bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Ah, bent, I think you do know... You assumed she wanted to save the relationship...I didn't. I see it as saving her emotional well being until she can move on to the next phase of life. Or just payback. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 MM had to tell his partner that he needed to take medical leave for the rehab. He told him he didn't want to be away from his family for the biggest holidays of the year. His wife told him that was the only way she would allow him to stay in the house. The partner had to tell some of the other employees about MM's absence since they had to take over his work. The partner shared a little more detail than he should've with the employees. I don't agree with him doing that. He obviously really wants to stay in that house then! Link to post Share on other sites
redcurls Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Wow...that is too much...what a wonderful life spending it as the gatekeeper...oh no way, I'd be gone. Right?? Me too! Poof - like magic! I would hop on my broom and fly away! Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Right?? Me too! Poof - like magic! I would hop on my broom and fly away! I'd be filing my nails & calling an attorney.... When my nails were dry I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater, but this is a little different Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastLaugh Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I do believe he has a couple of addictions. He had been in therapy for the last 2 years for porn addiction. His wife had banned him to the guest bedroom for at least a year because of constantly catching him viewing porn at home. The porn was causing him to lose productivity at work because he was always watching it there. His wife took away his Blackberry twice because she saw that he had downloaded pics of naked women. She had a company install filters on his computer at work last year so that he couldn't access porn, but he found a way around the filters. He said that 20 years ago when he and his wife lived with her mom when they were first married, he had ordered a porn movie on his MIL's tv and when the bill came in, both his MIL and wife confronted him about it. I think the porn addiction has been around longer than the cheating/sex addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
redcurls Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I'd be filing my nails & calling an attorney.... When my nails were dry I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater, but this is a little different I don't think that once a cheater always a cheater, but this fine specimen, "sex addict" or not - yeah, any of you ladies wants to volunteer to be his next mistress? Link to post Share on other sites
KarmasTestDummy Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 And I think this guy has the potential to be a pedophile if it was his last resort to feed his addiction. Ugh disgusting. And you were with him for years and didn't catch onto this behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I'd be filing my nails & calling an attorney.... When my nails were dry I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater, but this is a little different :lmao::lmao:, that was funny Heather! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Wow, I'm really surprised at the lack of compassion, especially coming from the OW! This guy is an addict. What happened to treating people with mental problems with sympathy? Wasn't that an argument in a thread not too long ago? Where is the compassion for him? Where is the understanding that his family and friends are trying to help him, even if it does take the form of being a prison ward? He obviously has uncontrollable behaviors akin to someone who is obsessive compulsive. Ha, I thought I was unsympathetic in terms of infidelity, you guys are harsh. I was M to 3 sex addicts, trust me, it's not fun, they all cheated and have never been able to overcome the addiction. It's not about a lack of compassion. I played that monitoring game for a short time, guess what...IT DOESN'T WORK:) Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 And I think this guy has the potential to be a pedophile if it was his last resort to feed his addiction. Ugh disgusting. And you were with him for years and didn't catch onto this behavior? The potential is very high BTW, most sex addicts were sexually abused as children. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I do believe he has a couple of addictions. He had been in therapy for the last 2 years for porn addiction. His wife had banned him to the guest bedroom for at least a year because of constantly catching him viewing porn at home. The porn was causing him to lose productivity at work because he was always watching it there. His wife took away his Blackberry twice because she saw that he had downloaded pics of naked women. She had a company install filters on his computer at work last year so that he couldn't access porn, but he found a way around the filters. He said that 20 years ago when he and his wife lived with her mom when they were first married, he had ordered a porn movie on his MIL's tv and when the bill came in, both his MIL and wife confronted him about it. I think the porn addiction has been around longer than the cheating/sex addiction. Is he a drug user? Some are. It is an extremely sad life to lead. The guilt they experience is unreal...which in turn causes the very addiction, and thus the cycle begins. The problem with this and other addictions is they have to have more and more...once one form isn't "doing it" anymore new levels are experienced...it is progressive... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastLaugh Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I do have compassion, but I also know the levels that he went to in order to circumvent the stopchecks that were put in to place to help him. I think his addiction has grown by leaps and bounds because his wife has an unhealthy attitude towards sex and basic human nature. Twice she caught her teenage daughter masturbating and grounded the girl for it. She told the girl that she was bad for doing that and that she must take after her dad. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I do have compassion, but I also know the levels that he went to in order to circumvent the stopchecks that were put in to place to help him. I think his addiction has grown by leaps and bounds because his wife has an unhealthy attitude towards sex and basic human nature. Twice she caught her teenage daughter masturbating and grounded the girl for it. She told the girl that she was bad for doing that and that she must take after her dad. Well we knew this was coming....it's the wife's fault he does porn, cheats and is generally an azz. What other way could it be? Link to post Share on other sites
redcurls Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I do believe he has a couple of addictions. He had been in therapy for the last 2 years for porn addiction. His wife had banned him to the guest bedroom for at least a year because of constantly catching him viewing porn at home. The porn was causing him to lose productivity at work because he was always watching it there. His wife took away his Blackberry twice because she saw that he had downloaded pics of naked women. She had a company install filters on his computer at work last year so that he couldn't access porn, but he found a way around the filters. He said that 20 years ago when he and his wife lived with her mom when they were first married, he had ordered a porn movie on his MIL's tv and when the bill came in, both his MIL and wife confronted him about it. I think the porn addiction has been around longer than the cheating/sex addiction. My point exactly. What did all this monitoring and blocking do for the wife, or for him, for that matter? Nothing. If the wife KNEW all these years what and who she is dealing with, and still stayed and raised a family with him - I have no compassion for either one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastLaugh Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 The potential is very high BTW, most sex addicts were sexually abused as children. He wasn't sexually abused as a child, but his dad was very cold and stoic towards him. He used to talk about that a lot. He doesn't do drugs. I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. Our first time together was not great. He was nervous, self conscious, and couldn't 'perform' for at least the first month or two. He was embarrassed about it, but once he realized how much I loved being with him, regardless of what happened, the 'problem' solved itself. Now he is like night and day. I put him on such a high pedestal in so many ways that over the years he became arrogant and cocky. I noticed that that was when he started straying from me too. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 He wasn't sexually abused as a child, but his dad was very cold and stoic towards him. He used to talk about that a lot. He doesn't do drugs. I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. Our first time together was not great. He was nervous, self conscious, and couldn't 'perform' for at least the first month or two. He was embarrassed about it, but once he realized how much I loved being with him, regardless of what happened, the 'problem' solved itself. Now he is like night and day. I put him on such a high pedestal in so many ways that over the years he became arrogant and cocky. I noticed that that was when he started straying from me too. Now it is dad's fault too. At what point does an adult take responsibility for their own actions? Why wait for another person to build self(the key word being SELF) esteem? If you are waiting on someone to build it..it means someone can tear it down. Sounds like a big kid that needs a pamper and a pacifier. Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I totally have compassion, except for when the addiction controls the R & it comes down to them or you, especially w/ a family. The golden rule of recovery is THEY have to want it, otherwise nothing you do will stop them & it's a matter of how many jump into the sinking ship. Kind of surprises me he disclosed all this to you & you still hopped aboard? Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. LOL, I'm sorry, this makes no sense. Instead of figuring out OM & his W, you really need to look at how you could have ever believed that BullS paragraph. I'm afraid for your choices....& I'm an OW! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Truly, that sucks that you had to go through that. But I don't think your 3 sex addicts is exemplary of every sex addict in the world. Oh of course not, many recover as some do from drugs. There has to be a strong desire from the addict. My three didn't want to change as it was so apart of their very being. I saw me as the problem, so the last one I used the monitoring technique. I'm thinking his W sees that he is not sincere so feels she should monitor, I've been there, my heart goes out to all of them. Also if his W knew about the porn crap, she mostlikely didn't want to have sex with him...for me, I felt like I was feeding his addiction...weird I know:o Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastLaugh Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I totally have compassion, except for when the addiction controls the R & it comes down to them or you, especially w/ a family. The golden rule of recovery is THEY have to want it, otherwise nothing you do will stop them & it's a matter of how many jump into the sinking ship. Kind of surprises me he disclosed all this to you & you still hopped aboard? I think we had a codependent relationship. It wasn't healthy for either of us, we knew it, but we could never make a clean break. We kept coming back to each other over and over. Neither of us had ever had that kind of passion with someone else. I don't know that I ever will, but I'm sure not going to pine for him. I'll leave that to the other women that he was sleeping with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LastLaugh Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. LOL, I'm sorry, this makes no sense. Instead of figuring out OM & his W, you really need to look at how you could have ever believed that BullS paragraph. I'm afraid for your choices....& I'm an OW! I'm most definitely a trusting person and rarely doubt what someone tells me when it is of a very personal nature. I don't think that will ever change. I really didn't find that hard to believe though. i know people who marry their only sex partner, and I know people who are married and have self esteem issues that stem from the spouse not wanting sex anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 He wasn't sexually abused as a child, but his dad was very cold and stoic towards him. He used to talk about that a lot. He doesn't do drugs. I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. Our first time together was not great. He was nervous, self conscious, and couldn't 'perform' for at least the first month or two. He was embarrassed about it, but once he realized how much I loved being with him, regardless of what happened, the 'problem' solved itself. Now he is like night and day. I put him on such a high pedestal in so many ways that over the years he became arrogant and cocky. I noticed that that was when he started straying from me too. How sad...your story sounds a little like what I dealt with concerning exDM...I can tell you this much, he was abused severely in some way and it's coming out in the form of sex. ExDM was ashamed all of the time...I thought it to be really weird that he came off like a casanova, although if he was called on, I know for a fact he would freak out. They live very desparate lonely lives...it's really sad. Just be very glad you don't have to deal with it:) Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I'm most definitely a trusting person and rarely doubt what someone tells me when it is of a very personal nature. I don't think that will ever change. I really didn't find that hard to believe though. i know people who marry their only sex partner, and I know people who are married and have self esteem issues that stem from the spouse not wanting sex anymore. That's true....but then he's got all these other problems too, and multiple women & hasn't told you anything about them, which is why it doesn't make sense. Have you ever gone to CODA (co-dep anon)? You kinda see him as a victim, and that's not really what he is. I hope you can see him for who he really is now & shove whatever feelings you had for the mythical man aside. You know the truth now, let his W deal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I believe that his low self-esteem is what pushed him into the sex addiction. He was shy and a virgin when he met his wife. She was the first and only woman he was ever with. She didn't build up his esteem over the years, so when he started getting attention from women it boosted his ego. He was in a really bad state of self esteem when we got together. She was never giving him sex. This is the biggest crock of crap I've read in a long time. Fact that YOU believe this, just after saying that you put MM on pedistool. Do you (did you) believe every single word that comes (came) out of his mouth? People who are screwed up from their childhoods or past relationships and have issues as adults GET counselling and fix themselves. Sounds like he chose to do whatever he wanted because he felt entitled to. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I took the monitoring as part of the recovery process as an approach to his addiction. Have you ever seen the movie Trainspotting? There is a scene where the parents take their drug addicted son and literally tie him to his bed and lock him in his room to detox him. Obviously an extreme case, but not entirely unheard of. People do desperate things in desperate situations. I thought of the wife's wiring of her husband the same way someone may remove all the alcohol in their house, right down to the after shave. I do agree that change has to happen from within, but often people have to be forced to see the light. I am giving the BS the benefit of the doubt. I'm taking into account that they have a family and shared 20+ years, including their own romantic history (as dry as the OW may paint it to be). I also believe she may be thinking of her finances and future financial issues. Also, when I read peoples' stories, I often take it from a perspective of, How would I react in this situation? If I truly believed that my husband was a sex addict and what he is doing is a compulsion he cannot control, then I would do everything reasonably possible to see him get better. Maybe the BS is thinking along the same lines? No I haven't seen that movie...thank you, I'll check it out:). I really hope that this technique works...I really hope she gets help for herself also...she has been through hell and back. She has to do what she thinks is right, if she didn't she may always feel like she abandoned ship too soon...All of the people involved have had it really hard.... Link to post Share on other sites
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