Boyfriend and his ex-'friend with benefits'

[kimberelly]

So my boyfriend has this "friend" whom he has known for 4 years. He admitted to me in the beginning of the relationship that he had a sexual relationship with her which was taking place as him and i were getting to know each other. I'm not sure the duration or extent of their sexual encounters but from what he told me she was practically living at his place. Even though they had a sexual relationship they spoke openly about how they were never technically boyfriend and girlfriend. One night he sat down at dinner and asked me to be exclusive with him which is when he revealed their previous sexual relationship, the details about how much time they spent together came later.

 

He told me he had talked to her about us and that she was happy for him because she liked me. I know her because my boyfriend is a musician and she shows up at ALL of his gigs and I work at a restaurant where he plays occasionally. She seemed like a really nice person although I was kind of taken aback by this relationship they had, since he was being so open about everything I took him to be serious about being committed and with her support. No hard feelings, I like to be open minded because we've all done things in the past. In the beginning their time together dwindled to gigs only until one night when I was working he had a gig out of town and I found out when I was walking out the door to go to work that he invited her to go and spend the night. I was very upset about this, and he claimed the hour and a half drive was long and he needed company. After he saw how upset it made me they drove back that night after his gig and supposedly she went home. I don't know, I went to work and came home and went to bed. (Usually we spend every night together unless he's traveling out of town).

 

So a few months go by and he starts telling me how upset he feels that she is no longer a part of his life and that they were really close and that he was losing touch. I told him I did not want to ruin his friendship with her and that if he wanted to go out to lunch with her from time to time to go ahead. However, eventually it turned into her spending an uncomfortable amount time at his house when I was working. And after this made me upset he went to her house after an argument to tell her about my feelings of discomfort. I told him before he went there that I would like to talk to her about my feelings myself, but he crossed the line and told her before I could. He told me that I had to accept their "friendship" because she had an annual check up that he usually went with her with (she has MS) and that I had to come. I declined and was very insulted by his insistence for me to just accept this and felt like I would be a huge intrusion on such a personal doctor's visit. I told him to do what he felt was best about that but I would not be going. He went.

 

She is very touchy feely with him, gives him multiple hugs upon arrival and departure and makes a good amount of physical contact with him whenever she's around. There have been several times where he invites her whenever me, him and his kids have a dinner or lunch outting which makes me feel like one of his mistresses. To no end, he protected his relationship with her saying she is like a sister. To be clear, I don't think he has physically cheated on me but their emotional connection is so deep, and she is obviously in love with him and shows up on his beck and call. She wrote me a letter telling me she felt tension whenver her and I are around each other, I tried to talk to her in person in response and she declined so I sent her a message on facebook to let her know my feelings of discomfort about them spending time alone together, and that although I would respect their friendship I just asked her to take into consideration my perspective, to which she did not reply. Which is really awkward because I see her often.

 

What it comes down to lately is that he is adamant about his friendship with her and he has invited her to his house every day for the last couple of weeks, whenever I'm not around, she's there. He's been growing very distant emotionally the more time he spend with her. His mom passed a few days ago and she was invited by him to be around with the family, which she spent all day there for three days, literally, even calling out of work to be there.

So I'm trying to hold myself together and not be this crazy jealous girlfriend but I keep running into this time and time again and today when I got off work I called him and he says she is there watching a movie. I said to call me when she left and I'd head over, and he insists to come over then. After holding back the past few days when she has been around all day with all the family I caved and told him I was sick of feeling like I am in competition with her. He got really defensive and said it's ridiculous that I should impose limitations on their friendship.

 

I feel like I'm at a dead end with this situation, to the point now where I have nightmares about her and him frequently. She's a nice person but this situation has made me feel completely disrespected, she has no respect for my discomfort or boundaries in my relationship IMO.

 

What are your thoughts?

[kimberelly]

I realized that was a rather detailed and wordy question

It's just been on my mind for a while.

 

Not sure whether I should just accept their friendship for what he says it is or what type of boundaries should be set within reason.

 

We have been together for a little over 5 months.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not sure the duration or extent of their sexual encounters but from what he told me she was practically living at his place. Even though they had a sexual relationship they spoke openly about how they were never technically boyfriend and girlfriend.

Big red flag. An FWB relationship should not be practically living at his place, in fact should not be seeing much of him at all apart from sex. It sounds like their relationship was a lot more serious than either of them admits. Just because they say they were never "boyfriend/girlfriend", well that's just a label, it doesn't change anything. They were certainly a lot closer than they are admitting.

 

I caved and told him I was sick of feeling like I am in competition with her. He got really defensive and said it's ridiculous that I should impose limitations on their friendship.

It's not ridiculous at all. What's ridiculous is that he brushes off your legitimate concerns, ignores your feelings and disrespects your opinions so easily. His friendship with her is totally inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship with you. How would he like it if it were the other way around? If he were working all day while you sat at home with another guy?

 

She's a nice person but this situation has made me feel completely disrespected, she has no respect for my discomfort or boundaries in my relationship IMO.

She is not a nice person, she is manipulative, using and destructive. She is not supportive of your relationship. You are right that she has no respect or boundaries, but neither does your BF. He should be sorting this situation out.

 

He obviously cares more about her "friendship" than his relationship with you. If you force him to limit or end their friendship then he will resent you, but if you allow it to continue you're in for a world of hurt. If he is not prepared to start respecting you and your feelings then there is no future for the relationship.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would chalk up your losses and move on. Regardless of what is or isn't going on between the two, it is clear for whatever reason that they are going to continue on 'business as usual' despite your discomfort with the situation. You can stay and remain unhappy or move on and find someone with whom you will be happier and will prioritize you higher than this guy does.

[2sunny]

since he hasn't made you his specific priority - he is showing evidence that he's a cake eater.

 

his energy is categorized. he still has her as his emotional tie. how can he possibly be connecting with you on a higher level if/since he's giving that to her? he can't.

 

that is why you feel duped. he's giving her what he should be willing to give to you.

 

you can't take that away from them... it's their's - it's reality.

 

since he won't give her up - you have half a man. is that enough? since you seem to think it's not enough... step aside.

 

i don't think you are wrong to feel this way... any man who held you as HIS top priority would let the "friend" go in order to be with the one they love deeply... since he hasn't let her go in order to connect with you - SHE is still his biggest priority.

 

he's not honest with himself or you. you can't change that for HIM - but you can change it for YOU. are you willing to end it with him so you can find a man that is emotionally, physically and mentally available to you?

 

 

ps - and yes, they have sex when they are alone... i'd get tested for std's.

[sally4sara]

What was your rapport like with this girl prior to the out of town gig? Was it pleasant, relaxed, and chatty? Did this weirdness only become present after he spoke of your discomfort?

 

I do think it was completely wrong of him to know you wanted to speak with her yourself and to do the talking for you. It shows a lack of trust and respect on his end. If she was a legitimate friend and he truly wanted you two to get along as such, he flubbed it big time by not allowing you two a potential bonding moment.

 

Now it is a mess and you're having your time with him limited via this friendship because you have to wait till she isn't around. Your work shift is being used against you so now I'm sure whenever you're at work, you're worried what is going on. It can't be fun to know if you walk, they are only a 5 minute conversation away from falling into bed together.

[kimberelly]

Big red flag. An FWB relationship should not be practically living at his place, in fact should not be seeing much of him at all apart from sex. It sounds like their relationship was a lot more serious than either of them admits. Just because they say they were never "boyfriend/girlfriend", well that's just a label, it doesn't change anything. They were certainly a lot closer than they are admitting.

 

]Yes, I have got a feeling this is true. She sent him a text a couple weeks before they started hanging out more saying "feeling far from you." What friend sends a text like that? I told him that was inappropriate and he defended her again saying how our relationship has put a damper on their friendship. Also a while back sent another text saying "I'd be sad if you didn't notice I was going out of town" over Christmas. He is very strong about labels and words (of course, as a song writer), and uses this to say she was never his girlfriend, but obviously she was regardless. He also uses this to say that he has not called anyone his girlfriend in years or admitted he was in a relationship until me.

 

It's not ridiculous at all. What's ridiculous is that he brushes off your legitimate concerns, ignores your feelings and disrespects your opinions so easily. His friendship with her is totally inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship with you. How would he like it if it were the other way around? If he were working all day while you sat at home with another guy?

I've expressed this to him as well, saying I can't imagine bringing another guy along during our time together, even just a friend with no sexual relationship, in the same way that she has been. He can't seem to wrap his mind around it when I ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed.

 

 

He obviously cares more about her "friendship" than his relationship with you. If you force him to limit or end their friendship then he will resent you, but if you allow it to continue you're in for a world of hurt. If he is not prepared to start respecting you and your feelings then there is no future for the relationship.

So it sounds as if there is not much more I can do at this point? I've tried to be the accepting girlfriend, and this argument keeps coming to a head. I have no desire to control anyone, I only wish he would admit that it is inappropriate, or that she would be a little more active in expressing her intentions with him, which neither has happened.

 

Last night after our phone conversation he said he was not in a good place emotionally, still dealing with his mom's death and the conversation we had put him over the top. Even though he's feeling well enough to have company from her. I left him alone, tried to call him and he has not returned my call.

 

LucreziaBorgia

I would chalk up your losses and move on. Regardless of what is or isn't going on between the two, it is clear for whatever reason that they are going to continue on 'business as usual' despite your discomfort with the situation. You can stay and remain unhappy or move on and find someone with whom you will be happier and will prioritize you higher than this guy does.

Feeling that. For sure.

 

2sunny

since he hasn't made you his specific priority - he is showing evidence that he's a cake eater.

 

his energy is categorized. he still has her as his emotional tie. how can he possibly be connecting with you on a higher level if/since he's giving that to her? he can't.

that is why you feel duped. he's giving her what he should be willing to give to you.

Yes, I have used that exact phrase to describe this situation actually.

 

sally4sara

 

What was your rapport like with this girl prior to the out of town gig? Was it pleasant, relaxed, and chatty? Did this weirdness only become present after he spoke of your discomfort?

Her and I were acquaintances only but we were always friendly with each other. After I found out about their past of course my perspective changed slightly, but it was not an issue until she started hanging around with him while I was at work. That's when the weirdness arrived. She backed off for a while but my boyfriend kept the door open with her and invited her to be around before and after the gig. This has been a long time problem, just heightened recently for whatever reason.

 

I do think it was completely wrong of him to know you wanted to speak with her yourself and to do the talking for you. It shows a lack of trust and respect on his end. If she was a legitimate friend and he truly wanted you two to get along as such, he flubbed it big time by not allowing you two a potential bonding moment.

Now it is a mess and you're having your time with him limited via this friendship because you have to wait till she isn't around. Your work shift is being used against you so now I'm sure whenever you're at work, you're worried what is going on. It can't be fun to know if you walk, they are only a 5 minute conversation away from falling into bed together.

Exactly. I told him that I was upset that he went and told her how I felt when it made me look like I was afraid to express my emotions to her, which was never the case. I told her exactly how I felt, just hurt that he went to be ALONE with her and tell her himself after we got into an argument about him spending so much time alone with her.

 

Also, another part of the story is him "accidentally" logging into my facebook and reading an email exchage between a friend and I about him and his friend. Supposedly I was logged in on his laptop and he didn't realize it was my email and clicked on the message, realizing it wasn't his, but read the whole exchange. I expressed in detail my discomforts and challenges from the beginning. All of what was expressed was things I had expressed to his face and also (in not as much detail) to her. After reading the email I was not embarrassed by anything I said, I did not insult him or her, I only expressed my discomfort and surprising feelings of jealousy since I have never been jealous on this level on any relationship. He was out of town and sent me an email saying how he felt violated and that his friendship with her was smeared and insulting. (Granted, the friend, who was a mutual friend of ours, said a few things that were a little more of a bite than I did). I felt like - yeah, this is your reputation, and you are hurt because it is being spoken aloud - own up to it and admit your mistakes. He has continued to hold a grudge about this, especially since I did not apologize for the email.

Edited January 10, 2011 by kimberelly

[sally4sara]

After hearing that things got worse once he spoke for you, and that he got is a tizzy when shared your feelings with a friend, I'm going to say it was done in retaliation as well as a dividing tactic. He very much likes having this little groupie of his fluttering her lashes and hanging around. Gives him that superstar feeling without the record contract. If you'd smoothed this out with her, she wouldn't be so aligned with him. How would he still get his rockstar ego stroke if she began coming around to see you too? And I hate to suggest it, but any sexual favors or perks he currently gets out of keeping her around would likely stop if you and her became chummy.

 

I'd exit stage left very quietly and not return any more phone calls. Its not like he needs an explanation; he'll know damn well why you're gone. In fact, you'll probably get the truth of the matter faster by disappearing than you will by sticking around. $5 says in a week at the most, they will be climbing in the sack together.

 

The only thing preventing her from the title you have (GF) is that you're holding it right now. That is about all the honor afforded you with that title right now.

[O'Malley]

Simply move on from this status quo. As others have stated, he's unwilling to maintain healthy boundaries because he enjoys having her as a satellite, regardless of his relationship status.

[kimberelly]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Today I called him since I didn't hear from him at all.

(Probably a bad move on my part, but I felt like I needed some kind of closure). He invited me over, his son was there until 2:30 am and I ended up going to bed before he left. I woke up after he was gone and we went to lie down. He didn't move in close as usual, and he said " I don't know what I'm going to do with you " and proceeded to tell me basically that this was all on me and he was hurt. I asked him if he really thought that was true because I was pretty hurt as well. He said in a nutshell that he was just being himself and that there was nothing inappropriate about their relationship and that he didn't want to talk about this anymore and he thought we had resolved it. There were multiple times when I spoke, including the fact that I felt disrespected about boundaries, that he replied "I've heard this before." I said, I have friends too, and I don't mind that you do either, but you've invited her over here daily for the past week and a half or so while I'm not around, and even though a few of those days were his mom's passing (she knew his mom) the others were not and were prior to that. I told him I did not want to control him which is why I've told him along the way to do what he felt was best (ultimately that's what we all do whether it takes time to surface later). He also brought up again the fact that she was practically living there prior to our relationship to which I replied that she sounded more like a girlfriend whether he admitted the status or not, as stated here. I asked him if he wanted to work through this with me and he said he was done talking about this with me. He had moved out of bed by this point and was sitting with the lights out in the living room so I grabbed my belongings and left.

 

On one hand I feel as though I wish there was more I could have done to resolve this with him, although it seems he is pretty set in his ways regarding his boundaries with her. I considered along the way to make peace with her and be her friend but she closed the door in my face on multiple occasions which made it hard to feel like she truly respected me.

 

Admittedly, this hurts like hell and I still wish things could have been resolved. I don't know what else I could do.

[PegNosePete]

Ah sorry to hear that kimb. But you've done the right thing in the long run. By cutting your losses now you've saved yourself a lot of hurt. You've seen what his feelings are: if he had any feelings for you he would've been chasing after you when you left.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

Men simply do not do the "friendship with women" thing without seeing themselves as being 'in line' for their affections. (save for workplace situations and somewhat familial situations where each is perhaps married to the in-law of the other)

 

 

Has he crossed the line since you've been together??? I couldn't say for sure... but he is not keeping her around for her shoulder to cry on.

 

 

... and you are allowing this.

[jenifer1972]

He has been gaslighting you big time

[baguette]

I haven't read all the responses but I'm just throwing in my 2 cents. You definitely need to move on.

 

It's obvious he doesn't intend to exclude her from his life, and you shouldn't have to play third wheel in your own relationship.

 

There are better guys out there.

[Star Gazer]

Kim, you did the best you could given the sh*tty position he put you in. There was nothing more you could have done. This guy is totally undeserving.

[Joe Normal]

It clearly makes you uncomfortable, and they are not treating you with any consideration. Generally it's a bad idea to date, or stay with, people who treat you inconsiderately and make you feel uncomfortable. Therefore I would suggest breaking up.

[forrest]

why are you being so stubborn on a 5 months old relationship? You need to move on. I know the comfort of having an SO is great, but in the long run you'll be better for it. Don't try to make oil out of water, it won't happen.