zexxa Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Hi, I never really thought I'd be sitting here talking about this issue, but it needs to be fixed. I've been married a little over two years. We married young, I 21 and him 19. Now, on the eve of my 24th birthday I'm trying to sort out why I am not sexually attracted to him. We began dating when I was 16(I know...I'm a cradlerobber). I was very insecure and was just thrilled that a guy liked me and jumped into the relationship headlong. I don't ever really recall being sexually attracted to him then, but I was attracted to the idea of a relationship and the security that it would bring(ie, not being alone at the prom). We continued to date until my sophomore year of college when he wanted to see what else life had to offer and broke up with me. Devastated, I took the semester off and transferred to a college closer to home(leaving a full ride for student loans). Not three weeks after we broke up he was calling me with what essentially equated to booty calls but I was just all to eager to see him and have some semblance of a relationship. Eventually we got back together. On easter almost three years ago he decided we should get married and five months later we did. I am now about to graduate from college and wondering why I got married in the first place. I didn't want a marriage...I wanted a wedding. Now I am stuck in a situation where there is literally no escape. I have suggested counciling, an idea for which I was severely chastised. The only time we have sex at all is when we are high(which was an idea of his to spice things up....I hate it, but I do it to make him happy). I am afraid to leave for fear of my physical safety. My husband has a tendency to enrage and not be able to control his actions...I have had the bruises to prove it. (no one knows about this besides myself and now the internet world. ;( ). I have the opportunity to get a job across country that is well paying and interesting. If I were to take it, I could probably convince him to stay here while I "test the waters" and hope that the separation comes naturally, but that's not really an ideal situation. I'm not even sure if I'd like to be able to salvage the marriage, but I know if I don't it will instantly become my fault(as it would have already been according to his family). We have no children and I don't want any because I disagree with his "parenting" ideas and I don't want to be physically attached to him. What should I do? TL;DR Just leave the thread. The entire story is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 So he's physically abusive, he doesn't want counseling but you have suggested it, and you have the opportunity to start a new life far away? You said there was no escape, but you have a job opportunity far away from him? That sounds like your (golden opportunity) door is wide open to leave! You should probably get a P.O. Box for when you do have to have correspondence with him, he won't know your actual address. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I don't think you should worry about not being sexually attracted to him that's the last of your problems. In my opinion any man that abuses a woman should be slung in jail and th key thrown away. Leave!! Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 What should I do? Leave. You'll find more security on your own than in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Go. Physical abuse is not to be tolerated, it only escalates. I know you don't want two kids 6 years from now watching daddy hit mommy. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 We have no children and I don't want any because I disagree with his "parenting" ideas and I don't want to be physically attached to him. What should I do? TL;DR Just leave the thread. The entire story is needed. A physically abusive drug addict. Do whatever you need to get away from him. Otherwise your going to waste years with him... then cheat... then he will shoot you in the face! Just leave... before you have kids with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zexxa Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 For anyone desiring an update: I had a lengthy discussion with my husband about everything that I posted about. Apparently he didn't understand how serious I was until I started talking about separating legally. We are beginning marriage counseling next week and he'll be starting a separate therapy for his anger issues. He acknowledged that he "treats me like *****" and has basically waited on me for the past few days, he even came in and made dinner and washed dishes! We've also made plans for a much belated honeymoon and mini-vacations throughout the year. We have resolved to "act like we're dating" again because I didn't feel like he was putting forth any effort. Thanks for all the replies, it really spearheaded me having this talk and being serious about it. Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl77 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 OK...I have something to add to this that may open your eyes..I have been in abusive relationships since the age of 16. There is something called "cycle of abuse" and you can read about it here: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/cycle-of-abuse-faq.htm What he is doing may be what is termed the "honeymoon stage" he is trying to lure you back in....from what I know of abusive men, and I have read a lot on the subject....they will never change unless they do the deep inner work that is required to change their behaviors. If you have no attraction to him, perhaps it is b/c he treats you like s***! Been there, done that...Please listen to me here..I have been where you are, but had kids in the mix before I realized what was happening-you are young enough to start over with someone who will treat you well and not lay a hand on you...do a search on "signs of emotional abuse" as well....you will likely see your relationship when you read up on it...then you will understand why you aren't attracted to him!! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 He doesn't sound very sexy to me either. Leave this man to get help alone and only if he proves himself over a period of time should you even consider him but there are so many great men out there to be found and life is short enough to not have to tolerate abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 A physically abusive drug addict. Really? Do you know this guy? Do you know he is addicted to drugs? Are you sure he may not just use them recreationally, like normal 20-something kids? Where's my roll-eye smiley. Either way, I stopped reading as soon as I read physical abuse. There is never an excuse for that. You deserve better than this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I say stay in the sexless, unfulfilling, abusive relationship the guests on Maury are getting boring and I think you'll really spice it up. Here's the link..... www.mauryshow.com Link to post Share on other sites
nicedream Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 you left a full scholarship for him...and he is physically abusive? you sound smart but not smart about people. i am like that too, so maybe i'm projecting. are you out of touch with you feelings? or maybe have issues of insecurity and low self-esteem? obviously, you are intelligent...more intelligent than average. so, there are other reasons why you chose to marry this guy, when he is obviously not treating you well. sometimes people make bad decisions because they are out of touch with their emotions. they make decisions on pure logic. if that is you, take a look at your feelings...your intuition. what are they telling you? or, if you are insecure and afraid of being alone...what makes you think that someone who treats you well wouldn't want to be with you? why do you feel you need to "settle" when you are still in your early 20s? you should never settle for an abusive relationship. people should not stay in physically abusive relationships. however, i believe in marriage, not divorce. if he continues to be physically abusive...just get out of that relationship for good. don't go back!! however, if it was just one incident that doesn't repeat itself, maybe the marriage can be saved. however, keep in mind that truly abusive people get worse with time. if he is showing a pattern of abuse now...it could get worse. i hope that you can work things out...with or without this man. keep posting!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jack & Coke Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Either way, I stopped reading as soon as I read physical abuse. There is never an excuse for that. You deserve better than this guy. Cosign. I was all ready to chime in with some suggestions to help and things to keep in mind, but when I saw that I lost all interest. If the guy is leaving bruises on her then that relationship has problems bigger than sex. Link to post Share on other sites
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