your "identity" when dating, crisis or not?

[catgotyourtongue]

Hi

-really looking for input, thoughts, and if you can relate, not at all, etc.

 

Based on input from another thread, the words "identity crisis" came up. Someone pointed out to me, (and rightly so) that I seemed to have an "identity crisis". I did not want to threadjack too much, so I am starting new one.

 

It hit me in stomach as I know it to be true, but no one ever said it me, or told me I had one. I do have an internal struggle with my identity when I date. I don't always know who I am, and have a hard time, very hard at times, deciphering what is "my sh**" and what is not. I know both parties bring preferences, ideals, values, etc., and both will bring sensitivities, baggage, strengths etc.

 

I get lost in my identity in the process. For instance:

 

(1) I bring something to someones attention "What you said was insensitive, and a little rude" and they reply with something like "you didn't see what you did, you emasculated me and made me look like a jerk" whatever the case may be.

 

If I offend someone and they come back, and tell me what I did wrong, or poorly or angrily, I then go through a maze of "was it him" "is it me" "is he a jerk and selfish" "am I controlling and do I expect too much" and the list goes on.

 

It is within the walls of these events, conversations I either can't find my identity or change my mind based on their reaction to me. I react too soon, speak too soon, get too defensive, change my mind, apologize, sulk, I waffle too much, apologize all the time, start ruffling feathers, feathers get ruffled and I then I over apologize, and the list goes on. This is on my bad days and conversations, not always. I can often approach a subject and be rational, strong, secure in my beliefs, stand, etc. I am a strong person, who is weak...odd balance. I am seeking input for when I waffle, what might I do to waffle less, lol.

 

I do not quite know where to find a solid medium, balance, and SELF in this. It drives me crazy because I then sit in the "what was this, why, what's mine, what's his responsibility" phase for ever...it seems.

 

Any thoughts, insight, help, words, ideas, books you might suggest? I have been to therapy, do self help, practice spirituality, read, etc. so please don't just suggest "go to therapy". I know that could be helpful if I choose to go back.

 

Part of my inner struggle is a (1) a need to please, (2) be compassionate, but also (3) not to take crap from people and not to let men walk on me and behave poorly. I have no problem calling men out on their stuff and expecting and asking for what I need and communicating that I am unhappy or sad or mad. It's what happens in the responses or lack of, that jams me up.

 

I also always admit my faults and weaknesses and say I am sorry a lot, a lot. I do this way tooooooo much and should just find some better balance???? Help me LS, lol, please help! My mind is all-a clutter!

 

ME-confused.

 

Thanks to NS for pointing this out to me, (id. crisis) it is very very valuable information and I will sink my teeth into!

[denise_xo]

Any thoughts, insight, help, words, ideas, books you might suggest? I have been to therapy, do self help, practice spirituality, read, etc. so please don't just suggest "go to therapy". I know that could be helpful if I choose to go back.

 

Part of my inner struggle is a (1) a need to please, (2) be compassionate, but also (3) not to take crap from people and not to let men walk on me and behave poorly. I have no problem calling men out on their stuff and expecting and asking for what I need and communicating that I am unhappy or sad or mad. It's what happens in the responses or lack of, that jams me up.

 

I also always admit my faults and weaknesses and say I am sorry a lot, a lot. I do this way tooooooo much and should just find some better balance???? Help me LS, lol, please help! My mind is all-a clutter!

 

ME-confused.

 

Thanks to NS for pointing this out to me, (id. crisis) it is very very valuable information and I will sink my teeth into!

 

 

In terms of what you should do - when you say 'practice spirituality', have you tried meditation or yoga? Alternatively, something that focuses on physical exercise or dance? Seems to me you need some physical 'grounding' and getting physical with your body (ideally in conjunction with something that blocks out your mind - e.g. a dance where you need to focus on coordinating body movements, rather than running where you mind can still free float around your 'was it him was it me' circles). IME, If you have on over active brain, it's good to find physical ways of helping to still the mind or block out some of those streams of thought. Therapy is helpful but it usually focuses on cognitive patterns, using your body physically is a very different entry point to the same kind of issues. I've done stuff like tai chi and belly dancing, they're both really fun, too. Alternatively, eerie reveerie has a thread right now in the 'health' section on bikram yoga where she talks about similar kinds of effects.

 

Maybe you just also have to practice taking more seriously that you can't please everyone and part of life is pissing people off now and then. It doesn't mean that you should do so deliberately with that in mind, but it just comes with the human territory.

 

I've also had good use of a book by Patsy Rodenburg called 'Presence' (UK)/ 'The Second Circle' (US). It gives practical (physical) exercises for becoming a bit more grounded. It's readily available on amazon.

[catgotyourtongue]

In terms of what you should do - when you say 'practice spirituality', have you tried meditation or yoga? Alternatively, something that focuses on physical exercise or dance? Seems to me you need some physical 'grounding' and getting physical with your body (ideally in conjunction with something that blocks out your mind - e.g. a dance where you need to focus on coordinating body movements, rather than running where you mind can still free float around your 'was it him was it me' circles). IME, If you have on over active brain, it's good to find physical ways of helping to still the mind or block out some of those streams of thought. Therapy is helpful but it usually focuses on cognitive patterns, using your body physically is a very different entry point to the same kind of issues. I've done stuff like tai chi and belly dancing, they're both really fun, too. Alternatively, eerie reveerie has a thread right now in the 'health' section on bikram yoga where she talks about similar kinds of effects.

 

Maybe you just also have to practice taking more seriously that you can't please everyone and part of life is pissing people off now and then. It doesn't mean that you should do so deliberately with that in mind, but it just comes with the human territory.

 

I've also had good use of a book by Patsy Rodenburg called 'Presence' (UK)/ 'The Second Circle' (US). It gives practical (physical) exercises for becoming a bit more grounded. It's readily available on amazon.

 

 

Hi, thank you so much for posting, I really do want feedback, thoughts.

 

1. Yes I do meditate and am part of a buddhist center

2. Been physically active all my life, work out 5 days a week, sometimes 6 Have major medical issues as well, so can't hit it hard. But fitness has been key all my life. Huge achievement given my issues. I would die without it. I can't do yoga and other things, use to dance a lot, can't anymore. Injuries too severe.

3. YES so true, about me needing to get past or work through the ideas, thoughts that some people will be pissed and unhappy with me and my actions. I am better with it than I used to be, and need to keep progressing, so good point!

 

Will check out the book, thanks!

 

Thank you, all good thoughts.

[FreeheartLover]

Hi

-really looking for input, thoughts, and if you can relate, not at all, etc.

 

Based on input from another thread, the words "identity crisis" came up. Someone pointed out to me, (and rightly so) that I seemed to have an "identity crisis". I did not want to threadjack too much, so I am starting new one.

 

It hit me in stomach as I know it to be true, but no one ever said it me, or told me I had one. I do have an internal struggle with my identity when I date. I don't always know who I am, and have a hard time, very hard at times, deciphering what is "my sh**" and what is not. I know both parties bring preferences, ideals, values, etc., and both will bring sensitivities, baggage, strengths etc.

 

I get lost in my identity in the process. For instance:

 

(1) I bring something to someones attention "What you said was insensitive, and a little rude" and they reply with something like "you didn't see what you did, you emasculated me and made me look like a jerk" whatever the case may be.

 

If I offend someone and they come back, and tell me what I did wrong, or poorly or angrily, I then go through a maze of "was it him" "is it me" "is he a jerk and selfish" "am I controlling and do I expect too much" and the list goes on.

 

It is within the walls of these events, conversations I either can't find my identity or change my mind based on their reaction to me. I react too soon, speak too soon, get too defensive, change my mind, apologize, sulk, I waffle too much, apologize all the time, start ruffling feathers, feathers get ruffled and I then I over apologize, and the list goes on. This is on my bad days and conversations, not always. I can often approach a subject and be rational, strong, secure in my beliefs, stand, etc. I am a strong person, who is weak...odd balance. I am seeking input for when I waffle, what might I do to waffle less, lol.

 

I do not quite know where to find a solid medium, balance, and SELF in this. It drives me crazy because I then sit in the "what was this, why, what's mine, what's his responsibility" phase for ever...it seems.

 

Any thoughts, insight, help, words, ideas, books you might suggest? I have been to therapy, do self help, practice spirituality, read, etc. so please don't just suggest "go to therapy". I know that could be helpful if I choose to go back.

 

Part of my inner struggle is a (1) a need to please, (2) be compassionate, but also (3) not to take crap from people and not to let men walk on me and behave poorly. I have no problem calling men out on their stuff and expecting and asking for what I need and communicating that I am unhappy or sad or mad. It's what happens in the responses or lack of, that jams me up.

 

I also always admit my faults and weaknesses and say I am sorry a lot, a lot. I do this way tooooooo much and should just find some better balance???? Help me LS, lol, please help! My mind is all-a clutter!

 

ME-confused.

 

Thanks to NS for pointing this out to me, (id. crisis) it is very very valuable information and I will sink my teeth into!

 

(1) I think you're lacking one important aspect of interpesonal communication: perception.

Everyone percieves events and interactions differently, perhaps they recieve the message you sent and when they decode it, it means something entirely different than how you meant it to be sent.

 

(2) It's important to remember that men and women think totally differently. Women are emotion-oriented, men are goal-oriented. We valued and base our self-esteem on different things: women on their looks and relationships, men on their achievements and success.

So when he says you emasculated me, he's percieving your message as offensive or a hit to hit male ego, and in turn, gives you this feedback you didn't expect.

I would suggest phrasing comments, questions, etc as a goal-oriented statement for the guy. Like...instead of "You stink" you say "I really like this cologne, why don't you wear it?"

 

(3) Don't base your self-image on other people's feedback. Am I selfish? Am I wrong? Was it him or me? Am I controlling?

 

People's personalities generally do not change relationship to relationship. You are no more selfish or controlling now than you were 5 years ago - unless you underwent some traumatic thing that changed your behavior. We all "act" to a certain extent when in a relationship. The challenge is to know when you're not being authentic and recognize that, and push that desire to accomodate and be kind at all times aside, and just be honest and be yourself. Say what you feel in a way that is understandable, makes sense, and can garner effective feedback.

Instead of saying, Do I make you happy? say What about me makes you happy?

Instead of saying, Did I do something wrong? say What is bothering you?

Ask questions that require a detailed response.

 

I don't think you're having an identity crisis. I think you're having a communication crisis. You need to focus not on changing how you are, but how you communicate. Write down a bunch of problems you have and questions you might ask your mate, then think about how you could phrase it differently next time so you get the real message you intended accross to the recipient.

[catgotyourtongue]

(1) I think you're lacking one important aspect of interpesonal communication: perception.

Everyone percieves events and interactions differently, perhaps they recieve the message you sent and when they decode it, it means something entirely different than how you meant it to be sent.

 

YES true, perception is huge, thanks. Absolutely.

 

(2) It's important to remember that men and women think totally differently. Women are emotion-oriented, men are goal-oriented. We valued and base our self-esteem on different things: women on their looks and relationships, men on their achievements and success.

So when he says you emasculated me, he's percieving your message as offensive or a hit to hit male ego, and in turn, gives you this feedback you didn't expect.

I would suggest phrasing comments, questions, etc as a goal-oriented statement for the guy. Like...instead of "You stink" you say "I really like this cologne, why don't you wear it?"

 

Well I was using the "emasculated" sentence as a for instance, I am not dating anyone, it was just a hypothetical. But yes I have learned over the last few years that how I phrase things is critical, and I can communicate a lot better now. I know I am on right track, but it just is difficult to see the progress at times when set backs are huge, but I work diligent on this in my life when I can. Asking questions is way better than making blanket statements, for sure. It does help.

 

 

(3) Don't base your self-image on other people's feedback. Am I selfish? Am I wrong? Was it him or me? Am I controlling?

 

People's personalities generally do not change relationship to relationship. You are no more selfish or controlling now than you were 5 years ago - unless you underwent some traumatic thing that changed your behavior. We all "act" to a certain extent when in a relationship. The challenge is to know when you're not being authentic and recognize that, and push that desire to accomodate and be kind at all times aside, and just be honest and be yourself. Say what you feel in a way that is understandable, makes sense, and can garner effective feedback.

Instead of saying, Do I make you happy? say What about me makes you happy?

Instead of saying, Did I do something wrong? say What is bothering you?

Ask questions that require a detailed response.

 

Good insight.

 

I don't think you're having an identity crisis. I think you're having a communication crisis. You need to focus not on changing how you are, but how you communicate. Write down a bunch of problems you have and questions you might ask your mate, then think about how you could phrase it differently next time so you get the real message you intended accross to the recipient.

 

I DO have a communication crisis, and yet am shocked that no matter how hard I work on it, it's still so difficult. I am also picking men, I find, that are really not great at it (communication) lately, and I can't do it alone. I think that is why I sent this post. My last few guys that I dated, a few months ago, were terrible communicators, god love em, good guys, poor communicators, at best. I mean bad. So no matter what style or method I tried, it was tough. I know that I can not date more men like this, the struggle is too hard. When I am with a male who can communicate well, or at least try, I do way better and feel strong and empowered. I AM my worst critic no doubt.

 

It is getting better over the years, but it's still an issue.

 

Thanks for your time, words and thoughts, means a lot.

[FreeheartLover]

I DO have a communication crisis, and yet am shocked that no matter how hard I work on it, it's still so difficult. I am also picking men, I find, that are really not great at it (communication) lately, and I can't do it alone. I think that is why I sent this post. My last few guys that I dated, a few months ago, were terrible communicators, god love em, good guys, poor communicators, at best. I mean bad. So no matter what style or method I tried, it was tough. I know that I can not date more men like this, the struggle is too hard. When I am with a male who can communicate well, or at least try, I do way better and feel strong and empowered. I AM my worst critic no doubt.

 

It is getting better over the years, but it's still an issue.

 

Thanks for your time, words and thoughts, means a lot.

 

It's hard to find someone who is a good communicator.

[catgotyourtongue]

It's hard to find someone who is a good communicator.

 

Yup totally agree. Hard to meet, find one who can communicate well. No matter what method, most feel you are nagging, no matter what, lol.

 

When I was a way worse communicator, (many years ago) I had the good fortune of meeting a few men who were good communicators. I did not have the skills and experience at the time to meet them at that level, and I always wish I had. They were good people and communicators. Onward, and upward.

 

I have a lot more tools in my belt now! Better words, more rational thoughts and approaches. Big learning curve still ahead.

[FreeheartLover]

Yup totally agree. Hard to meet, find one who can communicate well. No matter what method, most feel you are nagging, no matter what, lol.

 

When I was a way worse communicator, (many years ago) I had the good fortune of meeting a few men who were good communicators. I did not have the skills and experience at the time to meet them at that level, and I always wish I had. They were good people and communicators. Onward, and upward.

 

I have a lot more tools in my belt now! Better words, more rational thoughts and approaches. Big learning curve still ahead.

 

My boyfriend is a great communicator, and I've seen myself change as well through my interaction with him. Good practice needs a good person to practice it with.

[catgotyourtongue]

My boyfriend is a great communicator, and I've seen myself change as well through my interaction with him. Good practice needs a good person to practice it with.

 

That is awesome, I am so glad for you. I know what I want, when I am ready. It's hard to know though how other people are. I have met many men who seemed very capable and communicative very early on, and then it quickly changed. My ex boyfriend who is a very close friend still, he and I really, really worked hard at communication together, so I am proud of that, but it was still a train wreck and "we" became like therapy and tried too hard, it was a mess. We are beautifully suited as friends.

 

So glad you have something nice with your current BF.