He left me.

[whichwayisup]

I hope she comes back..Maybe when she realizes that we are just trying to help her, as harsh as some of the words are.. Anyway, let's not assume she's run away from this place.

 

Maybe reconciliation is not for me

 

If you really feel this way, and aren't willing to stick out the rollercoaster ride of your consquences, deal with this head on, own what you did and work hard to regain your H's love, respect and most of all, trust..Then yes, you might as well end it now and walk away. Some marriages aren't worth saving. That's up to you to decide if yours is.

 

GO to counseling.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for such sound advice. I've been trying to decide what I need to do. Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

 

Claraj it seems like (and I may be reading this wrong) that you are almost doing this to provoke a different response from your husband. It seems like you are sorry about what happened to OM, but that the overarching aim was to show your husband how lonely you were and get him to change his behaviour somehow more positively towards you. It seems that you even picked a heavily triggering way to do it (his family history of adultery) while getting your needs met. (To coin a cute phrase I heard: getting two birds stoned at one time).

 

Unfortunately for you, using your body and emotional connection to get your husband's attention is back-asswards. I cannot imagine a high percentage of human beings that are going to respond positively to that. You lucked out with what you got. A lot of women would have done worse but a man responding to such direct assault on his sense of security and respect would simply send him into overload. I am surprised he called you and just hung-up. I hit my husband (granted he gave me permission to, then I acted like I was punching him with one hand so he flinched away from it and I royally slapped him with the other).

 

I strongly suggest that you have a look at After the Affair or any other book that describes the trauma of being cheated on. It is not an insult, it is not an upset, it is a strong physical, mental and emotional reaction. It is involuntary not chosen. There is a good chance that your husband has been throwing up, crying, raging and having the image of you and your OM playing through his head on loop. (In my case I dropped to the floor and sobbed and couldn't move for the space of six-eight hours one night and all I remember is my husband going to bed and leaving me there, with the tears running down my forehead and all I could do was blink.) Calm is the last thing he can be right now. Literally this action has amped him up towards insanity. That is on you.

Avoiding responsibility for the situation will not help anything.

 

If you do not have the capacity to look up and see why you have done what you have done and make every single attempt from the bottom of your soul to make amends, care for this man and restore trust, regardless of what he has done in the last year or however long, then you are right reconciliation is not for you.

 

In my opinion, repentance from these actions would not just be to serve him or his interests, it would be healthiest for you in the long-run. You would need to learn healthy ways to communicate your needs and boundaries. You would need to learn to self-manage because your husband even if he returns to you, is not going to be able to manage your needs anyways, especially after being so traumatized.

 

If you want to see evidence of this trauma, talk to just about every person who posted something hostile to you on this board and ask about their experience, a lot of them can be looked up in the search bar. That "bitterness" is the pain and trauma they went through. Many if not all of them lost something major and a part of themselves to someone cheating on them. This triggers it all back when they see someone justifying their actions and blaming the spouse that didn't cheat.

 

Your husband may be guilty of neglect, he may be guilty of abuse even, he may be guilty of criticizing you constantly but you have not dealt with this in a healthy or productive way. You have traumatized your spouse and shook him to his very self-worth. If you don't think that that is what you have done, again I implore you to look it up.

 

Most WS from what I have noticed seem to act like they are expecting more from their spouses, even more understanding for what they have done. Often the BS has no idea why anything like this would ever happen to them. They expect our automatic forgiveness and trust, like now that we know, everything will be fine and the WS are a little embarassed or ashamed. We often cannot understand what was so important that we were completely replaced in our own lives. We cannot understand why we were nothing to our spouses anymore. We bounce back and forth between feeling worthless ourselves and feeling that our spouses our worthless for what they have done to us. It shifts back and forth because our brains really can't reconcile the two. It cannot be believed at first that our spouses cared for us at all if they were willing to throw us away so eagerly and often without warning.

 

For us it is a completely different ballgame, we often won't know that our spouse is unhappy in the marriage because WS often don't mention it directly. It gets dropped into casual conversation or hinted about. In my experience I should have been able to understand that my husband needed some "variety" and that he never meant to get caught. This doesn't help. If he had an intimate need of any kind, it was his responsibility to let me know, to make it open for us to do something about. His responsibility wasn't to cover up why I wasn't having any intimacy, it was to bring it out in the open, make requests and set boundaries for himself. I can't do that for him, especially if I have no idea what is going on.

 

There seems to be a lot of passivity in the WS, like they are hoping the BS will meet their needs and expectations, and when they don't, cheating is the next natural stage of this. No relationship can survive the hidden and passive nature of the WS attitude to being with.

 

Expect hostility and some rage, expect a world of hurt, and do not be surprised if he throws everything he has at you during a divorce. He called you this morning to find out where your loyalties lay, you said OM. The smart thing to tell him would have been that you ended it with OM and then go from there.

 

If you, even once give him flack for punching OM in the jaw, you are so off of my Christmas Card list. So if you are wondering why you don't get one next August, that's why.

 

I hope that you work through these things for yourself. Expecting others to fill in needs for you is a disastrous way to live. You may think that you aren't the horrible person that others are describing. You are right but it can't be seen by your spouse right now. It is blinding. Seeing my spouse as something other then a source of pain took over a year. Before that I was trying to survive the shock and pain and also trying to keep him around long enough to figure stuff out. Healing only started when he demonstrated a willingness to try. Often I slide back into distrust out of fear. I hate what has happened to my brain and how I feel about people in general now that I know the pain they can cause others. My husband isn't a monster, but I felt that way for a long time. Many of the people on this board still feel that their ex's are monsters for what they have done. The easiest way to show that you aren't a monster is to stop doing what monsters do. Start showing your husband some compassion for your pain and if he doesn't believe you at first, show some more compassion for that. Show compassion and remorse until he believes you and stay consistent because every falter you make sets you back further and further.

 

You need to act like you have stabbed him and want to make things right between you. You wouldn't go around acting like: "I stabbed you becuse you weren't there for me" OR "You don't need to be so hostile about me stabbing you, it's not that big of a deal, you did make it out of the hospital after a couple of weeks."

 

In order to move forward in any positive direction with your spouse you will need to reclaim some integrity and consistency, anything less would simply extend the process.

 

The next steps in your life depend on who you are and what you are willing to give to restore your integrity. No one else: not your husband and not your OM and not the members on this board can give that to you.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Dunno if you'll come back, OP. But if you do, you have to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

 

You want sympathy/empathy, but you don't seem to have any for your husband. Do you really not understand why he's upset? You seem like you were more concerned about the feelings of your OM than that of your husband.

 

When your husband asked you if you spoke to the OM, and you said yes, did you tell him you spoke to him to break it off? Did you call him back after he hung up?

 

You don't need to be placing this on your husband's shoulders. You need to own up to what you've done. It's up to you to put in the hard work on the road to reconciliation. You have to understand that your husband is gonna be angry. That he's RIGHT to be angry.

 

Honestly- if you want sympathy- prehaps you need to display some, first.

 

Good luck to you.

[Chi townD]

You don't understand what I'm going through so don't even try to play that card with me honey. You're bitter about your own situation so you come her to attack me. My home was never safe. It was always empty thank you.

 

 

See, that's where you're wrong. I did the same type of job your husband did up till a year ago. I did some dangerous jobs oversea's and I have to tell you that his home was not just a house. In my experience, it's where I longed to be, it's where I knew that out of all the crazy places I went to, it was where I knew I belonged and I fought to get back to. Where I knew was warm and where I was loved and at that moment, where I was missed. That knowledge, kept me on my toes, and wanting to get the jobs done. To go home. He doesn't know what that is anymore, because now he doesn't have a home with you. Sorry to be blunt, but it is what it is.

[Steadfast]

I smell troll. My guess is...second year psych student looking for human reaction to a classic (if not overly creative....) infidelity scenario. First hubby clipped him in the jaw, then the nose. His (yeah, it's a guy posting) story is full of holes and his aggression is intended to inspire yet more drama.

 

This is a time-waster, IMO-

[dont-be-naive]

My name is Clara and I'm a WW and have been married for 7 years. He's 36 and I'm 31. I cheated on my husband for 9 months. Husband caught me and my co-worker in our marital bed this evening and he pulled OM off of me and hit him, then dragged him out of the house, yelling that he better not see him in his house again. He packed a bag and told me he will file for divorce because he will not go through what his father went through when he was a teen. I begged him to not leave me and we can work it out.

 

I'm curious how you expect to work it out when your husband caught you, and in his bed no less? How do you expect your H to think what you did and how he caught you can be worked out?

[sedgwick]

What's a WW?

 

There is no reason whatsoever to EVER cheat on anyone. You end the relationship, THEN you pursue the relationship with the new person. Period.

[dont-be-naive]

I called my co-worker 30 minutes ago and told him I was sorry he got hit in his jaw but I can't do the affair no more. He said fine angrily then hung up. I don't know why some of you people are so bitter and mean. Can't you just understand my situation and have empathy?

 

well that kind of says it all huh? your story hits nerves because what you did is highly deplorable. And this all happened just recently, and already you are apologizing to the other man and care about you getting empathy.

 

The real empathy and condolences go to your stbX-H.

 

As far as bitter, reverse the roles

[dont-be-naive]

What's a WW?

 

Wayward Wife a.k.a. cheating wife

[dont-be-naive]

I did call him and tell him I can't do it no more.

 

only because you got caught.

[dont-be-naive]

Husband would never hurt me that way. OM did not deserve that punch by the way.

 

then what did he deserve? when a man catches his wife #####g another man in his bed, what does that other man deserve, and you for that matter?

[dont-be-naive]

I understand that you don't like what you're hearing here, but stop and think for a minute. If your H chooses to talk to you, what you're hearing here is going to largely represent his feelings on this.

 

exactly. the posts she doesn't like hearing are going to represent, more than likely based on his packing a bag and saying "#### you" to her, what her husband is thinking and will say. she is too worried about empathy for herself, she isn't going to have any for her husband when the time comes.

 

 

Calling people bitter because they've been cheated on is much less productive than realizing that what they've been through, and how they think, can give you great insight into how your H feels and views you and the situation right now.

 

I always say people that will betray someone in real life, but yet think that someone's opinions based on experience in a forum is offensive indicate why they are in the position of "cheater" in the first place. If she found him in bed with another woman, assuming she wasn't already getting sex from someone else, she'd be a basket case

[claraj]

I haven't had time to read everybody's responses but I will say I have been thinking these past hours and I still don't know what I should do. I'm still having conflicting thoughts and husband being so frightening makes me more hesitant to reconcile with him. OM left a voicemail on my phone, saying he hopes that I'm fine and he's sorry for getting angry at me and knows our relationship cannot continue because of husband so he hopes everything works out for me, and that I will always be his true love. I didn't reply, just deleted it after listening to it.

 

So husband called me again this afternoon yelling at me on the phone. I felt like hanging up on him because he was so loud, but I kept the phone to my ear and listened to him venting at me. Yelling obscenities and saying how I betrayed him and how he almost got killed overseas and this is the thanks he gets. I started shaking and I broke down, told him I was sorry multiple times. His words hurt me so much. He asked me what the f*ck was my problem bringing that piece of sh*t into our home. I said I don't know and I'm sorry. He said you know what, I f**king hate you with my guts you know that, he f***king hates me then hung up.

 

Everything's so messed up right now. How the hell am I supposed to even keep living with this going on? I know he's so angry but I just wish he would calm down a bit. Maybe I should just not answer his calls either until he stops scaring me.

[dont-be-naive]

Just do him a favor, because he is too devestated by your actions to think clearly. File for divorce so he can heal and find someone in the future that won't screw him over like this.

 

the best thing for him is to not have someone like you, especially if he has to work abroad. He doesn't need to worry what man will be in his bed when he is gone.

[Distant78]

With cock?

 

Not trying to thread jack but oh god, you had me laughing hard on this one. He better not try and "fill her up" again or OP's highly trained covert operative will bust him in his face again.

[Distant78]

I haven't had time to read everybody's responses but I will say I have been thinking these past hours and I still don't know what I should do. I'm still having conflicting thoughts and husband being so frightening makes me more hesitant to reconcile with him. OM left a voicemail on my phone, saying he hopes that I'm fine and he's sorry for getting angry at me and knows our relationship cannot continue because of husband so he hopes everything works out for me, and that I will always be his true love. I didn't reply, just deleted it after listening to it.

 

So husband called me again this afternoon yelling at me on the phone. I felt like hanging up on him because he was so loud, but I kept the phone to my ear and listened to him venting at me. Yelling obscenities and saying how I betrayed him and how he almost got killed overseas and this is the thanks he gets. I started shaking and I broke down, told him I was sorry multiple times. His words hurt me so much. He asked me what the f*ck was my problem bringing that piece of sh*t into our home. I said I don't know and I'm sorry. He said you know what, I f**king hate you with my guts you know that, he f***king hates me then hung up.

 

Everything's so messed up right now. How the hell am I supposed to even keep living with this going on? I know he's so angry but I just wish he would calm down a bit. Maybe I should just not answer his calls either until he stops scaring me.

 

Please let him go. You're still here making excuses and you're still siding with OM. Just divorce him so he can lick his wounds. You've hurt him so much and he's traumatized. He will never forget coming in his home and seeing another man IN HIS BED screwing his wife. That is EVERY HUSBAND'S NIGHTMARE.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thank you for such sound advice. I've been trying to decide what I need to do. Husband called me this morning asking me did I talk to OM after he kicked him out and I told the truth and said yes. He hung up on me after that. How am I supposed to talk with him if he's so hostile? Maybe reconciliation is not for me.

 

How can you be so focused on yourself? Why is the just all about what you want? I have really not seen you even begin to care about how your husband feels.

 

Whatever happens you will survive and keep on living. With or without this man who's job takes him away for long periods.

 

The biggest issue is that you clearly need some personal growth. I know that selfish people are pretty much the definition of evil. I hope you can use this experience whatever may come of it to transform into a better person.

[seibert253]

I can tell you from experience, that everynight while your H was gone, all he thought about was lying in your bed next to you. You've now destroyed that dream forever.

 

Don't be surprised if he returns with D papers in hand. I would. At least my FWW never had sex with the OM in our home or bed.

[NoLongerSad]

I hope you can use this experience whatever may come of it to transform into a better person.

Or at least a bit more careful.

 

Thank goodness, when her husband was raging at her about having the OM in his bed, she didn't say something like: "Well why not? It's my bed, too." (Actually that's probably exactly what she WAS thinking--"It's my bed too, why can't I have sex with OM in it?")

[whichwayisup]

I haven't had time to read everybody's responses but I will say I have been thinking these past hours and I still don't know what I should do. I'm still having conflicting thoughts and husband being so frightening makes me more hesitant to reconcile with him. OM left a voicemail on my phone, saying he hopes that I'm fine and he's sorry for getting angry at me and knows our relationship cannot continue because of husband so he hopes everything works out for me, and that I will always be his true love. I didn't reply, just deleted it after listening to it.

 

So husband called me again this afternoon yelling at me on the phone. I felt like hanging up on him because he was so loud, but I kept the phone to my ear and listened to him venting at me. Yelling obscenities and saying how I betrayed him and how he almost got killed overseas and this is the thanks he gets. I started shaking and I broke down, told him I was sorry multiple times. His words hurt me so much. He asked me what the f*ck was my problem bringing that piece of sh*t into our home. I said I don't know and I'm sorry. He said you know what, I f**king hate you with my guts you know that, he f***king hates me then hung up.

 

Everything's so messed up right now. How the hell am I supposed to even keep living with this going on? I know he's so angry but I just wish he would calm down a bit. Maybe I should just not answer his calls either until he stops scaring me.

 

Either suck it up and stick it out, allow him to grieve and react, or get a lawyer and divorce now. Don't hope or expect him calm down anytime soon, fact that you even think this just shows how much you don't understand what you've done to him.

[claraj]

Either suck it up and stick it out, allow him to grieve and react, or get a lawyer and divorce now. Don't hope or expect him calm down anytime soon, fact that you even think this just shows how much you don't understand what you've done to him.

 

I want to suck it up but how am I supposed to help him heal if he yells at me over the phone, sounding like he's going to hit me? I do feel bad, and I'm trying to shut off my feelings for OM, but I can't do that in a short amount of time. I'm a woman and I'm trying to adjust here.

[bentnotbroken]

I want to suck it up but how am I supposed to help him heal if he yells at me over the phone, sounding like he's going to hit me? I do feel bad, and I'm trying to shut off my feelings for OM, but I can't do that in a short amount of time. I'm a woman and I'm trying to adjust here.

 

 

This has nothing to do with gender.

[dreamingoftigers]

I want to suck it up but how am I supposed to help him heal if he yells at me over the phone, sounding like he's going to hit me? I do feel bad, and I'm trying to shut off my feelings for OM, but I can't do that in a short amount of time. I'm a woman and I'm trying to adjust here.

 

His job is to heal, your job is to be transparent and have no contact with the OM. Your job is to answer all questions and provide all details if he wants them. Your job is to start being honest and look up more information on healing after an affair.

 

Your feelings for OM are not helping in this situation, so why not disregard them for awhile. Unless your game plan is to chicken out and run off with OM, you need to take charge of yourself and do everything else that you can to become full of integrity.

[claraj]

This has nothing to do with gender.

 

Listen lady I don't know who you are but you aren't helping me by attacking me. Go and take care of your husband and leave me and my business alone. You and everyone else posting mean comments are not helping me.

[claraj]

His job is to heal, your job is to be transparent and have no contact with the OM. Your job is to answer all questions and provide all details if he wants them. Your job is to start being honest and look up more information on healing after an affair.

 

Okay I will tell him what I want to know. Is it okay if I warn him that he may not like what he will hear, because I will not go into a shouting match with him if I tell him something and he goes off on me again.

 

Your feelings for OM are not helping in this situation, so why not disregard them for awhile. Unless your game plan is to chicken out and run off with OM, you need to take charge of yourself and do everything else that you can to become full of integrity.

 

I don't want to run to OM, but I can't help it if my mind brings up images of him in my head.