

This is what you said to Billy Boy if your husband did "get a little" out of revenge

Well, considering all we've been through, I think our marriage would be doomed if he did that.

 

 

Define doomed.

 

I am not saying that you should like him having a revenge affair. Now you are not reading my post.

What I am saying is you feel that your marriage would be doomed.

That states done or finished or beyond repair.

It says you are not willing to give him the chance he gave you.

Only now do you state that you would not divorce him. That is a far cry from doomed.

[moloko]

What? I know my cheating did a lot of damage. Him cheating would just add to it.

 

so it now boils down to, who does it first?

 

That's not what I said. I'm saying 2 affairs imho would be more damaging that one. But hey, what do I know? Actually, I my point was I don't know what I'd do. I never say never.

 

but this doesn't leave any room for him to have a "mistake". since you cheated first, there is now no room for him to F up.

 

I'm not saying he is entitled to do this, but just that it seems typical that the one that cheated first will only see the marriage as unfixable as long as their spouse doesn't as well in the future.

 

 

reading through your posts, I felt you are truly remorseful and would do anything to get back in his good graces.

 

but its obvious that the same courtesy wouldn't be extended to him if he had, and pardon the expression used by so many here, "made a mistake".

[quote

He would be seeking revenge. There is a difference.

 

what if it wasn't? What if in his struggle to truly forgive he found himself under the same circumstances as you? what then?

 

 

so I will now, after reading the double standards, will have to agree with what you said that you do not deserve him. and not because you cheated, but because of your double standard.

 

And that's your opinion. I just happen to believe that a revenge affair would set us back when we're trying to move foward. In this case, it wouldn't be considered a double standard. It would just add to the destruction of our marriage. Sorry, can't go along with your logic.

 

who says it has to be about revenge? what if he is feeling inadequate? what if he is having a hard time connecting with the women that betrayed him? What if he found himself in a short affair because of the same "reasons" you did? What if it wasn't premeditated and he didn't do it out of revenge?

 

then what?

[moloko]

No, the translation is he wouldn't care enough about repairing the marriage if he has an affair.

 

by using that logic, then you having an affair would say that you didn't care enough about him to keep from damaging the marriage in the first place.

 

sorry, you don't get to cheat and apply characteristics to him if he was in the same situation that you wouldn't apply to yourself.

[moloko]

I know I said I was done talking about revenge affairs, but I couldn't resist bringing it up to my H tonight. Even he agreed it isn't a double standard. He said just because I made a stupid choice doesn't make it okay for him to make a stupid choice.

 

that isn't why it would be a double standard. it would be a double standard because you get to cheat and think the marriage is fixable, but not if he does it.

 

has nothing to do with the fact that it wouldn't be right for him to make a stupid choice.

[moloko]

And you are not reading my posts accurately. The point is me getting revenge wasn't the right thing to do. So him getting a revenge isn't right either.

 

you are exactly right.

 

but when you do it, marriage is fixable.

 

if he were to do it, you wouldn't want to stay married to him.

[JaneyAmazed]

you are exactly right.

 

but when you do it, marriage is fixable.

 

We still don't know that. He could change his mind and decide to leave me. Like I said, we are trying to repair the marriage. We may not succeed in that. I hope we do.

 

if he were to do it, you wouldn't want to stay married to him.

 

 

Wrong. I said I don't know what I'd do. You really aren't understanding what I've been saying. I still believe the marriage would be doomed - not because I don't think he should be able to do what I did and get a second chance - but because I think it might just be too much for either one of us work through as much as I'd want to work through it. One affair is bad enough to deal with. I just think two affairs would be even harder, maybe impossible - but not because I would want it that way. No matter what, I'd want our marriage to survive. I just think that realistically it probably wouldn't if he had a revenge affair. Realistically, it might not work out if he doesn't have a revenge affair. Just because he's giving me a second chance doesn't mean he won't decide it's too much for him to deal with one day.

Basically, what I am saying is I would hope to have mercy on him if he found himself in a situation like I was in, but how do we really know what we can handle until it happens? If our marriage is going the way it should, he should have no reason to have an affair. If our marriage had been going the way it should last year, I wouldn't have had an affair. We were living separate lives, I missed him, and I told him I was tempted to cheat but he blew it off like it didn't mean anything. He thought I was just going through a phase. Neither one of us made the changes we should have to strengthen our marriage and our bond. We're taking those steps now. If after we've worked hard to make our marriage stronger, he decides to have an affair, I really don't know how I'd handle it. I wish I had a definite answer, but I don't.

Edited January 27, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[JaneyAmazed]

I just thought I'd add that I appreciate my H more than ever. I feel so bad for giving up on him or not caring enough to try to fix our marriage before I had an affair. No matter how bad our marriage was, it was wrong for me to do what I did. He did not deserve to be betrayed. I see why I had the affair, but it still doesn't justify it in anyway. I just wanted to make that clear. I see things more clearly now, and I have lots of regret.

[whichwayisup]

I just thought I'd add that I appreciate my H more than ever. I feel so bad for giving up on him or not caring enough to try to fix our marriage before I had an affair. No matter how bad our marriage was, it was wrong for me to do what I did. He did not deserve to be betrayed. I see why I had the affair, but it still doesn't justify it in anyway. I just wanted to make that clear. I see things more clearly now, and I have lots of regret.

 

Keep letting him know this and do what you can every day to show him how much you want to make the marriage better, how you're working on you. Actions as well as the words will help him trust you again. It'll take a long time, but don't give up. If two people want to save the marriage, work hard and ride out the rough times, it can be done.

 

You are out of the affair fog and thinking much more clearly, owning what you did, realizing that the affair was wrong. It's a good start, keep going.

[moloko]

I just thought I'd add that I appreciate my H more than ever. I feel so bad for giving up on him or not caring enough to try to fix our marriage before I had an affair. No matter how bad our marriage was, it was wrong for me to do what I did. He did not deserve to be betrayed. I see why I had the affair, but it still doesn't justify it in anyway. I just wanted to make that clear. I see things more clearly now, and I have lots of regret.

 

thats all good and I believe you to be one of the rare cheaters that may be able to make good on your promises.(even though I still believe once one always one)

 

just remember, one of you now has a huge scar. the scar won't hurt or itch over time, but it will still be there as a reminder. keep that in mind if down the road, no matter how long, if he brings it up and throws it in your face. if you have given him something to remember for life, he may make sure you feel his pain.

[JaneyAmazed]

thats all good and I believe you to be one of the rare cheaters that may be able to make good on your promises.(even though I still believe once one always one)

 

 

I hope to prove you wrong on that one. I have a family member that cheated one time about 20 years ago and never did it again. His marriage survived and it's never talked about anymore. The wounds are long healed, but of course the scar will always be there. I definitely don't believe in once a cheater always a cheater. If I am so screwed up again in the future that I felt like I needed to cheat again, then I'd do my H a huge favor and end our marriage first.