teyiten Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 My ex-gf of 4 years left me for someone else sometime ago out of the blue(a week plus before she break the news everything was still normal, we have heavy petting, and she said she loves me) , I was hurt and shocked and begged her crying over the phone like a total wimp that made me detest myself. She confessed to me that actually a year ago she had some crush on another guy(not the one she left me for) and spent a night together in her hostel room after the guy came over to solve some problems for her computer. She said they did not did anything physically, she asked the guy to stay because it is quite late at night already so it was out of courtesy to not let the guy travelled back to his room. I believed nothing physically happened between them, but I still feel betrayed. Is this cheating? With the guy she left me for, she said she have a few dates with him without my knowledge, so is this cheating? I am totally confused on the topic on cheating. Cheating as I have understood earlier, is to have something physical without another's knowledge. But I felt betrayed and cheated despite nothing physical has happened. Am I normal? Another thing that strikes me is that, my ex is constantly looking for "greener pastures", she told me she did not left me earlier because the guy that stayed in her room did not make any moves to woo her. I am very confused. Is it norm in relationship that we could keep a constant lookout for someone else? I thought we are commited already, so we shouldn't consider other people. In fact I have been hit on several occasions by woman but I ignore them, so I thought I could expect the same from her. Am I wrong? This is eating me and I am losing confidence in relationship for what exactly is commitment when we are still on constant lookout for "better ones"? On premarital sex. After we broke out, my best friend asked me if we have had any sex before. I told him I have never done that because I believe sex is reserved for marriage( dont start flaming me, I don't point accusing fingers to those who practice premarital sex, it's just my personal belief) . My ex-gf however think premarital sex is ok, so I am the one who reject having sex and also oral sex when she wanted to went down on me. My friend thinks I am nuts going through 4 years relationship without sex and that's maybe one reason she left me. I am a perfectly normal guy with sexual urges myself,it's not that I have any physical problelm on having sex, in fact it requires strong self discipline on my part from doing anything further while making out. So am I being too conservative, "old fashion" or self-righteous? Link to post Share on other sites
opentonewadvice Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 It is very obvious that this girl is not on the same page as you. You are doing what is right, although some people may be doing different that does not mean that you should change your routine. You were taught the right way and have good morals. And if she cannot accept those then you should not be dealing with this girl. Being with someone in a relationship is not all about having sex. There are many benefits, and to bad she does not recognize them. I suggest you find someone who will respect your feelings more and has some of your same values. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teyiten Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Thanks for your encouraging reply opentonewadvice. My ex used to say I am too conservative on premarital sex but I used to think I am right, and dismissed her. However after the break, I found that most my friends around me in relationship is having premarital sex, except a couple who are very religious. My friend told me since I am not religious, I am having too idealistic view on relationship, and that includes my view on commitment. He is on constant lookout himself while in a commited relationship of 2 years because he do not want to deny himeself a better life. He thinks it's ok so long he is not married. All this relationship and moral thing is confusing for me, my ex is my first relationship, I have no prior experience in these kind of things. It seems like, put in my friends words, if I still hold on to my "age old" views on premarital sex and relationship, I am denying the girls "integral part of a relationship" and if I am going to be so serious about commitment, I would end up getting hurt again easily unless I am going for those very religious kind, whom I definitely don't like. Now it seems to me what he says is more practical and logical, and I felt like being too idealistic as compared to those experienced. However it is hard for me to abandon what i believe. To make matter more confusing, a girl just confessed that she loves me last week when she learnt that i broke up with my ex, I told her I haven't got over my ex completely and do not want to engage in a new relationship now. However the other reason i did not told her is that I do not know how to face a new relationship. It is difficult to know if someone is on the same page with me, especially after this hard lesson, I have learnt that it is almost impossible to know what a woman thinks. My ex can tell me how much she loves me and make out with me and yet she is dating behind me. So should I put up those "lookout goggles" for better deals in relationship so I could protect myself and won't feel so stupid in case I get dumped again? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Don't bother with "is it cheating?"--it's semantics, it doesn't matter. Sure, it's cheating. You were betrayed. The bonds of trust were broken. "lookout goggles?"--> as in don't trust anyone for fear of them hurting you? I wouldn't reccomend it. All healthy relationships require some amount of vulnerableness. Link to post Share on other sites
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