In need of a coach for tips!

[zerovandez]

So I'm dating a girl from NYC and I'm from California. Off the bat, her personality is a lot stronger than mine and I'm a little more laid back and easy going. I met her a few months ago during a trip through a mutual friend. I spent this past 2 weeks during the holidays staying at her place. During that time, we didn't get along so well. That lasted for about a week. I guess she felt our personalities didn't match. We didn't argue much but we did have small differences. My stay was awkward to say the least. But as the days past, we grew very fond of each other. We started to laugh, we started to hang out, we started to kiss more. I guess more of the problem was that I was trying to be "perfect" and wasn't enjoying the moment.

 

Present day, I'm planned to visit her again during February. We talk over text and phone everyday. Most of it is I miss you's and electronic kisses. I guess I'm a littler faster than she is. In my mind state we're dating exclusively and I foresee a future with her. She feels the same but mentions that we should get to know each other first. My problem is that I don't know how to do this! She doesn't like typical questions and it's very difficult to talk to her about her work as she feels nobody understands her situation and she doesn't talk to anyone about it besides her immediate family. I accept that. I'm fairly newly introduced to the dating scene again and I really want this to work out with her. I'm just not sure how to start learning about her. I need help!

[carhill]

Getting to know each other involves lots of flesh pressing so I hope you've become well versed on cheap traveling because you're going to do a lot of it. This should be a mutual activity. She can fly out Friday afternoon and catch the red-eye back Sunday night. This is normal during a true LDR and it's really no big deal.

 

Other than that, go with the flow. Things develop, or not, on their own. Don't consider anything to be exclusive until further down the road and with clear communication. Way to early for that, IMO. I've had LDR's with women in other countries so have a bit of experience in that regard.

 

Lastly, allow for misunderstandings to occur. Clarify rather than confront.

[zerovandez]

The traveling cost is not so much of an issue. I guess I'm a little lost as to what to do or how to handle the situation currently. Do we text and talk? About what? Is there a way to ask her questions without annoying her?

[carhill]

IME, if a woman feels comfortable with you, irrespective of attraction, she will 'spill' far more than you have the capacity to absorb. Conversation will just flow.

 

IMO, the clear imperative is to focus on in-person time. Also, if there is compatibility, progressing towards actually being 'together', which entails one or both people moving to close the distance. Great topics for conversation, preferably in person. If I were serious, in a domestic situation like yours, I'd be looking at face time at least twice a month.

 

I prefer phone conversation because I feel it is more personal and spontaneous, especially since humor and complimentary styles of it can foster intimacy and spontaneous humor is something not easily transcribed to the page. However, the important thing is that your and her styles be compatible so, if you and she both love to text, as an example, that's a great way to foster intimacy. Video chatting is another great idea, once in awhile. Playful and occasionally naughty is fine too. It's all about compatibility.

[zerovandez]

She has shared many deep thoughts with me and I've been able to relate. I find it hard at times to touch on any random subject as she tends to analyze my repsonse or questions. It might be normal because she's a school teacher? I'm not sure. Her repsonses often seems like she's defending or took my questions/actions offensivley when I don't have those intentions so it makes my situation a tad delicate and fragile. Now it may seem that way but I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm by her repsones and actions. The strange thing is, I'm willing to work with it and so is she, obviously. What is compatibility based off of? Any thoughts on adaptability in a relationship?

[carhill]

Has she mentioned the desire to visit you? How did that go? What 'deep thoughts' have you shared with her and how did that go?

 

For example, I might talk about the recent death of my mother and how that process went and affected me, not in a sympathy-seeking way but rather in a matter of fact way of how I felt and processed those feelings. A compatible partner might see that as a sign of opening a dialogue on such things. Intimacy can result.

[zerovandez]

We've discussed her availabilty to visit and she really does want to. Her work schedule gets in the way as it doesn't allow for much personal time off so I understand. And she's expressed the need and want to see me and spend time with me as much as possible. We've even discussed me moving out there because it will be easier to "date." I wouldn't mind moving, not just for her, but for a better career opportunity also. Deep thoughts include a future together, doubts, etc.

 

But it's strange, however. It sounds like she wants all of me but sometimes would state we should date and get to know one another first which I'm fine with. I just don't know how to do it, hence the start of this thread...

Edited January 10, 2011 by zerovandez

[carhill]

IME, teachers get generous holiday and vacation periods so a teacher is a great person to have a LDR with as far as travel goes. Tell me, does she have MLK day off next Monday? Usually, schools are closed. Also, another great day coming up is President's Day, which is February 21st. Some schools get two president holidays in February. Many potentials. Where there is desire, there is a way. Frankly, I tend to discount anyone who injects busy schedules into the mix as a non-starter for a serious relationship. Someone who acknowledges their schedule and seeks to open up time for being together? Pro-starter.

 

IMO, a successful LDR takes mutual means, mindset, desire and compatibility. As you can see, apparently I've become more interested in this LDR than she has demonstrated, simply by looking for schedule holes to visit you. That's instructive. Words to the wise. Hope things work out

[zerovandez]

She did have plans to visit in April and a few in the summer. She's a little strapped on cash as well but spoils me when I'm out there. I can understand her having a bit of funding issues. The only reason I don't mind it as much is because I get great discounts on flights but only apply to me otherwise, I would pass them along to her.

 

Thanks for your wise words. I guess I'll have to be patient and ride this one out. I just wish I knew how to have more open conversations with her without her feeling like I'm attacking her personality.

[folieadeux]

Hi!

 

In in NJ and my boyfriend is in GA. My SO is definitely the more relaxed one between the pair of us...I think it has something to do with where you grow up.

 

I completely agree with what Carhill stated...information will just spill out naturally if the connection is there.

 

It's also crucial to keep things going when not on visits. If she's worried about getting to know you a bit better, how about suggesting to get on the webcam together? It's the next best thing to being in person and is definitely more personal than a text if she doesn't prefer that means of communication.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

She has shared many deep thoughts with me and I've been able to relate. I find it hard at times to touch on any random subject as she tends to analyze my repsonse or questions. It might be normal because she's a school teacher? I'm not sure. Her repsonses often seems like she's defending or took my questions/actions offensivley when I don't have those intentions so it makes my situation a tad delicate and fragile. Now it may seem that way but I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm by her repsones and actions. The strange thing is, I'm willing to work with it and so is she, obviously. What is compatibility based off of? Any thoughts on adaptability in a relationship?

 

what's your main means of communication? IMO, it's hard to discuss important things sometimes in chat or text cuz we cannot see the expressions and it's hard to sense sarcasm.

 

my fiance and i used to have this problem especially with regards to my humor. sometimes he takes offense and the only way i could explain it is through voice chat or phone call. reserve email and text for getting in touch, and keeping yourselves updated. if he takes your word as an offense, explain and try to word it differently.

 

i think the dilemma here is that, you are already thinking that you guys are exclusive while she's still considering you since she suggests on getting to know each other first.

[zerovandez]

Yeah I guess I need to let go of the exclusive idea until she gives me something more to work with.

[austinshaw]

When we talk to people we pick up a lot from body language. Also if you think about it what do couples talk about normally. How was your day etc., pretty boring.

 

If you don't know her friends or family very well you are going to struggle on the phone so you need to think about what you are going to say. Make some notes before you phone her about some amusing things you saw or heard about. Maybe some current affairs she's interested in.

 

Try to get her on webcam a couple of times a week. Visual connection is well worth the time.

 

One thing you must do is talk to her about long distance relationships. If you don't want to move and she doesn't want to move then you have to make a decision on how far you want this to go. It can save a lot of pain later if you decide right now you just want to be friends.

[zerovandez]

Yes I agree. Body language says a lot. As noted above, we didn't get along very well in the beginning of my trip out there but there was a turning point in which her body language turned for my benefit. The attraction is there, and everything seems as it should be or at par at what we can do given our situation. I've expressed to her about my concerns regarding her feelings. I've said that she seems really contradicting at times with her words about her intentions and what she wants and she agrees. I'm not a serial dating and I actually don't enjoy dating around. I'm one to focus on one if I'm interested in her. I just wish she would tell me what she really wants but I know it's too early. One minute she says she wants me there and another minute she says she wants to go really slow. It's confusing sometimes. I would like to know how to get her more interested.

 

Currently, we text everyday. Nothing big just hello's, hi's, and kisses. We just started to talk on the phone more. As for web cams, we have initiated a few sessions. She's only asked me once to web chat, most of the time I bring it up. I think it's fair if she puts in as much as I do or should I cool it down and throttle back on this whole thing?

[folieadeux]

I think only time will tell with this...you'll know if she's interested and there really isn't anything that can be done about that. It's one of the most natural things in the world. She'll either up the frequency of communication and get together a set time to visit, or she won't and continue to contradict herself.

[zerovandez]

It's not the frequency of her communications that bothers or worries me. As noted, we do speak and keep in touch everyday by means of text, and now phone conversations. She tends to be over analytical of my questions and feels as if I'm attacking her personality when I asked such simple things. Example, I asked if she previously spoke with her SO everyday over the phone in the past. She says yes and I surprised as she doesn't come off as being that type of person and that's what I told her. So she felt as if I had a preset of her attitude in a negative way. Maybe I'm wording things wrong? But she was really, really upset after that question was asked. What did I do wrong?

[folieadeux]

It's not the frequency of her communications that bothers or worries me. As noted, we do speak and keep in touch everyday by means of text, and now phone conversations. She tends to be over analytical of my questions and feels as if I'm attacking her personality when I asked such simple things. Example, I asked if she previously spoke with her SO everyday over the phone in the past. She says yes and I surprised as she doesn't come off as being that type of person and that's what I told her. So she felt as if I had a preset of her attitude in a negative way. Maybe I'm wording things wrong? But she was really, really upset after that question was asked. What did I do wrong?

 

Sounds like she just took it the wrong way. Without being there, it's hard to tell. Talking about things in past relationships usually isn't a good idea either.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

It's not the frequency of her communications that bothers or worries me. As noted, we do speak and keep in touch everyday by means of text, and now phone conversations. She tends to be over analytical of my questions and feels as if I'm attacking her personality when I asked such simple things. Example, I asked if she previously spoke with her SO everyday over the phone in the past. She says yes and I surprised as she doesn't come off as being that type of person and that's what I told her. So she felt as if I had a preset of her attitude in a negative way. Maybe I'm wording things wrong? But she was really, really upset after that question was asked. What did I do wrong?

 

i know that feeling...i suggest to get to know her more.

 

apologize and explain if she took it offensively. but if she keeps reading much into your questions or conversations and takes it negatively, you cannot apologize for your behavior all the time, especially if you are not doing anything wrong.

 

if it feels like you are walking on eggshells all the time, run for the hills. i dated somebody like that and it just frustrated me to bits. everything i say means something else to him. i tried to be his friend but even so, he kept saying i was offensive, indifferent, don't care too much, blah blah...ugh. then i had enough and told him, "know what, see why i can't even be your friend? it's complicated to even talk to you."

[zerovandez]

Thanks for all of your help, you guys/girls. I'm a pretty patient person and I understand in this situation, there will be a lot of miscommunications. This is my first LDR and certainly my last! LOL. I do want to get to know her more but I can't do this effectively if she feels attacked all of the time. And without in person contact, all we can depend on are words from each other. I guess I may have to think twice about what I will say or ask to learn about her. It doesn't feel like I'm walking on egg shells just yet. But it's getting there. I didn't apologize for the question I asked but was sorry she took it the wrong way. I strongly believe that I didn't offend her in any way. I was empathetic towards her feelings, however.

 

So present day, I asked that she discloses what she wants cause I'd hate to date her and make her feel bad all of the time. Long story short, she wants me to stick around. Being how frustrated and hurt she was, I was surprised at her choice. I do like her, a lot as a matter of fact and would like to get to know her. I know all of the repliers here states everything is natural etc. But there has to be a way of asking or wording to make her not feel as if I'm attacking her. What's that secret tactic?!

[folieadeux]

Thanks for all of your help, you guys/girls. I'm a pretty patient person and I understand in this situation, there will be a lot of miscommunications. This is my first LDR and certainly my last! LOL. I do want to get to know her more but I can't do this effectively if she feels attacked all of the time. And without in person contact, all we can depend on are words from each other. I guess I may have to think twice about what I will say or ask to learn about her. It doesn't feel like I'm walking on egg shells just yet. But it's getting there. I didn't apologize for the question I asked but was sorry she took it the wrong way. I strongly believe that I didn't offend her in any way. I was empathetic towards her feelings, however.

 

So present day, I asked that she discloses what she wants cause I'd hate to date her and make her feel bad all of the time. Long story short, she wants me to stick around. Being how frustrated and hurt she was, I was surprised at her choice. I do like her, a lot as a matter of fact and would like to get to know her. I know all of the repliers here states everything is natural etc. But there has to be a way of asking or wording to make her not feel as if I'm attacking her. What's that secret tactic?!

 

Just stick to talking about your everyday topics for now and avoid heavier ones. I've mentioned it before, but feel it's worth repeating, I'd also stay clear of talking about past relationships and experiences for now too.

[zerovandez]

Thanks I needed that reminder! I'm going to throttle back on my feelings with her at the moment. I have to look out for my best interest too. I'll keep in mind to keep things to a minimum unless she initiates anything of deeper discussion. Lets see how this goes...

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i think what you are doing is right. the way you write here and even considered her reactions/feelings towards the way you act means you are a very considerate and understanding person. i hope she gets into her senses. it's very seldom to find a guy who would pursue you like this.

[zerovandez]

i think what you are doing is right. the way you write here and even considered her reactions/feelings towards the way you act means you are a very considerate and understanding person. i hope she gets into her senses. it's very seldom to find a guy who would pursue you like this.

 

Thank you for your kind words! Lets all hope this girl gets the same idea.

[zerovandez]

So I did cut back on the sweet messages I send and it felt as if she started to show more interest. So I'm happy I got that going. But....

 

I text her mid day today just wishing her well on her day knowing she's at working and probably teaching. Her reply noted that she's having a bad day due to her and the rest of the teachers not getting tenure. I don't fully understand the situtation and try to give her some encouraging words about moving forward and staying optimistic. She responds with, just disregard what I told you, it's not fair to say something to you without you understanding the situation. I completely agree that I don't understand the situation but feel as if she's ungrateful in my attepmts to put some light on her day! I'm really going to have to let her know that if she decides to stick around and have me in her life, she's getting the total package which includes the optimistic, and encouraging features. I've been really calm with her but I think it's about time I let her know. At this point, it's not very encouraging to continue this. I'm ranting I guess.

[Ilovecake]

It seems to me OP that you are trying to force this to work no matter what. I would understand establishing a strong bond and then going LD but to start off that way is an enormous obstacle, you have everything working against you. You started in the middle. You established a relationship and now you’re trying to find out who this relationship is with. You're trying to live up to some ideal in your head and that's a whole lot of pressure. It doesn't even sound like you have fun when you're together. You say you can’t think of things to talk about, that’s because you don’t know each other and are trying to create something out of thin air. Meaningless I miss yous and electronic kisses do not make for a bond. I would suggest you pull back a bit, relax, date people closer to home.