Want to get something going with a married man - Click for details

[michelle417]

I'm 34, single, and from Missouri. I am not involved with a married man, but wanting to be. Here's the scoop. For 10 months when I was 13 Mark was my "boyfriend". Mark was 20. I was truly not the typical 13 yr old. I was always much more mature than kids my age growing up. I was 5 ft 9 & I hit puberty (36 Cs and all) in the 5th grade. So I really have never seen him as a pedophile, so please don't reply with child molester remarks. Mark & I hung out every chance I got to sneak out of the house while my mom was at her 2nd job. We went parking ALOT. He never was pushy with me or tried to make me do anything I wasn't ready for. Mostly it was just kissing, fyi. We never told each other we loved the other, we never discussed our relationship, we just hung out. Then I was told that I was going to be sent to live with my father out of state. I knew that I wanted Mark to be my first, and it was a now or never feeling. So I had sex with him. Then I moved away. When I came back for my mom's visitation, we had sex again. The next time I visited I looked for Mark and ran into his brother who told me Mark got married. I was devastated for a while, but being a 14yr old got over it pretty quick.

 

I moved back to the area and ran into mark at a club when I was 20 or 21. We ended up having sex in his car. I have always thought it is terribly wrong and evil to mess with a married man. We both felt horribly guilty. I don't remember much of our conversations from that evening because I was drinking. I do remember him claiming that he had never cheated on his wife before (I'm sure they all say that though). I felt guilty for a long time after, and we didn't have further contact. Since that time I haven't even considered dating a married man. A couple of years after the married-in-the-car sex, I got to be close friends with Mark's sister who is my age. I never told her about that night with Mark. Over the years his sister has told me stories (you know how people discuss their families) about what a loser his wife is. She also enlightened me to the fact that Mark married his wife because she was pregnant with someone else's baby, that Mark has raised as his own. She recently told me he has said to her "I don't know why I stay with her" and that they hadn't had sex in a year. I have no idea how long ago that was said.

 

I haven't seen Mark in about 15 years up until the last 3-4 months. He is a manager of a pawn shop & a flea market and I am clearing out my grandmother's home and have 77 years of stuff to get rid of. So my friend, his sister, suggested that I call him. He offered to let me park a car for sale on the lot. The 81 car hadn't been driven for 2 years so I had to keep going up there to work on it, give him title & keys, etc. So I have seen him a couple times a week or so. At first I was fine, wasn't having any dirty thoughts, lol. Then I started thinking about him alot, looked very forward to seeing him, finding excuses to see him. I'm very shy and haven't made it known to him that I'm interested in something. I can barely look him in the eye and I get all nervous around him. I feel that same magnetic thing we had back in the day. I have caught him checking me out a couple times, but he also has said nothing and given no signals that he wants something. Then the other night he came over to my house and we were alone again for the first time in 15 years. He went over to my senior picture on the wall, said he remembered that picture, and stared at it all googley eyed with a big grin on his face for a really long time. he wanted to know who every person in all the pictures were. He never ever talks about his wife to me. He always asks about me & my family, but I never ask about the wife. Then when he was leaving he seemed to be searching for a reason for us to see each other (his truck to move some big stuff) and said "call me, come see me" as he was walking through the yard. Bottom line is that I got the vibe that he still has some sort of feelings for me. I have been obsessed ever since that night.

 

I do NOT want to break up a good marriage. But I don't want to look back 20 years from now and wonder what if. Most of my married friends were not happy and regretted getting married so young, to the wrong person, etc. We all make mistakes. I have been reading up on body language, and according to every thing I've read, his body language is saying he's interested. I don't want him to leave his wife for me, i'm not planning a wedding or anything like that. But I can't stop thinking about him, it keeps me awake at night. I don't know how to let him know I'm interested in (not sure what) something more without making an ass out of myself if he isn't interested. I'm running out of excuses to see him and am tired of obsessing. I feel like if I don't say or do something the next time I see him, I won't get another chance. Should I ask if he is happy with his wife? Should I run down memory lane (which he does on occasion in front of customers) and mention how I miss those days or how much fun it was? Should I ask if he regrets getting married? Should I say I wonder what would have happened if I never had to move away to my Dad's? Should I ask him to go for a drink? Please help. I don't know how to handle this. any and all suggestions welcome. I don't need a lecture about how it's wrong because he's married. If he is already headed for divorce don't he & I deserve to explore what we started at such a young age? Thank you!

[Tony T]

You don't deserve anything with a married man. If he's really serious about you, he'll present you with final divorce papers and then you can explore things. Meanwhile, you're screwing with your own mind. Statistically, most men don't leave their wives for mistresses or paramors of any sort. You're doing yourself a great disservice by obsessing over a man who's likely to wipe you all over the face of this earth emotionally and remain with his wife.

 

Again, let him show you he's serious by showing you final divorce papers recorded and entered into the record of the court clerk's office. Otherwise, you are guaranteed to be a loser in this one. He's probably like most married men who cheat on their wives, lying about the state of their marriages just to seduce a naive lady like you.

[michelle417]

Thank you Tony for your reply. I didn't mention in the original post that I have no intention of any physical contact unless I see divorce papers or he moves out. I know that most mm's don't leave their wives. I've always been the one to preach to my friends when they have messed with men who are attached or married. I guess I'm wanting advice on how to approach the subject to see if he is interested in something with me, after he is no longer in the marriage. I apologize for not making myself clear....this is really stressing me out. Thanks again!

[Papillon]

Well, you know what I think... regardless of how "mature" you THINK you were when you were 13, this guy used you back then because you were a naive, impression little girl back then who was easy to manipulate, with a willing young body and hormones a-raging.

 

I'm sure you've grown up now, but it's obvious that your experience with him stuck in your mind and you grew up with this bad little seed inside you, along for the ride - it really saddens me. He is NOT the same person that he was 20 years ago (though I doubt he became a "good" person"), why in the seven f***in lower hells would you just want to pick up where you left off??? That's not magnetism you feel, its that bad little seed making itself heard! He probably made you feel more than you were back then, are you looking to feel more than you are now? Believe me, he WILL make you feel like trash in the end. Whether he's married or not is besides the point - you're looking for something you won't find.

 

A faery tale about a little girl called Pandora springs to mind....

[moimeme]

If you're such good friends with his sister, she can keep you abreast on the state of his marriage. IF he gets divorced, you can make your move. Remember, though, that intense physical attraction is not the same thing as love. It is highly possible to feel intense physical attraction for someone who is completely wrong for you in every way so don't let that be your guide when it comes to relationships.

[michelle417]

Thanks for your reply. I know lust/physical attraction is not love. And I got as much info from his sister last weekend as I could. I don't want her to feel I'm using her for info about her brother. She said that they aren't THAT close, they don't discuss it that much. I imagine the comments were made by him to her when he was in a big fight with his wife. And we all say things like that that we really don't mean, so who knows if he is headed for divorce or not. I don't really want to put her in the middle of my dilemma. I guess i'm just gonna have to say "are you ever gonna get divorced or are you happy with your marriage?" What do you think? Thanks again!

[moimeme]

are you ever gonna get divorced or are you happy with your marriage

 

Terribly tacky question. If you must, ask him about how his life has gone since last you met. Don't pry for details. If he starts giving you a sob story, though, take it with a grain of salt until/unless he actually ends the marriage. You'll know a lot by how he describes his wife and family.

[jenny]

i think it is very likely that he would like to have sex with you. nothing you have mentioned suggests any kind of emotional or deeper connection. his sister might kvetch about his wife, he might look at your picture, and say "come see me" but c'mon...is that all it takes to woo you? really?

 

why wouldn't you demand more? why wouldn't you demand a man who is better than to screw around his wife, a man who was solely focused on you? why are your standards so very, very, low?

 

look at how much of this story is *not* about you. it's about his wife, and him. this is not going to be a fulfilling relationship, and at 34, you may want to invest in more productive places.

 

i think you will go for it anyway. your description is romanticized enough to suggest you have already made up your mind what your priorities, and nothing anyone here can say may stop you. i think you deserve a lot of love, everybody does. this situation will bring you drama but not love.

[michelle417]

Originally posted by jenny

i think it is very likely that he would like to have sex with you. nothing you have mentioned suggests any kind of emotional or deeper connection. his sister might kvetch about his wife, he might look at your picture, and say "come see me" but c'mon...is that all it takes to woo you? really?

 

why wouldn't you demand more? why wouldn't you demand a man who is better than to screw around his wife, a man who was solely focused on you? why are your standards so very, very, low?

 

look at how much of this story is *not* about you. it's about his wife, and him. this is not going to be a fulfilling relationship, and at 34, you may want to invest in more productive places.

 

i think you will go for it anyway. your description is romanticized enough to suggest you have already made up your mind what your priorities, and nothing anyone here can say may stop you. i think you deserve a lot of love, everybody does. this situation will bring you drama but not love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Thank you so much for your reply!

 

I do feel an emotional connection, but I have no idea if he does or ever did. His body language the other night suggests that he does/did.

 

NO that isn't all it takes to woo me, lol. There is much more to the story than what I mentioned, but was trying to keep it short. It's all difficult for me to put into words. Plus I'm not thinking as clearly as normal, and probably left out something pertinent....I apologize.

 

My mind is not made up! Of course much of this story is about his wife, DUH. I know how I feel. I'm trying to respect and consider his wife's feelings. (Apparently you didn't read my other posts in the thread.) Even though I want to jump him, I'm not going to have any kind of physical contact unless/until he is separated. I've never been married, but still know what it feels like to be cheated on. I caught all my adult significant others cheating on me.

 

My standards are very high. I most certainly DO demand more than a man who cheats on his wife. Cheating is the reason I dumped every one of my boyfriends. Over the last year or so (before I ever ran into Mark again) I have been realizing how maybe we aren't programmed to be monogomous. If I had forgiven the cheating and gone on to marry any of my exes, I know it would have been a mistake, and who knows how long I would have remained in, what inevitable would have become, a loveless situation just to stay married. Then the man meant for me, if there is such a thing, would pass me by and I'd never notice while I went home miserable to my cheating husband.

 

I'm confused and that's why I came to this board. I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I thought maybe people in this group could be objective and not talk down to me and maybe understand that life isn't always so black & white. It's difficult when none of us really know the person behind the words.

 

Luckily, my best friend from when I was 13, who was usually right along with Mark & I back then, is in town. I'm sure she'll be happy to remind me of all of Mark's bad qualities. Then maybe I can get this man out of my head.

 

Thanks again for your reply. All suggestions and input are still welcome!