Confessed and Ended Affair yesterday

[Distant78]

It is ignorant because you said you CAN'T be remorseful the first few days after a confession. That's just false.

 

Okay then answer me this: How can one go from lying and cheating on their spouse for months to years at a time, to being totally remorseful in just under a few days? Can you explain that to me?

 

 

I didn't say it minimized what I did! Where did I say that? Maybe I'm not making myself too clear on here. It's hard to express everything. I realized I was wrong from minute I started something with another man. My husband didn't actually hurt or feel pain, however, until he heard what I had done through the confession. That's why so many people never confess. They don't want to see what I saw. I knew what I did was wrong, but seeing what it did to my husband made me forget all the excuses I gave myself during the affair - like "it's love, how could it be wrong." "my husband is never home anyway." I knew how I'd been trying to justify the affair while I was in it so I could look at myself in the mirror and continue to jump into another man's bed. Once it was confessed and I broke his heart, I saw all the "justifications" were bull****. My eyes were opened. I was a dang fool. I don't know how to express in writing on this board but I hurt so bad for my husband. I can't believe I betrayed him like I did. It hurts so bad to know what I did. I can't believe I wasted the last 4 months of my life with someone who doesn't hold a candle to my man. Another reason to feel like ****, when my husband called OM, he was too nice and calm to him. He didn't ask him any questions. He just asked him to never contact me again. OM never apologized. What an ass.

 

I'm sorry but all I see here are more justifications for you having an affair. You said you realized you were wrong from the minute you started something with OM, well why did you let it carry on for months at a time?

[JaneyAmazed]

Okay then answer me this: How can one go from lying and cheating on their spouse for months to years at a time, to being totally remorseful in just under a few days? Can you explain that to me?

 

I wish I could explain it. I was in a different state of mind. That's not an excuse. I don't know what else to say. It took almost losing my husband to make me realize the extent of damage and betrayal that was done. I am not going to justify anything. I guess you just want me to say I lied about being remorseful? For what reason? If I wasn't remorseful, why would I waste my time on this board or waste my time trying to repair a marriage?

 

 

 

I'm sorry but all I see here are more justifications for you having an affair. You said you realized you were wrong from the minute you started something with OM, well why did you let it carry on for months at a time?

 

Because LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I made justifications THEN, but not now. I thought I loved OM and used it as an excuse. I was wrong. It sounds like you think I'm lying. What's the point in me responding to you anymore if you just think I'm full of ****? If you don't believe me, there's no point in you asking me anymore questions. I've told the truth. If you don't like it, you don't have to read anymore of my posts.

[Distant78]

Because LIKE I SAID BEFORE, I made justifications THEN, but not now. I thought I loved OM and used it as an excuse. I was wrong. It sounds like you think I'm lying. What's the point in me responding to you anymore if you just think I'm full of ****? If you don't believe me, there's no point in you asking me anymore questions. I've told the truth. If you don't like it, you don't have to read anymore of my posts.

 

Why get hostile for something that you did? The whole point of asking is "get the full picture." And the whole point of this is to get you to realize that what you did, is far from over.

[JaneyAmazed]

Why get hostile for something that you did? The whole point of asking is "get the full picture." And the whole point of this is to get you to realize that what you did, is far from over.

 

 

I'm not hostile over something I did. I'm hostile over you accusing me of lying. If you read any of my posts, you'd see I clearly understand this is far from over. I guess you want to me to say I'll just leave him so he can find someone he deserves because I'm a cheater and always will be. Sorry, you don't know me at all. You aren't helping me at all. I appreciate when people don't agree with me and give me good advice, but you just seem determined to doubt everything I say and aren't concerned at all with me trying to repair my marriage. For me to continue to go back and forth with you isn't helping my situation at all. We are wasting each other's time here. Have a good life.

[Distant78]

I'm not hostile over something I did. I'm hostile over you accusing me of lying. If you read any of my posts, you'd see I clearly understand this is far from over. I guess you want to me to say I'll just leave him so he can find someone he deserves because I'm a cheater and always will be. Sorry, you don't know me at all. You aren't helping me at all. I appreciate when people don't agree with me and give me good advice, but you just seem determined to doubt everything I say and aren't concerned at all with me trying to repair my marriage. For me to continue to go back and forth with you isn't helping my situation at all. We are wasting each other's time here. Have a good life.

 

If you really know that this is far from over then you wouldn't be here stating how you are 100% completely remorseful, which bluntly is impossible to accomplish in such a short amount of time. Thanks for giving me a good life.

[East7]

I had been fighting a lot with my husband and was starting to see how I would lose him and my marriage if I continued in the affair. I had been crying a lot and irritable and he knew something was wrong with me. I decided my marriage was more important and he was more important than OM. In a nut shell, I couldn't live with myself anymore. It was killing me. I just spilled my guts. I am remorseful. I don't know how anyone could read my posts and not see that.

 

So basically you are saying that you stoped the A just because you didn't want to loose your marriage, not because you love your H more than OM;

As fOM I'm trying to understand, how can you cheat on someone then go back and re-fall in love with him ?

Is that feeling guilty = being in love again ? Or the fear of loosing someone = love ?

As I always say an A is not a one-night-stand, it is a new established relationship with conscious decisions, dates, physical and emotional intimacy...Not trying to be judgmental, just wondering how can someone switch partners and feelings so easily.

[JaneyAmazed]

So basically you are saying that you stoped the A just because you didn't want to loose your marriage, not because you love your H more than OM;

As fOM I'm trying to understand, how can you cheat on someone then go back and re-fall in love with him ?

Is that feeling guilty = being in love again ? Or the fear of loosing someone = love ?

As I always say an A is not a one-night-stand, it is a new established relationship with conscious decisions, dates, physical and emotional intimacy...Not trying to be judgmental, just wondering how can someone switch partners and feelings so easily.

 

It's not easy at all. I still have feelings for OM. I just don't talk about OM anymore around my husband unless he wants to.My husband knows part of me misses him. You can't just disappear from someone's life that you cared about and not miss them. It wouldn't be normal no matter how bad. I made a mistake. I can't wait until the day I don't miss him at all. I'm now trying to repair what I've broken with my husband because I do love him. I made the right choice. I said before, even if I were single, OM and I would not have been good for each other. I did not want to lose my husband. I know he is the better man for me anyway. It is definitely not easy. I gave the love I was supposed to be giving my husband to another man. That's not something that can be repaired instantly.

 

I'm sorry I may not sound consistant sometimes because there are days when I hardly think about OM and then there are days when I can't help but think of him. Mostly I think of my husband and our future. He has been so good to me. He deserves my thoughts and tears.

[What_Next]

Janey, despite me being a BS I have tried when I saw fit to support you in this thread. In this case though I am going to take you to task. Your A lasted how long? 4 months? Sorry but I just don't buy that you can develop the deep level of feeling you claim to have for your OM in that amount of time.

 

You must think your OM was a night in shining armour right? A romantic amazing guy that "got you", right? Well remember this, he went into this A knowing full well you were married right? He knew he would potentially destroy your marriage right? He also knew that by destroying your marriage it would ultimately hurt you right? No he saw an chance to get laid and he took it. He is NOT the amazing person you think he is, he is a user.

 

Let me put it in perspective for you. After discovering my wife's affair I basically went a little loopy looking for revenge etc. Well I ended up falling into the arms of "the one", I believed she was perfect in every way. I told myself that and willed it to be true. Well she KNEW I was just seperated, she KNEW I was still living with my wife. She saw something she wanted and went for it, damn the consequences. She was no better than the ********* my wife had her affair with.

 

Do some soul searching and I think your "feelings" will quickly fade for your OM. They damned well better because if they don't your H might change his tune fast.

[BB07]

Distant78said.......

What right things is she posting? You mean to tell me that after a few days everything is right as rain?

She is sorry, she is remorseful and she is full of regret. Of course things aren't right yet.......she gets that.

 

 

 

What makes you qualified to make the assumption that she is remorseful? No one cheats then becomes a changed person in just a few days.

I have an opinion, just as you do. Change is an ongoing process for anyone. Just as her husband will have to work through his grief, so will she.

 

 

 

And your perspective toward all cheaters/OM/OW colors every response you make. And how the hell can you know I'm angry? Seriously where do you get that from?

In many of your postings your anger is quite clearly coming through and let's not forget that nasty thing you said to me in PM.

Of course my past influences my posts, just as yours do, but I'm working, heck I am a different, better woman. News flash for you....I didn't know I was the OW, thought I was dating an separated man.

 

How am I berating? I didn't post anything saying how I hate her and how she's a c*nt. I'm just simply stating that there's no way things are okay in such a short amount of time and that she can pick up most of the slack.

 

Do you feel better after you've validated a cheater?

I in no way validated her.

 

 

What is your purpose here? And I'm sure it's not to send private messages to me venting because my opinions on topics offend you so much.

I'm here because I want to be and I have a different perspective that most....because of past. I want Janey to get her marriage back and live a good, honest, happy life with her husband. Of course I don't feel qualified to assist in the usual way that people do here, but is it so terrible that I have a comment now and then?

Yes I sent you a PM, because you took a shot at me, but you were the one who responded very nastily.......want me to post it?

 

Janey.....sure seems to have her head in the right place about recovery of her marriage and I wish her all the best.

Again Janey....sorry about the t/j.

[BB07]

don't be naive........I owe an apology to you. I apologize for mistaking your intentions and confusing your identity.

[dont-be-naive]

don't be naive........I owe an apology to you. I apologize for mistaking your intentions and confusing your identity.

 

no problem, and I thank you for your answer.

 

I just get tired of hearing OW/OM, and cheaters telling others that a BS's emotions need not be put up with. example in one post someone told a WS that they don't have to kiss the ass of their BS.

 

Whether or not the WS decides that is what they have to do is beside the point. It gets on my nerves when someone can betray someone so bad and cause them so much grief, yet are told they don't have to endure any grief themselves while the BS is trying to heal. And getting angry is part of that.

 

I'm glad you don't have that more than common view on it.

[East7]

It's not easy at all. I still have feelings for OM. I just don't talk about OM anymore around my husband unless he wants to.My husband knows part of me misses him. You can't just disappear from someone's life that you cared about and not miss them. It wouldn't be normal no matter how bad. I made a mistake. I can't wait until the day I don't miss him at all. I'm now trying to repair what I've broken with my husband because I do love him. I made the right choice. I said before, even if I were single, OM and I would not have been good for each other. I did not want to lose my husband. I know he is the better man for me anyway. It is definitely not easy. I gave the love I was supposed to be giving my husband to another man.

 

If OM was not suited for you, how did it come that you had a relationship with him? Maybe you had things in common to start with, maybe you shared ideas, conversations, it was not all about sex (I hope so) ? How can you know that he was not relationship material in 4 months ? Unless it was only thrill/sexual?

It is normal that what you had with your H overweighted what you had with OM. OM didn't have the chance to share a life with you, go in holidays and have all the conditions of a decent relationship. Yes your H may sound better because he has the benefit of years of M behind. Or because he has personality qualities that OM didn't have ? But then why during 4 months your heart was with OM not with your H ?

The choice a WS has to make is always between something established, secure and known and something new and scaring. I can understand that. At the beginning your H was also someone new and unexplored. Maybe you didn't decide to marry him until you knew him well.

 

Sorry no provoking intended, I just try to rationalize and see what happens in a MW mind, though in my case circumstances were a little different.

 

Janey, despite me being a BS I have tried when I saw fit to support you in this thread. In this case though I am going to take you to task. Your A lasted how long? 4 months? Sorry but I just don't buy that you can develop the deep level of feeling you claim to have for your OM in that amount of time.

 

You must think your OM was a night in shining armour right? A romantic amazing guy that "got you", right? Well remember this, he went into this A knowing full well you were married right? He knew he would potentially destroy your marriage right? He also knew that by destroying your marriage it would ultimately hurt you right? No he saw an chance to get laid and he took it. He is NOT the amazing person you think he is, he is a user.

 

Too easy to say that, but people fall for someone married, it happens. OM/OW are not always terrible people that intentionally torpedo the marriages. When someone married tells you : my H and I are no more than room-mates, I love you, I wish we had met before....well you believe it and you think that you are meeting the right person at the wrong moment. You know she is not available but her sweet words just go straight at your chords and you think that maybe you have a chance and you fall for her and you think that she has chosen you over her hubby and you can live with her happily ever after. I know that's ridiculous, but that's how it happens. It's called fog

Edited January 19, 2011 by East7

[What_Next]

Too easy to say that, but people fall for someone married, it happens. OM/OW are not always terrible people that intentionally torpedo the marriages. When someone married tells you : my H and I are no more than room-mates, I love you, I wish we had met before....well you believe it and you think that you are meeting the right person at the wrong moment. You know she is not available but her sweet words just go straight at your chords and you think that maybe you have a chance and you fall for her and you think that she has chosen you over her hubby and you can live with her happily ever after. I know that's ridiculous, but that's how it happens. It's called fog

 

Umm it's call B/S! Pure and simple. That's a cop out, that's a justification for lack of self control and and a simple respect for others. Period. Call it what you want, but it mystifies me how someone could get involved with a married person without ill intent. IMHO yes they ARE terrible people, the whole bloody lot of them. They don't intentionally torpedo marriages, well tell me what would you call it?

 

Here's a bloody thought, how about saying "you are married, and even though your marriage may be in trouble, why don't you deal with it BEFORE we get involved?".

 

Simplisitic, maybe. Naive, also maybe. Fog, good god when someone uses that term I want to smack the hell out of them. How about a dose of common sense and realizing that with actions come consequences.

 

OK I'm climbing off my soapbox now, anyone else need to borrow it? Sheesh reading a response like this really pi___es me off. Nothing personal East7, I just disagree....

[East7]

Umm it's call B/S! Pure and simple. That's a cop out, that's a justification for lack of self control and and a simple respect for others. Period. Call it what you want, but it mystifies me how someone could get involved with a married person without ill intent. IMHO yes they ARE terrible people, the whole bloody lot of them. They don't intentionally torpedo marriages, well tell me what would you call it?

 

Because you don't need to torpedo a boat that is already sinking.

 

An A happens when something is missing.

 

Here's a bloody thought, how about saying "you are married, and even though your marriage may be in trouble, why don't you deal with it BEFORE we get involved?".

Well.. guess what ! That's more or less what I told to xMW when I met her. And do you want to know what she said ? " Oh this is such a waste . I want to get to know you better, we have so much in common"

[Distant78]

Distant78said.......She is sorry, she is remorseful and she is full of regret. Of course things aren't right yet.......she gets that.

 

Then why continue to pine for OM?

 

 

 

I have an opinion, just as you do. Change is an ongoing process for anyone. Just as her husband will have to work through his grief, so will she.

 

She doesn't have any grief.

 

 

In many of your postings your anger is quite clearly coming through and let's not forget that nasty thing you said to me in PM.

 

In many of your postings your selfishness is quite clearly coming through. I didn't say anything nasty to you. You wanted to know why I didn't like you and I told you the truth, flat out.

 

Of course my past influences my posts, just as yours do, but I'm working, heck I am a different, better woman. News flash for you....I didn't know I was the OW, thought I was dating an separated man.

 

News flash for you, you still messed with someone else's marriage. Separation doesn't mean squat.

 

Yes I sent you a PM, because you took a shot at me, but you were the one who responded very nastily.......want me to post it?

 

I don't care if you post it. I know what I said and stand by it. You should've never messaged me in the first place.

Edited January 19, 2011 by Distant78

[What_Next]

Because you don't need to torpedo a boat that is already sinking.

 

An A happens when something is missing.

 

That could very well be true, but in my books it happens when 2 selfish people decide to take a selfish and destructive path together. 2 people that only care about themselves and could care less about the impact of what they are about to undertake. Some people just lack morals.

 

East7 when your xMW said that you could have simply said "you are married and it is wrong". I don't know your story but it sounds like you chose to have the A. No wonder you are responding like this. Like I said a lack of morals and common decency.

 

I weep for the sanctity of marriage some days.

[JaneyAmazed]

Thank you all (with the exception of one ) for your opinions and advice. I've said all I can say at this point. I seem to lose my peace now when I come back here and read things that just aren't true. I owe no one but my husband the whole truth and he will get it. If anything changes drastically with my husband or our situation, I'll post back. As of now, we are still taking it a day at a time. He says he forgives me and gets upset if I don't believe him so I have to take his word for it. I know that this is rare, but not impossible. He really is amazing. To the bitter ones who think I have noo remorse or think I am not grieving, if you saw my heart and the tears I cry daily, you might not judge me unfairly. Tears for my husband, not OM. Take care everyone. I'm going to make the most of my second chance now.

[wuggle]

I'm going to make the most of my second chance now.

 

Go for it, you seem to be strong enough. Personally I honestly think you'll make it. Good luck

[BB07]

Distant78 said......

Then why continue to pine for OM?

 

Ahhh......call it the affair fog or whatever you want to call it but when someone gives you something you need/want, you don't just snap your fingers and it's gone, memory wiped out. Time....even her husband is not silly enough to pretend it didn't happen. Of course he'd like to but it doesn't work that way. Hell.....I'd like to wake up tomorrow and have a lot of memories wiped but.......it's not possible.

She'll work through it and I have faith she will get back to the good woman she was before she let her attention shift elsewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

She doesn't have any grief.

 

Presumptuous much?

 

 

 

In many of your postings your selfishness is quite clearly coming through. I didn't say anything nasty to you. You wanted to know why I didn't like you and I told you the truth, flat out.

 

My selfishness??? Oh do explain. Most people would say that telling me that I'd spread my legs for anything is quite nasty.

 

 

 

News flash for you, you still messed with someone else's marriage. Separation doesn't mean squat.

 

Oh do take it to another thread if you really want to discuss it....besides I'm pretty damn clear about admitting my part in my mess.

 

 

 

I don't care if you post it. I know what I said and stand by it. You should've never messaged me in the first place.

 

Oh excuse me........for calling you on your crap that you threw at me.

 

BTW.......Janey is leaving LS..........because of you! Do you get that????

Do you realize you had the opportunity to do some good, but your need to be a ______ gets ahead of what help you could have offered.

[BB07]

One more thing Distant.......since you've ran Janey off, I don't feel bad about my T/J........There are a lot of BS's here on LS who I have the utmost respect and highest regard for and I might not agree with 100% of what they say, but I keep my fingers taped because I realize they are a lot more knowledgeable about being betrayed then I ever will be but the brand of advice that you give out is colored by your own poison and that is why I jumped in this thread to try to give a little balance and call you out on your crap. It's not right that you would do what you've done to a woman who is trying to recover her marriage.

[Distant78]

Ahhh......call it the affair fog or whatever you want to call it but when someone gives you something you need/want, you don't just snap your fingers and it's gone, memory wiped out. Time....even her husband is not silly enough to pretend it didn't happen. Of course he'd like to but it doesn't work that way. Hell.....I'd like to wake up tomorrow and have a lot of memories wiped but.......it's not possible.

She'll work through it and I have faith she will get back to the good woman she was before she let her attention shift elsewhere.

 

There is no excuse for cheating and continuing to disrespect the betrayed after discovery.

 

Presumptuous much?

 

I could ask the same about you.

 

My selfishness??? Oh do explain. Most people would say that telling me that I'd spread my legs for anything is quite nasty.

 

And cheaters/OM/OW getting involved in an affair is quite nasty.

 

Oh do take it to another thread if you really want to discuss it....besides I'm pretty damn clear about admitting my part in my mess.

 

I never asked you to explain yourself to me.

 

Oh excuse me........for calling you on your crap that you threw at me.

 

Why are you acting as if I abused you? YOU came to ME wondering why I couldn't agree to your perception and now I'm abusing you because I tell it like it is.

 

BTW.......Janey is leaving LS..........because of you! Do you get that????

Do you realize you had the opportunity to do some good, but your need to be a ______ gets ahead of what help you could have offered.

 

Uh excuse me, she left on her own. I didn't make her do anything so enough with the blameshifting. How about you stop with YOUR NEED to be a ____ and find a better argument instead of saying all of my posts are "angry" because I despise your point of view.

[Distant78]

One more thing Distant.......since you've ran Janey off, I don't feel bad about my T/J........There are a lot of BS's here on LS who I have the utmost respect and highest regard for and I might not agree with 100% of what they say, but I keep my fingers taped because I realize they are a lot more knowledgeable about being betrayed then I ever will be but the brand of advice that you give out is colored by your own poison and that is why I jumped in this thread to try to give a little balance and call you out on your crap. It's not right that you would do what you've done to a woman who is trying to recover her marriage.

 

One more thing BB07. Since you keep thread-jacking there are a lot of WSs, OM and OW who are on this forum talking trash to these betrayed spouses, and encouraging the destruction of people's marriages/relationships. And the brand of advice and comments you give out is colored by your own poison and selfishness and that is why I do not agree with you, nor will I ever. I didn't do anything to this woman, she is the one who must answer to what she's done. That is why when you tried to "confront" me privately I called you out on your crap. If you didn't like what was said to you then maybe you should've never asked. It's not right that you come here and try to act as if you know what a betrayed spouse goes through.

[BB07]

Distant78........said this...

There is no excuse for cheating and continuing to disrespect the betrayed after discovery

 

I never said there was an excuse. Want to show me where I did?

 

 

And cheaters/OM/OW getting involved in an affair is quite nasty.

 

Yes it is.......but doesn't give you the right to say nasty things to posters either in the forum or by pm.

 

 

Why are you acting as if I abused you? YOU came to ME wondering why I couldn't agree to your perception and now I'm abusing you because I tell it like it is.

 

Abuse.......don't recall saying that, nor did I expect you to agree with me, again I called you out for making the crack about what I said.

 

 

Uh excuse me, she left on her own. I didn't make her do anything so enough with the blameshifting. How about you stop with YOUR NEED to be a ____ and find a better argument instead of saying all of my posts are "angry" because I despise your point of view.

 

I think Janey made it pretty clear as to the reason she is leaving...and it's you. Oh and by the way where did I advise Janey differently that what a BS would say?

 

One more thing BB07. Since you keep thread-jacking there are a lot of WSs, OM and OW who are on this forum talking trash to these betrayed spouses, and encouraging the destruction of people's marriages/relationships. And the brand of advice and comments you give out is colored by your own poison and selfishness and that is why I do not agree with you, nor will I ever. I didn't do anything to this woman, she is the one who must answer to what she's done. That is why when you tried to "confront" me privately I called you out on your crap. If you didn't like what was said to you then maybe you should've never asked. It's not right that you come here and try to act as if you know what a betrayed spouse goes through.

 

Funny how I don't see anyone else but you saying I talked trash to her. In fact I said not much because I don't feel that I'm qualified to say much, but you were bullying her just like you are trying to bully me and some of the other women on this forum.

Oh and you didn't confront me.......you said a nasty insulting thing to me. Simple as that. There is a world of difference! Again it's a shame that YOU a bully ran a poster off who came her for help.

[BB07]

Distant......I went back and read your story of why you are here. I can not begin to imagine how painful that was and I'm sorry that happened to you and I do mean that.

 

I'm asking you nicely.....please consider that your below the cuff comments and insults are rude and yes sometimes you are a bully and when an OP posts they are usually feeling pretty low and if you want them to listen to you the above doesn't cut it.

[Distant78]

I never said there was an excuse. Want to show me where I did?

 

Too tired to repost....

 

Yes it is.......but doesn't give you the right to say nasty things to posters either in the forum or by pm.

 

I didn't say anything nasty to her. If I would've said something nasty to her you would know. And like I said before, you wanted the truth I gave it to you. Sometimes the truth hurts.

 

Abuse.......don't recall saying that, nor did I expect you to agree with me, again I called you out for making the crack about what I said.

 

Crack about you saying what?

 

I think Janey made it pretty clear as to the reason she is leaving...and it's you.

 

It's not because of me. She decided to leave herself. I'm not the only one who disagrees with her recent actions.

 

Oh and by the way where did I advise Janey differently that what a BS would say?

 

Oh my god, it's late and I don't feel like reposting your posts tonight.

 

Funny how I don't see anyone else but you saying I talked trash to her.

 

Huh?

 

In fact I said not much because I don't feel that I'm qualified to say much, but you were bullying her just like you are trying to bully me and some of the other women on this forum.

 

I wasn't "bullying" her, you, nor "some of the other women on this forum." I think that's called stating my perspective.

 

Oh and you didn't confront me.......you said a nasty insulting thing to me.

 

I said you confronted me, and I didn't say a nasty insulting thing to you. You wanted my thoughts and I simply gave them to you.

 

Simple as that. There is a world of difference! Again it's a shame that YOU a bully ran a poster off who came her for help.

 

I didn't run a poster off and I'm not a bully because I don't coddle cheaters/OM/OW.