Just desserts.....

[pureinheart]

I'm a single woman who was the OW. MM is in a marriage of over 20+ years. He's a small business owner and sees many different types of clients in and out of his office. We've been in a relationship for a few years. This whole time he has told me how unhappy both he and his wife are and they are only living in the house together until their daughter graduates high school in 3 years.

 

Our relationship had gone downhill in the last year and a half. He was being less attentive, evasive, and sometimes mean. I broke it off with him a few times, but then he would pull me back in by apologizing and being loving. It was always short-lived. I had suspected that he was talking/sleeping with other women recently. He lied when I asked him. Well, his wife found out about the other women. She immediately sent him out of state to a rehab facility for sex/love addictions. He was there from the week of Thanksgiving through New Years. She made him stay there and miss all the holidays with his family. She made him sit there and tell his side of the family about his multiple affairs, her side of the family, and his entire office of employees. He cried each time. While he was in rehab, she got on his work email, facebook, myspace, and linkedin accounts and waited as these women contacted him so that she could see exactly how many women he was seeing. She then threatened them all to not contact him again. She went to his office every night and every weekend to pick up his mail and go through his office to find other evidence. He had been having his cell phone bill going to his office. She had his office furniture thrown out since he and his mistresses were having sex on it. She moved his office into a small office space with no door so that he couldn't hide anything. She has put security on the front door so that everyone has to be buzzed in so that none of his old girlfriends can come in unannounced. She has put GPS tracking on his vehicle since he would have liasons at hotels (when he told her he was at seminars). It is only accurate within .7 miles, so even when he has been in his office, she has called him asking him where he is at because the GPS shows that he is behind the office building, not inside it. He is sleeping in the basement too and is not allowed to go on any client outings, no more church meetings, no more reunions of any sort. I don't feel bad for him. He lied to me, his wife, and everyone else he was sleeping with. How incredibly arrogant of him to think he could keep doing this and getting away with it.

 

On the other hand, how long can a human being live like that and say enough is a enough, I'd rather be divorced?

 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you starting this thread. It is the first one I have seen in this forum that addresses this issue. There has been talk of this in this forum, although this thread seems to address sex addictions as the topic.

 

I have dealt with many sex addicts, experience causes me to see it a mile away.

 

A few years ago very few took this seriously and it wasn't classified as an addiction...just a "man" thing, blaming the hysterical women, calling them jealous and insecure. What's wrong with the human body...blah blah blah.

 

Anyway, thanks again:)

[Fight4Me]

Does MM and his W happen to live in an at-fault divorce state? IME, dedicated wives often have substantial investments in businesses they and their spouses have built over decades so one potential is she's got a plan of action in mind to protect her investment. She's probably been working on it for a good long time. Perhaps there are yet more surprises to be revealed. Stay out of the vortex. Welcome to LS

 

I think what carhill wrote bears repeating.

 

Also consider they have a daughter, and regardless of what kind of an addict he is, a mother would want to do everything in her power (if there is any hope) to get him on the straight and narrow so he can be some semblance of a decent father. She may have no delusions on continuing this marriage beyond that. It definitely sounds like she has a plan, but is taking her time executing it.

 

If I had to guess (and lets face it, I am), she may have been gathering evidence for quite some time and is just now lowering the boom for maximum effect.

[greengoddess]

I do believe he has a couple of addictions. He had been in therapy for the last 2 years for porn addiction. His wife had banned him to the guest bedroom for at least a year because of constantly catching him viewing porn at home. The porn was causing him to lose productivity at work because he was always watching it there. His wife took away his Blackberry twice because she saw that he had downloaded pics of naked women. She had a company install filters on his computer at work last year so that he couldn't access porn, but he found a way around the filters. He said that 20 years ago when he and his wife lived with her mom when they were first married, he had ordered a porn movie on his MIL's tv and when the bill came in, both his MIL and wife confronted him about it. I think the porn addiction has been around longer than the cheating/sex addiction.

 

lol this guy told you all this crap including that he had other affairs before you and you still slept with him and continued an affair with him for YEARS?

[greengoddess]

I do have compassion, but I also know the levels that he went to in order to circumvent the stopchecks that were put in to place to help him.

 

I think his addiction has grown by leaps and bounds because his wife has an unhealthy attitude towards sex and basic human nature. Twice she caught her teenage daughter masturbating and grounded the girl for it. She told the girl that she was bad for doing that and that she must take after her dad.

OK he the married man told you this. Way off limits and WAY too much information about his family to be sharing with you. Did this not disgust you that he would share this.

 

I don't even believe it. I think this guy was fantasizing about young girls and masturbation and wanted to bring up the conversation with you. It disgusts me that he would use his daughter in this manner.

[OpenBook]

Yes, the W must really love him + have great personal strength to put all that energy into "curing" him of his sexual addiction. I'm sure he loves her too, given that he's staying in the M and acquiescing to all her demands. Clearly he hasn't been loving her WELL (with all that unfaithfulness), and it's a really dicey gamble whether he will change his ways in the future.

 

She's got a really tough road to hoe. I don't envy her.

[greengoddess]

Yes, the W must really love him + have great personal strength to put all that energy into "curing" him of his sexual addiction. I'm sure he loves her too, given that he's staying in the M and acquiescing to all her demands. Clearly he hasn't been loving her WELL (with all that unfaithfulness), and it's a really dicey gamble whether he will change his ways in the future.

 

She's got a really tough road to hoe. I don't envy her.

 

I wouldn't bet on that. I don't think all that surveilence is about curing him or control. She probably gave the sniveling crying man begging her back one last chance for the sake of kids family business etc. She knows he won't be cured. She just wants to make sure she catches his next screw up so she can dump his cheating butt while telling everyone how hard she tried to support him. I highly doubt she has much love left after this.

[SunsetRed]

He'll never leave her. After 20 years of marriage, he has way too much to lose financially if he does. She's his wife, not his legal guardian, she can't send him to sex rehab and make him stay there. If he wanted to be a free man, he'd walk away from all that, but as the saying goes...it's cheaper to keep her.

[greengoddess]

He'll never leave her. After 20 years of marriage, he has way too much to lose financially if he does. She's his wife, not his legal guardian, she can't send him to sex rehab and make him stay there. If he wanted to be a free man, he'd walk away from all that, but as the saying goes...it's cheaper to keep her.

 

 

How absolutely sexist. seriously. You assume because he's the man she is financially dependent on him?

[StarChick]

Man, I hope everyone involved gets tested for STDs. *shudder* I can't imagine the petri dish of surprises waiting to be discovered with this guy.

 

And the wife is awesome. Maybe she's biding her time, making him miserable for awhile while she plans her exit strategy and gathers documentation to use in a divorce. Maybe she wants it to be PERFECTLY CLEAR to the world why she left such a charming fellow. Blech.

 

That's what I would do, anyway. Make him squirm!

[donnamaybe]

Are these the only 2 options? How about throwing this miserable excuse for a man to the curb and start living a happy and rewarding life that does NOT involve playing detective and administering jail sentences? Is this a relationship worth fighting for? Is this a man worth fighting for?

Maybe that's also part of the plan - AFTER she's made him pay and pay dearly.

[jthorne]

The OP said he checked in for sex addiction... and from his countless other women and whatever other things his wife discovered it's probably fair to say he is a sex addict. All that coming out to family and close friends is a part of the recovery process.

 

I'm going to assume you guys wouldn't abandon your loved ones if they have a drug or alcohol addiction, so why is it ok to say "give it up?" and "he'll just cheat again!" to someone who is struggling with a sex addiction?

I'd be with you here, but where is the proof that this guy is a clinically diagnosed sex addict? Where I'm standing, he looks like a plain vanilla ass hat.

 

Sorry, but I think the term "sex addict" gets thrown around far too much.

[redcurls]

Sorry, but I think the term "sex addict" gets thrown around far too much.

 

Precisely. I would like to see how many BSs who post on LS would be so compassionate about an OW who would post about her first, second, or ninth affair, justifying it by being a "sex addict"

[bentnotbroken]

I'd be with you here, but where is the proof that this guy is a clinically diagnosed sex addict? Where I'm standing, he looks like a plain vanilla ass hat.

 

Sorry, but I think the term "sex addict" gets thrown around far too much.

 

 

I agree with this. Sex addicts I believe are a lot less common than people want to believe. Everytime a star gets busted cheating...they are a sex addict. I believe their are addictive personalities, even sex addicts to a degree...but everybody who screws around continually doesn't mean they are addicted. How about just being selfish pricks?

[Spark1111]

Well, I think the wife is fighting for her spouse--she definitely loves him--her marriage, her child and her potential future with this guy.

 

She is taking a make or break attitude with some pretty drastic measures, probably because HE IS the only father her child will ever have.

 

And he is agreeing to them, because he must have expressed true remorse after this last DDAY, so she figures, "Okay, these are the conditions to PROVE you can be a better man," and it IS her last stand.

 

His too.

 

Because NOBODY endures this unless they expect? want? hope? for real change.

 

I bet she has given him a deadline, and he obviously is working like hell to abide by it.

 

Because IT IS so much easier to walk away than to undergo this-- for BOTH of them.

 

Like Elin and Tiger....one shot and if you blow it, I'm divorcing.

 

This was/is a love match, IMO. No surprise to me there. Her lack of sex was just another BS excuse to bed many, many women. How sad. Wonder if Tiger had a lot of success with that one too....

[Spark1111]

PS: Many of us who have successfully reconciled with a mid-life crisising spouse found flirty texts and emails to other woman. It is actually pretty common. It does not denote serial cheating....serial attention seeking maybe like the 17-year old teenager they were behaving like during their affair with the OW.

 

Sorry to burst anyone's bubble here, but it is pretty common!

[donnamaybe]

I get why certain people are bashing the whole idea though. He did, after all, choose the M.

[jthorne]

I get why certain people are bashing the whole idea though. He did, after all, choose the M.

Choose being the operative word. Doesn't look to me like he was forced into anything. Edited January 11, 2011 by jthorne

[stillafool]

Choose being the operative word. Doesn't look to me like he was forced into anything.

 

Yeah, and with all the restrictions his wife has installed, he still chooses to stay with her.

[redcurls]

Yeah, and with all the restrictions his wife has installed, he still chooses to stay with her.

 

And what a lucky woman she is! She won back the "love" and "devotion" of a serial cheater, who may or may not be a sex addict, and whom she will need to monitor closely for the rest of her life! Ah, the bliss in that household!

[donnamaybe]

And what a lucky woman she is! She won back the "love" and "devotion" of a serial cheater, who may or may not be a sex addict, and whom she will need to monitor closely for the rest of her life! Ah, the bliss in that household!

And that's different than an OW/OM continuing an A with a MP for year upon year how?

[xxoo]

And what a lucky woman she is! She won back the "love" and "devotion" of a serial cheater, who may or may not be a sex addict, and whom she will need to monitor closely for the rest of her life! Ah, the bliss in that household!

 

And that's different than an OW/OM continuing an A with a MP for year upon year how?

 

Agreed....he's no prize. No cheater is. Still, they can't cheat without an AP who believes they are worth the trouble and sacrifice, right?

 

Apparently there is no shortage of women willing to attach themselves to known cheaters. They must be really good at something

[Spark1111]

And what a lucky woman she is! She won back the "love" and "devotion" of a serial cheater, who may or may not be a sex addict, and whom she will need to monitor closely for the rest of her life! Ah, the bliss in that household!

 

This is rude to the OP who had an affair with him!

 

I'm sure she too felt quite lucky to have this MM with his cold, stoic father and his frigid, uncaring wife who sparked incredible feelings within her.

 

At least she did during the affair.

 

She had him on a pedestal because she too believed he must have some wonderful redeeming qualities. Maybe his wife sees/has seen those qualities too?

 

Hind sight is always 20/20.

[redcurls]

Apparently there is no shortage of women willing to attach themselves to known cheaters. They must be really good at something

 

Nah. All these women are simply "sex addicts" they just can't help themselves!

[redcurls]

This is rude to the OP who had an affair with him!

.

 

Actually, the OP is the one who finds all this so amusing. I'm simply cheering her on (while shaking my head at the levels of denial and projection on this thread. People, wake up and smell the craziness of this whole situation!)

[herenow]

Hi, I'm Herenow and I'm married to an addict.

 

I can tell you from experinece that most addicts do not get (or accept) help until they are ready to face their addiction. You can't "force" an addict to do something they don't want to do.

 

Having said that, what the OP is telling us is hearsay. She has no idea if the BW has been advised by someone or why she has taken the steps she did. The OP doesn't even know if the information she has is embellished by people who really have no idea what the truth is.

 

Unless the OP has spoken to the BW, she has no real way of knowing what or why the BW is doing what she is doing.

 

For all we know, this is what the MM"s doctors have told the BW to do. The BW may be attending her own meetings to help keep her strong. Again, we don't really know, do we?