Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[moloko]

thats all good and I believe you to be one of the rare cheaters that may be able to make good on your promises.(even though I still believe once one always one)

 

I hope to prove you wrong on that one.

 

well to me its like saying "I believe I'm going to win the lottery".

 

I'm not going to win the freakin' lottery, but there is a chance, but its one in a billion.

[2sure]

Janey -

 

Life is full of crisis and turning points. These are dramatic and traumatic but no one escapes them completely.

 

Crisis , turning points, drama, and trauma create change. Thats what they do. And dealing with them honestly and moving forward...takes you to a better place and makes you a better person.

 

Without change, people remain stagnant and redundant ...doomed to a life of repeating the same mistakes and not knowing why they arent happy.

 

Without a crisis, without a turning point...your marriage would have stayed the same..and something was not working for you.

You have begun to try to fix yourself, grow, save your marriage and improve your life.

 

Thats not unusual. The crisis or your actions are not something that defines you, but part of your evolution. Dont let anyone tell you change is hopeless.

[What_Next]

The crisis or your actions are not something that defines you, but part of your evolution. Dont let anyone tell you change is hopeless.

 

I can't agree with you there. Your actions are most definitely a large part of what defines a person. Janey appears to be truely remorseful, and realizes what she has done; as it the case with my wife. However, she (like my wife) DID cheat. It isn't the be all and end all in their lives but it is an action they took.

 

Cheating on your spouse is NOT part of an evolution from my perspective. It might have gotten to a point whereby it is almost expected and is socially acceptable, but to take wedding vows and then throw them out the window and stomp on them is not an "evolution".

 

Janey's situation is NOT unusual, but that doesn't change just how wrong it was. I can view it like an alcoholic (not speaking from personal experience, but I am very familiar with it) that the fact remains you ARE an alcoholic even when you are sober. She IS a cheater even though she might be reformed and may never cheat again. Her actions were her own and she must live with them, not rejoice in them as seems to be suggested by classifying them as part of some "evolution".

 

We have to agree to disagree on this point 2sunny because I don't see it the way you do.

[2sure]

Cheating is wrong, abusive , selfish and completely unnecessary in life. To me, thats a given. But people DO change and evolve. In this case, the cheating is something that has been done and the OP is trying to make repairs to her soul , herself, and her marriage. I simply point out that change is no less hopeful or possible for someone who has cheated than anyone else.

[Distant78]

Cheating is wrong, abusive , selfish and completely unnecessary in life. To me, thats a given. But people DO change and evolve. In this case, the cheating is something that has been done and the OP is trying to make repairs to her soul , herself, and her marriage. I simply point out that change is no less hopeful or possible for someone who has cheated than anyone else.

 

Yea people change, but it's not always for the better. Cheating is not needed to be better or to evolve.

[2sure]

Of course it isnt needed...who said that? Who would?

But remorsefulness and change are ...you know what? Forget it.

 

OK. Once a cheater always a cheater. No Forgiveness. Burn in hell. You will NEVER change so DO NOT even try. You are without HOPE as a human being.

[JaneyAmazed]

well to me its like saying "I believe I'm going to win the lottery".

 

I'm not going to win the freakin' lottery, but there is a chance, but its one in a billion.

 

Well, if that's what you believe, then if my H had a revenge affair, wouldn't he always be a cheater too? Or does that "once a cheater, always a cheater" only apply to the first one in the marriage who has the affair?

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey -

 

Life is full of crisis and turning points. These are dramatic and traumatic but no one escapes them completely.

 

Crisis , turning points, drama, and trauma create change. Thats what they do. And dealing with them honestly and moving forward...takes you to a better place and makes you a better person.

 

Without change, people remain stagnant and redundant ...doomed to a life of repeating the same mistakes and not knowing why they arent happy.

 

Without a crisis, without a turning point...your marriage would have stayed the same..and something was not working for you.

You have begun to try to fix yourself, grow, save your marriage and improve your life.

 

Thats not unusual. The crisis or your actions are not something that defines you, but part of your evolution. Dont let anyone tell you change is hopeless.

 

Thank you! I agree completely. I know what I did does not define me. If I felt that way, I would be honest with my H and tell him I am a cheater for life and we shouldn't stay married. I learned my lesseon. I'm moving forward now. My H is my biggest supporter. That's why I'm still Janey amazed!

[What_Next]

Moving forward is fantastic. Just don't be so quick to sweep what you've done under the rug and pretend it never happened. I'm not saying that you need to be scolded like a child, but rather to explore WHY you did what you did and to ensure it NEVER EVER happens again.

 

I mean no disrepect but from your posts I don't believe your H is actually dealing with it, I think he is bottling things up and that won't end well. I cannot remember but are you in IC or are you and your H in MC? I know from my own personal experience and my research of which I've done more than I care to recount that the process of recovery is a LONG one and it will take years before your husband is beyond it.

 

There is no magic wand to wave to say "poof" what you did is now forgotten.

 

2sure, perhaps tomorrow you'll wake up on the right side of the bed (kidding of course). Actually in my book, yes once a cheater always a cheater, but that doesn't mean you'll necessarily cheat again. Semantics though.

 

FWIW Janey I do admire your willingness to come here and update us. My wife initially came on LS and she was given the usual abuse by the members and she left the board. She had her own reasons for that, but I think if she could have hung in there she might have learned a little as I think you have from those of us on here that want to discuss these issues. Now of course some come in this area of the board to insult and to beat the same old drum, but you need to see past them to get a perspective. Well done.

[JaneyAmazed]

Of course it isnt needed...who said that? Who would?

But remorsefulness and change are ...you know what? Forget it.

 

OK. Once a cheater always a cheater. No Forgiveness. Burn in hell. You will NEVER change so DO NOT even try. You are without HOPE as a human being.

 

Obviously some of these guys really believe that! I'm glad I don't. I'm glad my husband doesn't. I'm just glad he believes in me.

[JaneyAmazed]

Moving forward is fantastic. Just don't be so quick to sweep what you've done under the rug and pretend it never happened. I'm not saying that you need to be scolded like a child, but rather to explore WHY you did what you did and to ensure it NEVER EVER happens again.

 

Trust me... I haven't done that at all! I don't post everything that's happening in my life right now.

 

I mean no disrepect but from your posts I don't believe your H is actually dealing with it, I think he is bottling things up and that won't end well. I cannot remember but are you in IC or are you and your H in MC? I know from my own personal experience and my research of which I've done more than I care to recount that the process of recovery is a LONG one and it will take years before your husband is beyond it.

 

He does this I know. He always has. I am aware of it. He is in IC and I am as well. We are starting MC soon.

 

There is no magic wand to wave to say "poof" what you did is now forgotten.

 

Please go back and read my posts so you will see that I never said all is forgotten. No "poof!" Sometimes I feel like some posters take what they think is "too good to be true" from my posts and turn that into what I believe about this whole mess. It's not! We have A LOT of work to do. We are both willing to work on our marriage and I know we have a long road in front of us. I am moving forward, not forgetting or sweeping under the rug

[What_Next]

Janey, I didn't mean to say that you are saying it is all forgotten. I am simply trying to give you my perspective as a BS. This is all still VERY fresh for me. Don't get defensive. Remember that I was one of the ones on her actually supporting you. Considering my wife cheated on me that's no small feat. Perhaps my time is best spent reading other threads.

[JaneyAmazed]

You see Janey, the thing is, many men are all about balance. It might be easier for some men (or women) to go forward if they are also guilty of a transgression. Why should you be the only one allowed forgiveness? That you would drop him if he cheated on you shows just how self centered you truly are. If I was one of your H's male friends I would definitly be pushing him towards cheating on you, and not only cheating on you, but with one of your friends.

 

Guilt is easier to live with then betrayal. Thats the facts. You will reap what you have sewn, and more then likely if he wants to cheat, you will never know, afterall, it will be all about him, whatever he wants right?

 

I just hope that if and when he does, you will extend the same courtesy of trying to work on an obviously failing marriage and accept the pain and betrayal as your just rewards for being a slut and spitting in your familys face.

 

If you cant though, it well... thats on you. It would make you a hypocrite.

 

You see, Billy Boy...You need to go back and read my later posts. I said no matter what I want my marriage to work...even if he has a revenge affair. You don't know my husband at all. He's a better man than you give him credit for. I'm a better woman than you give me credit for. Your post really doesn't make any sense. It's as if you haven't read a word I've typed. You are so wrong it almost made just ignore your post but I thought I'd at least defend my husband. His friends encourage him to pray and work on his marriage, not seek revenge. He'd never have a friend like you anyway. Thanks for taking the time to set a self-centered slut straight.

[JaneyAmazed]

Janey, I didn't mean to say that you are saying it is all forgotten. I am simply trying to give you my perspective as a BS. This is all still VERY fresh for me. Don't get defensive. Remember that I was one of the ones on her actually supporting you. Considering my wife cheated on me that's no small feat. Perhaps my time is best spent reading other threads.

 

I'm sorry if I sounded defensive, but I think you would too if someone told you you were sweeping something under the rug, when it's laying out in the middle of floor and I trip over everyday! Emotions are running high and I'm sorry if I sounded too defensive with you. Please forgive me for that.

[Billy_Boy]

You see, Billy Boy...You need to go back and read my later posts. I said no matter what I want my marriage to work...even if he has a revenge affair. You don't know my husband at all. He's a better man than you give him credit for. I'm a better woman than you give me credit for. Your post really doesn't make any sense. It's as if you haven't read a word I've typed. You are so wrong it almost made just ignore your post but I thought I'd at least defend my husband. His friends encourage him to pray and work on his marriage, not seek revenge. He'd never have a friend like you anyway. Thanks for taking the time to set a self-centered slut straight.

 

Sounds like he has crappy friends, but then, I am more the type of friend who would be loyal to him, not you as a couple. Thats the way I roll. I only surround myself with friends that tell me what they truly think, not friends who tell me what they think I want to hear. And between you and me, you dont know what his friends are telling him truly. What he says they say and what they say in the gym locker room are different things.

 

I have no doubt your H is a good man, far better then you deserve, but he is still a man, and still human... dont be surprised if his flaws get the best of him once and a while. As I said, its easier to live with guilt then it is to live with betrayal, something you obviously are enjoying now.

[East7]

If I'm not wrong (this thread is really long) Janey said her H has already cheated on her a couple of years ago.

Janey sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster.

[Billy_Boy]

If I'm not wrong (this thread is really long) Janey said her H has already cheated on her a couple of years ago.

Janey sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster.

 

Is that so? Can you link me? If thats true, I am off base.

[anne1707]

If I'm not wrong (this thread is really long) Janey said her H has already cheated on her a couple of years ago.

Janey sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster.

 

Not sure but you might be thinking of me. My affair ended 2.5 years ago but my H did have a brief affair a few years before that. Contrary to what Billy Boy may think, mine was not a revenge affair and even if it was, it was not justified. However I am happy to say my H found the strength to forgive me just as it looks af if Janey's H might well be on the path to forgiving her. In fact her husband's reactions are very similar to his.

[moloko]

Well, if that's what you believe, then if my H had a revenge affair, wouldn't he always be a cheater too? Or does that "once a cheater, always a cheater" only apply to the first one in the marriage who has the affair?

 

nah, it pretty much applies to ya all, but one in a billion does happen.

 

and when some of us say "once one, always one" it means that we believe the chances of someone never cheating again, or never even simply desiring to cheat, are slim.

 

sure there are exceptions, but I don't make exceptions a rule.

[moloko]

I just hope that if and when he does[cheats], you will extend the same courtesy

 

that was pretty much my point that hopefully she would give him the same chance he gave her.

[Fight4Me]

I don't mean to speak for Janey, but when she said she probably wouldn't be able to reconcile if her BH had a revenge affair, I took it to mean that she would consider it to be evidence that he wasn't able to forgive her afterall. If that's the case, it would be natural to assume the marriage is doomed.

 

But still, she recognized that she really doesn't know how she would react.

 

Janey, with that said, I do agree that you need to expect that your husband will eventually hit the anger/rage stage. He sounds a lot like me during the immediate aftermath of DDay. About six months later, I went through a period of terrible wrath and rage, and that just isn't me. We were receiving counseling from our church, but a circumstance triggered me hard and I couldn't (and didn't want to) control it. If/when that happens, the best thing you can do is take it, accept that your actions are the cause of his pain and fury. It WILL pass, but it truly is a test of your commitment to him.

 

I highly recommend sticking with the counseling even if you or he feels healed. Not forever, of course, but don't let your guard down.

 

My fWH and my motto is, "If our marriage can survive this, it can survive anything." And we've been through a lot... I mean A LOT... but they pale in comparison to this. Still, we are stronger and more of a team than all of the previous 20 years... a force to be reckoned with.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Janey,

 

I am a WS at a bit over a year since dday. For a long time my H didn't even know if he wanted to reconcile. We stayed together and talked through a lot of things, but it wasn't until after a few months that he actually said, "We're reconciling." It is a roller coaster. He did get angry, and still does. He became depressed, and still does sometimes. We didn't do MC, but we both are still doing IC, and I feel that our relationship is stronger than it was before. That's not to say everything is fixed...far from it. But as time goes by, it can get better, so good luck.

 

~B

[JaneyAmazed]

I don't mean to speak for Janey, but when she said she probably wouldn't be able to reconcile if her BH had a revenge affair, I took it to mean that she would consider it to be evidence that he wasn't able to forgive her afterall. If that's the case, it would be natural to assume the marriage is doomed.

 

But still, she recognized that she really doesn't know how she would react.

 

Janey, with that said, I do agree that you need to expect that your husband will eventually hit the anger/rage stage. He sounds a lot like me during the immediate aftermath of DDay. About six months later, I went through a period of terrible wrath and rage, and that just isn't me. We were receiving counseling from our church, but a circumstance triggered me hard and I couldn't (and didn't want to) control it. If/when that happens, the best thing you can do is take it, accept that your actions are the cause of his pain and fury. It WILL pass, but it truly is a test of your commitment to him.

 

I highly recommend sticking with the counseling even if you or he feels healed. Not forever, of course, but don't let your guard down.

 

My fWH and my motto is, "If our marriage can survive this, it can survive anything." And we've been through a lot... I mean A LOT... but they pale in comparison to this. Still, we are stronger and more of a team than all of the previous 20 years... a force to be reckoned with.

 

Thank you so much. I appreciate honest feedback and advice.

[whichwayisup]

Revenge affairs are meant to hurt and it's intentional. Most affairs are selfish based and not thinking at all. both are bad, but I would say to purposely set out to have an affair, with the intent to make the CS suffer isn't going to save or help the marriage in the long run.

 

J, did he say he was going to, or are you afraid he will have a RA?

[JaneyAmazed]

Is that so? Can you link me? If thats true, I am off base.

 

 

That's not true, but you've been off base on everything anyway...way off base. I don't take you seriously because you make up a bunch of stuff and apply it to my life as if it's fact. You are somewhat of a comic relief to my stressed out day.