Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[anne1707]

Janey

 

Apologies for the t/j that NLS is trying to make. He seems to have a problem with me - sad case .

 

As I have already posted. Reconciliation is possible but you have to show your husband with actions and not just words that you want the marriage and for all the right reasons. He is battered and bruised but in time things will get better for you both one way or another. Hopefully it will be together if that is what you both want.

[NoLongerSad]

Problem is for you - we do trust each other

 

This again is a perfect example of the sort of attitude that IMO OP really needs to try to overcome.

 

You think whether or not you are trusted by your partner is some sort of debating topic and that if you can only argue it loud enough and long enough, you "win."

 

No, the only thing that matters is whether or not you actually do trust each other. And if you don't, it's certainly not my problem

[Untouchable_Fire]

I do question now that what I had with OM was true love. True love is what I had with my husband. It's not just an emotion. All I care about now is my marriage and husband. I do agree that I will have to suffer consequences. This morning he said he wanted to keep the family together and would work on restoring the marriage but tonight it was a different story. Tonight he said he doesn't know me anymore. He said he misses me - the me he married who was faithful for 10 years. I miss him. I miss what we used to have. I hate what I did and regret it but for the sake of my children, I will endure what I have to. There is no way to undo this, but I do have hope for the future, with or without my H. I have no excuses and the pain is almost unbearable right now. I am disgusted with OM right now. I know he and I are both to blame, but I see him in a new light. I see a man that knew the troubles I was having, knew I was married with children, and didn't care. I'm not sure how I got to the point that I got to but my only relief in all this is I'm not lying anymore. As ugly as the truth is, it's better than lying and deceit. I put my trust in God now. I didn't before. I know that everything happens for a reason and I just have to get through this night and be the best mom I possibly can. One thing I can truely say is the worst pain I have right now is seeing what I did to my husband and how he is hurting. My own loss is nothing compared to seeing what I did to him.

 

Usually I'm pretty harsh, but I just want to say that I hope he can forgive you and make this work.

 

It took incredible strength to be honest with him, and your heart seems to be in the right place.

 

Sometimes good people make bad choices. It sucks, and it will hurt for a long time, but I wish you the best!

[fishlessbicycle]

I think the reason I liked a scumbag is because I hated myself. He was more on my level while I lived a lie. I know that I am better than who I was. I know I have a lot of work to do but I could have kept going and lying and deceiving and having my cake and eating it too, but my heart wouldn't let me do it anymore. I missed my husband and knew I'd never have a chance to rebuild what I had with him at one time if I didn't end the affair and confess it. I could never end it and not tell him because it would eat me away with guilt and I'd be no good to anyone. I was no good to anyone the last 4 months. My relationship with OM sucked the life out of my relationships with everyone else in my life. I wasn't sure how my H would react and I was not prepared for what has happened. At this point all I can do is be here and do what he wants me to do. I do have a question. If he says that he doesn't think he can work this out and that he's no good to me now, is it ok for me to say we can work it out and I willinging to do whatever it takes? When I told him he just gets upset again. He literally thinks I'm a different person, that the woman he married is dead. I don't know how to react to that or what to do. He can't stand to look at me and I wonder if I should ask him if I should stay with my parents for a while? I feel so lost and helpless right now. I can't sleep at all. I've been awake probably 43 hours of the last 48. My stomach is burning. My whole body aches with pain. He's going through the same and worse. He can't sleep and he hurts. It's the worst burden in the world to carry to know that I turned our world upside down. My husband's pain and my pain are the consequences of my betrayal. I'm not going to condemn myself anymore. I am going to do my best to make this marriage work and if it doesn't, I will do my best to live with integrity and hope.

 

Too bad your husband doesn't do that for you. If he doesn't think he can work this out then there's your answer. You said you could move out if you had to because your parents are wealthy, why don't you go ahead and do that, rather than reminding him every time he sees you that his wife has been getting her sausage elsewhere for the past 4 months.

[lkjh]

Men do the same thing too! It is not gender specific.

 

I have never once read a post by a man that said he felt lonely so he cheated and now wants to fight for his marriage. Its always the women that write say that. We are wired different

[Snowflower]

 

I have never once read a post by a man that said he felt lonely so he cheated and now wants to fight for his marriage. Its always the women that write say that. We are wired different

 

Men might not post that kind of thing, you're right.

 

But (there's always a but ), my H said exactly those things when we reconciled after his affair.

 

Just because it isn't posted here on LS, doesn't mean it's not true in some cases.

Edited January 11, 2011 by Snowflower

[Spark1111]

This again is a perfect example of the sort of attitude that IMO OP really needs to try to overcome.

 

You think whether or not you are trusted by your partner is some sort of debating topic and that if you can only argue it loud enough and long enough, you "win."

 

No, the only thing that matters is whether or not you actually do trust each other. And if you don't, it's certainly not my problem

 

EXACTLYYYYYYYYY! So what was the point of the last several, hair-splitting posts between you and Anne1707?????????????????

[Spark1111]

 

I have never once read a post by a man that said he felt lonely so he cheated and now wants to fight for his marriage. Its always the women that write say that. We are wired different

 

You never met my H! Lonely? Hmmmm, self-imposed. Depressed at the time? Yes! Loved the flattery, attention and "Oh, you are so wonderful" Definitely!

 

But he said those same exact words, too!

[Spark1111]

Men might not post that kind of thing, you're right.

 

But (there's always a but ), my H said exactly those things when we reconciled after his affair.

 

Just because it isn't posted here on LS, doesn't mean it's not true in some cases.

 

I agree! It was my sitch to a tee.

[Spark1111]

Janey

 

Apologies for the t/j that NLS is trying to make. He seems to have a problem with me - sad case .

 

As I have already posted. Reconciliation is possible but you have to show your husband with actions and not just words that you want the marriage and for all the right reasons. He is battered and bruised but in time things will get better for you both one way or another. Hopefully it will be together if that is what you both want.

 

Anne1707...you are a respected poster. You are one of the few happily reconciled fWSs who continue to post at LS,and I for one, always welcome your point of view!

 

I do not CARE what NLS's issues are with you. It is so off topic to be laughable. Bullying almost. AND UNRELATED TO THIS THREAD!

 

Please do not stop posting. Your words to the OP can only be a source of help and healing!

[bentnotbroken]

 

I have never once read a post by a man that said he felt lonely so he cheated and now wants to fight for his marriage. Its always the women that write say that. We are wired different

 

 

Mr. Messy listed lonely among his excuses. And he doesn't post here....I don't think:confused:

[NoLongerSad]

[/b]

 

EXACTLYYYYYYYYY! So what was the point of the last several, hair-splitting posts between you and Anne1707?????????????????

 

You are free to draw your own conclusions.

 

But maybe you can explain to me what anne meant when she said that her husband never wanted to monitor her emails, then said he has her emails, then said she never said that her husband did NOT want to monitor her emails?

 

It was a little confusing to me.

[NoLongerSad]

Anne1707...you are a respected poster. You are one of the few happily reconciled fWSs who continue to post at LS,and I for one, always welcome your point of view!

 

I do not CARE what NLS's issues are with you. It is so off topic to be laughable. Bullying almost. AND UNRELATED TO THIS THREAD!

 

Please do not stop posting. Your words to the OP can only be a source of help and healing!

 

 

That's absolutely unfair. I didn't "bully" anyone, yet your false characterization is itself, an attempt to bully me, rather than to look at the merits of what anne, a person who did admittedly cheat on her spouse for three years, posted.

 

What she posted was completely self-contradictory, and it's relevant because she's using herself as an example, in this thread, of a former cheater who is now supposedly a "trustworthy" person.

 

If she can't even tell us in a straightforward fashion whether or not her husband did or didn't monitor her emails, then why bring it up in the first place?

 

All it goes to show is that people who have long term affairs have a certain mode of thinking which is necessary to allow them to justify their conduct, yet still think of themselves as a "good" person. The fact that the affair itself may have ended, assuming that it did, does not change the way the person thinks about things.

[kuma]

4 months affair is not a one-night-stand, it is a conscious and free will action. So out of the fog you realized you love your H more?

Like most WS-MW, the guilt is overwhelming you so you confessed, you are scared of changing your life, you freak out of loosing your H, your security, and now you cling to him calling this love. If you truly loved him you would have tried to fix things and address your needs with him, not with with OM.

 

So true. NOW you realize you "love" your husband? The one you cheated on for 4 months? With a man that was so unworthy? You want your security and status. I will also venture a guess that OM isn't the marrying type? Maybe OM isn't keen on raising someone elses kids? Maybe you realized there will be no happily-ever-after with him? So NOW your husband is your perfect man....

 

She wouldn't have confessed her affair to her H if she only wanted her security and status. Now it's up to him to decide if the marriage is worth saving or not. Like she said, some people don't realize what they have until they lose it. Why can't you accept that she realized she still loves her H?

[Chi townD]

Well, first I applaud you for telling your husband. He had the right to know.

 

Now for the hard part. Your husband is still in shock, but climb on board because you are gonna be on one hellva roller coaster ride. He's emotions are gonna be all over the place. One minute he'll be fine and the next he'll be so angry he won't know what to do with himself. He'll be laughing one afternoon and then you might catch him crying sometime during the night. He might say sweet things to you and be vile the next moment. This is normal.

 

I STRONGLY suggest indivdual counseling, then marriage. However, the decisions of this relationship are no longer yours, they are his now. And he may feel that he's done or can't do it anymore. That is something you might have to live with.

[Spark1111]

That's absolutely unfair. I didn't "bully" anyone, yet your false characterization is itself, an attempt to bully me, rather than to look at the merits of what anne, a person who did admittedly cheat on her spouse for three years, posted.

 

What she posted was completely self-contradictory, and it's relevant because she's using herself as an example, in this thread, of a former cheater who is now supposedly a "trustworthy" person.

 

If she can't even tell us in a straightforward fashion whether or not her husband did or didn't monitor her emails, then why bring it up in the first place?

 

All it goes to show is that people who have long term affairs have a certain mode of thinking which is necessary to allow them to justify their conduct, yet still think of themselves as a "good" person. The fact that the affair itself may have ended, assuming that it did, does not change the way the person thinks about things.

 

NLS....this thread is not ABOUT Anne1707 or her advice to the OP which I thought was very, very, very encouraging to a woman who now seems desperate to reconcile with the spouse she cheated on.

 

Maybe initially her spouse needed verification that Anne was no longer in contact wither her OM, but no longer needs to verify or snoop, though he certainly could if he wanted to. Anne would not care. She has nothing to hide.

 

When trust has been restored, it is no longer necessary to do so. If, in the future a BS has an insecure day or moment, the fWS would do anything within their power reassure them that that they can be trusted.

 

Both I and my fWS have each other's email passwords and cell access codes. So what?

[Billy_Boy]

A very sad and unfortunate situation.

 

1. Be prepared for him to cheat in retaliation, nothing you can do about that but accept it and hope that it is enough to restore his wounded pride. Some men will do this in order to "lower" themselves to your level so that things can feel logical again, if he does, and you truly want it to work out, you're going to have to accept that.

 

2. All bets are off, the foundation you built your relationship on has been wiped away, essentially if you guys stick it out, things will likely stay the same day to day, but (if you stay together) again understand that you are essentially starting a new relationship with him, with re-defined terms. And he is probably going to stack them in his favor, if you cannot accept that, you need to get out now.

 

Basically you need to understand that live or die, the relationship is now his exclusive property to throw away, change or keep... I hope it works out for you, but you really are the weaker participant now and have to know that that is your new diminished role (should he choose to keep you).

 

I am sure you know all this intuitively, but if you didnt, at least now you do.

[East7]

She wouldn't have confessed her affair to her H if she only wanted her security and status. Now it's up to him to decide if the marriage is worth saving or not. Like she said, some people don't realize what they have until they lose it. Why can't you accept that she realized she still loves her H?

 

I don't deny what she feels, she is entitled to her emotions, I was just skeptical. So if she loves her H, good for her.

And confessing is definitely much better than being caught. It also shows remorse. Like some posters said here, I just wonder what triggered her to confess her H out of the blue?

 

I just wanted to make a distinction between an occasional cheating and a long term A - 4 months isn't huge but still...- she didn't say No when she kissed OM, slept with him and dated him. How much did she loved H at those moments ?

Maybe some WS have a kind of discontinued love, they are able to push the Pause button for the BS and then resume Playback when it suits them.

[Billy_Boy]

Maybe some WS have a kind of discontinued love, they are able to push the Pause button for the BS and then resume Playback when it suits them.

 

That sounds sociopathic. Like Jeff Dhamer style almost.

[anne1707]

Anne1707...you are a respected poster. You are one of the few happily reconciled fWSs who continue to post at LS,and I for one, always welcome your point of view!

 

I do not CARE what NLS's issues are with you. It is so off topic to be laughable. Bullying almost. AND UNRELATED TO THIS THREAD!

 

Please do not stop posting. Your words to the OP can only be a source of help and healing!

 

Thank you Spark

[NoLongerSad]

NLS....this thread is not ABOUT Anne1707 or her advice to the OP which I thought was very, very, very encouraging to a woman who now seems desperate to reconcile with the spouse she cheated on.

 

Easy answers might be comforting but they may not really be helpful to the OP, in the long run. The fact that she is now desperate to reconcile is something to be approached with caution, because people often make very bad decisions when they do so out of desperation.

 

In the long run she is going to have to learn to be completely honest, with her spouse and with herself. Her desperation to save her marriage is very secondary. The marriage that used to exist is gone. She is starting from scratch.

 

 

Maybe initially her spouse needed verification that Anne was no longer in contact wither her OM, but no longer needs to verify or snoop, though he certainly could if he wanted to. Anne would not care. She has nothing to hide.

 

What Anne said was that he never wanted access to her emails, then she said he did have access to her emails, then she said she never said he did NOT want to have access to her emails.

 

Maybe she meant this, or that, or something else.

 

Maybe this kind of convenient ambiguity is acceptable to her spouse, and it's obviously acceptable to you.

 

The point I am making is that if OP really wants the best chance of reconciliation, she needs to avoid talking in circles about this stuff with her betrayed spouse.

 

It's not something you would have accepted from your WS, right? OP shouldn't be encouraged to think that talking in circles is going to be helpful to her ability to recover her marriage.

 

 

When trust has been restored, it is no longer necessary to do so.

 

Well I asked anne this question and she declined to answer, so I will ask you, only from the other perspective since you are the betrayed spouse: Can you honestly state that you have the same level of absolute, innocent 100% trust in your h that you did before he had his affair? Honest answers only, please.

 

 

 

If, in the future a BS has an insecure day or moment, the fWS would do anything within their power reassure them that that they can be trusted.

 

fWS doesn't have that in their power, though. That's the point. fWS is going to have to accept the fact that they can't erase what they did, even if the marriage can be saved and made better in some ways. If a marriage gets saved after cheating, it's because both of the parties, esp. the BS, recognize that there is a huge "sunk cost" involved and that therefore, DESPITE the cheating, there's something worth saving.

 

It is the occurrence of those "insecure days", themselves, that can never be erased. Or those "insecure thoughts." Or images, or memories, or feelings. They will always be there, or the possibility that they might recur, might always be there.

 

And, for a FWS to claim that they AREN'T there is simply a more subtle form of rug sweeping.

 

Sorry, but someone who's committed long term infidelity on their innocent betrayed spouse, just isn't the "same" as someone who never did. Someone who's never been betrayed, is never the same as someone who's been betrayed. The relationship is never going to be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

Both I and my fWS have each other's email passwords and cell access codes. So what?

 

So what?....you just proved my point. If there was 100% complete trust between the two of you, you wouldn't need that access.

[Spark1111]

Easy answers might be comforting but they may not really be helpful to the OP, in the long run. The fact that she is now desperate to reconcile is something to be approached with caution, because people often make very bad decisions when they do so out of desperation.

 

In the long run she is going to have to learn to be completely honest, with her spouse and with herself. Her desperation to save her marriage is very secondary. The marriage that used to exist is gone. She is starting from scratch.

 

 

 

 

What Anne said was that he never wanted access to her emails, then she said he did have access to her emails, then she said she never said he did NOT want to have access to her emails.

 

Maybe she meant this, or that, or something else.

 

Maybe this kind of convenient ambiguity is acceptable to her spouse, and it's obviously acceptable to you.

 

The point I am making is that if OP really wants the best chance of reconciliation, she needs to avoid talking in circles about this stuff with her betrayed spouse.

 

It's not something you would have accepted from your WS, right? OP shouldn't be encouraged to think that talking in circles is going to be helpful to her ability to recover her marriage.

 

 

 

 

Well I asked anne this question and she declined to answer, so I will ask you, only from the other perspective since you are the betrayed spouse: Can you honestly state that you have the same level of absolute, innocent 100% trust in your h that you did before he had his affair? Honest answers only, please.

 

 

 

 

 

fWS doesn't have that in their power, though. That's the point. fWS is going to have to accept the fact that they can't erase what they did, even if the marriage can be saved and made better in some ways. If a marriage gets saved after cheating, it's because both of the parties, esp. the BS, recognize that there is a huge "sunk cost" involved and that therefore, DESPITE the cheating, there's something worth saving.

 

It is the occurrence of those "insecure days", themselves, that can never be erased. Or those "insecure thoughts." Or images, or memories, or feelings. They will always be there, or the possibility that they might recur, might always be there.

 

And, for a FWS to claim that they AREN'T there is simply a more subtle form of rug sweeping.

 

Sorry, but someone who's committed long term infidelity on their innocent betrayed spouse, just isn't the "same" as someone who never did. Someone who's never been betrayed, is never the same as someone who's been betrayed. The relationship is never going to be the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what?....you just proved my point. If there was 100% complete trust between the two of you, you wouldn't need that access.

 

So...are you a fBS...a fWS...did you succesfully reconcile? Divorce? I am sorry I do not know your back story. From what perspective are you posting your advice and support from, if I may ask?

 

Because Anne1707's posts ring true for me. My fWS could be writing them is he chose too.

 

ANd while I can appreciate your attempts to apply moralistic logic to the affair dynamic, there is very little logic in the having of, continuing of, dissolving of an affair and then begging to reconcile and fix the marriage you broke.

 

So which are/were you? BS? OM? OW? WS?

[Spark1111]

Because I am a fBS and I am here to attest that the relationship we have to day is better than anything I could have dreamt of.

[Spark1111]

PS: He needs the access today, not me. He fears I may find a better man. You CAN heal from Infidelity and create a better stronger relationship. I'm living proof of it.

 

I am sorry if that was NOT your experience, and it should not be everyone's. But it is mine.

[dont-be-naive]

It hurts to my core to not be to comfort him or for him to comfort me. He was always the one I'd have when things go wrong in my life. Now I've done him wrong. I just want to hear from any BS or fWS how to deal with this best? It is all so raw right now? Is there anything I can do to help him?

 

as an x-BS, the only thing you can do is leave him alone. because anything you do right now is going to be met with skepticism. And right now, whether he says he wants to keep the marriage or not, trust me, he is thinking of how life will be by divorcing you. The kids may be your only salvation. Crappy reason to stay married to a cheater, but thats what happens alot.

 

the only thing you can do is answer his questions when he asks. thats about it, because anything right now, until the rawness goes away, that would be initiated by you won't mean much because right now you are a liar and a cheater to him.

 

will that get better? maybe, mabye not. depends on your husband. but I can guarantee you as a man who has been there for you, this is the worst thing aside from stabbing him in the gut with a knife that you could do to him. so you give him time, let him ask the questions, and you answer. and you better not lie either.