He left me.

[bentnotbroken]

You don't understand what I'm going through so don't even try to play that card with me honey. You're bitter about your own situation so you come her to attack me. My home was never safe. It was always empty thank you.

 

 

You are right I don't understand what you are going through...I wouldn't be in that situation. I said I understood your situation. The one you created. I can see your actions in the things Mr. Messy did after he was busted. All the excuses in the world...but no of those were a reason to defile the home or marital bed. But you will do whatever you need to clear your own conscious...no doubt about that. One can only help you get the help you need to cope differently in the future. Good luck.

[claraj]

She knew this but she didn't want to take that route. She wanted the strange. She knew EXACTLY what was going to happen and she's still making excuses. I hope he pushes for the divorce hard because he never deserved this. Fighting for his country and this is how a hard working man gets repayed.

 

I know what I did was wrong but why do you have to attack me? Huh? I know he didn't deserve this but I'm a human being. Don't I deserve to have feelings? Why are you people so bitter because you got cheated on. Well you're not in my position so back off.

[bentnotbroken]

Husband would never hurt me that way. OM did not deserve that punch by the way.

 

 

What he deserved was a heck of lot more than a punch. But he isn't worth your husband going to jail.

[claraj]

If I were attacking you...you and everyone else would know it. If you see bitter...so be it. It won't change your situation or the pain you caused another human being does it? I didn't come here for you. I have been here for some time. YOU posted on a public forum about what you did to your husband...yet you believe you are the victim. OOOKKKKAAAAYYYY. If that is going help you figure out why you did what you did...go for it. If you thought your home was empty before...I can almost guarantee it will be empty now...if you have one at all.

 

There you go. Keep attacking me because you think you're so better.

 

You are in a situation of your own doing. Maybe you should reach out to those family and friends who can help you figure out your thought processes. Get a counselor, see a clergy member but for God's sake leave your husband alone until he figures out what he wants. If you every gave a damn about him...do that for him.

 

I do care about him.

[bentnotbroken]

There you go. Keep attacking me because you think you're so better.

 

 

 

I do care about him.

 

 

Better...no, just different. And if you really do care....leave him be.

[2themoon&back]

Claraj you do not have to come here and defend yourself and not while you are looking for support to cope with your immediate situation.

 

So read the ones you want to and respond if you feel like it, leave the rest.

 

I believe that some of these posters are just waiting for a situation like yours to post the same things over and over and they are very practiced at it. So for every response you give back they all ready have one on ready to give you. Don’t engage. You do not need to be more upset than you already are because that too is self inflecting more damage IMO.

 

Advice is like going to a buffet, take what you want and can use and leave the rest to someone else.

[thissecretgirl]

Claraj you do not have to come here and defend yourself and not while you are looking for support to cope with your immediate situation.

 

So read the ones you want to and respond if you feel like it, leave the rest.

 

I believe that some of these posters are just waiting for a situation like yours to post the same things over and over and they are very practiced at it. So for every response you give back they all ready have one on ready to give you. Don’t engage. You do not need to be more upset than you already are because that too is self inflecting more damage IMO.

 

Advice is like going to a buffet, take what you want and can use and leave the rest to someone else.

 

Claraj sorry you are hurting.

 

This is really good advice. There is so much projecting on this board and posts like yours will bear the brunt of it.

 

Look, its a mess and it's still very raw, particularly for your husband. People say all sorts in anger. I'm sure even people on this forum have said similar to their partners when they discovered their husbands/wifes affairs and are still together. There are many apparently who decide to make it work.

 

Give it some time to settle and be ready to answer his questions. You really need to decide what you want though, whether it's your husband or the OM and if you both do decide to work it out, you need to take into account how you will managhe his working away.

 

In the meantime, its a very emotional time all round. You really dont need to add to your own upset by getting attacked here. Constructive advice is good even when its not sugar coated, but there is a difference between constructive comment/criticism and posts that are pure projections of the posters own experiences and feelings.

 

So to reiterate the advice here, pick and choose which posts you think are worthy of response.

 

Look after yourself

 

*hugs*

[dreamingoftigers]

I didn't do it so he could catch me in the action enough with your attacks also. I tried coping as best as I could and I was just tired of being alone. I needed to be filled.

 

I know what it is like to be neglected in a relationship and alone, it is sad and empty. I hope that your emptiness goes away and you can find peace. With finding peace comes responsibility, you cannot possibly expect a husband with the nature of work that he does, to be accessible to your social and sexual needs for every time period you require.

 

Many of these posters have given you material in your situation to work with and you are choosing to view them as attacks when you came here looking for perspective. They don't know you from a hole in the ground so they must be sharing what they know and how they react about your behaviour.

 

Not everyone will be in agreement with your role. In fact, the vast majority won't be.

 

If you are looking for " oh yes, that sucks that you needed to be filled and your husband wasn't around" OR " How could your husband do that to the OM? It wasn't like he was around for you." OR "How could the OM be so bitter about this affair ending? It wasn't the real deal and you apologized about him getting hit?" Then there is something that you are missing.

 

The fact of the matter is simply that you didn't stick with what you were committed to. The markings of a great spouse are self-management. This includes managing your own sexual urges and integrity.

 

Whereas you might be a nice person, or an affectionate spouse, or a supportive one, lacking this self-management does not allow you to be a great spouse. Managing yourself does not depend on what your husband is doing, you retain your integrity regardless.

 

Self-management means that you know when you have hit your limit and how much you are going to take. It means communicating this to your husband in a healthy way and giving him a chance to respond.

 

If you tell him that you are too lonely when he goes away and that you are worried about sustaining a relationship with him, you both would come up with solutions regarding this (and there are always solutions). If he refuses to come to a problem-solving agreement with you to the point where your actions are to give up your intergity or the marriage, you give up the marriage. Every. Damn. Time.

 

It is a big bad crappy world out there with tons and tons of trouble to get into. You don't really have claim to anything including: your house (which you can lose tomorrow through disaster or other means) your body (which can grow ill and rot away) your career (which can end in layoffs or what have you) and your family (which can betray you or simply leave). The only things that are going to keep you any long-term company are God (but maybe you don't believe in him) or your integrity.

 

Never empty your soul to fill your vagina.

 

You don't understand what I'm going through so don't even try to play that card with me honey. You're bitter about your own situation so you come her to attack me. My home was never safe. It was always empty thank you.

 

Perhaps going out with friends or having family come and stay with you might have been a better option.

 

Don't you think I know that? I called to tell him that's it's over obviously because I just saw my husband knock him in his nose. I felt sorry to see that happen to him. I considered him a close friend. It was the least I could do. Damn.

 

This here selects your loyalty to the OM far above your husband. From the earlier draft I thought you were more in shock about your husband leaving but now it appears that truly you are more upset with your husband hurting OM and that you seem very unconcerned with the pain and anger that your husband is going through. You also seem very eager to justify it by saying he was away and you had needs. Do you care about how your husband may be feeling regardless of what the other posters may suggest? Do you feel like you have done anything wrong and that you need to make amends to your husband? Or are you more pissed off that he walked in and caught you and is now telling you that its over?

 

 

Yes I knew husband would be overseas doing dangerous work. He's been doing it before he met me so I know what it was like being alone, but this is the longest he's ever been gone. Part of me didn't think he was going to make it back. We'd only talk like once every other month. Conversations were short and spaced.

 

Personally if I loved my husband and had chosen to be in a married relationship with him, I would be concerned and anxiously awaiting his return, I would try to pass my lonliness with things to improve myself and social activities with people I could help or connect with in a healthy way. Why did you choose the company of another man when you knew that your husband's life was at such a high risk? Does this not seem completely detached to you?

 

Okay. I will quit my job tomorrow even if it will take me a long time to find another one in this recession.

 

The advice was given on the idea that you would want to reconcile with your husband and show him most certainly that you would no longer pursue the affair. If you don't want to reconcile with your H then don't follow the advice. You aren't going anywhere better, but it is your choice. You need to decide what is more important to you, your husband and the life you built together or your job and OM. If I chose a job over my husband, I know that I will have lost my integrity.

 

Husband would never hurt me that way. OM did not deserve that punch by the way.

 

Beg your pardon? OM deserved to be dragged out into the street and curb-stomped! The H is away and this guy invades the marital bed? This is probably the only shaming thing I will say to you: What planet are you from? What is life like there that you think he didn't deserve it?

 

You are lucky to have a husband that wouldn't hurt you in this circumstance. Growing up one of my father's friends did a murder-suicide on the W and then himself. OM locked himself in the bathroom and was wounded. Cheating does traumatic and weird things to people. Never play with fire like that.

 

Thank you very much 2themoon. You are correct in your assumption. My emotions are bouncing back and forth. While I want my husband back, I'm still drawn to OM. I can't shut those feelings off he's been filling for a while.

 

Since you want your husband back, that would be your better bet. OM does not respect relationship boundaries (ie marital bed). Men by that point are unlikely to understand relational boundaries and it appears that you need to learn how to set them, respect them and enforce them yourself. If you and your H don't work out, I wouldn't touch OM with a barge pole.

 

I know what I did was wrong but why do you have to attack me? Huh? I know he didn't deserve this but I'm a human being. Don't I deserve to have feelings? Why are you people so bitter because you got cheated on. Well you're not in my position so back off.

 

A lot of people of this board have been exposed to it in some way. Whether they did or or were a victim of it. Cheating has changed who they are. Cheating wrecked 2 years of my life (and counting). Recovery is long and you have to face all of your own and if you are with your spouse, their demons too if you have any chance of making your marriage survive. Please have a look at After the Affair to gain some perspective on what you have just welcomed your spouse to. You may not realize it at this moment, but no matter how wonderful OM was, it wasn't worth it. You are going to see how not worth it it really was. I would be most scared to be in your position because no matter what, your world has just changed.

 

There you go. Keep attacking me because you think you're so better.

 

I don't know about that poster but seriously, you have bigger things to worry about who is "attacking" you on LS. Try looking at what the posters are actually saying about justification. You are using various reasons as to why you cheated, the thing is all of these reasons fall very short to the consequences of the act.

 

I do care about him.

 

Then go and be with him, pick a direction. The greatest things in life come along when you pick a direction and go with it. A lot of times you learn that you turned the wrong direction, but without going there you may never have known.

 

No matter how this turns out, try to restore your integrity.

[whichwayisup]

Dreaming is right, so many, including myself, have given you some really good advice. The problem is, right now you're nowhere ready to hear it, let alone follow it. In a few days or so, re-read the 'advice' with an open mind and try not to feel attacked. People CAN help you here if you let them. You focussed on some stuff I said to you and completely ignored me telling you to fix you, seeking therapy.

 

Affairs hurt innocent people and can break up familes. Affairs hurt inlaws, cousins, family friends, co workers, collegues and so much more than you realize.

 

One thing to think about, you and your OM have put yourselves in a dangerous situation as well. Your profession and work reputation are at risk as well.

 

And yes, timing sucks as for finding another job, but it can be done, even if you need to take a pay cut, or a different type of job.. If your H asks you to quit your job to help save the marriage, it is something you really need to think about. Your marriage will be much harder to fix if you continue to work with the OM. How is your husband going to trust you if you see and talk to OM every single day?

[woinlove]

I called to tell him that's it's over obviously because I just saw my husband knock him in his nose. I felt sorry to see that happen to him. I considered him a close friend. It was the least I could do. Damn.

:

 

Your husband will be in pain for a while as he deals with this betrayal. Besides figuring out why you behaved the way you did and how you will avoid behaving like this in the future, I think you should try to move to a place where you have the kind of compassion for your husband (most likely, ex-husband, by then) that you have for your "close friend". Then you will look back on the words above that your wrote and realize not only were you not doing "the least you could do" for your husband, while worrying about your friend, but in fact you were treating your husband in a way no one ever deserves to be treated.

[claraj]

I know what it is like to be neglected in a relationship and alone, it is sad and empty. I hope that your emptiness goes away and you can find peace. With finding peace comes responsibility, you cannot possibly expect a husband with the nature of work that he does, to be accessible to your social and sexual needs for every time period you require.

 

Many of these posters have given you material in your situation to work with and you are choosing to view them as attacks when you came here looking for perspective. They don't know you from a hole in the ground so they must be sharing what they know and how they react about your behaviour.

 

Not everyone will be in agreement with your role. In fact, the vast majority won't be.

 

If you are looking for " oh yes, that sucks that you needed to be filled and your husband wasn't around" OR " How could your husband do that to the OM? It wasn't like he was around for you." OR "How could the OM be so bitter about this affair ending? It wasn't the real deal and you apologized about him getting hit?" Then there is something that you are missing.

 

The fact of the matter is simply that you didn't stick with what you were committed to. The markings of a great spouse are self-management. This includes managing your own sexual urges and integrity.

 

Whereas you might be a nice person, or an affectionate spouse, or a supportive one, lacking this self-management does not allow you to be a great spouse. Managing yourself does not depend on what your husband is doing, you retain your integrity regardless.

 

Self-management means that you know when you have hit your limit and how much you are going to take. It means communicating this to your husband in a healthy way and giving him a chance to respond.

 

If you tell him that you are too lonely when he goes away and that you are worried about sustaining a relationship with him, you both would come up with solutions regarding this (and there are always solutions). If he refuses to come to a problem-solving agreement with you to the point where your actions are to give up your intergity or the marriage, you give up the marriage. Every. Damn. Time.

 

It is a big bad crappy world out there with tons and tons of trouble to get into. You don't really have claim to anything including: your house (which you can lose tomorrow through disaster or other means) your body (which can grow ill and rot away) your career (which can end in layoffs or what have you) and your family (which can betray you or simply leave). The only things that are going to keep you any long-term company are God (but maybe you don't believe in him) or your integrity.

 

Never empty your soul to fill your vagina.

 

 

 

Perhaps going out with friends or having family come and stay with you might have been a better option.

 

 

 

The advice was given on the idea that you would want to reconcile with your husband and show him most certainly that you would no longer pursue the affair. If you don't want to reconcile with your H then don't follow the advice. You aren't going anywhere better, but it is your choice. You need to decide what is more important to you, your husband and the life you built together or your job and OM. If I chose a job over my husband, I know that I will have lost my integrity.

 

 

 

Beg your pardon? OM deserved to be dragged out into the street and curb-stomped! The H is away and this guy invades the marital bed? This is probably the only shaming thing I will say to you: What planet are you from? What is life like there that you think he didn't deserve it?

 

You are lucky to have a husband that wouldn't hurt you in this circumstance. Growing up one of my father's friends did a murder-suicide on the W and then himself. OM locked himself in the bathroom and was wounded. Cheating does traumatic and weird things to people. Never play with fire like that.

 

 

 

Since you want your husband back, that would be your better bet. OM does not respect relationship boundaries (ie marital bed). Men by that point are unlikely to understand relational boundaries and it appears that you need to learn how to set them, respect them and enforce them yourself. If you and your H don't work out, I wouldn't touch OM with a barge pole.

 

 

 

A lot of people of this board have been exposed to it in some way. Whether they did or or were a victim of it. Cheating has changed who they are. Cheating wrecked 2 years of my life (and counting). Recovery is long and you have to face all of your own and if you are with your spouse, their demons too if you have any chance of making your marriage survive. Please have a look at After the Affair to gain some perspective on what you have just welcomed your spouse to. You may not realize it at this moment, but no matter how wonderful OM was, it wasn't worth it. You are going to see how not worth it it really was. I would be most scared to be in your position because no matter what, your world has just changed.

 

There you go. Keep attacking me because you think you're so better.

 

I don't know about that poster but seriously, you have bigger things to worry about who is "attacking" you on LS. Try looking at what the posters are actually saying about justification. You are using various reasons as to why you cheated, the thing is all of these reasons fall very short to the consequences of the act.

 

I do care about him.

 

Then go and be with him, pick a direction. The greatest things in life come along when you pick a direction and go with it. A lot of times you learn that you turned the wrong direction, but without going there you may never have known.

 

No matter how this turns out, try to restore your integrity.

 

Thank you for such sound advice. I've been trying to decide what I need to do. Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

[Woggle]

I am sorry you are dealing with this but you created this situation. If this marriage falls apart you have nobody to blame but yourself. I am not trying to beat up on you but did you expect him to just be okay with this? You also still seem to be somewhat blaming your husband which is not a good sign. Why not just give him a divorce and let him go?

[woinlove]

Thank you for such sound advice. I've been trying to decide what I need to do. Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

 

Good for you for telling the truth. Your husband knowing you were thinking of OM's feelings, rather than his, in the immediate aftermath of discovery, must be very painful, but he deserved to know the truth so he can make decisions based on that.

 

As others have advised, you should get counselling and figure out why you put yourself in this situation. From your earlier response, it sounds like you plan to continue working with OM, which often leads to divorce even when both spouses are fully committed to reconciling and no one had to see the other "in the act" or had past experiences which intensify the pain. Perhaps it is only some routine or security that makes part of you want to reconcile. If so, you will find a new routine and new security. Look inside - the answers to why you risked your marriage and are now not willing to do much to save it are inside yourself.

[TigerCub]

Claraj,

 

When I was reading your post and all the responses, I felt kinda bad for you because you felt so attacked. But then I read this....

Yes I knew husband would be overseas doing dangerous work. He's been doing it before he met me so I know what it was like being alone, but this is the longest he's ever been gone. Part of me didn't think he was going to make it back. We'd only talk like once every other month. Conversations were short and spaced.

 

So your husband is away working, doing something dangerous that even makes YOU think that he may not make it back, and so what do you do, work on your plans to move on?

Express your worry and concern by screwing another man?!

 

I dunno, I'm certainly no saint, but reading that just makes me sick.

 

You thought that he might be in danger and MAY NOT MAKE IT BACK, and so you cheated on him (or maybe you thought, its not really cheating if he's dead **cross your fingers** here's hoping!!) . Its clear that you don't care in the least for this guy.

[bentnotbroken]

 

Thank you for such sound advice. I've been trying to decide what I need to do. Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

 

 

Hostile=in sever pain. Pain he did not cause. And you are right reconciliation may not be for you and it is more than likely in this case...not your decision. He needed to hear the truth from you even if it added to his pain. That will help him make the decisions he needs to make. It can't be stressed enough counseling, counseling, counseling.

[What_Next]

Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

 

Honestly (and NO I am NOT trying to attack you), reconciliation sounds like it is NOT for you. Move on. Period.

 

Do you have feelings for the OM? Did you envision a future with him? Was it just about the sex? Honestly, I'd like to find your husband and shake his hand. I never got the chance to "meet" my wives OM in person, and if I did, I'd do PRECISELY what he did. Only I'd not stop with a punch.

 

Now before you jump on me, I'll tell you that I am in the process of reconciling with my wife. She NEVER cheated in our marital bed, and if she had I'd have thrown her a$$ out. As it is we now live seperately, our finances are seperate and it will take YEARS to recover.

 

Are you willing to go through whatever is necessary to attempt a recovery? If you are, then STOP! Leave your husband alone. If he is angry, then sit there, keep quiet and DEAL WITH IT!

 

To say I am gobsmacked by your thread is the understatement of the year thus far. You are obviously a massively selfish person that appears to only care for herself. If you are truly willing to ask for forgiveness and try and help your husband through this, the very first thing you must change is YOU!

[xxoo]

OP, it seems like you were expecting your H to handle discovery of your affair differently. You seem shocked that he left you, shocked that he is hostile, shocked that he punched the OM. You are very sure your H would never hurt you that way.

 

How did you expect him to react? Was there a reaction you were hoping to provoke? Maybe some passion from him, fighting to keep you?

 

As others have said here, there is nothing shocking to me about his reaction thus far. He's been dealt a terrible blow (far worse than a punch to the jaw, although 2 wrongs don't make a right), and then learns that you made a phone call to console the OM

[stillafool]

I know what I've done was wrong but he wasn't there for me a lot. He just came back from doing secret jobs for a U.S. agency for almost a year with minimal contact. I just couldn't handle the pain of being alone. I called my co-worker 30 minutes ago and told him I was sorry he got hit in his jaw but I can't do the affair no more. He said fine angrily then hung up. I don't know why some of you people are so bitter and mean. Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy?

 

 

I am so tired of hearing that people cheat because of the above. How needy are people anyway? If you know your husband's job keeps him away for long periods you have to find a way to keep yourself busy other than sleeping around (in your husband's bed)!

 

He will never, ever get that picture out of his mind; you in his bed with another man so the best thing to do now is pick yourself up, wash yourself off, and think about where you are going to go and what you are going to do. Forgive yourself for this and learn from this mistake so you won't lose your next man. Your husband is gone.

[NoLongerSad]

My name is Clara and I'm a WW and have been married for 7 years. He's 36 and I'm 31. I cheated on my husband for 9 months. Husband caught me and my co-worker in our marital bed this evening and he pulled OM off of me and hit him, then dragged him out of the house, yelling that he better not see him in his house again. He packed a bag and told me he will file for divorce because he will not go through what his father went through when he was a teen. I begged him to not leave me and we can work it out. He said f*ck you and left. I'm in the bed crying with my laptop in my hands. I don't know what to do. This has happened so fast that I still can't get my head around it.

 

 

My only suggestion is that you try to avoid getting the moisture from your tears on your laptop; it might damage your computer.

[NoLongerSad]

I know what I've done was wrong but he wasn't there for me a lot. He just came back from doing secret jobs for a U.S. agency for almost a year with minimal contact. I just couldn't handle the pain of being alone. I called my co-worker 30 minutes ago and told him I was sorry he got hit in his jaw but I can't do the affair no more. He said fine angrily then hung up. I don't know why some of you people are so bitter and mean. Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy?

 

 

??? You cheated on a spook??? Be thankful he didn't cap your azz.

[NoLongerSad]

Then you better figure out why you were having a nine month affair.

 

Because it took her three months to find a willing affair partner, obviously.

[NoLongerSad]

You don't understand what I'm going through so don't even try to play that card with me honey. You're bitter about your own situation so you come her to attack me. My home was never safe. It was always empty thank you.

 

Yeah but that's because you were in it.

[stillafool]

While I want my husband back, I'm still drawn to OM. I can't shut those feelings off he's been filling for a while.

 

This is why you should leave your husband alone. As long as you still have these feelings for the OM coupled with what you have done; it is really selfish to want your husband to come back to a nightmare.

[whichwayisup]

He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile?

 

You allow him time and space. He probably isn't ready to talk to you, though when he does, it'll be on his terms. Be patient.

 

IN the meantime, find a therapist to help you. You haven't acknowledged doing that to fix "you". If you are truly want your marriage, fight for it. Forget OM. He was a willing partner in helping you betray your husband in the worst way. He is a grown man and can handle life without you, so don't worry about him.

 

By the way, have no expectations, your H just found out the truth in the worse possible way .. ALLOW HIM time to deal with this on his own.

[alexandria35]

 

So yesterday you desperately wanted your husband and your marriage, but since your husband hung up on you today now your thinking 'meh....maybe not'.

 

Wow! you have no idea the pain you have caused and I don't think you are going to have the commitment and fortitude to go through this with your husband. If your husband decides to stay with you, he is going to be very angry for a very long time. I don't think you have the maturity or empathy that would be required of you to achieve a succesfull reconcillation. Probably divorce would be best for you and your husband, especially your husband, given his line of work. He would be tormented beyond belief everytime he leaves for his job, wondering what his wife is up to at home.

 

I think your OM did deserve that punch. Any man knows that when he decides to sleep with another man's wife (and in his bed, no less) he is risking a good ass kicking. I'm surprised your husband stopped at just one punch.