He left me.

[Distant78]

Let me say this, I am not worried about how her H is feeling right at the moment, I am worried about her... period. I never said (for the second time) her H was irrational; I don't care either way as much as I care about her emotions and thoughts that may be irrational at this point and to stop for a moment till she can collect herself. And IMO, it does not matter how descriptive you are in your post, this does not persuade me to stop wanting to support her. She has done what is done and she is dealing with it, to keep telling her what she did is over kill and for what reason, so she can say how sorry she is and then someone here can say "you’re not sorry, your just caught and guilty" it is a no win here for her, so I chose to focus on her and not her H, until she tells me different this will be the path I take.

 

No it's not overkill to remind her what she's done, considering this affair has been going on for a long time while her own husband was out defending his homeland, and then called OM again after she got caught with her pants down. No one's trying to persuade you, I just find it mighty funny that you're the only one who's so adamant about being someone's support after they've trashed their marriage with no remorse. There should not be a win here for her. Why should there be? Because she said a few sorries to her husband and wrote some letter to him? That doesn't make the situation any better and this IS about his pain and what was done to him.

[Distant78]

This has validated my point exactly!

 

You didn't even have one to begin with.

 

Even when you do something so wrong....you too can feel pain, not just guilt. The pain may not have been anticipated but is there all the same.

 

She's not feeling any pain. That was the whole reason why I said that. Who feels pain for screwing over their husband for so long then after getting caught calls up the OM to tell HIM she's sorry her HUSBAND hit him?

[2themoon&back]

No it's not overkill to remind her what she's done, considering this affair has been going on for a long time while her own husband was out defending his homeland, and then called OM again after she got caught with her pants down. No one's trying to persuade you, I just find it mighty funny that you're the only one who's so adamant about being someone's support after they've trashed their marriage with no remorse. There should not be a win here for her. Why should there be? Because she said a few sorries to her husband and wrote some letter to him? That doesn't make the situation any better and this IS about his pain and what was done to him.

 

 

Because she is a Human Being with feelings.................... only reason needed.

 

And if I am the ONLY one she has, thank goodness, she needed someone when she came here for support when she trashed her M and lost herself and she is entitled to said support for reason stated above.

[2themoon&back]

You didn't even have one to begin with.

 

 

 

She's not feeling any pain. That was the whole reason why I said that. Who feels pain for screwing over their husband for so long then after getting caught calls up the OM to tell HIM she's sorry her HUSBAND hit him?

 

Oh I have a point, one you may not agree with, but just as valid here on this open forum and just as important from my point of view.

 

You do not have to like it or agree with it, and everyone is ok with that as well as me but this does not change the fact that I have an opinion and a point.

 

And who cares why she called OM, she had an A, with him like you said for 9 months, she must have some feelings for him and she is very confused and reactive in the situation, remember irrational behavior, this is perhaps one of those moments. She has stated that she made a mistake in doing that and has no intentions of doing it again but if she does, which is her choice, then I then too will be here to support her in that as well. It is her life.

 

If it was about him then he should start his own thread IMO then it can be all about him

Edited January 14, 2011 by 2themoon&back

[2themoon&back]

claraj,

 

I hope you find your own way in this situation, but as always these situations seem to become so distorted in their views---- that what you ask for or need may get lost in so much hostility over the topic therefore you may or may not get it.

 

I am sorry for participating in any of the death dancing of a thread of this nature and this seems to go on in this forum a lot and I never meant you or your situation any disrespect.

 

I will continue to support you not what your past behavior, just you.

 

Some posters do give harsh advise and sometimes that may be needed, but you have gotten your fair share IMO, and it may be time to move in a more positive direction--- so for me I wish you the very best and will stay focused in my efforts to support you the person not your actions. There are others who wish you well also.

[Distant78]

Because she is a Human Being with feelings.................... only reason needed.

 

And if I am the ONLY one she has, thank goodness, she needed someone when she came here for support when she trashed her M and lost herself and she is entitled to said support for reason stated above.

 

Lost herself how?

[Distant78]

And who cares why she called OM

 

So it's okay for her to call the dude that's been penetrating her in her husband's home while he was gone right?

 

she had an A, with him like you said for 9 months, she must have some feelings for him and she is very confused and reactive in the situation, remember irrational behavior, this is perhaps one of those moments. She has stated that she made a mistake in doing that and has no intentions of doing it again but if she does, which is her choice, then I then too will be here to support her in that as well. It is her life.

 

This is straight BS. What she did was not a mistake and while it is her life, she vowed to spend it with her husband and broke those vows. She's not confused and she knows what she's doing is wrong.

 

If it was about him then he should start his own thread IMO then it can be all about him

 

It's about him regardless of whether she started the thread.

[jnj express]

Hey CJ---let us suppose thru some miracle----You are able to get reconciliation out of this situation----what do you intend to do the next time the govt sends your H., on another long out of the country situation----you are gonna be lonely again for long periods of time----how do you intend to deal with the by yourself lonliness next time

 

Since you are very definitely liable to end up divorced---maybe you had better not quit your job---jobs are very hard to come by, and you do have to live

 

As to the scum---you refer to as OM---for he is definitely lowlife scum---He is a HOMEWRECKER---he is a dirtbag who would invade the home of someone working for the gov't overseas---he is the total peice of sh*t that KNEW you were married, to a husband who was not even there to defend his own turf----how in any kind of good conscious do you defend this scumbag you made love to

 

IMHO, you should probably look to divorce as an answer---cuz I don't think you can handle your marital situation as it is now---and it doesn't sound like its gonna change especially in re: your husbands work situation, and you being left to yourself for extended periods of time

[dreamingoftigers]

I personally support anyone that would be interested in becoming a more trustworthy person with a high level of personal intergrity and compassion. I don't care what they have done if they are willing to form boundaries, respect others and bring joy into people's lives.

 

I am not saying that I am going to invite everyone who is unhealthy and disrespectful to my home for a luau, but I will encourage people who are behaving in unhealthy ways to do better for themselves and in turn others.

 

She can't undo it now: no more then my father can undo his bs in my life or my husband can undo his. That doesn't mean that me and then have to hang out together BUT that doesn't mean that their worth is lost forever and that they should hide out in a deep dark cave of shame until they die.

 

If this woman wants to take responsibility and shape up and "get it" why do so many people want her to stop? Would you want your exes to simply drop off of the Earth, or would you want them to be free of their demons?

 

I have one question for many of the posters who advocate her filing for divorce. Why? To me that seems odd. (I get that she cheated, I'm not that dumb) I mean "Why should she do it, doesn't that make it worse for the H to find her in bed with OM, then she slaps him with a D?" Isn't that kind of insult to injury?

[jnj express]

Hey dreaming of tigers----you are ignoring her major problem----she is gonna be in this lonely by herself situation again and again, due to her husbands work---so give us a little dose of reality, and tell us how that situation, which is the exact situation that caused all this cheating, should be worked out and handled

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey dreaming of tigers----you are ignoring her major problem----she is gonna be in this lonely by herself situation again and again, due to her husbands work---so give us a little dose of reality, and tell us how that situation, which is the exact situation that caused all this cheating, should be worked out and handled

 

Alright, let's play...

 

1. If there would be a reconciliation then the dynamic in their relationship would have to change drastically anyways.

2. That would mean completely different boundaries: her actions and what she is willing to accept and demand from the marriage would have to change. That would mean if her husband's current job would continue to be an issue, she would have to adjust to the long absences as was expected of her in the first place. (Maybe she has to go sleep over at his parent's place I am totally kidding about that).

3. If he were to reconcile, then he might need or want to give up his job to repair and put priority on his marriage (I am not saying this will happen, in fact I don't think that it is likely, but that is an example of one of the concessions that could be made in good faith, I use the term loosely.) Do I think he should? Who gives a **** what I think about that? It is something that could be done because he may come to realize that he does want his wife despite this, and maybe his wife is more important to him then his job even still. Maybe she isn't. Whatever. If she is and he wants her and he doesn't want to risk her doing this in his absence then, yeah they can have a fun unemployed time for the next couple weeks until he finds something else. It is easy to walk away from a job of that nature. No. But you only get one trip down here on Earth and if you want one thing more then the other and you have to make a choice: that's the way it goes.

4. Both accept a limited amount of fault for the state of their marriage. Not the cheating, that is on her, but the state of the marriage is on both of them. That being said they work out whatever conditions both of them would need to meet to improve the state of their marriage. I don't know their history intimate or otherwise and I can't read minds so that would be best left up to them. It depends where their priorities lie.

5. If the husband wants to heal from this and commit to saving the marriage despite the WTF affair, he can. He can make that choice. Am I advocating that? No. But I am not advocating anything besides that she has the option to improve herself for the sake of her personal integrity, the marriage or simply to be a better partner that can deal with her own needs next time she gets into a relationship. This might serve as a wake-up call to her about what she needs to be doing in her life.

 

It can be done. Should it be? Not up to me. Will it be done? Call a psychic and find out. I am getting edgy and tired. Sound cranky even on posts. Thomas Edison took over 10000 attempts to build the electric lightbulb, there probably wouldn't be as many attempts needed to fix something of this magnitude if both parties were committed to becoming healthier, forgiving and more loving towards one another. I am an optimist, it doesn't mean I think that these two should stay together either.

[2themoon&back]

So it's okay for her to call the dude that's been penetrating her in her husband's home while he was gone right?

 

It is done already... it does not really matter if it's ok or not.

 

This is straight BS. What she did was not a mistake and while it is her life, she vowed to spend it with her husband and broke those vows. She's not confused and she knows what she's doing is wrong.

 

Calling him was the mistake discussed, not the whole A. And why wouldn't she be confused, you seem to be in your post and this is just a forum for discussion, not nearly as devastating as having an A or what claraj is dealing with. Of course she is confused.

It's about him regardless of whether she started the thread.

 

Says who?

 

It is about her and her A, her M with her H, not just her H, but your perception is different from mine. This being the reason we all are allowed to post here without harassment just because we have a difference of opinion.

[Woggle]

Honestly if I thought for one second that she truly was remorseful and wanted to work on it I would support her but I bet if she never was caught this affair would still be going on. The best thing at this point would be to end this marriage.

[dont-be-naive]

Who was talking about her H?

 

I am talking to her about her.... by the way it is her thread, not her H's

 

ok, the way it was worded, made it sound like it was possibly her H.

[dont-be-naive]

Not exactly, it is also about the pain she is experiencing because of her actions and the way she has hurt herself and her H and her M

 

no, it isn't really. she wasn't experiencing this pain the whole time she was having her fun with the other man in the marital sack.

 

she only has pain of being CAUGHT and risking losing the stability of her situation with her husband, or rather the stability that was there before he walked in on them.

 

the things she has said with regards to his reactions in this thread indicate to me that she isn't really sympathetic to the pain and anger he is going through right now. Like hanging up on him when he is yelling. I don't care how much yelling there was, you f### someone over like that, you sit there and take your lumps if you truly care.

 

She doesn't get to hang up with an attitude, and try to maintain the appearance that she cares about him. It says, "well #### him, I don't have to put up with this s##t!"

 

She is the cheater, she doesn't have the luxury of having an attitude.

[ComputerJock]

I would love to hear what Gunny has to tell her since she cheated on one of our nations finest defending us while his wife was a cheating wh*re f*cking someone in their marital bed.

[dont-be-naive]

I would love to hear what Gunny has to tell her since she cheated on one of our nations finest defending us while his wife was a cheating wh*re f*cking someone in their marital bed.

 

ever see the movie Jarhead, and the scene where the guy thinks his wife just sent him a video of his favorite movie, then it cuts to a video of his wife doing the next door neighbor, and she meant to send it to him to hurt him?

 

can you imagine what goes through someones mind knowing they are on the other side of the world, and his wife is at home doing everything and anything she wants with other guys?

 

THAT is why this guy would be crazy to ever take her back.

[ComputerJock]

No, I haven't but will rent it tonight. tks for the heads up.

[dreamingoftigers]

Truth is though, we don't have an accurate idea of what her feelings and motivations are at this point.

 

I won't defend her actions, and I know that I have come down on cheaters really hard before, but truth is: we don't know what she is thinking or feeling. Her attitude at this point seems to point to being reactive to her husband but not much else. Is seems that she is concerned about her own treatment, but also peripherally about his anger. From her posts we do know that she has taken steps to come to terms with her actions.

 

It seems that she could go one way or the other. But she does seem to be picking a direction, which is about what one could ask for from someone that has had the mindset to do such actions at this point.

 

They can decide amongst themselves if the marriage is salvageable.

 

Seems my previous q was missed. Why should she file for D? Wouldn't that be more of a slap in the face then her husband being able to decide and do it if he wants to? Wouldn't that be taking away his choice after he had so many taken away?

[dont-be-naive]

No, I haven't but will rent it tonight. tks for the heads up.

 

at the end of the movie, from what I remember, shows some of the soldiers going home.

 

I expected to see that soldier show up at the door of his home, and go in and lay the smack down.

[dont-be-naive]

Truth is though, we don't have an accurate idea of what her feelings and motivations are at this point

 

right now it doesn't matter what her feelings are, its dependant on her H now. And from what I'm hearing, he'll never fully forgive her, and who could blame him?

 

 

I won't defend her actions, and I know that I have come down on cheaters really hard before, but truth is: we don't know what she is thinking or feeling.

 

doesn't really matter. her H saw her #####g another man in his bed, and knows he will have to be deployed later knowing he has an unfaithful wife at home.

 

 

Her attitude at this point seems to point to being reactive to her husband but not much else. Is seems that she is concerned about her own treatment, but also peripherally about his anger. From her posts we do know that she has taken steps to come to terms with her actions.

 

but if he hadn't caught them, she'd be boning away while H is gone until such time as H no longer has to be deployed.

 

she is coming to terms with her actions because she is facing losing her surroundings, facing having to go through a divorce. Otherwise she'd still be hopping on other men and not trying to come to terms with her actions.

 

 

Seems my previous q was missed. Why should she file for D?

 

because her H, based on his reaction and anger towards her, will always see a scarlet A stamped on her forehead.

 

I would think she wouldn't want to be married to someone that now disgusts her. and I guarantee you based on her description of the way he is acting, he will always have at least some level of disgust for her, no matter what reason it would be if he decides to stay married to her.

 

 

Wouldn't that be more of a slap in the face then her husband being able to decide and do it if he wants to? Wouldn't that be taking away his choice after he had so many taken away?

 

based on her description of how her H is handling it, do you really think deep down he wants to be married to someone like that?

 

alot of people, especially when traumatized by something like this, not to mention catching them in his bed, do not know the first thing as to what is best for them.

 

I guarantee, based on THIS story, the husband, whether he knows it or not, would find happiness, and peace of mind not being married to someone like this, especially since he won't be there to chaperone her. and she needs a chaperone. So why bother being with someone you have to worry about or keep tabs on?

[dreamingoftigers]

You do realize that you are assuming a lot about both of them, given the information here, right?

 

right now it doesn't matter what her feelings are, its dependant on her H now. And from what I'm hearing, he'll never fully forgive her, and who could blame him?

 

It's Day 5. Who is to say, maybe he can, maybe he can't. Up to him right?

 

 

doesn't really matter. her H saw her #####g another man in his bed, and knows he will have to be deployed later knowing he has an unfaithful wife at home.

 

If may matter to him. And it seems to matter to a bunch of the other posters on here: "she's just feeling xyz, she's just doing it because of xyz." How the Hell do you know? You don't you know what she has done, you know what she has told us. Unless you have some special mind-reading abilities, you don't know squat about her internal motivations. If they don't matter, why keep shaming OP about them? It's one thing to ask and one thing to state it, but over and over, what's the point? Will it get anyone anywhere, will it expedite the divorce so many of you guys are pushing for? Not likely. It's spewing judgment for the sake of judgment, not the sake of clarity.

 

but if he hadn't caught them, she'd be boning away while H is gone until such time as H no longer has to be deployed.

 

In theory, you could be right, you could be wrong, I don't happen to have a crystal ball and I gave up tarot cards long ago.

 

she is coming to terms with her actions because she is facing losing her surroundings, facing having to go through a divorce. Otherwise she'd still be hopping on other men and not trying to come to terms with her actions.

 

Again, assumptions. Could be right, could be wrong, could even have an 90% chance of being right, doesn't make you right.

 

because her H, based on his reaction and anger towards her, will always see a scarlet A stamped on her forehead.

 

Assumption, many marriages have healed, many others haven't. Sometimes marriages continue despite the scarlet letter because there are other factors that make it worthwhile to different people. My H has a scarlet letter on him in my perception, eventually that may wear away. Every relationship has its baggage.

 

I would think she wouldn't want to be married to someone that now disgusts her. and I guarantee you based on her description of the way he is acting, he will always have at least some level of disgust for her, no matter what reason it would be if he decides to stay married to her.

 

That's on him isn't it. If she disgusts him and he decides for whatever reason that it isn't worth leaving the marriage, then he has made the choice that is best for him.

 

based on her description of how her H is handling it, do you really think deep down he wants to be married to someone like that?

 

Nope, I don't think so. I think that if he wants to leave, he also sounds like a big enough boy to do it himself. He doesn't sound like some quivering pansy. If he wants to stay then he would probably be the type to have equal determination in that direction.

 

alot of people, especially when traumatized by something like this, not to mention catching them in his bed, do not know the first thing as to what is best for them.

 

Then maybe before traumatizing them again with the knowledge that they now have no choice in dividing up their assets etc, maybe she should hold off and give him a chance to recover and make a decision. If she thinks that it is D time, I think it is a scummy thing to push while he has already been put through more then anyone should. Give him a chance to get his wits about him and gear up to protect himself legally. (****, my husband tried this **** and it knocked me through an even worse loop: first you are a cheating scumbag, second there is a good chance I have to lose my kid half of the time and sell my car? ****, when do I get to breathe?)

 

I guarantee, based on THIS story, the husband, whether he knows it or not, would find happiness, and peace of mind not being married to someone like this, especially since he won't be there to chaperone her. and she needs a chaperone. So why bother being with someone you have to worry about or keep tabs on?

 

Again: his decision. Why should she file for D? He has taken enough hits for now, just let him regroup.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So you can not have any empathy …….. None for a person who is so lost within their self, to do such self destructive behavior, who may have not realized the depths of their selfishness and who is just now realizing that their decisions come with real consequences. Who may be to immature to do any better at this time in their life, someone who has caused real life pain for themselves and their loved ones ...what is done is done, but no.... not one ounce of empathy .... Really?

Not sympathy but empathy.

I see... this is to me only being able to see things one way and this being the reason for no empathy, not because it is not deserved.

 

What OP has done is emotional abuse plain and simple. Do you know how hard that hurts to have someone betray you like that? How difficult it is to get over?

 

I can understand your desire to reach out and provide empathy, but I won't do that at the expense of the real victim. I don't view this as any different from emotionally abusing a child. It's sick, twisted, and no amount of "immaturity" makes it excusable.

 

Your empathetic approach is perhaps what is needed here from the OP's point of view. I just caution you not to make excuses for actions that are inexcusable.

 

Anyway... I've read enough of your posts to know where you are coming from. It isn't surprising to me that you feel she is entitled to this kind of behavior and that he should just put up with it.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Untouchable_Fire

[Distant78]

Says who?

 

It is about her and her A, her M with her H, not just her H, but your perception is different from mine. This being the reason we all are allowed to post here without harassment just because we have a difference of opinion.

 

No it is now about her husband, and what she can do to not make this any harder, which is to divorce. No one said you can't post here so where did you get that from? And it does matter right now because after she got caught she still had the nerve to contact the dude that helped destroy her marriage. Her affair isn't the only thing that is done.

[dont-be-naive]

You do realize that you are assuming a lot about both of them, given the information here, right?

 

thats all anyone does is assume when on a board where only one side is being represented.

 

besides, she gave a vivid description of the level of anger he is experiencing. And having been on the BS side, and knowing that anger all too well, but not even at the furor that he is displaying, the assumption isn't going to be too off base.