Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[dont-be-naive]

good for you for waking up to the real OM. A real man stakes his own claim. He starts his own life and family...he doesnt try to weasel his way into somebody elses.

 

and I agree with all of this assessment of the OM. But since she betrayed her husband, that would make her worse.

 

so don't put all of this on the OM.

[dont-be-naive]

I don't really care if you buy it or not. It's my life and I too tired to try to prove anything to someone that doesn't know me at all.

 

thats the problem. your husband only THOUGHT he knew you as well only to figure out he doesn't.

 

you are going to hear things you don't like in the Infidelity forum. Anyone is welcome, but for the most part, as an unwritten rule, most people come here to deal with being cheated ON (mainly because of the absence of protection that is afforded to other parts of the forum i.e. Other Man/Woman forum)

 

So when you tell a story of betrayal, its going to ruffle some feathers. Just keep this in mind and understand, those that may be harsh with you have suffered under people that did things to them as you did to your husband.

[dont-be-naive]

You ended the affair and you confessed to your husband. I want to give you some credit for that because that's a heck of a lot more than a lot of cheaters do. Seriously, how many posters have we had here who just flat out refuse to tell their spouse the truth? Or who refuse to stop having contact with their affair partner? Lots!

 

I agree. Although I do not care for anyone that cheats, she at least told her H. He is no longer in the dark and now has the information for himself to decide how to lead HIS life, rather than be played for a fool. The decisions are his now, she would have been making it for him if she decided to not tell.

[Distant78]

Still doesn't make him feel better. She still did great damage to her marriage.

[anne1707]

Janey

 

If you are still reading this thread (because I can understand if you choose not to post), please take heart from the fact that both a fBS (Spark) amd myself (fWS), both genuinely believe (and know!) that reconciliation is possible. There are some here who will try to twist, manipulate and undermine but at the end of the day, I know my truth as Spark knows hers.

[dont-be-naive]

Janey

 

If you are still reading this thread (because I can understand if you choose not to post), please take heart from the fact that both a fBS (Spark) amd myself (fWS), both genuinely believe (and know!) that reconciliation is possible. There are some here who will try to twist, manipulate and undermine but at the end of the day, I know my truth as Spark knows hers.

 

so if you support the view of reconciliation because it happened to work for you, its constructive and correct.

 

if others support leaving and that damange is done, because it is, then its "manipulation", "undermining" and "twisting"?

[anne1707]

so if you support the view of reconciliation because it happened to work for you, its constructive and correct.

 

if others support leaving and that damange is done, because it is, then its "manipulation", "undermining" and "twisting"?

 

Not at all! If the marriage is over because too much damage is done or one or both partners don't want it then it is time to start anew (and I have posted to that affect). All I have said on here is that reconciliation is possible - which seeing as there are several successfully reconciled fBS/fWs on this site, must be true. It is just that unfortunately some on here have taken to over analysing everything I say and attempt to twist and undermine what I am saying. They have not just done it in this thread - they started this in another (completley unrelated to infidelity) thread. I just have no idea why they have a problem with me (or my H who also posts on this site)

[Spark1111]

Jeez, are betrayed men the worst???????????????

 

No compassion, no understanding, no healing even YEARS after the fact?

 

Look, if you know you could never forgive infidelity in a spouse and walked away, I applaud you!

 

That is a very personal choice and decision.

 

If you experienced infidelity in a spouse and decided to give it another shot, but could not do it and walked away, I still applaud your efforts.

 

If you experienced infidelity in a spouse and successfully reconciled, I applaud you sstill.

 

But WHAT IS UP with all this anger and ego on this forum?

 

And if it did not work for you, and you are fine with the choice you made, why are you here beating up people who WANT to try to reconcile with their spouse after infidelity??????????????????

 

Have you introspected enough to understand the why of affairs? Or, are you still so personally angry that you were betrayed that you cannot give support to someone who wants a shot, like Janey, to try to make it better?

 

Hate much? Bitter, STILL? Have you healed at all?

 

I just do not get the animosity expressed years after the fact from MOSTLY MEN.

 

You are stuck in anger. It is EASIER to be stuck there than to try to find a place of healing.

 

Your advice is tainted by your anger.

[Spark1111]

I agree. Although I do not care for anyone that cheats, she at least told her H. He is no longer in the dark and now has the information for himself to decide how to lead HIS life, rather than be played for a fool. The decisions are his now, she would have been making it for him if she decided to not tell.

 

Were YOU cheated on?

 

If yes, how did you handle it?

[Spark1111]

Still doesn't make him feel better. She still did great damage to her marriage.

 

Granted. Very true!

 

So what advice would you give her to fix it?

 

Were you cheated on?

 

How did you handle it?

[Spark1111]

as an x-BS, the only thing you can do is leave him alone. because anything you do right now is going to be met with skepticism. And right now, whether he says he wants to keep the marriage or not, trust me, he is thinking of how life will be by divorcing you. The kids may be your only salvation. Crappy reason to stay married to a cheater, but thats what happens alot.

 

the only thing you can do is answer his questions when he asks. thats about it, because anything right now, until the rawness goes away, that would be initiated by you won't mean much because right now you are a liar and a cheater to him.

 

will that get better? maybe, mabye not. depends on your husband. but I can guarantee you as a man who has been there for you, this is the worst thing aside from stabbing him in the gut with a knife that you could do to him. so you give him time, let him ask the questions, and you answer. and you better not lie either.

 

About the bolded. The same is true for women who have been betrayed also!

[Distant78]

Granted. Very true!

 

Thanks.

 

So what advice would you give her to fix it?

 

To fix the marriage? Divorce.

 

Were you cheated on?

 

Yup.

 

How did you handle it?

 

I divorced her and now I'm happily engaged to someone else.

[Distant78]

Jeez, are betrayed men the worst???????????????

 

No compassion, no understanding, no healing even YEARS after the fact?

 

Look, if you know you could never forgive infidelity in a spouse and walked away, I applaud you!

 

That is a very personal choice and decision.

 

If you experienced infidelity in a spouse and decided to give it another shot, but could not do it and walked away, I still applaud your efforts.

 

If you experienced infidelity in a spouse and successfully reconciled, I applaud you sstill.

 

But WHAT IS UP with all this anger and ego on this forum?

 

And if it did not work for you, and you are fine with the choice you made, why are you here beating up people who WANT to try to reconcile with their spouse after infidelity??????????????????

 

Have you introspected enough to understand the why of affairs? Or, are you still so personally angry that you were betrayed that you cannot give support to someone who wants a shot, like Janey, to try to make it better?

 

Hate much? Bitter, STILL? Have you healed at all?

 

I just do not get the animosity expressed years after the fact from MOSTLY MEN.

 

You are stuck in anger. It is EASIER to be stuck there than to try to find a place of healing.

 

Your advice is tainted by your anger.

 

Just because some betrayed folks didn't choose to reconcile doesn't mean they're bitter or angry, and many BSs who choose to reconcile are simply in denial. But you're right, at the end of the day we handle it differently so in that case it's just don-be-naive's perspective on how he handles the problem.

[Spark1111]

so if you support the view of reconciliation because it happened to work for you, its constructive and correct.

 

if others support leaving and that damange is done, because it is, then its "manipulation", "undermining" and "twisting"?

 

Not at all.

 

However, it can still be used as a sledgehammer to a poster seeking advice and support on how to reconcile her marriage.

 

How is that helpful, in you opinion?

 

Perhaps she should wear sackcloth and ashes, and sear a big red "A" into her chest.

 

We think she "gets" the enormity of her actions.

 

From the men all I have heard is anger, anger, he will be angry....

 

But not too much on how to make it better.

 

You guys divorced at angry and betrayed. Accepted.

 

But what is your advice to help this OP?

[PhoenixRise]

OP

 

I want to echo some of the posters who have chimed in to say reconciliation is possible. Not easy. Not a sure thing. In some cases not wise. Doesn't happen overnight. BUT it is possible.

 

I reconciled with my FWS. It wasn't easy for me and I sure as hell didn't make it easy for him. But we are in a much better place and a much different marriage than we were pre affair.

 

If your husband decides to forgive and reconcile, your marriage will never be the same again. AND don't take this the wrong way but who the hell would ever want anything to be the same again? If you both decide to, you (the two of you) can make the marriage much better than it ever was before. much much better.

 

Reconciliation if done right won't result in a life of constant scrutiny and mistrust.

 

Reconciliation if done right will result in more open communication, deeper communication and a stronger relationship.

 

What you have to do right now is weather the storm. Whatever was broken in you before that allowed you to cheat...you have to be the strong one now. Show him with your actions that you are willing to do whatever it takes to heal your marriage and re-earn his trust. Go to IC. Ask him to go to MC (don't be surprised if he refuses at first but if you 2 stay together at some point, MC is a must). Have the courage to give him whatever truths he asks for with no hedging. AND if he needs space, give it to him.

 

AND if you are still reading here, go back and check some of Anne1707's posts and threads. She has walked in your shoes and successfully recovered her marriage. You will learn a lot from her experience.

[Spark1111]

Just because some betrayed folks didn't choose to reconcile doesn't mean they're bitter or angry, and many BSs who choose to reconcile are simply in denial. But you're right, at the end of the day we handle it differently so in that case it's just don-be-naive's perspective on how he handles the problem.

 

And the support for this OP is......where?

 

Why not declare that you were too angry to reconcile and go be angry elsewhere?

 

Maybe with a non-repentent spouse?

 

Or offer some advice they may actually help this poster? She confessed, wants to make it right, and is sufficiently scared off now to not post again.

 

Feel better to have beaten up this woman?

 

Try, this might have made a difference to me if......fill-in-the-blank...

 

All I read were angry sledgehammers.

 

I am not in denial. If you couldn't reconcile and realized it and moved to divorce, I applaud you.

 

So what are you doing on this thread?

 

Just getting your anger rocks off?

 

How did you help this woman????????????????????????

[Spark1111]

thats the problem. your husband only THOUGHT he knew you as well only to figure out he doesn't.

 

you are going to hear things you don't like in the Infidelity forum. Anyone is welcome, but for the most part, as an unwritten rule, most people come here to deal with being cheated ON (mainly because of the absence of protection that is afforded to other parts of the forum i.e. Other Man/Woman forum)

 

So when you tell a story of betrayal, its going to ruffle some feathers. Just keep this in mind and understand, those that may be harsh with you have suffered under people that did things to them as you did to your husband.

 

We get it. I lived it. I lived through it. I survived, and with or without him, there was NO WAY I was going to be an angry miserable person for the rest of my life because...

 

then the AFFAIR won...the pain won...the betrayal won....

 

And I am too good for that. So are you.

 

Try, just try, to offer words that may support someone asking for help and trying to save her marriage.

 

Otherwise, go be angry elsewhere.....maybe a different thread or a different forum....

[Distant78]

And the support for this OP is......where?

 

Who said anything about support? You asked me where was the advice and I suggested divorce.

 

Why not declare that you were too angry to reconcile and go be angry elsewhere?

 

Why are you thread-jacking and calling others names?

 

Maybe with a non-repentent spouse?

 

Irrelevant question.

 

Or offer some advice they may actually help this poster? She confessed, wants to make it right, and is sufficiently scared off now to not post again.

 

I have offered advice, but from her posts about her "still in love with OM" it seems she doesn't want to make it right. This could've been prevented if she separated/divorced him before turning to someone else really.

 

Feel better to have beaten up this woman?

 

Where have I "beaten" this woman? What's your problem with betrayed men who leaves a cheater?

 

All I read were angry sledgehammers.

 

And all I'm reading is you thread-jacking and calling betrayed men bitter, considering that you've been in the same position as them.

 

I am not in denial.

 

I didn't say you were. If you felt that way I am sorry.

 

So what are you doing on this thread?

 

I'm posting my opinion on her thread the same as you are.

 

Just getting your anger rocks off?

 

Anger rocks off?

 

How did you help this woman????????????????????????

 

I can't help her, only give her my advice. She must do the real work if she wants to be truly happy again.

[NoLongerSad]

Just because some betrayed folks didn't choose to reconcile doesn't mean they're bitter or angry, and many BSs who choose to reconcile are simply in denial. But you're right, at the end of the day we handle it differently so in that case it's just don-be-naive's perspective on how he handles the problem.

 

Exactly. You've made some really good points.

 

Look at spark (a BS) and anne (a WS). Both of them are insistent on claiming that things are better than ever in the aftermath of the infidelity in their respective relationships, yet there is still monitoring and distrust going on in BOTH relationships. That is an inevitability and it remains much more of an inevitability when people want to insist that what is true, isn't. And that truth is: Some things can't be undone. And reconciliation, to be successful, MUST acknowledge that.

 

So--don't tell me that the trust has been rebuilt if you need each other's passwords. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if you can't even give a straight answer as to whether your spouse does or doesn't monitor your emails. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if your spouse is afraid you will have a revenge affair on him.

 

And most importantly--don't tell that to any WS or BS asking for advice, because you are just selling them a bill of goods.

 

It is not all fairy tales, candy canes and rainbows. Not even close.

[anne1707]

NLS

 

I NEVER said there is still monitoring going on in my relationship. In fact there has never been any monitoring even in the immediate aftermath of Dday. All I said was that my H had never asked and never tried but said that he could have done so if he wanted to.

 

As for passwords... my H knows my password(s) because they (i.e. it as I only have one password for all my email etc other than work where I am forced to change it) are the same as his (it is something that has particularly special meaning to both of us). In summary, there is no monitoring or mistrust in our relationship (which I have already clearly stated in this thread).

 

I really do not understand why you have such a problem with me. If you think I am a sock puppet (as you have accused my H) then please report me (us). If you think I am a troll then please report me (us). If you think I (we) am breaking and terms of use then please report me. If not then why attack my (our) posts on such a personal level?

 

Everybody else here recognises Wuggle and I as two separate posters. You seem to be the only one who cannot see that.

 

Now can the threadjack PLEASE stop - this is Janey's thread.

[lkjh]

Snowflower, Spark11, and Bent,

 

I didn't mean men won't claim they were lonely and that is why they cheated. Cheaters will say anything to get themselves out of trouble

 

 

What I was referring to is the fact that only women write on here that there was some problem before hand so they cheated and now they want their spouse to fight for their marriage.

 

 

Only the women cheaters make this claim and it throws me off. Why not fight for the marriage before the cheating? It almost like women cheaters want to make themselves out to be the victim, even in cases where they are the cheater

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Snowflower, Spark11, and Bent,

 

I didn't mean men won't claim they were lonely and that is why they cheated. Cheaters will say anything to get themselves out of trouble

 

 

What I was referring to is the fact that only women write on here that there was some problem before hand so they cheated and now they want their spouse to fight for their marriage.

 

 

Only the women cheaters make this claim and it throws me off. Why not fight for the marriage before the cheating? It almost like women cheaters want to make themselves out to be the victim, even in cases where they are the cheater

 

for men it is usually much more simple. Either they are serial cheaters or more common, spouse lost interest in marriage and me, went into mommy mode and doesn't want to have sex.....

[Spark1111]

Exactly. You've made some really good points.

 

Look at spark (a BS) and anne (a WS). Both of them are insistent on claiming that things are better than ever in the aftermath of the infidelity in their respective relationships, yet there is still monitoring and distrust going on in BOTH relationships. That is an inevitability and it remains much more of an inevitability when people want to insist that what is true, isn't. And that truth is: Some things can't be undone. And reconciliation, to be successful, MUST acknowledge that.

 

So--don't tell me that the trust has been rebuilt if you need each other's passwords. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if you can't even give a straight answer as to whether your spouse does or doesn't monitor your emails. Don't tell me the trust has been rebuilt if your spouse is afraid you will have a revenge affair on him.

 

And most importantly--don't tell that to any WS or BS asking for advice, because you are just selling them a bill of goods.

 

It is not all fairy tales, candy canes and rainbows. Not even close.

 

Hey, go back and read my posts before you judge.

 

I bled my pain on these pages. I worked so hard to give my spouse another chance after throwing him out because he begged it. And he did change. And he did become a better man. And he and I are very happy now.

 

If we have each other's passwords, so what? People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Will we ever have that blind innocent trust again? Of course not. But I wouldn't have that with anyone new either. Neither will you.

 

So look, you can be right. I can be happy.

 

I am not judging you and/or the reasons you made the best choice for you.

 

Why do you judge mine?

 

People can and do successfully reconcile after infidelity.

[Spark1111]

Snowflower, Spark11, and Bent,

 

I didn't mean men won't claim they were lonely and that is why they cheated. Cheaters will say anything to get themselves out of trouble

 

 

What I was referring to is the fact that only women write on here that there was some problem before hand so they cheated and now they want their spouse to fight for their marriage.

 

 

Only the women cheaters make this claim and it throws me off. Why not fight for the marriage before the cheating? It almost like women cheaters want to make themselves out to be the victim, even in cases where they are the cheater

 

ALL CHEATERS make themselves out to be victims right before, during and immediately after discovery of the affair.

 

If they come out of the fog and do the requisite introspection, cheaters can learn that they turned to another for validation and intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional, and blamed their spouse for their unhappiness, when they should have validated themselves.

 

Many will not do the work because circumstances do not force them to. They will repeat this pattern in their relationships forever.

 

Some do.

 

It is not gender specific.

[Snowflower]

Snowflower, Spark11, and Bent,

 

I didn't mean men won't claim they were lonely and that is why they cheated. Cheaters will say anything to get themselves out of trouble

 

 

What I was referring to is the fact that only women write on here that there was some problem before hand so they cheated and now they want their spouse to fight for their marriage.

 

 

Only the women cheaters make this claim and it throws me off. Why not fight for the marriage before the cheating? It almost like women cheaters want to make themselves out to be the victim, even in cases where they are the cheater

 

Okay, thanks for explaining. I understand better now what you were trying to say. And, I think I agree with you to an extent based only what I read on these forums.

 

Since I was a BW, I was on the other end. But I do read the stories of WW and I wonder how they can become so completely disconnected from their husbands to the point they have no desire to reconnect with him even after the affair is long over. As a BW, even when I thought my marriage was over (after d-day), I still loved my H and was bereft at the thought of my marriage being over. So, it is difficult for me to understand that complete disconnection from a WW, even when her BH is trying to make it up to her. I find it sad.

 

I didn't have time to get back to LS yesterday and this thread is just sad. The OP is long gone most likely-although maybe she is working on things with her H instead of wasting her time defending herself here.

 

I hope scaring her off and trashing her made some posters feel better about their own situation. At least it was worth it.