Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[Spark1111]

Who said anything about support? You asked me where was the advice and I suggested divorce.

 

 

 

Why are you thread-jacking and calling others names?

 

 

 

Irrelevant question.

 

 

 

I have offered advice, but from her posts about her "still in love with OM" it seems she doesn't want to make it right. This could've been prevented if she separated/divorced him before turning to someone else really.

 

 

 

Where have I "beaten" this woman? What's your problem with betrayed men who leaves a cheater?

 

 

 

And all I'm reading is you thread-jacking and calling betrayed men bitter, considering that you've been in the same position as them.

 

 

 

I didn't say you were. If you felt that way I am sorry.

 

 

 

I'm posting my opinion on her thread the same as you are.

 

 

 

Anger rocks off?

 

 

 

I can't help her, only give her my advice. She must do the real work if she wants to be truly happy again.

 

I have absolutely no resentment of the you making the best choice for you in leaving a cheater!

 

I had a bag packed for 1.5 years. Trust me, I understand.

 

But if you allow yourself to get stuck in anger and bitterness towards your x, it taints your advice and support towards all.

 

It also tells me, the betrayal won.

 

There is a wellspring of information on WHY some people cheat, and it has nothing to do with their spouses.

 

You can be angry at your x for a lifetime, or you can educate yourself and try to heal from your experience.

[Spark1111]

Okay, thanks for explaining. I understand better now what you were trying to say. And, I think I agree with you to an extent based only what I read on these forums.

 

Since I was a BW, I was on the other end. But I do read the stories of WW and I wonder how they can become so completely disconnected from their husbands to the point they have no desire to reconnect with him even after the affair is long over. As a BW, even when I thought my marriage was over (after d-day), I still loved my H and was bereft at the thought of my marriage being over. So, it is difficult for me to understand that complete disconnection from a WW, even when her BH is trying to make it up to her. I find it sad.

 

I didn't have time to get back to LS yesterday and this thread is just sad. The OP is long gone most likely-although maybe she is working on things with her H instead of wasting her time defending herself here.

 

I hope scaring her off and trashing her made some posters feel better about their own situation. At least it was worth it.

 

I hope she is too, Snowflower.

 

Advice and support, yes?

 

Not opinions and anger.

[Snowflower]

Hey, go back and read my posts before you judge.

 

I bled my pain on these pages. I worked so hard to give my spouse another chance after throwing him out because he begged it. And he did change. And he did become a better man. And he and I are very happy now.

 

If we have each other's passwords, so what? People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

Will we ever have that blind innocent trust again? Of course not. But I wouldn't have that with anyone new either. Neither will you.

 

So look, you can be right. I can be happy.

 

I am not judging you and/or the reasons you made the best choice for you.

 

Why do you judge mine?

 

People can and do successfully reconcile after infidelity.

 

Well said, Spark.

 

Even after 2 years on LS, it still hurts sometimes when another BS digs at me for reconciling with my H. I can understand why an AP/fAP or even WS does this but not a BS.

 

I always think, OMG-of all the people on here, a fellow BS should be able to understand and empathize with how much it hurts to betrayed in such a way.

 

A fellow BS should be able to understand the confusion, even if they made their decision to leave very quickly.

 

If a fellow BS's situation turned out different than mine and divorced, I completely respect that. I thought about divorce for months afterward so I can relate.

 

So why do some need to put down a fellow BS's decision to reconcile? I have my suspicions...

[OpenBook]

There are so many naysayers on here who say marriages cannot recover after an affair but this is wrong. I just hope I can make posts which helps others to deal with their situation. My experience can make my contribution at times very relevant.

 

Anne, in an effort to help the OP, can you explain HOW a marriage can recover after an A? Specifically, I've read where you have to construct an entirely new marriage - you can't go back to the old one (because clearly it didn't work!). Yet, the reasons why you stay and fight for the M are (I'm presuming) the exact same reasons why you married him in the first place. I can't wrap my head around that apparent contradiction. What exactly do you let go & rebuild... and what do you hang onto?

[anne1707]

Anne, in an effort to help the OP, can you explain HOW a marriage can recover after an A? Specifically, I've read where you have to construct an entirely new marriage - you can't go back to the old one (because clearly it didn't work!). Yet, the reasons why you stay and fight for the M are (I'm presuming) the exact same reasons why you married him in the first place. I can't wrap my head around that apparent contradiction. What exactly do you let go & rebuild... and what do you hang onto?

 

When saying it cannot be the same marriage as it was prior to the affair, that does not neccessarily mean how the marriage was at the very beginning but more what it became in time. Any marriage will have its ups and downs but a key thing is how problems are dealt with - is it in a constructive or destructive manner? And destructive can just mean ignoring them.

 

A marriage needs to be nurtured through good communication, not taking each other for granted, discussing any issues and ofcourse love and respect. The head in the sand attitude will not help any marriage. Through IC (for myself) and MC, both my H and I have recognised that we both needed to do more for us, to be more proactive rather than responsive. We talk far more about us, make more time for us. We don't just wait to be told either - we will ask each other how things are for them and, if there is a problem, look for an answer that works for both of us.

[lkjh]

ALL CHEATERS make themselves out to be victims right before, during and immediately after discovery of the affair.

 

If they come out of the fog and do the requisite introspection, cheaters can learn that they turned to another for validation and intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional, and blamed their spouse for their unhappiness, when they should have validated themselves.

 

Many will not do the work because circumstances do not force them to. They will repeat this pattern in their relationships forever.

 

Some do.

 

It is not gender specific.

 

 

Spark111,

I dont think you are responding to what I wrote, just what you think you I wrote. I am saying that women cheaters always make the claim that they want to fight for their marriage after they have cheated. I am saying that I dont get that mentality and that it seems like they make themselves out to be victims. They also seem to believe this.

 

Yes, I know that all cheaters lie and look for excuses when caught but it seems like women are the only ones who believe it. Men will lie and try an cover themselves but when they post on here they rarely make themselves out to be victims. And they rarely make the claim that they think their wives should fight for their marriage now that the deed is done. Women always say that exact thing

[Spark1111]

Spark111,

I dont think you are responding to what I wrote, just what you think you I wrote. I am saying that women cheaters always make the claim that they want to fight for their marriage after they have cheated. I am saying that I dont get that mentality and that it seems like they make themselves out to be victims. They also seem to believe this.

 

Yes, I know that all cheaters lie and look for excuses when caught but it seems like women are the only ones who believe it. Men will lie and try an cover themselves but when they post on here they rarely make themselves out to be victims. And they rarely make the claim that they think their wives should fight for their marriage now that the deed is done. Women always say that exact thing

 

My apologies! And I completely agree with your assessment because there is a lot of research to back it.

 

Women, for the most part, need an emotional connection to cheat. They are very good at talking themselves into and out of love. The guy who pays romantic attention to them, woos them, schmoozes them, is the one they fall in love with.

 

Many women hate for the "courtship" to end, even in a long-term relationship with a rock solid guy. They want to be rescued from the doldrums of their marriage, and then if they cheat and are remorseful, they want their husband to fight for the marriage (them).

 

It is indicative of someone who wants to be rescued and saved by a strong Knight-In-Shining-Armor, a real Prince Charming.

 

An astute IC would help this person examine their relationship with daddy to discover WHY the need to be validated in this way by a man, any man, even a con man who flirts and admires her.

 

Because this woman is vulnerable, needy, and at risk in all her relationships until she figures this out. If she ever does.

[dont-be-naive]

Not at all! If the marriage is over because too much damage is done or one or both partners don't want it then it is time to start anew (and I have posted to that affect). All I have said on here is that reconciliation is possible - which seeing as there are several successfully reconciled fBS/fWs on this site, must be true. It is just that unfortunately some on here have taken to over analysing everything I say and attempt to twist and undermine what I am saying. They have not just done it in this thread - they started this in another (completley unrelated to infidelity) thread. I just have no idea why they have a problem with me (or my H who also posts on this site)

 

ok gotcha. thought you were impuning the advice of those that do not recommend leaving a cheater.

[dont-be-naive]

Jeez, are betrayed men the worst??

 

"worst" as compared to what? those that cheat in the first place? the answer would be, no, that is not the worst.

 

 

No compassion, no understanding, no healing even YEARS after the fact?

 

compassion for what? people that hurt other people?

 

 

And if it did not work for you, and you are fine with the choice you made, why are you here beating up people who WANT to try to reconcile with their spouse after infidelity???????????

 

I don't know who you are referring to, but I am trying to give insight to just what her H is thinking after he walked in on her having sex with another man IN HIS BED.

 

oh sure, she may want to reconcile, but only because she is caught now.

 

And in case you haven't really been reading her posts, she is calling the OM, apologizing, seems to care more about the OM's feelings than the H.

 

That and the other things she has said doesn't coincide with someone that wants to reconcile with a H because she loves him. Maybe more so she doesn't lose her lifestyle, home, whatever.

 

also her actions and words indicate a lack of remorse. So what is there to reconcile here?

 

 

reconciliation is all fine and dandy, if in fact they want to reconcile and STOP the disrespect of the person they betrayed. too many times people want to reconcile, but still carry on the disrepect in one form or another.

 

 

Have you introspected enough to understand the why of affairs? Or, are you still so personally angry that you were betrayed that you cannot give support to someone who wants a shot, like Janey, to try to make it better?

 

she wants a shot because SHE GOT CAUGHT. And if she wants a shot, contacting the other man and apologizing isn't the way to go about it.

 

what is to really make better? to have sex with an affair partner in the marital home, marital bed is a HUGE problem. It indicates a pattern and character of someone who, in my opinion, will never be satisified with monogomy and married life. It was thrilling as hell for her to have sex in the marital bed. you think the desire for that thrill for someone like that just goes away?

 

 

I just do not get the animosity expressed years after the fact from MOSTLY MEN.

 

what does telling her what is more than likely going through the mind of her husband, to told her "#### you!" by the way, have to do with animosity?

 

Your advice is tainted by your anger.

 

to whom are you referring?

[dont-be-naive]

Were YOU cheated on?

 

If yes, how did you handle it?

 

yes, and divorced her

[dont-be-naive]

Granted. Very true!

 

So what advice would you give her to fix it?

 

as I've told her before. I use to be in her husband's shoes.

 

she needs to leave him alone. he is VERY angry and justifiably so. And i can tell you, if he is this angry, he isn't going to ever truly get over it. He could calm down, decide to stay for whatever reason. But he will always replay what he saw in his mind.

 

There is nothing she can really do but leave him alone and make the decision that if he decides to stay if she is going to be happy with the fact that he will never look at her the same again, no matter how he acts on the outside.

[dont-be-naive]

From the men all I have heard is anger, anger, he will be angry....

 

in case you haven't read he IS angry. and by her description HELLA angry.

 

 

But not too much on how to make it better.

 

some things can't be made better. the man is angry and has a vision of his wife having sex in his bed. not much to be made better.

 

the only thing to make it better for the both of them, whether in the long or short term, is to be divorced. thats just my opinion.

 

 

But what is your advice to help this OP?

 

what is your advice for a woman who callously had sex with another man in the marital bed? really? what is YOUR advice to her that could possibly make him less angry at walking in on her bouncing on some other guy in their bed?

 

I can tell you more than likely what is going through her betrayed husband's mind, and I can tell you, it isn't pretty.

 

If you want to ignore the emotions and feelings her H is going through right now and insist on this being fixable, be my guest.

 

But I can tell you, not all marriages are doomed after infidelity. This one, however, is. And its because of her actions before and after she got caught.

[dont-be-naive]

Why not declare that you were too angry to reconcile

 

it takes anger to decide you don't want to be with someone that cheats?

 

interesting.

 

 

 

I am not in denial. If you couldn't reconcile and realized it and moved to divorce, I applaud you.

 

uh, sorry you don't get to tell him he didn't reconcile purely because he is angry, and then turn around and say you applaud him on his decision.

 

the two statements are contradictory.

[dont-be-naive]

I hope she is too, Snowflower.

 

Advice and support, yes?

 

Not opinions and anger.

 

well, no anger here, but here goes.

 

Advice? let H make the decision or file for divorce. H is too angry, justifiably so, and his view of her, espeically in light of his anger, will not change. He WILL see her with a scarlet A on her forehead.

 

So best for both of them to part ways. Nothing good will come out of these two being together.

[dont-be-naive]

Geez, never mind some of the above posts. I realized I was replying to the wrong story, but everything I said in the days before I stand by, with no anger.

 

apologies.

[kuma]

I don't deny what she feels, she is entitled to her emotions, I was just skeptical. So if she loves her H, good for her.

And confessing is definitely much better than being caught. It also shows remorse. Like some posters said here, I just wonder what triggered her to confess her H out of the blue?

 

I just wanted to make a distinction between an occasional cheating and a long term A - 4 months isn't huge but still...- she didn't say No when she kissed OM, slept with him and dated him. How much did she loved H at those moments ?

Maybe some WS have a kind of discontinued love, they are able to push the Pause button for the BS and then resume Playback when it suits them.

 

She did say her double life was killing her. She and her H took each other for granted. Does that mean they completely stopped loving each other? I really don't think you know someone's marriage unless you've lived with them. I agree that some WS are able to push the pause button when they're with AP and then resume playback when they go home. They are cake-eaters.

Edited January 12, 2011 by kuma

[Distant78]

I have absolutely no resentment of the you making the best choice for you in leaving a cheater!

 

Then what is your problem with betrayed men who don't put up with WWs? Because they didn't stick around and listen to some shrink talk about how they're at fault for their wife cheating?

 

I had a bag packed for 1.5 years. Trust me, I understand.

 

Yet you unloaded it and put it back in your closet after you allowed yourself to be convinced that everything is better than ever.

 

But if you allow yourself to get stuck in anger and bitterness towards your x, it taints your advice and support towards all.

 

Now see there you go again Spark. Running off and assuming I'm bitter because I left my ex. My point has been proven.

 

You can be angry at your x for a lifetime, or you can educate yourself and try to heal from your experience.

 

I have already educated myself extensively about cheaters. I happily suggest you educate yourself on your own situation.

[dont-be-naive]

Geez, never mind some of the above posts. I realized I was replying to the wrong story, but everything I said in the days before I stand by, with no anger.

 

apologies.

 

again Janey, I had 2 screens open and a couple of posts, the ones about you getting caught and H saying "F you" didn't apply to you. I got them mixed up. My apologies. Please ignore those as they didn't pertain to your situation, but still can refer to the posts made before today.

[Spark1111]

Janey is typical of cheaters who have been caught, Remorseful male cheaters act this way too!

 

Janey is still in affair fog, feeling apologetic to the OM while wanting to reconcile with the H she now realizes she loves more.

 

Male cheaters act this way too after confessing or being caught. They are weaning themselves from the "high" created by the affair. Their rational mind begins to comprehend the enormity of their actions and many go into a tailspin.

 

If you know you could never reconcile and divorced, I applaud you.

 

But every affair follows this pattern, whether it be a male or female cheater, because of the brain chemicals involved.

 

If Janey's husband wants to reconcile in time, and Janey is truly remorseful, transparent and does the hard work of introspection, they could have a shot at a happy marriage in the future.

 

Until janey's H posts here, we really do not know what his thought's are. do we?

 

We only know that Janey wants to reconcile was seeking advice and support from us.

[Spark1111]

Then what is your problem with betrayed men who don't put up with WWs? Because they didn't stick around and listen to some shrink talk about how they're at fault for their wife cheating?

 

 

 

Yet you unloaded it and put it back in your closet after you allowed yourself to be convinced that everything is better than ever.

 

 

 

Now see there you go again Spark. Running off and assuming I'm bitter because I left my ex. My point has been proven.

 

 

 

I have already educated myself extensively about cheaters. I happily suggest you educate yourself on your own situation.

 

As you already seem to know it all, I certainly will not be able to enlighten you that it is possible to reconcile successfully.

 

I guess I was duped by my fWS, and my shrink, who told me of all I had done wrong in my marriage to warrant being cheated on (NOT).

 

I do not judge the choice you made as being in your best interest.

 

Why do you need to judge, disparage, make erroneous assumptions of the choice I made and am extremely happy with?

 

When a poster comes here seeking advice and support, I try.

 

I do not try to project all the anger I had onto them. They are NOT me, my fWS, or the fOW in my sitch.

 

For me, it is not necessary.

[Spark1111]

She did say her double life was killing her. She and her H took each other for granted. Does that mean they completely stopped loving each other? I really don't think you know someone's marriage unless you've lived with them. I agree that some WS are able to push the pause button when they're with AP and then resume playback when they go home. They are cake-eaters.

 

It is called compartmentalization, and it many affair scenarios, the WS exhibits it in the extreme.

[Distant78]

I do not judge the choice you made as being in your best interest.

 

Yes you did.

 

Why do you need to judge, disparage, make erroneous assumptions of the choice I made and am extremely happy with?

 

Why the need to call betrayed men the most bitter of them all?

 

I do not try to project all the anger I had onto them. They are NOT me, my fWS, or the fOW in my sitch.

 

Where in one of my posts to her do I "project my anger" onto her? That's not even possible. You're just saying that because I chose not to reconcile with a cheater.

 

For me, it is not necessary.

 

Nor is it necessary for me to go around saying recovery is possible everytime a new case of infidelity is brought up or calling specifically, betrayed men bitter because they decided divorce was good for them. Sometimes it's not worth going through more pain with a cheater just to get them to see their hurting people around them.

[JaneyAmazed]

I am the OP but I forgot my password. I was so distraught I couldn't even think straight. I haven't even gone back to look at the posts since my last post. I do think I said something about "security" thinking someone was talking about financial security. Sorry about that.My brain was all over the place my last couple of posts. I just wanted to give an update and tell you how amazed I am at my husband this week. First of all, we both turned to God and prayer immediately. I lost my faith in God last year because I wasn't happy and he wouldn't help me when I prayed (or so I thought). Anyway, since Saturday night (my confession),my husband went from not being able to look at me, to taking about hiring an attorney and separating, to actually being to talk to me, hug me and last night slept in the same bed as me. He had been sleeping in a different room. No, things aren't perfect, but he has made a complete 180. I have decided to be honest with him about everything even if it hurts. I told him I miss OM. I will have grieve that relationship. He was my friend and lover for four months. When I faced with losing my husband, my family, everything I've ever known for the last 11 years, it brought me to my knees and my soul felt like it was ripped out. All I could think about was how much I took my husband for granted and how much I really love him. Last night he was able to hug me again and wipe the tears from my face when I cried missing OM. What does that tell you about the kind of man I have? He is amazing. He and I both know where I belong. We know we have a long way to go to heal, but at least we are in it together. I believe with my heart that we are strong enough and love each other enough to make our marriage better and stronger than ever before. He is willing to go to counseling with me with he had refused last year. He is willing to do what it takes to make this marriage work. I don't condemn myself anymore. I have had to suffer and will continue to suffer for what I have done, but thank God my husband is there to comfort me and love me. I write all this because someone reading this might need it. I let fear control me during the affair. I was so afraid that if I confessed and lost OM, my world would be unbearable. What I didn't realize was being with OM kept me from realizing how much I missed my husband and how the truth REALLY will set you free! It doesn't set you free into instant happiness, but I do have peace and contentment now which I could never have with OM. I don't have any secrets left and I respect myself again. I can respect my husband again and love him like I should. I know that I have a lot of healing, a lot of work to do, a lot counseling to go through, but I'm so happy I can do all this with my husband by my side.

[JaneyAmazed]

I wanted to add that I have had no contact with OM since I confessed. I think that's essential, but not easy. My husband called him yesterday and told him not to contact me and he agreed he wouldn't. There were consequences which I won't reveal here. We also exposed the affair to my family but chose not to expose it to friends. We want to protect our children from hearing anything. It's hard to maintain NC with OM but it's a lot easier when the affair has been exposed and he has been told by my husband to vanish. My e-mail and phone are also available too for my husband to see. I don't know that he will but I don't care anymore. This is the first week in 4 months I've left my cell phone in another room or forgot to take it with me. It's also the first week in 4 months I haven't taken off my wedding rings - night or day. For some reason, the diamond seems even brighter than before. When I start to miss OM, I pray and then I look forward the future with my husband. I look forward to not sharing my heart, to not dreading leaving OM's house to go back to my "obligations", to not lying, and mostly to just start really living again. Affairs really do suck the life out of you. You may have temporary happiness, but the highs are never worth the lows. I'd rather be with a man who I know is coming home to me every night, sleeps beside me, holds me when I cry, protects me at all costs, knows all my faults and knows what I look like with no makeup and sweat pants and still thinks I'm beautiful. I have been given a second chance and I don't take that lightly. I love my obligations now as a wife and mom. I cherish my treasure - my family.

[whichwayisup]

Get rid of your cell number and get another one so the OM cant' contact you. Just because he told your H he wouldn't contact you, doesn't mean he won't. Change your email address as well.

 

Get to counseling, on your own and with your husband.