Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[ComputerJock]

I will stop talking to FightClub, I don't want to be accused of hijacking the OP's thread and want to concentrated on help her get through this marriage ending crisis.

[Distant78]

Well said FC.

 

The A have at least one positive result : We learn not to take people for granted, that a relationship is not granted without efforts, that infidelity can happen to the best people ever.

The A has learned to the xMW to face the problems and communicate with her H instead of escaping the reality.

The AP learns that someone married is a big no-no, that the passion and connection he learned with xMW he can invest in a healthy relationship, that his future spouse won't be taken for granted either.

 

An affair has no positives. Any man or woman messing around with a married person is out to help destroy the marriage, period. No such thing as an innocent OM/OW. They know exactly what they were getting into.

[flowergirl77]

I am a WS and my HB has been stand up as yours has through all this. He wiped my tears, and also listened to me admit I missed OM. Not easy for him to hear, but he know enough about affairs from all the reading we've done, to know I was going through "affair withdrawl" and was mourning the loss of that R.

 

I truly loved Fightclubs post. Coming from a OM perspective, which you don't see on here often.

 

Written in the book "His Needs Her Needs" a book on affair proofing your marriage, but is also a great manual on how to repair the damage after the A..the author states that NOBODY is immune to infidelity-and those that think they would "never do that" are the ones most at risk! We are only human-and these are the trials and tribulations of MG. Good luck:)

Edited January 15, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dont-be-naive]

flower, what did YOU do exactly to "repair the damage" after your affair

[flowergirl77]

flower, what did YOU do exactly to "repair the damage" after your affair

 

I quit my job to not see OM anymore at work..I have been to IC and MC and am still in the beginning stages of deciding and being ready to try and make this work. My HB has my passwords to email and FB and access to my cell phone history online. Honestly, I have not done enough, and I need to jump on board and do my part. I think repairing the damage is going to be a constant work in progress...for this poster and all others who try and stay together after an A....

[flowergirl77]

I am a WS and my HB has been stand up as yours has through all this. He wiped my tears, and also listened to me admit I missed OM. Not easy for him to hear, but he know enough about affairs from all the reading we've done, to know I was going through "affair withdrawl" and was mourning the loss of that R.

 

I truly loved Fightclubs post. Coming from a OM perspective, which you don't see on here often.

 

Written in the book "His Needs Her Needs" a book on affair proofing your marriage, but is also a great manual on how to repair the damage after the A..the author states that NOBODY is immune to infidelity-and those that think they would "never do that" are the ones most at risk! We are only human-and these are the trials and tribulations of MG. Good luck:)

 

Anyone understand why this post was flagged? I don't see how this is an inappropriate post at all!

[woinlove]

Anyone understand why this post was flagged? I don't see how this is an inappropriate post at all!

 

No, that doesn't make any sense at all - maybe someone flagged it by mistake.

 

But now that you highlight that post, I can't agree with the author you paraphrase - is no one immune to shoplifting, drug abuse, tax evasion, ...? The point is some people are a lot more susceptible to those things, or to infidelity, than others. And, there are better indicators of whether someone is susceptible than whether they think they are. But, if that book helped you gain understanding, that's what matters.

[dont-be-naive]

Anyone understand why this post was flagged? I don't see how this is an inappropriate post at all!

 

even though I'm not a big fan of cheaters/OM/OW, I don't see anything wrong with the post.

 

they do give a reason dont they? I'd be curious to know what the reason was if you wouldn't mind.

[dont-be-naive]

But now that you highlight that post, I can't agree with the author you paraphrase - is no one immune to shoplifting, drug abuse, tax evasion, ...? The point is some people are a lot more susceptible to those things, or to infidelity, than others. And, there are better indicators of whether someone is susceptible than whether they think they are.

 

I agree. Whoever said that those that say they would never cheat are more at risk to cheat is full of crap. Whoever wrote that only wishes that those of us with conviction would become cheaters. They don't want to believe that we are just like them.

 

Sorry, it just aint so. I can say I will never cheat and mean it. I think it makes them feel better if they think those that will never cheat would.

[dont-be-naive]

Anyone understand why this post was flagged? I don't see how this is an inappropriate post at all!

 

looks like whatever it was that got it flagged was edited.

 

So we are only seeing that which the mods feel is ok to be in the post.

 

whatever was removed was what you got a flag for apparently.

[JaneyAmazed]

Just thought I'd give an update. I am married to the world's most patient and loving man. I decided to stop talking about OM to my H because he deserves to not hear about him anymore. Plus, the less I talk about him, the less I think about him. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to think more about how stupid I was to get up with that man in the first place. He didn't give a damn about my husband and family. I have not contacted OM since the confession. I have avoided the one place I used to see him publically. Sure, I miss him sometimes but I realize everyday how free I am now. I'm not burdened by that deep, dark secret that was tearing my marriage apart. My husband and I are learning to communicate now and listen to each other. Before the affair, we lived separate lives. We hardly ever talked and if we disagreed on anything it became a huge fight. I'm still kind of confused at how to react to how good he's been to me since he found out (just 9 days ago). It's like he wants me more than ever - in EVERY way if you know what I mean. I've been to one session of IC so far and he's going this week. We will soon start MC. I'm happy that he is willing to give me a second chance, but it all seems so soon to me. I don't know how he is being this strong. He knows that I love him. I know that's the main reason he's staying. He knows I was messed up. I do know that I am loving him more and more everyday and my respect for him is off the charts. I'm respecting myself now too. Even if he had left me, I know I did the right thing by confessing. I gave him the choice to stay with me or leave. Learning to respect myself again and my husband is a huge step in the right direction. A lot of marriages survive and thrive after an affair. I've heard of marriages that become stronger than ever. That's my hope for our marriage. I will keep yall posted as often as possible. I did want to say too that once in a while I'll hear a song, see something I wore for OM, or some other reminder of him that kind stabs my hearts a little, but I immediately think of all the memories I have with my husband and how when I thought I had lost him, those memories outnumbered the ones I have with OM. I threw away anything that remind of me OM. Any lingerie he's ever seen me in is in the trash now. The perfume I wore is in the trash now. It's my way of coping. I seriously want to erase him from my mind. I do have nightmares about him most everynight and my husband does too. I think that's normal, but I know that time will help. I owe my husband my full attention now. Our time together is so precious and I don't take it for granted anymore.

[ComputerJock]

Read my previous post about the roller coaster ride your husband is going to be on when it hits him the sh*t you did. Stand by for the ramming. Check other BS responses on LS.

[dont-be-naive]

Just thought I'd give an update. I am married to the world's most patient and loving man. I decided to stop talking about OM to my H because he deserves to not hear about him anymore.

 

thats good, thats very good

 

 

Plus, the less I talk about him, the less I think about him. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to think more about how stupid I was to get up with that man in the first place. He didn't give a damn about my husband and family.

 

well, while that is true, you really have no place feeling used or that his actions were more deplorable than yours. because the same could be said that you didn't give a damn about your husband and family either.

 

even the people in the OM/OW forum will tell you, which I find a load of bunk, that the OM/OW has no responsibility to the spouse at all. (not even basic human decency)

 

 

Before the affair, we lived separate lives. We hardly ever talked and if we disagreed on anything it became a huge fight. I'm still kind of confused at how to react to how good he's been to me since he found out (just 9 days ago). It's like he wants me more than ever - in EVERY way if you know what I mean.

 

well don't get too secure in that. men might be this way after their woman was in bed with someone else for a # of reasons.

 

some call it hysterical bonding. some would say he is trying to prove, either to you or himself, that he is more of a man than the OM.

 

in any case, don't fool yourself if when you are having sex with husband that he isn't thinking to himself that this is exactly what the OM was doing to his wife.

 

 

I've heard of marriages that become stronger than ever. That's my hope for our marriage.

 

maybe it can, I don't see how, but to each his own.

 

I can tell you that even if the marriage survives and it seems stronger than ever, your husband will have some inner turmoil from time to time. I feel that it can have the appearance of being stronger to the one that was not betrayed. but for the betrayed, as recovered as the marriage might be, all is not totally great. Just keep that in mind. Don't make it let you throw your guard down about the possibility of you relapsing.

 

 

I do have nightmares about him most everynight and my husband does too. I think that's normal, but I know that time will help.

 

time will help, but for your husband, it will not erase.

 

 

I owe my husband my full attention now. Our time together is so precious and I don't take it for granted anymore.

 

well thats good to hear. take this chance he has given you and run with it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm still kind of confused at how to react to how good he's been to me since he found out (just 9 days ago). It's like he wants me more than ever - in EVERY way if you know what I mean.

 

I think that is a competitive reflex some guys have. It should slow down in time.

 

Your H might be kind of still in shock, he may hit an anger phase later. If that does happen, because of the steps you are taking it should pass without too much issue. You've taken most of the regular triggers out by cutting the OM out.

 

Keep in mind to avoid things that would make your H think of you cheating. IE... if you lied to him about being at a PTA meeting... don't go to PTA meetings without him... ect.

 

Anyways! I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. I believe you will continue to post on your positive progress.

[Billy_Boy]

Just thought I'd give an update. I am married to the world's most patient and loving man. I decided to stop talking about OM to my H because he deserves to not hear about him anymore. Plus, the less I talk about him, the less I think about him. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to think more about how stupid I was to get up with that man in the first place. He didn't give a damn about my husband and family. I have not contacted OM since the confession. I have avoided the one place I used to see him publically. Sure, I miss him sometimes but I realize everyday how free I am now. I'm not burdened by that deep, dark secret that was tearing my marriage apart. My husband and I are learning to communicate now and listen to each other. Before the affair, we lived separate lives. We hardly ever talked and if we disagreed on anything it became a huge fight. I'm still kind of confused at how to react to how good he's been to me since he found out (just 9 days ago). It's like he wants me more than ever - in EVERY way if you know what I mean. I've been to one session of IC so far and he's going this week. We will soon start MC. I'm happy that he is willing to give me a second chance, but it all seems so soon to me. I don't know how he is being this strong. He knows that I love him. I know that's the main reason he's staying. He knows I was messed up. I do know that I am loving him more and more everyday and my respect for him is off the charts. I'm respecting myself now too. Even if he had left me, I know I did the right thing by confessing. I gave him the choice to stay with me or leave. Learning to respect myself again and my husband is a huge step in the right direction. A lot of marriages survive and thrive after an affair. I've heard of marriages that become stronger than ever. That's my hope for our marriage. I will keep yall posted as often as possible. I did want to say too that once in a while I'll hear a song, see something I wore for OM, or some other reminder of him that kind stabs my hearts a little, but I immediately think of all the memories I have with my husband and how when I thought I had lost him, those memories outnumbered the ones I have with OM. I threw away anything that remind of me OM. Any lingerie he's ever seen me in is in the trash now. The perfume I wore is in the trash now. It's my way of coping. I seriously want to erase him from my mind. I do have nightmares about him most everynight and my husband does too. I think that's normal, but I know that time will help. I owe my husband my full attention now. Our time together is so precious and I don't take it for granted anymore.

 

Maybe he got a little piece of his own on the side, or your confession was just the little nudge he needed to be open to some secretary or something?

 

Who knows, he could just be a great guy, but I know if I was in that situation I would definitely get my little piece of cake too in order to even the scales a little. If I did though I dont think I would ever confess in that situation, I would just keep that for me.

 

If that does happen though, how would you handle it? In my case I think my own affair would last around as long as the healing process itself.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have to live with it and just atone by not repeating the pattern in the future.

 

Why don't you atone by writing the BS a check or giving him a car? I know it's a bit material... but it requires more sacrifice than just "not doing it again". You can't buy forgiveness... but you can use money to show how apologetic you feel.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hey - Thanks to those of you that responded to my update. I want you to understand that I am aware he could change and that he is being "competitive" at this point. About the suggestion that he gets a piece on of the side,If the goal is to repair our marriage, how could that possibly help at this point. It would tear the marriage off the loose hinge it's on now. I'm taking it a day at time. I don't want to make excuses for my affair but after talking to my counselor, I realize what lead me to it. It wasn't because I didn't love my husband or that wanted out of my marriage. Here are the main reasons. It doesn't make it right or ok, but my counselor said it was logical. He said I could have turned to drugs or shopping or some other outlet. I chose an affair. It wasn't the man I wanted it was the affection and affirmation. Where I went wrong, was I didn't communicate well with my H before the affair. When I let him know he had abandoned me emotionally and physically and I was extrememly lonely and we he didn't think it was that big of deal, I should have made sure he knew it was a big deal. I should have insisted on changes in our marriage. I just got angry with him inside and hoped and prayed things would get better without change. When things didn't get better, I did a desparate and stupid thing. I turned to another man for the things I needed. I say all this because there is another thread here about how to prevent an affair. If you both love each other, you have to be able communicate well what your needs are. You can't sweep issues under the rug and expect them not to come back and bite you in the butt - maybe not through an affair, but in some other way. A marriage that is not fed and fertilized and taken care of, will rot and become toxic. I am fully dedicated to reviving my marriage now. Thank God my husband is mature enough and loves me enough to be my partner again and make the changes necessary to not only survive, but thrive. I'm have to make changes too. I can't say it enough... I have hope now in a marriage that I once thought just might die - not because I didn't love my husband, but because I thought we'd never be close again. Now I can see us being close again. Having an OM/OW never helps a marriage. Duh. Having a revenge affair probably would destroy it before it could recover. Thank God my husband doesn't want revenge. He just wants a good marriage.

[anne1707]

You're doing good Janey. Just be prepared for ups and downs but don't give in whilst there is still hope and love. Marriages definitely can recover and can also be better than before the affair.

[What_Next]

I truly admire what your H has done. I really do. Now don't get me wrong I feel some empathy for you OP, but I really look up to your husband. My wife cheated on me as well. She never confessed, I discovered it on my own.

 

Now I did not have the grace and patience that your husband did. I initially left her, then got involved with another woman. Call it a revenge affair, call it evening the score, whatever. I wish I never did.

 

Your husband is going to go through all sorts of emotion, right now he bucks the trend for sure, but the shear anger will eventually come out. If not, he is bottling it up which makes for a very nasty outcome for him in the long run.

 

Just accept what comes and show all the support and understanding you can muster. So far you are doing about everything you should be doing and then some. I wish my wife did some of things you are doing. Then again I wish I HAD NOT done some of the things I did.

 

For the record I did chose to take her back and we are about 5 months past D-day and 2.5 months into our reconciliation.

[ASIANRAINFOREST]

to What Next:

 

may i ask why u wish u didnt do it? ( "I initially left her, then got involved with another woman. Call it a revenge affair, call it evening the score, whatever. I wish I never did." )

 

myself in the process of waiting for my BF coming back to me after i confessed i had slept with my ex bf. he is on dating website now seeking other women, thinking it might help to forgive me(my affair). does it make sense? pls tell me. thank you!

[ASIANRAINFOREST]

janey,

 

thank you so much for sharing ur story and kept us updated. i have gained more hope after i read u story about getting my bf of 1 year back to me after i told him i had slept with my ex. its not easy for both of us after what we have done to damage the relationship. i also have to learn to live a day at a time. i have to respect his choice whatever it is going to be.

[What_Next]

ASIANRAINFOREST, without threadjacking too much, I thought at the time that if I ran in the other direction away from here it would somehow help. My mind was a jumbled mess of emotions. I met someone that appeared to the answers to what I was seeking, well she was the polar opposite.

 

If the bond is strong enough a marriage or partnership can survive almost anything. If you would like to know more PM me. I would be happy to share with you.

[ComputerJock]

Has he gotten to the stage where he asks questions about the affair and wants details? If not be prepared to go through an interrigation that will make your stomack queezy and embarrse the hell out of you. It is one of the stages a BS goes through.

[Billy_Boy]

Why would a betrayed spouse have a revenge affair? Why to reclaim their manhood or independence of course. Careful though many revenge affairs are meant to be walked in upon, to even the hurt score and make you both on the same lower level... the logic is that its harder to feel angry in that case.

[JaneyAmazed]

Has he gotten to the stage where he asks questions about the affair and wants details? If not be prepared to go through an interrigation that will make your stomack queezy and embarrse the hell out of you. It is one of the stages a BS goes through.

 

He did ask me some questions but he didn't want details. He asked where we'd go, how often, that kind of thing. If he ever does ask for details, I'll be honest. I've decided to be honest about everything now even if it hurts and makes me want to vomit. For all I know, he'll call OM to see if our stories match. If I am honest, and he still decides to leave me, I'll know at least I didn't lie anymore. I have to live with myself now. Part of that is no more lying. I said this before but I am so so so glad I confessed. I couldn't live with rotten disgusting myself anymore. If I had gotten caught, I honestly don't believe he'd be with me now. He keeps emphasizing how thankful he is I confessed. I do wish he would get angry at me. I don't want him to bottle up inside if that's what he's doing. He keeps insisting he's not angry. All he does is hug me and tell me how much he loves me. I don't think I'd be that understanding at all. I know I wouldn't. I would love him, but damn if I'd be hugging all over him a week after he was screwing someone else. He is amazing, and you better believe I'm going to treat him like a king. Picture me bowing down chanting "I am not worthy, I am not worthy..."